Chapter 12

The next morning I found myself drawn once more to the ruins of Thornfield. I walked about the abandoned grounds. The neglected gardens had little time to become overgrown before the chill of winter had stopped them. Snow was falling once again and covered everything with an eerie and deadly blanket.

I walked up the laurel walk to the old horse chestnut tree. Here was the place where Mr. Rochester had pretended to send me away, and then asked me to marry him. I had been so happy that night. I was innocent of all that would befall me. It had been less than a year ago, but it seemed like centuries ago. So much had happened to me since that night - things I had never believed could ever happen to me. I was a different Jane Eyre from the one who sat beneath this tree and dreamed of a bright future.

When the lightning had hit the tree that night, it had been split, but not felled. The two halves of the tree had stood upright in their strong base. Now the harsh winter had brought one of the halves down. It lay fallen and blackened, smashing through the bench at the base. The falling snow attempted to whitewash it unsuccessfully. The sight of it saddened me profoundly. I found myself reaching out and touching it, as if I could somehow bring life to it once more. My fingers left cold imprints in the snow that were quickly covered again.

I felt a strange shiver go through me. It seemed as if I were not alone. Thornfield had no ghosts, Mrs. Fairfax had once said, but something was haunting it now. I was sure I was being watched. I sensed a presence.

"Jane," I heard a very familiar voice say.

I turned from the tree and my reverie and saw Mr. Rochester standing there - no ghost, but a living, breathing man. I had not expected to see him there. I answered, "Mr. Rochester." I could say no more. I was tongue tied.

There was a look of uncontained joy on his face as well as shock. "I never expected to see you here. Are you sure I am not dreaming? Are you a ghost?"

I answered, "You are not dreaming sir. I came here last night."

"Why, Jane? What brought you here?"

My reasons sounded almost incredulous, but I told him the truth. "I just wanted to see Thornfield. I had hoped if I came back, I might hear news of you. I had thought I might speak with Mrs. Fairfax and let her know how I was faring."

He only answered, "Mrs. Fairfax is staying at a distance with friends now. I have set her up with an annuity for life."

"That was very kind of you sir," I answered.

"She was a good woman who served me well. She deserved it."

"Yes, she did," I answered. I could say no more.

We were silent for a few more moments. He continued to ask me questions. "So Jane, why are you here wandering through these ruined gardens on this cold day? Surely you have no more reason to be here at Thornfield now that you have seen it."

I told him the truth, "I felt I had had come back here. Something just compelled me."

He began to ask more questions. "Are you well Jane? Did you inherit your fortune? What have you been doing with yourself these past two months?"

I told him my story briefly. "I did go to London to claim my fortune. While I was there I learned my father had had a sister as well as a brother and I had cousins in the north. I stayed with them for a while. Our uncle had left his entire fortune to me. They inherited nothing and I felt that they had been cheated. I divided my inheritance among the four of us."

"But you have left them, Jane?"

"Yes. For now I have left them. I suppose I will return at some point. I am an independent woman now, a rich woman. I can go where I please." It was my turn to now ask, "Sir, why are you wandering these ruined grounds? How did you come to be here?"

My question seemed to break him from his shocked and confused state. "I come here often. I can't seem to stay away from revisiting the places where you and I had shared so much happiness. Since you left me those memories are all I have."

"You stay here in England?" I asked. "You are not returning to Falaisesmer or to the continent?"

"I cannot be away from England as long as I know you are here."

A harsh wind blew down the laurel walk and stuck my face with snow. I shivered. Mr. Rochester saw this.

"Jane, there is much I would like to ask you. I would like to talk to with you more, but it is clearly too cold out here. Will you come to tea tomorrow at Ferndean?"

I considered the offer. While I still felt so much anger and confusion over everything that had happened, I also still loved Mr. Rochester more than I could say. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to know if he had anything to tell me. "Yes. I will come to tea tomorrow."

"Very well. I will see you at three o'clock at Ferndean. I must bid you good day before you freeze to death out here." He said it with a slight laugh. I was pleased to see he still had some humor about him.

"I will be happy to," I said.

Just as I turned to walk away I heard him call out to me. "Jane!"

I turned, "Yes sir?"

"Do you despise me?"

"No sir," I said and continued my walk back to the inn without another word.

The Rochester Arms provided me with a chaise to take me to Ferndean the next day. The innkeeper was not wrong when he called it, "Quite a desolate spot." It was buried deep in the woods - a house of moderate size and no architectural pretensions. My heart beat fast as I approached. There was so much I needed to talk about with Mr. Rochester, and yet I knew I would be tempted to simply fall into his arms. I couldn't allow myself that luxury. I could never be with him unless I was sure he could truly treat me as his equal.

I approached the door and knocked. I was surprised to see Mary answer. Were John and Mary his only servants now?

"Mary, how are you?" I asked.

"I can't believe it's you, Miss. I've been told you are having tea with the Master?"

"Yes. I hope it won't be an inconvenience if I install myself here tonight. I dismissed my carriage."

"It may be difficult, but I believe I can make something do," she said.

With that she led me into the parlor. It was not the splendid drawing room of Thornfield, but looked comfortable enough. Mr. Rochester sat in his chair by the cold fireplace, looking agitated. He must have been concerned that I would not show. When Mary announced me he nearly jumped out of his chair.

"Jane, he exclaimed. "I'm glad you came. I was afraid you might change your mind."

