Susan rolled over, hand encountering something. Frowning into wakefulness, she saw Caspian. And that irritated her, but she couldn't quite recall why. Oh. Then she debated quite strongly beating him awake. He'd killed Nikabrik. As well as forced her. Plus he'd strangled her while doing it. Even though she had to admit (at least somewhere deep inside) that it had been erotic as hell, having such a visible display of his control over her - but that was beside the point.
His arm was draped possessively over her, as well as a leg, a worried crease between his brows, even as he slept. Most times Caspian eased, became innocent and young looking in repose. Sighing, Susan rubbed her temples, there was a fight going on inside her skull - with war elephants and big bangs and all that guff - about whether to castrate him or to kiss him until that look on his face went away. Gritting her teeth, Susan just curled into him, because she was scared still. She'd almost died, and that was a fact - as well as the fact tha Caspian had saved her life... but only for his own reasons. Always for himself, never a thing for her.
"Mphnoo," it was a whine, facial muscles twitching.
Stilling, Susan watched, it had been awhile since he'd had a nightmare that she could remember. Before the first time - he'd had them all the time. But the time since he'd been brought back by Grilf, they had seemed a thing of the past, so much so that Susan had forgotten them.
"Noo..." it was soft whimpering, lips barely moving.
Susan realized that that was what had made her roll over, waking her. Chewing her lip, Susan watched, air puffing his lips then a small twitch of his shoulders.
"Mama..." a tear squeezed from his eye, and Susan noticed how long his lashes were, almost effeminately long.
Helpless to stop how her heart squeezed at that, Susan brushed his shaggy bangs from his face, stroking his cheek, "Hush Caspian. It's fine. Hush."
"Noo..please..."
Cupping his cheek, Susan kissed his chin, "Caspian sshhh, it's okay, hush." Swallowing, Susan tried to think what his mother may have called him, "Hush love. Hush it's fine." Kicking herself for her foolishness, and how easily he could sway her, Susan crooned softly at him, "You're safe love, it's fine."
"Mama," it was a heartbreaking cracking cry, little more than a tiny sound.
Susan wrapped her arms around him tightly, the motion causing him to snap awake, fighting.
Pinned, Caspian over her, Susan waited, "Caspian, wake up... you're safe."
Mouth crashing down on her, Susan felt the sheer agony Caspian had roiling beneath the surface. He broke away gasping for breath, then rolled from the pallet, kneeling nude scarred body hideous in the light of the torches, yet beautiful for its form. And for the fact that it showed he'd survived.
Head in his hands Caspian's shoulders shook, as he visibly fought to regain a semblance of control. Licking her lips, Susan followed, resting her cheek on the back of his neck, hands hovering over his skin, wondering if she should do this or not.
Taking a deep breath, Susan lay her palms over the thick mat, careful of her injured hand, yet wanting him to feel her there. Caspian shuddered, starting to pull away, but Susan didn't let him, sliding her arms around his chest, tugging him into her. A choking noise, like he was gagging, close to vomiting, then she realized he was crying. Crawling around to his front, Susan tried to take his face in her hands, but he recoiled, hiding his head from her, pushing weakly at her chest.
"Caspian? Look at me Caspian, you're awake, you're safe," taking hold of his hand, massaging the skin between his knuckles.
Hiccuping, rough shivering, and still that horrific sound like he was physically ill, choking on sobs trying to stop them before they came out. Becoming impatient with him, Susan moved forward, not letting him scramble away though he tried, until she was straddling his hips, then she lay down atop him, pressing her chest to his. That did it, and Caspian's neck arched back, a forlorn howl issuing. The sound of it raised her hackles, it sounded so empty, and the way he started shaking, almost as though in seizure, frightened Susan.
Crawling further up his body, Susan cradled his face between her hands, "Caspian? Please, you're scaring me..."
