November – the month with the mutual benefit
Friday, 14th November, 2015 – 22:46
From: Blaine Anderson (bdevon_anderson )
To: Kurt Hummel (khummel )
Subject: Apology
Maybe one day I'll actually deserve you. I don't know. God. I don't know why I did that. I should've stopped talking to him the moment I knew you were uncomfortable. Of course he doesn't mean anything to me, and I never even for one second considered the thought of cheating or even flirting back. And I wasn't scoping out the field, or experimenting, or checking if I "still got it". But I knew he didn't have friendship on his mind and I still agreed to coffee and for the life of me I still can't figure out why I did that. I mean, I can… but I'm going to be disgusted with myself if I put it into words.
I know you'll forgive me, Kurt, and I'm so thankful for that – the same way I'm thankful everyday for the fact that, somehow, you love me. But I don't want you to think I'm just going to forget about this or whatever. I'm beyond committed to you and this relationship, and I'll always want to be better at it, and for you. Everyday I'm learning to be better for you – or at the very least I'm trying. I promise I am.
To quote something you once wrote, "We're so good for each other."
Thank you for being in my life, and if I ever take you for granted, do me a favor and slap me across the face or something.
I can't say it enough.
I love you,
Blaine
Day 292 – E-mail 292
-x-
"I don't know, Kurt," Rachel says as she wraps her scarf around her neck, "I think you're blowing this out of proportion."
Kurt quirks his eyebrow, "How so?"
"Well, it was just a cup of coffee, and you said it yourself, Blaine didn't look like he was flirting back. Come on, you think he'd cheat on you with some kid two years younger than him and a bad haircut?"
"Rachel, it's not that I think he'd cheat-"
"So there you go. Blowing it out of proportion." She shrugs before she leans over, kisses him on the cheek and announces, "I gotta go now, I have the auditorium booked for me, myself and I, and it's just two hours, I can't waist any minute of it. I need to rehearse and hear myself in that space! Don't forget the showcase is in three weeks!" she rattles off as she heads out the loft and finally closes the door behind her.
Kurt stares after her, rage building in his chest. Typical Rachel: Kurt comes home with a crisis and she blows him off to rehearse her showcase performance alone. Maybe he should blow off her showcase.
He sighs and shakes his head. He's got bigger problems right now. He's got Blaine problems.
He rubs his hands over his face and takes a deep breath. He can't help replaying it in his head. Surprising Blaine in his favorite coffee shop ("It's a day late, but we can still celebrate the anniversary of his first e-mail!" he'd told himself when he was hurrying the last few errands he had to run that day before leaving work in time to catch Blaine after his class) only to find him so very well accompanied.
He was going to take Blaine out to dinner, maybe even to a movie, and definitely invite himself over for an adult slumber party, and instead he told him he needed to get home, gave him a fast, stupid kiss and bolted out of there with angry tears in his eyes and pretending not to hear as Blaine called out his name.
Kurt doesn't even know where to begin thinking about this. Rachel is sort of right: Blaine wasn't cheating on him, nor would he. He was simply having coffee with some younger, wide-eyed kid that is so very clearly head over heels in love with Blaine – or at least with the glimpses he gets of Blaine walking down NYU's corridors.
Even the thought that Blaine was leading him on was feeble. Kurt had heard enough of their stilted conversations over the semester – including the first one, at the very start of it, where the kid had come over under the guise of borrowing old notes from Blaine. Each and every time the boy had approached him while in Kurt's presence Blaine had made a point of introducing Kurt as his boyfriend, "This is Kurt, my boyfriend." or "You remember Kurt, my boyfriend?", or "Sorry, Kyle, but you'll have to excuse us, cuz the boyfriend and I have a date tonight and we're on a schedule for our reservations, but I'll see you around."
Or tonight's, "Hi, Kurt! What are you doing here? Wow, this is the best! Speak of the devil, I was just telling Kyle here how much I miss you!" (Kyle did not look happy, at all)
And despite all of that, it still makes Kurt uncomfortable that Blaine would agree to coffee with the guy when they'd had conversations about this.
It's not that Kurt's a very jealous boyfriend. He likes to think he's reasonable. Obviously, he knows Blaine's an attractive man, who draws some attention – and Kurt's mostly okay with it, because Blaine never shies away from telling people he's off limits – the problem, however, starts when the guys can't take a hint and don't stop pursuing his boyfriend.
And it's not too much to ask that said boyfriend not agree to coffee with said guys, is it? No matter how platonic said boyfriend's interests are.
His phone pings with a new text.
Blaine: I know you're upset, don't hide it. I deserve it, anyway. Fuck. Would it be okay for you to come over so we can talk and I can apologize? Or let me come over there?
