With a start, Spencer woke exactly twenty two minutes before the alarm was going to ring. He was drenched in sweat because he had had another nightmare. A sickening feeling quickly spread from his stomach to his throat. However much he tried to avoid thinking of his formerly suppressed memories during the day, at night they were present, forcing themselves into his mind like a force of nature he couldn't resist. Appalling pictures and scenes used to flicker through his dreams, sometimes real ones, sometimes even more horrible ones that his mind had made up. At night he couldn't escape his memories. At night he was forced to relive everything he wanted to forget so badly. At night his past was coming alive again.

Carefully he got up, trying not to wake his lover, and went to the bathroom to go to the loo and brush his teeth. His eyes seemed more hollow than ever in the unforgiving light of the little white-tiled room. When he was finished he went back to bed because he didn't really want to get up. Half-awake Charlie mumbled, "Not yet!" as he pulled the other man closer into his embrace, before he dozed off again. In the last three days his boyfriend had been seeking contact more than ever before, almost desperately clinging to him whenever he could. He knew that Charlie was a little lost with this new situation, that he didn't know what to do and how to act. It seemed like his increased closeness was the only possible way for Charlie to show Spencer how much he cared for him. He was trying to pass to him all the support and warmth he could.

With any other human being this would have bothered Spencer for he usually didn't like close contact with other persons. He even avoided shaking hands if possible. Somehow it had never been the same with Charlie. Perhaps it was because he trusted him, or because they both understood each other like nobody had ever before. He knew that if he shied away of Charlie's touch the other would empathise, just because he knew the feeling himself. He surely wouldn't think bad of him like others might if they observed his odd behaviour.

He buried his nose in his lover's warm neck and let the other's smell override all unpleasant feelings he had had. A little smile crept over his face as he nestled up to Charlie even more. As he was doing this he noticed the other's morning hard-on and had to stifle a grin. He almost regretted having asked his boyfriend to have no sex since Charlie had taken the commandment very seriously and hadn't done anything more than hugging him in the last few days. And although Spencer knew that if they had sex his memories were most likely to come back, just as they had the last time, when he had hurt his lover, he still couldn't deny that he missed sleeping with him. He couldn't help feeling attracted to Charlie. His body certainly was. Very gently he started to place little kisses on his boyfriend's throat.

Soon Charlie stirred and opened his eyes. He smiled at the young man caressing him and kissed him good morning. Then he separated from Spencer and got up.

"Honey, don't go!", he pleaded with a slightly sleepy voice and propped himself up on one elbow. "Our flight leaves in the afternoon, we don't need to hurry."

"Yeah… I… I'm not tired.", Charlie responded, averting his gaze.

"Come back, please!", he pretended to pout, "During the whole conference we haven't had the chance for a lie-in."

"I… It's just…" Charlie's cheeks went rather pink. "I think I'd better go and have a shower. I'm having an erection."

Spencer smiled. "Me, too." He lay into the cushions again. "Come here!"

The other lifted an eyebrow. "I thought you don't want to have any kind of… uh… sexual interaction."

Spencer was relieved to see his lover sit down on the bed again. "I just don't want to do something that reminds me of… it. I'm open for anything else."

After a moment of hesitation Charlie crept back under the sheet and tenderly slid his arms around Spencer's waist. There was definitely something like interest shining out of his eyes. "Care to show me what 'anything else' means?"

"Yeah…" Spencer placed one hand on the other's neck to pull him closer for a soft kiss. Very gently he bit Charlie's lip. He heard his lover's lustful whine but was surprised that the other didn't react as quickly and as roughly as he sometimes did. His boyfriend just pulled him closer and kept stroking his back but his hands never wandered anywhere else. Charlie's kisses remained soft and tender as well. It seemed it was up to Spencer to decide what they were going to do but he felt he was a little irresolute. He didn't really know what exactly he wanted, and what was going to be too much for him.

After a few minutes of careful fondling his lover appeared to notice his indecision and very gently pushed Spencer onto his back. Charlie began to nibble at his earlobe, then at his neck. Slowly his lover's left hand wandered downwards until it reached his crotch and started to rub Spencer's arousal through the fabric of his boxer shorts.

"Is that good?", Charlie huskily whispered into his ear and as an answer Spencer could only whimper wantonly. His boyfriend looked up and fixed his gaze on his eyes. A coy smile was on his face. "There's something we never did but we could try it now."

Charlie started to kiss his chest while his hands slowly pulled Spencer's boxers down. Only when he saw his lover's head wander even more downwards Spencer realised what he was about to do. "No!", he breathed.