Arms came up, wrapping around her, crushingly tight, squeezing the air from her lungs, He sat them up, his legs crossed beneath her bottom, rocking side to side. The sound was horrific, and Susan just didn't know what to do. Cupping his head Susan, stroked him, lending what comfort she could.
"Please," it was ragged, barely recognizable as a word. "Please, make it stop."
Flinching, "Make what stop Caspian?"
"The pain, I cannot take it..."
Clinging to him, Susan enfolded him in her embrace, legs about his waist, arms around his shoulders, forearms cocked so his head stayed in her hands, "Where does it hurt?"
Whispering, "My chest, my head. Make it stop."
"I don't know how," heartbreaking. What could have unmanned him so? "Tell me what's wrong, what brought this about Caspian?"
"Mother, I killed her, I almost did not get to you in time, you both died, make it stop!" wailing though it didn't carry far past the air around them.
Shaking her head, "Caspian that was a long time ago, and me? I'm just a possession, you know that. No great loss. Hush Caspian everything is alright."
"No!" giving a violent shake, "Mine! Mine... you are... mine...? Please... are you mine?"
"Yes," kissing his temple, holding him tighter, "I'm yours, yes I am. You know that Caspian, I'm here, I'm yours."
"Cannot... catch.. breath," sobbing, "Cannot breathe... head hurts... You make it hurt less - it still hurts? I hurt... Mine... Please, please be mine. Just mine."
It was hard to understand him, but Susan just made soothing noises, crooning to him, "Yes I'm yours Caspian, I swear. Just yours, all yours. I promise. Hush Caspian everything's alright."
"You... no...have to...promise, just please be," for all his strangled sobbing, there were few tears, each one wrenched from him, costing Caspian only god knew what. "Almost lost you... You make it hurt less," nuzzling at her chest frantically. "Need you," as he was laying her back.
Susan just nodded, opening herself for him. Terrified little mewlings came from him, when he couldn't get hard, but Susan just pulled him down atop her, "I need to hold you Caspian, please? Just.. lay on me, okay? Just, yes just like that." Stroking him with her legs and hands and mouth, Susan tried to ease him, not knowing what else to do, "Please Caspian, you make me feel safe if you just hold me like this."
Snuffling as he nodded, "Like th-this...?"
"Yes, that's it, just like that," maneuvering him, so that it was more comfortable for her as he lay atop her, his arms shoved under her back and shoulders. Showering him with soft brushes of her mouth, "What do I make hurt less...? Talk to me Caspian, I could really use you taking care of me, you take good care of me."
"I... I-I do...?" broken, "I p-protect you good?"
"Yes, perfectly, I feel much safer with you near," cuddling him.
"Cannot let you go, you make my head hurt less when I am around you," it was whispered, as his laboured gasping slowed.
Shifting Susan was surprised, "Your head hurts?"
"All the time, has for.. a year or more... never noticed how bad until you made it less," dragging his wet cheek over her shoulder.
The rent soul sobs had stopped, but the tears hadn't, Susan could feel them as the continued to leak, "Oh. Well I guess it's nice to know I'm worth more than just a convenient roll in the hay." It was both a weak attempt at lightening the situation, and a request for some reassurance of her own - would this man still be next to her in the morning, or would it all go back to the terrifying creepy man who had dogged her every step the last while.
Fingers, calloused and strong, entwined with hers, dragging Susan's hand up to his mouth, Caspian kissed the back of her hand, "You are far from convienent."
Huffing a bit, "And here I thought you'd grown fond of me."
Caspian moved, yanking her over him, flipping onto his back, hands keeping her face pressed into his neck, "I am fond of you."
"Hmmmand you show that by being all snarly and all that? What is this, grade two where little Timmy Jenkins pulled my pigtails trying to make me cry?" Kissing the thick vein near her mouth, nibbling it softly, "If so I think you're a smart enough man to figure out a better way than throwing me around like a sack of grain to show me that you're 'fond' of me."
