Meanwhile, Snape watched as Celeste ran into Honeydukes. He knew she that she had to work today, but he secretly wished she could stay longer. He had certainly enjoyed the kissing, but he was wondering if he should have done something more, actually (as in overnight). Maybe she would have had a heart attack if he tried to do anything, but he thought she'd liked the kissing, too.

Suddenly, Snape's doorbell rang. For one moment his brain went haywire and he thought it was Celeste, but then he remembered she was working today. So he went to the door, puzzled as to who would come to see him besides Celeste, opened the door, and saw Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Severus!" cried Lockhart, catching Snape in a hug. Snape grunted. Lockhart had apparently forgiven him for going out with Meg once, since they had broken up. Now, thought Snape, it's that idiot Black he should be mad at, not me. Meg is absolutely loopy about Sirius Black.

"Okay…why did you come here?" Snape said, watching Lockhart warily. He thought Lockhart was going to jump right at him again, and he didn't particularly want that to happen.

"I was just coming to tell you that my plan worked," Lockhart said proudly. "I made Celeste have a leak in her basement, so she would come over to your house. After she left, I called some people to come and fix the leak. Isn't that the coolest thing I ever did? Aren't you grateful for me? Anyway, Severus, the reason I came is so I could ask if you two had any…you know…fun."

"Lockhart, if you meant we had intercourse, we…"

"I KNEW IT!" screamed Lockhart triumphantly before Snape could finish. "I knew if I put you two together, you would do something inappropriate! And wasn't I right, Severus?"

"No, you weren't," said Snape. "We did nothing. And anyway, it's not inappropriate."

"You should have," said Lockhart, ignoring that last comment of Snape's. "And, anyway, I know you would have enjoyed it, Severus. I know you two would become very intimate. And I know it would be something like you wanted her to stay so, again, you two could have had…"

"Shush," said Snape. And then, more seriously, "So you think I should've?"

"Yes," said Lockhart, stressing the word. "Of course, Severus…you're a big boy now! If you didn't do it last night, then when are you going to? You need to think about this."

"Maybe after I'm married?" said Snape curtly. "And I don't think about it all the time."

"You did when you were thirteen." Lockhart grinned. He seemed to want Snape to chase him around the house, only to be finally smashed in the head by a large umbrella.

"Well, I was a teenage boy! What did you expect?" said Snape angrily, wanting that umbrella. "And I'll have you know I didn't think about it all the time, anyway, you idiot!"

"Then what did you think about?" said Lockhart. "The size of her…"

"Okay, now you're starting to piss me off," Snape interrupted him. "Just because I thought about crawling in bed with this certain girl doesn't mean I had any real plans of it."

"I know who you liked," said Lockhart in a singsong voice, dancing around the room. "Charlotte. And I heard you telling Lucius you wanted to get in bed with her, you know, when we were outside. And Lucius said that she had big you-know-whats, and you agreed with him, too."

"Well…" said Snape slowly. He did remember that day…

"And did you hear? Charlotte Smith is in Azkaban. She was a Death Eater." Lockhart danced around the room some more. Snape menacingly edged over to his umbrella stand.

"She's in Azkaban?" said Snape. "Serves her right…Anyway, do you know where Meg is?"

"Oh, Meg?" said Lockhart, his eyes clouding over. "She went to the Bahamas with Sirius Black. They got married, I think. Remember, Sirius was innocent? In the People Magazine section of the Daily Prophet, they've got an article about how they eloped and might be coming back."

"Of course they will," said Snape curtly. "Black is Potter's godfather, remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Lockhart, a look of comprehension dawning on his stupid face. "Wasn't it so fun when we went to school with them, Severus? And you still go to school with Harry!"

"No, I don't!" Snape yelled, his hand fastening over one umbrella. "I'm just his teacher. And anyway, you really are getting on my nerves. So if you wouldn't leave right now, please…"

"I don't want to," said Lockhart sadly. "I want to play with you."

Snape sighed. Lockhart was quite stupid. Finally, he lifted his umbrella and said, "I can't play. You've got until the count of three…" He showed Lockhart three fingers, and put one down, then another…and as he was lowering the last finger, Lockhart stood there for a moment, just staring.

"STOP!" he screamed. "Oh, Severus, I don't want to leave yet! I thought you were the only person who would listen to me, but now, even you won't listen to what I have to say anymore!"

"Well, what is it?" said Snape impatiently.

"I…I don't have a girlfriend," said Lockhart sadly. "And you do. And this time it's not a Romance Charm on her or anything. And, please, can't you help me be more cool with the ladies?"

"The ladies?"

"Yes," said Lockhart, sniffing. "The reason I put you two together is, I want to know what you guys did, so then I can do it with my girlfriend. Did you…umm…play Ultimate Frisbee, maybe?"

"Ultimate Frisbee?" said Snape. Lockhart was really, incredibly, stupid. "No, for your information, we were kissing, and when you do that, you have to sort of put your hands around her waist. Have you ever heard of something called French-kissing? It's where you kiss with your tongues. And how could you do anything with your girlfriend if you don't even have a girlfriend? Were you lying or something?"

"No," said Lockhart sadly. "I mean if I get one. And, you know, French-kissing sounds disgusting."

"Only until you try it," said Snape simply, watching Lockhart closely. "Besides, if you want a girlfriend, you really have to…umm…" Snape was about to say how his visitor should stop being so stupid, but he didn't want a crying Lockhart rampaging through his house. A happy one was bad enough. "You have to learn some more things, like learn how to do magic better. Girlfriends love magical people."

"I have magical powers," said Lockhart. "The ladies all think I'm stupid, though."

"That's because you ARE stupid," said Snape, but only so quiet that Lockhart couldn't hear. Loud enough, though, he said, "Maybe you should try to be more…umm…intelligent, you know?"

"What about…" Lockhart frowned. "Physically?"

Snape stared at him. "What the…oh, you get out of here." He pushed Lockhart out the door. What was this idiot thinking, anyway? Snape watched Lockhart turn around to look at him.

Lockhart grinned stupidly. Without a word, Snape used his wand to read his thoughts. He was only able to do this because Lockhart was so unintelligent that he didn't notice. Lockhart was thinking about him and, wouldn't you know, Meg, kissing under the moonlight. Snape blinked as the rush of lost love filled him…but wasn't he over her? He waved to Lockhart, feeling strangely sympathetic.