He can't help smiling a little, but he still needs to wrap his head around things, or it might do more harm than good seeing Blaine right now.
Kurt: I need a little bit of time to think about what I want to say to you, and what I hope to hear from you. We'll talk tomorrow, or soon, I promise. I love you.
Blaine: Whatever you need. We'll be okay? I love you so much.
Kurt: Yeah.
Kurt sighs and lets his phone slide out of his hand towards the flat, empty surface of the table. His hand itches. He picks it back up again, unlocks it and opens his e-mails.
There's still no new daily mail from Blaine, but he knows it won't be long, and he knows it'll be one of those remarkable apologies that only Blaine knows how to write. The thought does make him smile and he starts to scroll up his e-mails, like he always does when he needs to remind himself that he has Blaine now, this miraculous thing in his life.
Subject: Dinner tonight?
I'll cook, I'll do the dishes, I'll do anything, just promise me you can be there, for even just two hours.
I love you and I miss seeing your face,
Bee
…
Subject: I got news!
Exciting news! News that definitely warrant kissing and making out!
I'll see you when you get off. I'll be the guy bouncing with excitement outside your office doors.
Love,
Bee
…
Subject: I maintain my opinion that your curtain system is silly
What privacy? I mean, I get that it provides some privacy, but Rachel still heard everything going on last night, poor thing.
Anyways, no regrets.
Also, taking this opportunity to remind you that I absolutely worship and adore your body.
With temporarily (but never completely ;) ) satiated love,
Bee
…
Subject: wow, your boss is scary
Maybe I could send her some flowers too and she wouldn't be jealous and take it out on your flowers? Or maybe I shouldn't have sent flowers to your workplace because that's apparently become unprofessional…? I'm sorry I'm an idiot. But at least I'm your idiot…?
Please, tell me you still love me even after I made your boss sneeze all over your desk and scream at you for having flowers in the office! I'm taking the fact that you sent me a picture the bouquet, your middle finger and your boss's back as some sort of positive feedback, but I'm still fearful.
I love you,
Bee
…
Subject: If you like Piña Coladas
Come over for dinner. Mike, Tina and I are having a themed Piña Colada night, and we would greatly appreciate your company :D
Pretty, pretty please?
Love,
Bee
…
Subject: I'm so proud of you
For getting that curricular internship everybody was craving. But I can't help but hate it sometimes. Don't worry, I understand. Fashion emergencies are important, I know.
And anyway, someone once told me that that restaurant was overrated. We're probably better off skipping it.
Make it up to me, though. Come over when you're done – whatever hours those might be. I'll keep some leftovers in the microwave for you, and then I need you with me in my bed.
With yearning love,
Bee
…
Subject: you should read this script
I'm telling you. It's insane. It's so bad, it's hilarious. I can't believe this is what kids these days are subjected to. It's terrible. I wouldn't let my kid watch this if I was paid.
Funny enough, though, I am paid to do it. Sometimes when I'm reading this scripts I feel a little bit like a sellout – lending my voice to such crappy material, but then I remember your wisdom and your plan and the inevitability of me voicing a Disney character, and I sigh and get in that studio and do it anyway.
It's a good thing, too. Today one of the producers came and talked to me, said they're coming up with a new project and she basically made me promise to audition. It sounds much better and much cooler! Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Anyway, waiting to go in the studio to record my awesometastic lines, so I thought I'd shoot you today's e-mail.
I'm still sorry I can't make it for our lunch today, but we'll work something out. Thank you for understanding.
Love you,
Bee
…
Subject: What if I locked you away in my bedroom forever?
Screw Parsons, screw the internship… lock you away, all for myself?
Never mind me. I'm just a little high on how much I love you and getting to spend a weekend in your company. Gosh… I swear this is what I live for, staying the whole day in my underwear (optional, really) with you in my bed – pauses for food and bathroom. Nothing else, just us.
I missed you. Us. I'm sad the weekend's over.
Come back to me asap, ok?
Bee
…
Kurt is left reeling. Completely reeling. He's staring at the loft door that Rachel had so quickly and unceremoniously closed behind her, and he's reeling.
With the realization that of all those invitations, he'd accepted one. That of all the times Blaine went out of his way to meet Kurt after his work, only three times Kurt was able to spend more than fifteen minutes with him afterwards. That the month of November wasn't actually any improvement over October, that he hadn't gotten his shit together – that he was managing to see or be with Blaine an average of once or twice a week, and how much he's missing Blaine, all the time.
And that's him – whose schedule is so busy he barely has time to eat, let alone think about how much he misses lazy evenings with his boyfriend.
Blaine actually has time on his hands – not a lot, not endless amounts of time. But some. And he's stuck trying to fill time that used to be about them, with anything else.