His breathing was still rapid, and his pulse was still pounding, "And how... how?"
"You were supposed to laugh, or at least try to," smoothing his cheek. "I'm trying to lighten the mood. I don't... I won't pretend to understand why you're holding me Caspian. I won't ever undertand you, you won't let me. So, I can only do what I'm allowed, and... sometimes I find that changing the subject with you works best." Susan was tired, it took alot out of her to be there for him at times, and times like now when Caspian really needed her, Susan had to shove all her own emotions away. While that seemed natural, it did wear on her, and she'd had the day from hell. Shying away from that, she burrowed deeper into Caspian's strong arms, "I can only help how you let me."
"And how can I help you?" it was soft.
Stiffening in his arms, Susan tried to wriggle away. He didn't let her, and Susan tried not to panic - no one ever asked her that, and while he was probably just asking out of trying to figure out what point of reference was going on, Susan couldn't have him asking that. No, she couldn't.
"Susan?" Caspian's still raw voice was firm, "Stop."
Fingers clenching in the bedding, Susan turned her face away, "Don't... don't act like this Caspian - you only raise my hopes, you only make it hurt worse when I wake up in the morning and you flee, or are already gone, I'm enough of a whore because of you... don't make it worse. That's how you can help me." Refusing to mention that he could help her by telling her that she wasn't crazy, that he did have some sort of feelings other than posession towards her, that it was okay that she was feeling too many things to count, that she was safe and that he wouldn't kill her, that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her like he'd hurt her. But now wasn't the time to say those things - if ever. "Don't make me think that in the morning you'll still be here, still be the Caspian who holds me close and is human around me. Don't - I.. I can't cope with it," shivering.
"I give you my word I shall be here when you wake," Caspian grabbed her chin, tilting her face up, so he could lock gazes with her.
Swallowing, Susan just stared up at him, "You... you swear? This... tonight - it happened? You won't... you won't..."
Lips stroked her forehead, the tables turned, but it was obvious that Caspian still felt exposed as well, "Ask of me and you shall recieve to the best of my abilities."
Releasing a pentup sigh, "You'll be here when I wake up, and you won't hurt me? You won't... be so scary all the time like you've been?"
"I give you my word," it was soft, "and... Susan.. you are not a whore, not my whore, not anyone's whore. You are - you are.. you are mine."
For a moment Susan thought he was going to say something different but she didn't know what. Caspian reached past their tangled bodies, dragging up the blankets once more, and he tucked them up around her and himself, staying wrapped up in her. Falling asleep to his soft touches, Susan didn't count on him being there in the morning, or even seeing this gentle wounded man ever again, but still - it was a comforting thought.
Caspian hadn't left for the patrol. In fact he hadn't really left her side, except for to train, or issues orders. Susan had even managed to drag him to the kitchens, where he'd watched a bemused expression on his face as she made several attempts at cooking. At some point he'd replaced her by the cook fire that time, demonstrating how to make simple honeycakes. And currently the fruits of his labours were resting on a napkin, while he sprawled on their bed.
Susan wasn't pleased - because he wasn't sharing.
"Look I still say you should let me taste that - make sure that you're right, and that you're better at cooking than me."
"Make your own," turning a bit to block her grab.
"I already tried that!" throwing her hands up in the air.
He grunted, "Yes, and they shall make excellent missiles for the catapults."
"Well I made dinner," pouting.
"Which is why I am gorging on dessert," tone very reasonable. "I have eaten many things but your attempt at steak was amusing. It reminded me of home quite a bit."
Flopping next to him, Susan lay her head on his hip, looking up at him, fluttering her eyelashes, "And why did it remind you of home?"
"Because the rations that I received in training were of the same great caliber, for shoes," taking another bite and making a little noise of delight, while glancing down at her.
"Oh! You're terrible!" Rolling over so she didn't have to look at his smug expression, "If we were in Finchley I could cook fit to feed this army and make them all think that they've never had better food!"
