Her brain was still not quite fully awake when her eyes fluttered open, her vision still slightly foggy as she stared at the blurry red numbers on the bedside alarm. She felt rested, there was no headache, no achiness anywhere else...that much she did know. She blinked a few more times to clear her vision, frowning slightly at the bright numbers, her brain still not quite ready to make the connection just yet. It read nine, with the small letter at the bottom right-hand corner reading AM. The last time she remembered looking at the time the night before, it was almost 2, and now it was nine! That meant she had about seven hours of uninterrupted sleep...completely undisturbed. She didn't remember having a nightmare, her body didn't jerk awake at any point in the night. She usually remembered each nightmare she had, each jerk, each time she woke up covered in sweat. And even if she wanted to forget, her body refusing to move in the morning desperately craving more sleep pretty much meant that she would remember.
But not this morning, this morning, she woke up on her own accord. No nightmares, no jerking, no screaming...nothing. Her body wasn't complaining, her brain wasn't fighting her demons for a few more hours of sleep. She felt refreshed, rested...and strangely content. She moved onto her back, stretching her entire body head to toe as she did that, groaning softly as she felt her muscles relax. Her eyes landed on Savina, her head buried in the pillow she hugged to her chest, the covers once more kicked away from her and crumbled at the foot of the bed. Olivia smiled softly at how peaceful Savina looked, as she moved onto her side to face her. One hand found its way into her hair, and she softly started brushing it back. It had been a while since she woke up before Savina, it felt like ages since she had gotten the chance to just contently watch her baby as she slept. Savina was usually the one who woke her up, pulling her out of a nightmare, after which they would decide to give up on sleep for the night. Savina would sometime doze off on the couch during the day, but Olivia would end up fighting the demons that Lewis planted inside her head on her own for that hour or so. She hadn't gotten the chance to just look at Savina, brush her hair, and reflect on millions of memories of the two of them since that fateful Tuesday morning. She inched closer to her, trying her best not to jostle the bed too much as she did, before she wrapped one arm around her body, and gently rested her forehead against Savina's. She smiled when Savina instinctively snuggled closer to her, and she feathered a soft kiss to her forehead, her thumb moving subconsciously on Savina's back. When Savina nestled her head into the crook of her neck, Olivia moved her other arm under Savina, as gently as possible, the rest of her body slowly moving closer to Savina, as the other hand gently pried the pillow away from her arms.
She hadn't done any of this in nearly a month, and she was worried she had lost her touch. But when all Savina did was burrow closer to her, and moved one arm around her waist, her worries were laid to rest. She buried her nose and mouth into the hair at the top of her head, and for the first time in a very long time, she took in her scent, without needing it to push away any demons, to keep her head to the ground. Today, for the first time in a month, she took in her daughter's scent simply because she missed her baby. She missed feeling her weight against her chest as she slept; the way her breath tickled her upper chest; how Savina hummed contently when Olivia pressed a kiss to her head; the way she rubbed her face in Olivia's chest, as she tightened her arm around her waist. She missed it all, she missed being her mom, not just a mother-figure ghosting through her life like she had been for the past month. She tightened her arms around Savina, and tried hard to fight against the tears that threatened to fall at how good it felt to finally hold her baby like that...to finally cradle her like that against her chest.
It was a beautiful Sunday morning, she felt the sun filter through the partially closed blinds, and she smiled contently when she felt the steady heartbeat beneath her cheek. She snuggled more into the warmth radiating off the body next to her, humming contently when she felt him rub her back comfortingly and press a soft kiss to the top of her head.
"Why are you awake?" he mumbled into her hair.
"Force of habit, I guess," she answered huskily, her voice still hoarse from sleep.
"You don't take many weekends off?" he asked, and she sighed. "Even on the ones I take off, Savina usually wakes me up around this time," she told him, and he frowned.
"A teenager who wakes up early on a Sunday? Why, Detective, I believe you may have discovered an endangered specie," he joked and she laughed, as she leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.
"She zombie walks to the bathroom, and then zombie-snuggles into me. We usually sleep for a few more hours like that, and catch some late breakfast, or brunch somewhere," she said.
"That why you pulled on clothes last night?" he wondered, as he eyed his dress shirt which she had pulled over her sweatpants.