Kurt is left reeling and staring at the door and wondering when did he let himself lose track of it?
He's suddenly hit with the understanding of exactly how exhausted he is, from everything, but mostly from missing Blaine and not getting to see his smile everyday, and not getting to be held and loved by him as often as he needs.
He still has his phone in his hand when a new e-mail comes through.
He reads Blaine's apology, and he cries. Because this is so, so, so stupid.
Because it's not just Blaine's fault, but it's also not Kurt's. There's just not enough time in a day, and Kurt can't – he just can't – quit his internship, or he's not only throwing away an amazing opportunity, but also flunking his entire semester.
He grabs his coat, his wallet and his keys and he takes a cab.
Blaine gasps as he opens the door, a small, but hopeful smile gracing his features. "Kurt!"
"Expecting someone else?" Kurt teases.
"What? No!" his face falls at once and his cheeks turn a deep shade of shameful red.
"I… It was a joke. Sorry, stupid joke. I don't… I'm a little tired – long day."
"Oh… Okay." Blaine sighs and tries for a second smile.
"Can I come in?"
"Oh!" Blaine shakes his head and immediately steps aside, "Of course."
"Are Mike and Tina in?"
Blaine shakes his head, "Date night."
"Right." Kurt nods, feeling those words like the accusation that Blaine never meant them to be. But you know what they say about guilty consciences. He shakes those thoughts off as he sits down and holds his hand out for Blaine.
With a hesitant smile Blaine takes it and lets Kurt pull him down to sit.
"So…"
"So." Blaine sighs with a sad smile, "I'm sorry."
"I know." Kurt smiles, "I forgive you." He shrugs before he adds, "And I'm sorry, too."
"For what?" Blaine frowns, confused, "You didn't do anything wrong. You had every right to be uncomfortable about that guy, and I should've respected that. I'm… I just…"
"I did do something wrong… I mean… I didn't do it on purpose, and it's not something I could've helped, and it probably won't get much better sooner, but… I was thinking about you and us, these past couple of months, and I was… I've been the one taking you for granted."
"What?"
"I have… I haven't paid you the attention you deserve, and it's not something I can truly control, because I need that internship and I can't bail on it, but it is taking a toll on me and especially on us."
"But I…"
"You understand. And I'm so grateful you do. I tell you I can't make it to dinner and you say it's fine; I tell you I'm just too tired to join you for a movie, and you kiss me goodnight and watch it alone when I know full well you wanted to watch that movie specifically with me; I tell you this week's going to be crazy and you're bending over backwards to have five minutes outside my office with me."
Blaine gives him a sad smile, "It is what it is. I don't care if I only get five minutes a week with you. I want those five minutes."
"But you miss me." Kurt shrugs.
"Of course I miss you." Blaine breathes with an edge to his voice, "Don't you… miss me?"
"I didn't even realize how much until I stopped to think about it tonight."
It's like a punch to Kurt's gut the little flash of relief across Blaine's face. He tries to remember how many times he's answered Blaine's 'I miss you' with one of his own, but he draws a blank. He feels like saying them all, now. Instead, Blaine's grabbing his hand and squeezing it comfortingly, "Okay, so we get through it. This is temporary. It's just this semester, and then things go back to normal." Blaine smiles, "It's not forever, Kurt… despite what today might tell you, I can handle it."
"I know you can…" Kurt sighs, "I just… I feel like you're getting a raw deal, and I have no idea how to make things better."
"It's not by going for coffee with guys who like me, that's for sure…" Blaine sighs with a shake of his head, "I… I just… I guess it felt nice. Having someone who enjoyed my company, once in a while, you know. It helped with the bad days."
"I know." Kurt mutters, "And I want to be enough for that, but I know I'm not, right now."
Blaine lets his head fall back on the couch and closes his eyes. He looks about as exhausted and drained as Kurt feels, "You had me figured out with three e-mails, Kurt." He's voice his wet, and Kurt can see the way that he swallows too thick, "You were asking me if you needed to warn my parents that I was so nice I was a danger to myself, and it's true."
"I love you for it."
"But it's disgusting!" Blaine looks at Kurt with true, deep hurt in his eyes, "This need I have… I just… I thought I could keep it at a healthy level, you know? I thought I knew when to stop and say 'no, I don't need this person stroking my ego right now', and apparently I can't." his eyes are bright, "Who am I? You're busy suddenly I need this kid worshipping my every move! This is s-sick, Kurt! I hate this about m-me!"
"Hey, hey…" he mutters as Blaine buries his face in his hands and tries to disappear, "it's not sick, and it's okay."
"I don't understand why you're being so nice about this!"