"And what drug would you add to it to make it seem so?" another bite, and then his eyes rolled back a bit, "This is definitely one of the best cakes."
"Caspian! You're being a meanie!" crossing her arms over her chest and huffing. "What do I have to do to get a bite of that honeycake?"
One of the thick confections - really just a small ball of dough that had been rolled in honey before being wrapped up and left to bake, then rolled once more - was held before her lips, "You shall have to ask me for something."
Confused, Susan looked up at him, "What?"
"You shall have to ask me to do something to you," mischievous quirk to his lips, the likes of which was cropping up more and more frequently when they were alone. But outside closed doors, he was much the same, just stuck close to her.
Licking her lips, "What kind of something?"
"I want you to ask me to do something to you," smirking, he knew that she was shy on that - he'd ask flat out for whatever he wanted, but the few times he'd asked her (a few days ago had thrown her for a loop, and each day he tried again, probably fascinated by her reaction) Susan had just huddled and clammed up, arousal quickly fleeing.
Sitting up Susan pushed the sweet away, not liking that price, and her playfulness was fleeing. It was easier to pretend that she was maintaining her morals if Caspian was the instigator - other than when he needed her because he was vulnerable - than if she asked for him to do something for her pleasure.
"Susan?"
Closing her eyes, Susan put her face in her hands, taking deep steadying breaths, "I'm fine."
Rustles and Caspian was closer, "I shall stop teasing you, here," the napkin was shoved at her.
Glancing over at him, and seeing his confusion, Susan shook her head, "I'm not hungry."
"Because I teased you? I thought - I thought you wanted me to," holding up the bread up to her mouth, "You must eat. So eat."
"No thanks Caspian, I'm fine honest, I just... I'm not hungry anymore," getting up and going to her desk. Besides she had things to plan, the death of Miraz's supporter had almost all the elements in place - so she had to check over a few last things, and then issue the go ahead. Of course Caspian didn't know that, he thought she was just seeing to the supplies, and he didn't even think to look over her shoulder most times, or check her work - so it wasn't hard to hide that from him. Though, really, really she should go over some of the leather winter clothing supplies, even the furred Narnians would need warmer clothing. It was easy to shove aside the fact that she was wanton, that Caspian did make her want to ask for things.
Trimming a quill, Susan went to check her inkpot - it was gone.
"What..?" frowning, then Susan glanced around, seeing Caspian standing there with the piece of black clay in his hands.
"You never cease your work," it was soft. "What am I to think Susan? You belong to me, yet you leave me as fast as you can. Is that not the same thing you accuse me of?"
She hadn't thought of it that way, "It's not the same."
Caspian sank to his knees, putting his chin on his arms which he rested on her table, "How is it not the same?"
"I have no choice in whether I'm yours," it came out when she hadn't intended. Wincing at the wall that slammed over Caspian's face, Susan reached for him quickly so he couldn't leave, "I didn't have a choice then. And now it's too late for the choice to matter much, because - Caspian I... I am fond of you."
His expression was still guarded, but eased at that, "I still do not see how you putting as much distance between yourself and me is acceptable. And you are not eating again."
"Caspian," exasperated, "I only just now refused something to eat, it's not like I'm not going to eat when I'm hungry!"
"...Do not do that to me again..." it was an order, but Susan knew what he meant - 'please don't scare me again'.
Hating it when he was vulnerable - as well as loving it - Susan slipped from the chair, laying her cheek on his shoulder, "I won't."
Arm coming around her, "You running away is not appropriate," grip tightening.
She still hadn't gotten him to a point where he was comfortable merely requesting things of her, instead of issuing orders. But that may never happen - not while she lived, he just would never be that man. Instead Susan tried to see what he was saying beneath the surface words, what he'd been saying for a very long time. 'I need you', 'I want you', 'you make me the closest thing to happy I've ever been', 'you make me smile', 'don't hurt me', 'don't leave me'. Caspian had requested the things when they were the most important, had let her see that there was meaning behind his words.
