A/N scared ya'll there for a minute didn't i? :3 anyway i was like 'naww i'll do it later' then i forgot and one day i logged into and saw that this story has...134 reviews. why? i have no idea. you guys...you're all..so..freakin...awesome...i think i died for a minute there. seriously. i love you guys. so this update is for you guys cuz...ur cool and things. i heart you...deep in my pants. srsly. okay you can go read now. 3

Drug of Choice:

Chapter 11: the sound of the wind.

It was all a whirlwind of chaos and internal pain. Allen's head was throbbing and his throat and chest felt tight. He didn't know where to go now, stumbling blindly down the street in any direction.

He stumbled onto a bench at a nearby park and he pressed his hands against his face breathing hard and fast.

It was all so messed up now…his best friend…his most treasured friend in the whole world was in love with him!

So many questions filled Allen's mind. There were Demands as to why he hadn't seen it sooner or why he had never done anything. How could he have let it go on for so long? Why was he so blind?

So ignorant and childish and cruel…So cruel.

The pain of losing a friend is something that stays. There is nothing that can make it go away, it remains and for all Allen wished it to not be real or true...it was too late.

A friendship that had taken his whole life to build up was now in ruins. Not only had he lost Kanda but he'd lost Lavi and it was now that he felt the sting of loss deep in his heart. It felt like something embedded inside him was ripped out and it left him hollow and bleeding.

If he'd only known sooner than this could have been avoided…Allen was so sure it all could have been avoided if he'd just…

Just what?

What could he have done to stop this?

It was a heavy burden to realize that nothing could have prevented this, in the end Lavi might have forced himself on Allen, he would have hurt Kanda, and he might have even hurt himself and even if Allen had left Kanda alone that wouldn't stop Lavi from being in love with him.

Bitter tears slipped down Allen's cheeks and he wiped them quickly and distracted himself by glancing at his surroundings which seemed familiar.

He could never answer Lavi's feelings because his whole heart and life belonged to one man…one miserable, hateful man.

And as if triggered by his mere mention a vivid memory came unbidden into Allen's mind of Kanda, tiny and angry standing by the swings glaring at him with those deep blue eyes of his.

This was where they had met the first time.

The sound of the wind in the pines and the soft hum of the cars passing in the distance made Allen's heart calm just a little bit.

Until he turned and saw Kanda standing by the bench still in his school uniform but with his hair down and swaying gently in the cool evening breeze.

Allen's eyes stung and his throat tightened again as his heart skipped a beat.

He looked away.

"I wish…I wish I'd never laid eyes on you…" he muttered bitterly.

If it had been any other time then he would never even think of such a thing. Kanda was his everything, his life, his love, his reason for living.

"I know." Kanda answered almost gently.

Allen's hands tightened into fists, "I wish I had changed schools…th-that I'd never told you about my feelings because now when I think about that day it sickens me…"

"You can't change it." Kanda said slowly, "you can't just walk away now."

Allen turned to look at him, "yeah I can, right now. I'll just leave town, pack my things and get out because this is so messed up…I can't deal with this anymore. I was too focused and selfish to see what was really happening and the worst part is I can't blame anyone but myself."

Kanda took a step forward, "shut the hell up you fucker. You're not leaving because that fucking loser didn't have the balls to tell you anything until it was too late. I'm not letting you go."

Allen flinched, "you don't understand how hard it can be to say something like that…you don't-"

Another step, "you told me didn't you?"

Allen glared, "what?"

"You told me. And even though I fucked Lenalee afterward you still persisted, you stuck to me like the fucking plague and after what I did to you that day you still…still wanted me to finish you off."

Allen flushed from the embarrassment at his own words, "yeah, so? In the end what was that worth? The price was too high and I hadn't even noticed…I…I hadn't bothered to look around me and I followed what led me to you so blindly."

"And I'm here…" Kanda whispered taking the last steps toward Allen, "I'm right fucking here dammit."

This wasn't right and despite that in the back of his mind he knew that it wasn't really his fault he couldn't stop himself from taking all the blame. His heart demanded it because Lavi was his friend and Allen was supposed to look after him!

That's what friends were supposed to do.

Yet here was Kanda. Kanda of all people telling him that it wasn't his fault and that the only one to blame was Lavi for not being strong enough to speak his mind about what really mattered.

"You little shit say something already!" Kanda snapped his blue eyes flashing.

Allen felt slightly out of breath, "why are you here…" he asked resigned and desperately needing to change the subject.

"tch, you're more of an idiot than I thought." Kanda sneered.

Allen looked away from him.

He was weak, and it was obvious that Kanda hadn't seen him like this before.

He could see it in Kanda's eyes 'what no snappy comeback? No lustful whisper in my ear about how much you want me? What happened? Lost all your steam? You piece of shit you can't deal with what I have, you weren't ready for it and now-

Then he saw.

Kanda saw that the walls had been lowered and he dared another step closer.

He had to because this was familiar, deceptively so.

Allen wiped a stray tear from his cheek and glared down at his knees sniffling.

he heard a swishing sound and turned his head to Kanda and saw that he'd gotten down on his knees and was touching his hair.

Allen slapped his hand away and glared fiercely, "what the hell are you-"

Kanda effortlessly shut him up with a kiss, both hands cupping his cheeks with his warm hands and pressing close.

Allen shuddered and placed his hands on Kanda's broader shoulders in surrender.

It was warm, comforting and Allen felt light with his heart all fluttery.

'Damn you Kanda, Damn you to hell and back.'

They separated slowly, their lips touching briefly again and again as if they didn't want it to end, the first real kiss they'd ever shared.

Kanda's blue eyes were wide and curious like a cat's and Allen thought to himself how cute it would be if Kanda would start to purr.

Kanda stood up and grabbed his wrist, "well come on now dammit, I'm hungry."

Allen smiled up at him and was standing up to join him when suddenly there was a 'click' and it happened in an instant, a loud crack echoed in the silent evening air and Allen's upper body was suddenly spattered with blood.

But the only sound Allen heard was Kanda slumping to the ground.