She looked down at her attire for a moment, before she looked back at him. "No, she won't actually do that knowing that you're here. This...this is just force of habit, I guess," she explained hastily. "Why didn't you say something?" she wondered, as she now remembered that he had merely mirrored her movements, pulling his jeans and undershirt on, before joining her in bed once more.
He kissed her forehead reassuringly, seeing the hesitance in her eyes. "I'm a parent, Liv. I know that kids can walk in on you any minute, and I know that it was probably force of habit from when she was younger. I won't ever ask you to put me before her. Kids always come first," he assured her softly, before kissing her gently on the lips. They both heard the door open, as the distant sound of flushing reached them.
"She's up," Olivia whispered, and he nodded, as he got up. "I'll be right back," he told her, and quickly made his way out of the room. She frowned when she heard some groans, and objections coming from the living room. She could distinctly hear Savina's sleepy voice as she growled David's name, followed by the shuffling of feet. She was about to get up to see what's going on, when Savina appeared in the doorway, sleepily trying to resist David's hand, who was gently guiding her into the room.
Olivia looked questioningly at him, but he simply ignored her looks, and continued to guide Savina towards the bed.
"David, you don't have to do this," Savina protested, but he simply shook his head back, and pulled the covers back.
"Savina, I didn't spend the night with you two to make you guys change any routines," he shot back, as he pushed her down on the bed, and Olivia finally realized what he was doing. "I can sleep in your room, or take the couch. You barely get to see your mom during the week, I don't wanna take away during the weekends too," he added.
Savina was fresh out of protests, a miracle on it's own, and a lifetime first, which she would've chalked up to sleepiness later. So she just laid down next to her mother, snuggled into her, and was out cold before David had made it to the door. Olivia had her arms wrapped Savina, one hand softly running through her hair, as she watched her sleep. She didn't know how long she was like that, when she felt someone watching her. She looked up and saw Davina leaning against the doorframe, watching them both, an inexplicable expression on his face, but his eyes were warm, so Olivia wasn't worried, just curious. She rested her head on top of Savina's, her fingers still running through her hair, as she looked questioningly at him. "What?" she whispered.
"You still cradle her," he observed, and she frowned at him, not understanding what he meant.
He pushed off the doorframe, and walked further into the room. He sat down at the edge of the bed, his hand absentmindedly fixing the covers around Savina as he spoke. "I've seen many mothers interact with their children, my ex-wife was an amazing mother. I've spent countless hours watching the kids sleep in her arms," he started. "Mothers usually hold their kids, no matter how tight their arms are around their kids, they hold them," he continued, and she was still looking at him, absolutely confused. "You cradle her, Liv. It's the same way a new mother cradles her newborn baby," he finally explained, and she couldn't help but smile at him, her arms reflexively tightening around Savina. "At a certain age, a mother stops cradling her children, and starts holding them. But you never did, you never lost it. Every time I look at the way you hug her, the way you look at her, the way she's sleeping against you right now, one word comes to mind; cradle. I've never seen anyone like that with their kids, it's a rare quality, Liv."
She smiled sadly when she remembered how he and Savina were with each other, how he made her feel. She hadn't laughed like that in a while before him, and not even Cassidy could make her smile like that. He was the one boyfriend who genuinely made time for Savina, who took care of her. She remembered the pain that shot through her when he told her that they have to pretend as if nothing had happened between them because they never disclosed in time. It had been the first relationship where she was genuinely happy, and it seemed like it was going to be the one to last, but then it all came to an abrupt end. She remembered that after the first wave of pain washed away, she remembered that she won't be the only one heartbroken over this.
She sighed sadly, closing her eyes as her brain finally caught up to the repercussions of what he was telling her.
"This...us...never really happened," she whispered brokenly, and he nodded his head, equally devastated.
"You don't have to worry about Savina, she won't say a word," she told him, past the ever growing lump in her throat.
"I'll call her myself and explain it all to her, Liv," he informed her, but she shook her head. "You don't have to do that, I can handle her," she protested, but he shook his head adamantly. "I won't be just another guy who walks out of her life without a word, Liv. She deserves better, she deserves to hear it from me," he shot back firmly.