Even if he was an infuriating beast.
And even if sometimes when he was over her, Susan had to fight to forget the pain of the first time. The fear, the anger, the hate, the sense of betrayal, the agony of torn muscles, the absolute shame. He would always be that man, capable of such things, that would never go away, and it frightened her that she was so attached to him, that his pain meant so much to her. Shivering, Susan cuddled into the very man who had hurt her, begging him to make it okay. Just like he did with her. Caspian didn't ever seem to know what it was about when she acted like this, but he managed to deal with it each time the last while, holding her tight to him.
He'd intimated that he thought it was over Nikabrik - and part of it was. But Susan's sudden shifts of mood around him were for many reasons, with the terror that he would kill her or hurt her being the root of it all. Susan had no idea how to tell him that, especially not in his obviously fragile state. The nightmares had come several times, and each time it was the almost animal panic that the only soft thing in his world would be taken away. In the end it didn't even really have much to do with Susan, that much she was sure of.
"Will you eat something now?"
"Still not really hungry," clinging to him.
"Not even for my honeycakes? They are quite good," it sounded a bit shy, a bit hopeful.
Pulling his face to hers, Susan parted her lips, kissing him, tasting honey and flour on his mouth, on his tongue that rapidly swept into her wet cavern. Moments passed and everything else but the sweetness in his mouth disappeared.
Licking her lips when she disengaged, the seriousness of earlier tucked away once more, "You're right - they are quite good."
Confusion made Caspian frown, "Pardon?"
"The honeycake I just had a bite of was quite good," touching his lips.
"I am no honeycake," still confused.
"To me you are," kissing him again. And sometimes he really was.
Susan was with Morningdew, Hopacheep and Glyrrill, her three assistants in the running of the network.
"So, this," glancing over the missive, "is a good forgery of Miraz's handwriting?"
Hopacheep nodded, "Yes, Nyrila, one of the satyrs, made it from copying one of the Usurper's letters."
Nodding, checking it for content, "Good. Good... Morningdew, is everything else in place?"
"Glyrrill?" Morningdew gestured to the gryphon.
"Your Highness, I can drop a dwarf off to do this deed in two night's travel," resting on her great golden haunches, wings folded about her.
Frowning, "Is there no way to go faster? How about a relay?"
"That would be risky," twitching her tufted ears - a gryphon version of a head shake. "We do not wish to be spotted, and we are such large things, that we cannot go high enough to fool the human eye. Not while carrying a passenger who's lungs are not used to heights, or have the ability to stay warm so high up."
Susan rubbed her chin with her index finger - a habit she'd picked up from Caspian, "Time is of the essence. Dammit all." Glancing at Morningdew, "How many gryphons do we have in on this?" making a decision she didn't like.
"Several," her tone urging caution.
But now wasn't a time for caution. It was time to be bold and decisive.
"What of the Horses? Have the Herds moved into position?"
"Of course," Hopacheep piped up.
Chewing her lip, "Fine, Glyrrill, by night you and your wing with fly our agents. By day, the Horses will transport them. This must happen," tapping her palm with the missive. "I want each to carry a copy of this, and what of the replicas of Miraz's knife?"
"Those are done as well."
"Good, good. Fine - do it. Make the last preparations ready, and I want news of Lord Sopesbian as fast as it can be carried. Do this fast, do this safe, and do notget caught. This mission will test our capabilities, yet it must be done. Caspian needs time," becoming intense and impassioned. "The army needs time, and it must be bought. Even the Telmarine people need time. Morningdew -" coming to another snap decision, "I want to know what the poorest villages stores look like."
A flicker of alarm went over the centaur's face but was gone just as fast as it had come, "Of course Your Highness."
