So, in response to an anonymous review saying that because of the 'sex scene' last chapter, I should up this story to an M-Rating: what do you guys think? On the one hand, it'd give me more freedom to write more things like that but on the other hand, M-Rated stories are automatically filtered out of the archive when you first look through it, so I'm worried that not only would this story get less attention, but that you guys who haven't favourited this series or have it on alert will not know when I update. So, should I up the rating to an M?
Due to popular request, here is the chapter you've all been waiting for – JADE. IS. PREGNANT.
Izz serious chizz.
Jade's POV
I woke up in a bed (how surprising…) and felt someone beside me.
I actually swear I didn't mean to make that sound dirty :3
I looked to my left and realized that it was my boyfriend Beck!
Prepare for the most OOC thing you've read since the last time I updated…
OMG, did we, like, have sex? OMG OMG OMG OMG, this means I MUST be pregnant because it's impossible in FanFiction to have sex and NOT be pregnant.
Yeah, Jade did just break the fourth wall. Deal with it.
OMG OMG OMG, I might be a MOM!
Jade jumped out of bed and stomped through the room that the author still hasn't described AT ALL. Miraculously, Beck didn't wake up.
Jade got into the bathroom and pulled out a pregnancy test, because she always sleeps with those things, didn't you know? Get with it.
Since the author probably doesn't even know how pregnancy tests work, she will just place a time-skip WITHOUT A DIVIDER (OMG) and skip to the result.
Jade looked at the little pregnancy test in her hand, and tears began to flow down her face. I seriously hope her attitude is as positive as this result.
I'm pregnant? NO! My life is over! The love of my life who I want to call my husband is the father to my baby! Things will never be the same again! OMG, I have to tell my parents! How will they react?
And of course, I'm going to tell Cat because she's my BESTIE DUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH.
Yeah… I don't even understand where authors get that from.
Since Jade is pregnant, she will now begin to experience morning sickness within about 5 seconds.
350 words. POV switch time.
Beck's POV
I woke up in a bed (yes, thank you author, we are very aware that when you wake up, nine times out of ten it is in a bed) and IMMEDIATELY heard someone being sick. Since I couldn't feel Jade beside me like I normally do every morning (perv…) I instantly knew it was her. Well that and I used my x-ray vision to see through the wall.
Whoever wrote Chapter 1 was really generous to me!
Just so I could appease the author's sick fantasies (not mine, trust me), I forgot to put any clothes on as I ran into the bathroom.
"Jade what is wrong?" I asked.
"I am sick Beck and something else too…" Jade told me.
I was very surprised, even though I wasn't even told what Jade was.
"Well what are you?" I asked, completely ignoring the positive pregnancy test in her hand.
"I'm pregnant Beck." Jade screamed as if she wanted the whole neighbourhood to hear her. Jade then began to cry her eyes out because that's totally one of her characteristics.
"You aren't crying over the pain in your voicebox, are you?" I asked.
"No." Jade said without any emotion, even though just 5 seconds ago she was crying.
"We have to tell your parents, who you've never given a damn about for your whole entire life! What a big deal!" I worried out loud.
"No we can't my dad will random abuse me if I make him angry!" Jade cried.
"I don't care, because I love you so much." I said.
(?)
OMG TIME SKIP
Author's POV
"Okay now we are at my house." said Jade, because the author apparently doesn't know how to set the scene through narration.
"I'll knock on the door, my beautiful darling." Beck said lovingly, knocking on the door.
"Okay!" Jade said happily.
Wasn't she crying just a few seconds ago?
The door opened.
"Hi, Mr. West!" Beck said politely.
"JADE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU MISSED THREE RANDOM ABUSE SESSIONS NOW I WILL RANDOM ABUSE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND TO MAKE UP FOR IT!"
"No, daddy! I'm sorry!" Jade screamed, attempting to run into the house inhabited by her dad, because that's just so fucking logical.
However, because this is a bade!pregnancy story, Jade is already about 5 months pregnant even though she only found out she was pregnant this morning.
As a result, she couldn't run like she usually does and instead seemed to waddle like a penguin.
"Noooooo!" Pingu – sorry, Jade yelled as her dad grabbed her and threw her down to the floor.
"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING PREGNANT, EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE PREGNANT IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Jade's dad screamed, kicking her ribs again.
Never underestimate the power of the magic foot.
Now Beck will be omgsofuckingheroic and will try to save Jade, for no reason other than to give the author a reason to add lots of omg!badefluff to the chapter (shoot me... please shoot me).