And he had kept his word, by the time she made it home, Savina was curled up on the couch, her face clenched as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. It had broke her heart that Savina had to lose him, he had been the only person - aside from Finn- to truly take care of her like that since the day she was born. It was one of the reasons why she had thought that this would be the one relationship that lasted. She could picture him arguing with Savina well into the wee hours of the morning on weekends, and fighting over the scrabble board. Savina had simply snuggled up to her that evening, and had even slept in her bed. The only person who knew about that relationship was Finn, because Savina had refused to talk about the toll it was taking on her at all, so eventually Olivia told Finn to try and talk to Savina. When she saw less dark circles under her eyes, she realized that Finn must've gotten her to open up.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by Savina's movements within her arms, and she looked down at her in time to see her pry her eyes open. She smiled softly when those warm chocolate orbs met hers.
"Morning, baby," she whispered in greeting, her heart swelling when she saw true happiness shining within Savina's irises.
"Morning. Look who's up on her own?" Savina joked. "I guess I can retire my job as an alarm clock," she teased and Olivia chuckled, as she leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"How about you simply resume your duties as my own personal snuggler?" she suggested, and Savina smiled radiantly at her.
"My pleasure, Detective," she quipped, and Olivia laughed, genuinely laughed.
"What do you say we grab breakfast at Marco's?" she suggested, and Savina simply snuggled into her in response.
They were sitting at their usual table, a small table for two by the flower beds overlooking the sidewalk. They each their hot drink of choice, as they waited for their orders to arrive.
"What?" Savina asked, once she noticed the way her mother was looking at her, and Olivia simply cocked her head to the side in question. "You've looked like you had something on your mind all morning, but can't decide whether or not to tell me," Savina explained, and Olivia chuckled. "Am I really that transparent?" she joked, as she leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table. "Not really. But you see, my mother happens to be a detective with the NYPD, and she taught me how to read people," Savina teased.
Olivia laughed out loud, a genuine laugh that Savina had not heard in awhile, one that was truly heartfelt. "Come on, Mom, out with it," she encouraged.
"I was thinking this morning," Olivia started. "About the few boyfriends that I've had since you were born," she continued, and Savina nodded. "There were a few that you were okay with, and some you flat out hated. The only one you ever gave a chance, was David Haden," she said, and Savina averted her eyes, before her mother saw the sadness there. David Haden was the one boyfriend Savina had gotten attached to, and he was still a sore spot to her. "I mean, you barely tolerated Brian, and he's known you since you were a baby," she finished, and Savina chuckled. "According to Finn, I never liked him as a baby either," she said softly, and Olivia furrowed her eyebrows at her.
"You didn't like him at all?" Olivia wondered, and Savina shook her head. "You know why David was the only one I liked? The one I got close to?" she inquired, and Olivia shook her head. "He was the only one who didn't treat me like I was just a part of a package that he had to deal with. He talked to me, asked me how school was. It wasn't forced. He spoke to me, not at me or about me," she explained. "His interest was genuine, he made sure I was a part of the plans you guys made, he didn't try to cut me out, didn't make it seem like he was compromising every time he had to change his plans because of me, or when he would have to include me," she continued. "I mean, he was the only person who actually got up on a Sunday morning and dragged me to your room so I wouldn't miss out on our Sunday routine," she recalled that day, smiling when she saw her mother's eyes light up at the mention of that day. "And he actually called to let me know why you two had to end things," she added softly. "Others didn't even bother to call and let us know they're alive," she alluded, and Olivia knew she was talking about Elliot.
"Is that why you broke up with Cassidy? Because I didn't like him?" she wondered, and Olivia shook her head. "No, nothing had changed in the span of 13 years. We still didn't want the same things," Olivia lied, truth was, they had broken up over Savina.
It was a nice Friday afternoon, the sun was shining nicely on this May morning, suggesting that they might have a chance at a nice spring. Olivia was sitting at the corner deli with Brian on her lunch break, as they discussed their schedules for the weekend.
"I should be off tomorrow, if nothing comes up. And I am definitely off on Sunday," she told him, as she took a mouthful of her salad.
"Okay, so let's aim for Sunday then. We can go up to the beach, have a little picnic," he suggested, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and she smiled.