Charlie looked up at him again. "I promise, you'll like it."

He shook his head. "Just… don't!"

His boyfriend stopped and came up to kiss his lips again. "I won't.", he whispered in between kisses that became more and more passionate, "Don't worry!" Then he drew back, both their lips were already swollen and they were breathing hard. "Shall we stop?", Charlie asked, looking concerned.

Spencer shook his head. "No."

"Then what would you like me to do, baby?", his lover inquired, smiling fondly at him.

"C… Could you touch me?", he stammered, going slightly red. He was still feeling a little uneasy when he had to talk about sex, even with his boyfriend.

Charlie kissed the corner of his mouth. "Sure.", he mumbled.

Spencer felt his lover's fingers close around his hard-on and a delighted groan slipped out of his throat. Charlie was moving his hand quickly, expertly up and down.

"Do you like that?", Spencer heard his lover whisper.

Between moans of pleasure he managed to gasp, "Y… yes! Oh… yes!"

Charlie started to rub him even faster, making Spencer stammer incoherent things. He came soon and was almost ashamed of how long he hadn't lasted. Only now, as he was recovering a little from the high he had experienced he thought he should have done the same for Charlie and before the other could do anything else, Spencer almost forcefully pushed him on his back and rolled on him while his hand firmly gripped his lover's erection.

"Baby…" His lover seemed to want to say something but when Spencer began to stroke him he tilted back his head and just whined.

"Let me do the same for you…", Spencer whispered.

With a content sigh Charlie pressed his face into the crook between his lover's wet throat and shoulder. Their flight back to LA was going to leave in several hours and it felt like they still had all the time in the world. They were standing in the shower together, both not wanting to separate the slightest bit from each other. It was hot water that was washing over both of them but he felt they were drowning in intimacy.

"Marry me!"

Charlie lifted his head. "What?"

"Marry me!"

"Now?"

He heard Spencer chuckle into his hair. "No, not right now, we're not in Vegas anymore. But soon."

He pulled back to be able to look at the other man. "Wait, this is... uh..."

Spencer's face fell. "You don't want to?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad!", Charlie reassured him, "It's just a bit... out of the blue. We've been together for mere days now! We're not even living together."

"I know. But I'm sure about this. I want to be with you. Forever!"

"Yes, me too. I... just... It's a bit too fast for me."

"Is it because of Amita?"

Charlie blinked in bewilderment. "What on earth does she have to do with this?"

"Didn't you notice? She likes you."

"That's because we're friends."

Spencer shook his head. "When she talks to you she's playing with her hair. It's most likely happening subconsciously but it's a sign she wants you to touch her hair. She's also often licking her lips, a clear sign of attraction. And she dislikes me because I'm competition."

"I... uh." Charlie was taken aback. "She really does all that? I never noticed."

His boyfriend smiled at him. "Don't worry, I'm the same. Completely oblivious to flirting attacks."

"Then I should consider myself lucky you noticed me!"

Spencer laughed quietly and leaned in to press his lips against the other's. "That was different.", he assured him between kisses.

"How? I wasn't really aware of anything until we kissed for the first time." He felt the taller man's thumbs slowly drawing circles on his bare shoulderblades.

"Oh yes you were. You gave all kinds of signals."

Charlie's breath was becoming more ragged with every kiss. "Like those you described?"

"Yeah. And I only noticed them because I thought that you and me were so very much alike."

When their lips met again Charlie slid out his tongue. He was pleasantly surprised at how readily the other accepted it as soon as it brushed against Spencer's lips. Tentatively he licked his lover's tongue with his, relishing the jolts of bliss this little movements caused inside him.

Shortly afterwards Spencer withdrew and sighed. "So why don't you want to?"

He needed a moment to remember what they had been talking about. "Actually... actually a big part of me just wants to say 'yes' and shag you against this wall just because it makes me so incredibly happy you asked."

Spencer leaned forward for an affectionate kiss, his hands slid down to Charlie's waist and he took a step backwards towards the cold tiled wall, pulling the smaller man with him. "So why don't you just do that?", he whispered, biting his lip in a clearly seductive gesture and then he started nibbling at the other's earlobe.

Charlie was rather taken aback as he understood how badly Spencer wanted this, just how serious this was for him. He was prepared to use his allure, a tactic that had never failed him so far; and worse, he'd let his lover have sex with him even though he knew in all likelihood he'd find it unpleasant. So Charlie pulled back a little and locked eyes with his lover. "Because there's another part of me that says we should be more reasonable."