"Get off of my precious Jade!" Beck yelled, trying to pull Mr. West off of her.
"No!" Jade's dad said, pushing Beck away.
Good effort.
Luckily, Jade's extendo-arm stretched all the way through Jade's OMG DISGUSTINGLY ELEGANT house to her bedroom and grabbed the scissors Cat got her for Christmas, since many Bade authors are blind to ANYTHING other than omg!badefluff and omg!catandjadearebesties!
Man... I can't wait to spoof that one.
...
OOPS! Spoiler alert... ;)
Jade got up and waddled away, even though she never actually slashed her father with the scissors. Maybe he got up to go make a sandwich.
"Jade! Come back my dear!" Beck said, running after his true love!
"No! My dad hates me, and he random abused me for being pregnant so I have nowhere to go because my daddy doesn't love me!" Jade said.
"But you have me." Beck said.
"HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT CHANGE THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER, YOU FUCKING TWAT!" Jade screamed.
I'm actually laughing to myself picturing Beck's reaction to that one.
Since the author doesn't actually appear to be creative enough to think of a way for Beck to react, the author simply put a TIME SKIP.
Let's do the time skip again
:3
Beck and Jade walked into the school happily. Suddenly Jade started screaming and crying.
"NOO BECK I don't want to tell everyone at school that I'M PREGNANT! What if they all judge me for being PREGNANT?" Jade screamed. Luckily, since this is FanFiction, no one in the crowded locker area heard her.
"Jade you have to tell everyone, remember I am only pressuring you into doing things you don't want to do which is stressing you out and possibly harming our unborn baby because I love you and I am the most awesome, hottestest, sweetest boyfriend EVAR, and also the author needs a way to advance the plot and so is blatantly using my character as an excuse to do so!" Beck said, summarising his only real purpose in any omg!badepregnancy fics, EVAR.
Then Cat walked up.
This is an important thing that you must ALWAYS remember: In ANY FanFiction involving Jade (except for Cade), Cat is the most intelligent person on the planet and can psychoanalyse every situation in milliseconds.
"Hello there, Jade, my OMFG BFF." Cat greeted.
"What do you want?" Jade said irritably.
"OMG! Since you said one mean thing to me, this must automatically mean that you're pregnant, because you definitely aren't mean to people for no reason usually! OMG WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BFF?" Cat said, running off crying.
"Oh no I guess now I must run after her as an excuse for the author to establish the omg!sisterlybond that we DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE." Jade said worriedly, before running after her.
Waddling is, leik, SOO last month.
"Cat!" Jade said, finally catching up to her. (Wow, she must have ran an entire 30 fucking centimetres away)
"Jade I don't want to talk to you!" Cat said to the meanest person at Hollywood Arts.
Prepare for horrifying OOC-ness...
"I'm SOUPER SORRY! I didn't mean to not tell you I just didn't because I don't want people to judge me I am so sorry Cat you are my BFF for life and I would never want to change that, please forgive me I am just so sorry!" Jade begged.
My brain is bleeding.
"Okay!" Cat said.
TIME SKIP
"Now we have to tell my parents." Beck said.
"No I don't want to tell your parents they will judge me!" Jade said.
Nooo... we'd never judge a 17 year old girl still in school who's already pregnant.
"Jade, we have this conversation every time the author is so lazy that they add in a time skip, and you always give in so give in this time my beautiful darling."
"Okay." Jade said.
Beck went into his parent's house, apparently leaving Jade standing at the doorstep.
"Mom? Dad?" Beck called.
Suddenly Beck's parents appeared. What a shocking plot twist.
"What is it, my perfect little Beck?" Beck's mom said.
"I am pregnant and I am also going to have a baby." Jade said.
"Listen I know you hate Jade but I promise we will raise the baby ourselves and we will be happy!" Beck said.
"Beck, son, this is FanFiction, and we're your parents! You should know by now that whenever Jade gets pregnant, we instantly love her!" Beck's dad said.
"Okay!" Beck and Jade said together, happily.
"Now we need to tell the whole school that you are now 8 ½ months pregnant, because in bade!pregnancy fics, time really passes that quickly!"
Seriously, it really does.
Beck and Jade somehow managed to get the whole school in one place for a special announcement. Of course, the author won't explain how they managed this, because that would require effort.
"Attention everyone!" Jade said.
"What is it?" everyone said at once, because that's soo possible.
"I am going to have a baby!" Jade said, raising her arms and smiling widely as though she just told everyone she had won the lottery.