"Because I know you, and I understand, and I…" Kurt takes a moment to breathe and find his words again, "You remember our first fight when you forgave me immediately and I couldn't understand why, and you just had me promise I'd never do it again?" Blaine nods a little sadly, "This is the same. I know why you did what you did, I understand you, and I don't just love the good things about you, Blaine. I love everything. So, I'll make you the same deal. Just don't do it again, and we'll be fine."
Blaine breathes and rubs a hand over his face, before shaking his head, "I didn't… I didn't even want anything with him, ever! It was just, you know, someone new and… I was feeling…"
"Lonely?"
"No… Just…" Blaine wipes at his tears and shrugs, clearly angry at himself for admitting it "Forgotten... Kind of… I don't know."
Kurt breathes, "We just need a strategy, till this semester's over, so you don't feel that way again."
"I shouldn't have felt it at all." Blaine argues, "I knew you had to work, I knew you were legitimately busy, and I know you love me…"
"And you know feelings don't work like that, Bee. You felt abandoned, and I'm not sure if I can blame you. I mean, I obviously hate thinking that you… sought out that kid for whatever he could give you, and that was wrong, and I… I do blame you for that, but I… I… you needed something. I wasn't… I wasn't there for you. And it's not my fault, I don't think so, but still… I wasn't there." He sighs, and with a glance at the front door he rubs a hand over his face and says, voice strange and low almost as if Kurt's own body doesn't want to admit it, "I… I don't… I don't want to be like Rachel. I don't want to be the kind of person that expects your undivided attention if I'm not going to give you mine, and I don't want to be oblivious to when you need me, or show up last minute with a miracle hug or a some pep talk. I want us to be on each other's team always. And if I can't be there, you should know that I want to!"
Blaine looks at him a little incredulous. Kurt knows Blaine loves Rachel, but he also knows Blaine thinks Rachel's not that good a friend – at least not to Kurt –, even though he's only ever voiced that opinion once, on their disastrous first fight, and they've never discussed it again.
"You're not… Kurt, you're not Rachel. It's not like that. Kurt, come on, you did nothing wrong."
"You didn't know I missed you." Kurt points out, even though admitting it out loud sends pain shooting through his gut.
"I-I… did… I did!"
"No, you didn't." Kurt shakes his head and shrugs a little, "Blaine, part of loving you is knowing how to make you feel loved, and I'm not sure I was making a very good job of that. And I can't change the past, but I can promise to be more communicative from now on."
"Kurt…"
"Isn't that how everything started? Because we could talk to each other like we never had with anyone else in our lives ever?" He takes a deep breath, "We just need to remember that. And we need to find a strategy, to make this better."
"Of course." Blaine nods, "I'll do anything."
Kurt takes his hand and kisses his open palm, before saying, "This last year, after I came back from Paris, coming back to Rachel, I… I don't know. I was expecting… more from her, and it felt… strange, because in truth our relationship is as it always has been, but now it feels… lackluster. She's my best friend, and maybe she always will be, but she's not… she's not a very good one." He shrugs, "So… I started filling in the empty spaces. I had you… I suddenly had Tina again, and Mike, Santana, Mercedes when she's in New York… heck, even Sam or Wes. She's still my best friend, but she's not the only one anymore, and it feels much better like this."
"I'm glad." Blaine nods, his voice still small and looking a little confused at the whole topic.
"What I mean is… the time that you used to spend with me, and that I can't give you for now, you should use it to make plans with other people. With your friends, all of them." He smiles, and then adds as lightly and teasing as possible, "Not just some dumb kid that strokes your ego…"
Blaine's chuckles are feeble and still sad, but Kurt takes them as a small victory and, because you should always celebrate even the smallest victories, he leans in and for a soft kiss.
"Thank you for having faith in me, even when I don't…" Blaine murmurs, pulling back too soon, still not meeting Kurt's eyes, still clenching his fists, still biting his lip a little too hard.
Kurt smiles, "We are so good for each other." He tells him, reaching out to hold Blaine's trembling chin between his fingers and making sure their eyes are connected, "A year ago I would've been too proud to have realized my role in all of this. I wouldn't have known the first thing about apologizing. I would've been all about self-defense and self-preservation. A year and one day ago, I hadn't received a mistaken e-mail with a very good essay on Topics in Contemporary Music that changed my life. And no matter what happened today in that coffeeshop, that e-mail changed it for the better, Blaine. Much better." He moves his hand to stroke Blaine's cheek and wipe away a lone tear, "You make me better, too, okay?"
Blaine nods, his face screwing up before he pulls Kurt in, arms tight around his body, clinging desperately as he breaks down sobbing into his shoulder.
(A.N.: illustration for the previous chapter can be found in my tumblr, a-simple-rainbow)