Spencer put his forehead against his and sighed. "Haven't we been reasonable way too long?"

"Spencer, we hardly know each other!", he decidedly replied. Charlie saw his boyfriend's eyes widen in realisation and how something inside them broke and he knew then that he had been insensitive and that his voice had sounded too harsh. Something inside his lover had been destroyed by these few words and he felt how it slipped away from him to never come back. All he could do was to stand there and watch helplessly as his boyfriend let go of him and left the shower. He opened his mouth to say something that erased his words but he couldn't find anything appropriate to say. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that the way it sounded!", he finally managed to shout, hoping it was not too late.

Quickly Charlie turned off the water and went after Spencer. He found him sitting on the hotel bed, hands covering his face, water dripping from his body because he hadn't taken a towel with him. He sat next to him and put his arms around the other's waist. He was relieved that Spencer didn't recoil at the touch. "Baby, I'm so sorry!", he whispered into his lover's ear, "I didn't mean to be so harsh to you!" He sighed with relief as he felt the other man lean into his embrace and slide his hands around him, too.

"I feel like I know you like nobody else before. I trust you. Completely.", Spencer said quietly, looking into his eyes.

"I know." Very gently he kissed his lover's cheek. "I feel like that, too."

"Why'd you have to say that, then? In the shower?"

Charlie sighed. "I meant... you know, facts. I hardly know anything about your past, about how you grew up."

Slowly, Spencer nodded. "I see. But it's not exactly important, is it?"

With his right hand, Charlie took the other's left elbow. He looked down at the crook of his lover's arm. "What's that, then?", he asked with a serious expression. "Is that really not important?"

Spencer followed his gaze and swallowed. On his left forearm were several faded red dots. Souvenirs from his drug addiction. He took a deep breath and nodded curtly. "There was this case. I was captured by a guy, Tobias Hankel, with dissociative identity disorder. You know, split personality."

Charlie just nodded.

"Sometimes he believed he was his father, at other times, the archangel Raphael and sometimes, himself. The first two characters... well, they tortured me because... they wanted me to confess my sins."

Very gently, Charlie pulled his lover closer as he started to shiver, either because of the memories or from the cold, he couldn't tell.

"It was Tobias who gave me the dilaudid. I didn't want him to do so but he said it helps." Spencer drew another deep breath. "And it did. Then the team found me. Secretly I took all the drugs I could find with me. You see I... I think I was depressed at that time. I felt so lonely." Spencer looked at his lover and Charlie saw fear in his eyes. Fear of rejection. "I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what I've been through. Nobody seemed to understand." He avoided his boyfriend's gaze. Charlie guessed his lover was anxious about how he was going to react.

"But you made it, didn't you?", he replied and gently stroked his lover's sleek, soaking wet hair. "You don't use anymore. These marks are old."

"I knew I couldn't keep my job if I continued. All my friends work at the FBI. I didn't want to become even more lonely."

"Didn't you talk to them?"

Spencer shook his head. "I didn't want them to treat me like a baby. They always do that when I tell them about my problems."

"What about your mother?" Charlie guessed that his boyfriend hadn't seen very much of his father, not if the mere sight of him had evoked forgotten memories.

There was a moment of hesitation before the other man answered. "She's schizophrenic. I don't think she'd understand. Sometimes she doesn't even recognise me."

Charlie sighed and gently kissed the other's chin. He'd wanted to kiss his temple but found he was slightly too short. There was a moment of silence as he continued stroking Spencer's hair, holding him close. "I'm not going anywhere, you know.", he assured his lover after a while.

The other man looked at him with mild confusion in his eyes.

"That's why you asked me to marry you, didn't you? You were afraid I'd leave you."

Spencer hung his head. "I... I guess... Charlie, I need you. I need you so much!"

"And I need you!", he replied, "I don't know what I would do without you, darling!" He stroked Spencer's cheek. "I don't want to know these things about your past to find your mistakes, or to laugh at you.", he explained. "I want to know them because they are part of the man I love."

Finally, the other man looked up at him with a little smile. "I guess you're right."

Charlie blinked. "About what?"

"Statistically speaking, couples who cohabited before marriage stay together longer than those who didn't. Perhaps we really should wait."

Charlie chuckled.

"What?"

"'Cohabited'!"

Spencer frowned, slightly irritated, "It is the correct word!"

Charlie started passionately kissing his boyfriend again, until they both retreated to catch their breath. "Sorry for teasing you.", he mumbled.

Spencer sighed but appeared not to be bothered. "Come on, let's get dressed, it's cold."