"I will not have Caspian's people starving if it can be helped, any of them. I want whispers started amongst the people, I want Sopesbian dead, and I want the time to strike to be set up for Caspian." Nodding, "We do this, we pull this off, and things will be lined up for the spring campaign. And we will have bought winter to lick our wounds, to prepare further. With so many fronts, we are spread too thin, the men need time to recover, and while our fortifications at the How are strong, they could be stronger. Plus, I want delaying trenchlines as a backup spread out along the patrol fronts over the course of the winter. Emergency storehouses, fallbacks, and I want them hidden. Caspian will be told of them if they become necessary. Otherwise they'll serve as caches to hand out to the beleaguered after the war. I want this done with. And I want it done yesterday."
Susan wasn't sure where that came from, but she'd studied Caspian's movements of troops extensively, and she was also quite aware of the fact that an army ran on it's stomach, followed by it's clothes, then happiness, and then their weapons. Every strength should be utilzied and exploited to the utmost, squeezing every last drop of usefulness from each thing. Little did she know how much she resembled Caspian when whipping the troops into a furor, or that the months of going over endless reports, asking a constant multitude of questions about everything and anything that she was being prepared.
The Narnians saw it though.
In an amazingly bright mood, Susan was practically skipping through the How, smiling dazzlingly at everyone. Tucking a curl behind her ear, Susan even stopped and patteda Leopard. Much to the Creature's chagrin, it stared purring deeply like a kitten, and rolled onto it's back offering up it's belly for a rub. The generally dignified Beast was reduced to a puddle of goo that licked her hand a few times when she stopped. Many of the Narnians who witnessed this couldn't help the laughter that was held in until after Susan left. It was rare to see her in such a good mood, and the Narnians indulged her every whim most days, were even happier to do so this day.
Susan did a little twirl, skirts belling out, then grabbed them and hopped forward two jumps, then back one. Grinning Susan, knew that she had done something good. Something useful - really useful today. Sopesbian would be out of the picture (she didn't want to think of him as 'dead' because as much as he probably deserved it, again he was still a person and that distressed her) and then Mriaz's hands would be tied! At least a bit. And then wonder of wonders, the campaign season would be over, and hopefully no more enemy action would be forthcoming until at least spring.
Seeing Caspian talking with Glenstorm very serious looks on their faces (couldn't the men ever try to lighten up?) as they were discussing something probably vastly important and manly. Either that or maybe they were talking about bellybutton lint? Susan didn't care, she just wanted to see someone smile on this wonderful day. Veritably bouncing to them, Susan hooked her arm in Caspian's, and he gave her a startled look.
Beaming up at him, "Hello honeycakes, how was your day?"
"Excuse me?" absolutely perturbed, Caspian's face blanched comically.
"How was your day honeycakes?" repeating the question, voice carrying.
Gingerly Caspian tried to extract himself from her grip, "My name is not 'honeycakes'." Frowning, he started to pry at her fingers, "Look here woman -"
"Susan, honeycakes, it's Susan," leaning up and smooching him on the cheek.
Irritated, Caspian flinched away, eyes darting from side to side to see who was within hearing range probably, "Susan, let go of my arm. And do not call me 'honeycakes'. My name is 'Caspian' dammit."
Laughing at him, Susan nodded, blowing him a kiss, "Yes honeycakes!" Catching sight of Glenstorm who was only raising an eyebrow at the scene, the most overt sign the centaur would give of amusement, Susan punched it up a bit more, "Now honeycakes try to smile more, you look like you've eaten a lemon."
There was gruff rapidly muted laughter behind them from their audience, but Caspian wasn't amused, "Susan, cease and desist this at once. Do you not have something more... pressing to do than vex me?"
Pouting at him, "Well of course not, I'm just a silly girl. I don't have anything I'm supposed to do other than take care of you."
"Susan, now is not the time for this discussion," hissing, "later is more appropriate if at all. Just - go do something!"
"Anything?"
"Yes, yes, anything, just - go," face flushing beetred.