"I am here, sir, as I said I would be."

He bade me to sit and sent Mary to fetch the tea.

"I see you have dismissed your other servants," I said.

"Yes," he replied. "This house does not need a full complement of staff and John and Mary are sometimes the only ones I can stand to have around me."

He did not beat around the bush with finding out what he really wanted to know. He asked me right away, "Jane, why did you feel you needed to leave me this way?"

It was time to confront him. I had to tell him what I knew. "You knew that I had inherited a fortune from my uncle before I left you, did you not?"

He looked shocked at my question. He did not hesitate too long before answering though. "Yes. I knew. You were aware that I knew?"

Feeling nervous about what I was about to confess, I stood and began to pace the room. I could not quite look him in the eye. "Yes. I went to fetch the post one day and I saw you had a letter from Mr. Briggs. I had this suspicion, and I don't know why, that it might concern me. I thought you might say something to me about it. When you said nothing, I did something terrible. I went to the library when you were not there and went through your things. I found his letter to you and I wrote to him myself."

I stopped and looked at him. "I'm sorry for doing that sir. It was wrong of me. I just had to know. When more time went by and you still said nothing to me, I felt that you did not want me having a fortune, and that I would have to leave you if I wanted to claim it."

He sighed deeply. He did not look angry. I returned to my chair. Finally he said, "I suppose it wasn't wrong Jane. You had a right to know and I didn't want to tell you."

I asked the obvious questions. "Why? Did you really wish to have me always dependent on you?"

He seemed surprised by the question. "I never thought of it that way. Jane, I was so afraid that once you had a fortune you would have friends and family and a place in society. I was afraid it would take you away from me. You would not wish to shock or offend anyone if you stayed with me. I selfishly thought it would keep you by my side.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I'm very sorry. We were so happy for that time in France. I wanted to just keep our own little world the way it was with just you and me. I never meant to hurt you. I suppose in some small way I did want to keep you dependent on me."

He had one more question for me. "How were you able to pay for your passage to London if you had not yet claimed your fortune?"

It was time for another confession. "I had to sell some of the jewelry you gave me, sir. I know those were gifts and I feel quite bad that I had to do that."

"It serves me right, Jane. I know how you hated jewels and fine clothes. None of that is worth a filip if you're not with me."

He looked at me so pleadingly. I know he longed to hear me say he had my forgiveness and that I would be his. There was still one more confession I had to make that hung between us, that stopped me from saying exactly what Mr. Rochester wanted to hear.

"Sir, there is one more thing I must tell you. I suppose little of it matters now, but I feel you must still know."

He saw how distressed I looked. "What is it Jane? What still troubles you?" His own look was equally agitated.

"Sir," I swallowed and hesitated, but finally said what I had to say. "There was a child."

A look of pure shock came over his face. "A child? What child? What do you mean?"

The story now spilled out. "I was with child when I left you, sir."

"You...were...with...child," he repeated. "I knew none of it? You would not tell me this?"

"What would you have done?" I countered. "Would you have sent it away? Would you have acknowledged a bastard? I know you are not fond of children, sir. I did not want my child to live his life like Adele."

"That is quite unfair judgment of me Jane. Adele's mother was faithless and there is little evidence that Adele is mine. A child of yours, one that I know would be mine, that is something I must acknowledge no matter what the world's opinion would be of me."

Tears dripped down my cheeks to hear these words. I don't know if I believed him or not, but I still felt as if I had made a mess of things. It would no longer matter if he were telling the truth. He saw my sadness now. He realized I had been speaking in the past tense.

"What of it now, Jane? Is there to be a child?"

I shook my head. "I lost it not two weeks ago."

He came up to me and threw his arms about me. He held me so tightly it was hard to breathe. "Jane, I'm so sorry. Don't be angry with me now. Stay with me. I will take care of you always and I will never again try to keep you beneath me."

I sobbed in his arms for a long time. I thought of everything I had done and all of the consequences. I had made a rash decision in a moment of passion to go to France with Mr. Rochester. Then I left him not knowing that I might be free to marry him in a mere month. How many bad decisions had I made? What a mess I had made of everything!

I realized that there was nothing in the past that could be undone. I could not deny how happy I had been at Falaisesmer. I also knew that if I hadn't left Mr. Rochester when I did, I might not have ever known my family. Some good had come of my actions. It seems that despite all that had happened, I had still found myself in the place I most wanted to be - in Mr. Rochester's arms once again. It was time to stop dwelling on the past. We could move forward. I became calmer.

Mr. Rochester released me slightly and lifted my face to look into my eyes. "Jane, are you better now?"

"Yes, sir."

"Jane, will you marry me?"

"Yes, sir."

He was shocked with the swiftness and bluntness of my answer. "You will marry your deceitful seducer?"

"Yes, sir."

"You will marry a man twenty years older than you, who sometimes grows a bit possessive?"

"Yes, sir."

"Most truly dear?"

"Most truly, sir."

"My darling," he exclaimed. "May God bless and reward you."

"My dear Edward," I said. "I have my reward."

He kissed me then and we stayed in each other's arms for a while, whispering our sweet plans for the future. All from the past would be forgotten and we promised a new life together.

Suddenly Edward let me go and said, "Jane, I believe it's time for tea. I would be a rude host to not offer what I invited you here for."

We laughed and sat down to tea.