"Actually, we can do that tomorrow. Savina is at Diana's house all day, working on a project. Sunday is the only day she's got off, before she starts her last week of school," she informed him, and his enthusiasm from seconds ago was gone. "She can come too, Liv," he said, half-heartedly.
Olivia arched an eyebrow at him, but tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible. "How about you say it like you mean it, Bri?" she said, and he looked at her.
"Hey, I have no problem with her. She's the one who seems to have a grudge against me," he defended, and Olivia was barely keeping her patience. "She's a teenager, Bri. They're moody, she doesn't have anything against you. She just needs her space sometimes," she stated, her mama-bear tone seeping through her casual tone.
"So don't you think letting her decide what to do with her day off would be better?" he shot back, and she took a calming breath before she answered. "Bri, I already promised her that I will try to spend this Sunday with her. I barely saw her all week, and she'll be slammed next week as well. This is the one day I get to have with my daughter," she alluded softly, hoping that he would get the hint.
"And I'm not trying to get in the middle, Liv. I already said she can join us," he snapped, and Olivia sighed in frustration. It seemed that everyone's comments about how not-so-perceptive he was were right. "And like I already said, we can have our day tomorrow, and she and I can have Sunday. I haven't talked to her in a while, and if there is something going on with her, she won't talk with you around. I need some alone time with my daughter," she explained, as calmly as she could muster, trying her best not to grit on her teeth.
"So is that the way it's always going to be, Liv?" he asked, doing very little to his irritation.
"What do you mean?" she wondered, and he forcefully threw the balled-up tissue he had in his hand on the table between them. "If I want to do something, but she needs to talk to you, we will both have to change what we have planned for her?" he inquired, his voice dripping with both irritation and resentment. "Is it always going be the two of you with me on the outside?" he continued, and she gaped at him.
"No, of course not. You will both have a place in my life. But if what she wants to talk about is important, and like I said, I haven't seen her in a while, then yes, she will come first. I will always make time to spend with her alone, and you need to understand that. She will always come first, Bri. If you two end up having a relationship of your own, then that would be great. But I will not push her to the side," she stated firmly, and he shook his head. "So I will always be second, I won't be even at the same level?" he wondered, and she shook her head sadly. "She'll always come first," she said.
They had broken up that day, because he wasn't okay with that, and he had flat out stated it. But she was not about to tell Savina that. She had thought that maybe time had changed him, but it seemed that he was still the careless, selfish cop she slept with thirteen years prior. He had been jealous of Savina then as well.
"I know I never told you this, but I actually kept in touch with him," Savina stated, pulling her out of her thoughts, and she frowned. "Haden?" she wondered, and Savina nodded.
"Yeah, he told me that night that just because you two broke up, doesn't mean he necessarily has to disappear from my life. That if I ever need anything, I should call him," she said, her voice a bit hesitant, so Olivia reached across the table, and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "There was this one case, I don't know the specifics, but you were held at gunpoint," she continued, her voice starting to shake. "I was home, and it was all over the news. I was freaking out, and I called him," she told Olivia, and Olivia was surprised. "He kept me on the phone while he made a few calls to see what the situation was. He stayed with me on the phone until he heard that you were out and safe, made sure I was calm before he hung up. He called me before he left for the Federal Prosecution job, and met me outside of school. I lost contact after that," she finished, and Olivia smiled softly at her. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this?" she wondered, and Savina shrugged. "He was a sore subject to the both of us. I knew why it couldn't work between you two, and I just didn't want to cause you any pain," she explained, and Olivia shook her head gently. "Baby, you were never a source of pain for me. You're always the one thing that keeps me going, that brings me joy, that keeps my head to the ground," she told her truthfully.
Savina smiled, that warm, loving smile that never failed to melt Olivia's heart. The look of unconditional love was back, the light was starting to creep back into her eyes, but Olivia still felt like something was off. "What is it baby?" she asked.
"Thank you," was all Savina said, and Olivia frowned. "For coming back to me," she whispered tearfully, and Olivia smiled at her, as she tried to keep her own tears at bay. "Anything for you, baby," she vowed, as she took ahold of both her hands, and kissed them.