Since this is FanFiction, everyone, including the teachers shall be unanimously happy for Beck and Jade and will start cheering.
"WOOOO! WAY TO GO JADE! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TEENAGE MOTHER! CONGRATULATIONS!"
And now that everyone knows, Beck and Jade must have a cheesy conversation to wrap up the tension.
"See, babe? Everyone is supportive of our baby!" Beck said.
"Yeah, I'm so glad I have you. My family may be a heap of shit but that doesn't matter because you are the perfect boyfriend and you will always catch me when I fall. You are always there for me when I have a bad time, and I love you so much Beckett Oliver, even though it has never been established that Beckett is your full name." Jade said in the most OOC voice she could, making herself sound completely STOOPID.
Suddenly to increase the omg!drama, Jade went into labour.
Since the author probably has little to no understanding of how going into labour or giving birth works, this next part will be so inaccurate, it will be absolutely horrifying.
"BECK! I'm in labour!" Jade said.
"Wow there is water all over the floor!" Beck said.
"My water broke I am going to give birth!" Jade said.
Luckily, Hollywood Arts keeps an ambulance ready in the storage room in case something like this happens (which it seems to, like, every other day).
Jade got in the ambulance screaming from the horrible pain of her labour. Beck and Cat got in the ambulance as well and since the author has simply NO CLUE, they weren't kicked out for not being family.
"We are all here for you Jade." Beck said as they wheeled her into the hospital, even though Beck and Cat were the only ones there.
Jesus, where the fuck was the hospital? Just across the road? That was the shortest fucking ride I've ever heard of -.-
Unless that mysterious bear regurgitated the ambulance to the hospital. It's possible...?
"All except my dad." Jade said sadly, because apparently the pain of labour completely went away so that one line would be more dramatic.
"NOO! WAIT!" a mysterious voice called out.
"Who could that be?" Cat said, confused.
Well, obviously since the author mentioned Jade's dad just 5 seconds ago, it could only be him.
Jade's dad ran over to Jade, Baywatch-style, happily with a beer bottle in one hand and nothing in the other.
Wow... let's all applaud the author for paying so much attention to detail that they even mentioned that Jade's dad's hand had nothing in it!
"Jade my beautiful daughter, I am here for you!" he said happily.
WTF.
Just WTF.
"Daddy, you're here for me." Jade said happily.
"Of course darling. Character development finally caught up with me." Jade's dad said.
"I don't think character development can still affect a guy who's in his 40s." Beck pointed out.
"Sure it can. Wait 25 years, look at Justin Bieber, and then try telling me that again."
Jade was wheeled into the room that the author doesn't even know the name of.
"Okay Jade, even though we haven't prepared you at all and you've only been in the room for 5 seconds, PUSH!" the nurse said.
"ARRGGHHHH! IT HURTS SO MUCH BECK I CAN'T DO IT!" Jade screamed.
"Yes you can my dear, be strong! We all believe in you!" Beck encouraged her.
"AAAAAGGGHHH! I CAN'T GET THIS DAMNED THING OUT OF MY WOMANFLOWER!" Jade yelled.
"I can see the head Jade. One final push." the nurse said.
"ARRGGGGHHH!" Jade screamed as she pushed one final time.
"It is a beautiful baby girl." the nurse said without even pulling the baby out.
"What should we call her?" Beck asked.
Remember the teachings of Chapter 5: Since it is a girl, it will have a horribly laughable name that no real girl would ever have.
PANCAKES.
"Let's call her... Blazia Lacey Bellasophia West." Jade said happily.
"Okay." Beck said, since he ALWAYS goes along with whatever Jade wants to name the child.
"We are all going to be one big happy family." Jade's dad said.
"Yeah... yeah." Jade said, omg looking at her beautiful new daughter, and then at her beautiful boyfriend Beck, and her 'loving' father.
Blazia Lacy Bellasophia West.
God help her.
Wait, where the hell is Cat?
Dear god, I'm so worried that this hasn't lived up to the hype that stalling it has created. I'm so sorry if this disappointed you! :(
I'm just glad I've finally got this chapter out to you guys. It's been hanging over my head since I first started writing it 4 months ago so it's a relief to finally see it make it onto this site.
Please review with your opinion on this chapter! And also I ask again: should I change this series to an M-Rating? If you need to re-read why I can't decide, it's in the opening author's note to this chapter.
I've had enough of spoofing Bade for now, so next chapter will NOT be Bade or Bori.
In fact, to narrow it down even more, it won't be a Beck ship at all. ;)
-Ailodierap