"Okay! I'll see you soon honeycakes," and flounced off very pleased with herself.
Susan was eyeing the Horse warily, "So, Luis, you're willing to teach me how to ride properly?"
"Yes, Your Highness, it would be my pleasure," bowing his beautifully arched chocolatey palomino neck. His mane was the colour of snow, and he was simply lovely.
Morningdew was standing beside her, "If you wish to learn to shoot while ahorse, you should only learn from the finest when it comes to equine skills in the first place."
The Horse was petite for a Horse, but he was gorgeous (as they all were), but in a way built more for speed and agility rather than strength. Wearing a dress that Rosetta and she had altered so it would suit for riding astride comfortably, rather than how most dresses were made - only for a side-saddle, Susan continued to chew her lip in apprehension. Caspian's single lesson atop Destrier hadn't ended well the one time he'd tried, and Susan was sure it had more to do with her clothing than anything else.
"Um, but don't I need a sadle? Won't I fall off?"
Luis looked briefly offended then dipped his head once more, "I would never let you fall m'Lady."
"But what if there's a battle? That's alot to keep track of," really hoping to not irritate the proud Horse.
The two Narnians glanced at eachother, and Morningdew sighed, "Your Highness, you will not participate in battle."
Snorting, "Like hell I won't - if there's a call to arms, I'm going."
"No, you are not," Morningdew's voice was firm.
"Caspian can go, but I can't? Why because I'm a girl? Morningdew that's drivil and you know it," snapping, smacking her thigh in irritation. "I may not know swordsmanship, but I am a damn good archer. Damn good. And I say that with as much modesty as I can muster."
"Both you and Caspian can't be risked at the same time," shaking her head, arms crossed. "And as he's the one suited to leading during battle of any sort, the one who has the training for it - you won't ever be going out in the field."
"What if there's no choice? Skirmishes and battles happen wherever they happen, they won't be stopped simply because little Susie Pevensie has to quit the field because she doesn't belong on it!"
"Su," Morningdew sidled back and forth, her agitation showing, "you are to be kept safe for many reasons. Not the least of which is that you know more about various... things... than most of us. And other than Caspian, no one in the upper echelons of command go out to fight. Ever. A general's place -"
"I'm no general Morningdew! I'm just a posession who happens to have a brain! I'm not a general, nor will I ever be," disgusted with all this. Pursing her lips, "Fine. Fine - you know what? This was a bad idea. I think I'll just go back to being useless. Less arguments that way, less stress."
Storming off, uncaring that she'd have to walk a solid half hour to get back to her room, and that technically Morningdew was her ride back. She'd rather walk right now. When she was part way back, there was the beat of hooves behind her. Sighing she turned around, trying to keep her expression neutral, she just wanted to be active physically sometimes, and while the air was chilly and crisp - Susan felt the need to revel in it while she still could. Winters were supposed to be harsh, and going outside the How would be difficult. That is if Caspian even let her, he was dreadfully paranoid since... the incident in the Table room.
A sharp cry from overhead was a reminder of that, a gryphon and several large Birds guarding her, ready to make hue and cry.
"Your Highness," Luis kicked a tiny bit of dirt daintily as he came to a graceful halt, "please, allow me to carry you back."
Fidgeting, Susan shook her head, "I'm afraid I'm a graceless rider, and would require assistance mounting. Not only that, but I wish to think. Alone."
Ears swiveling about, "Your Highness, I shall be your steed whenever you call. For whatever reason. Your constant companion outside of the How, a guard and a friend, if it is your wish."
Blinking rapidly Susan tried to figure out what Luis meant. Did he mean what she thought? "Even into battle?"
"Wherever you command me Your Highness, I am but your humble servant," bowing low, forelegs dipping. "I shall even where a saddle if it comforts you Princess."
Shocked, Susan was touched by the heartfelt offer, "Good Horse, please, you flatter and grace me with kindness."
Shaking his head, so his forelock flipped, "It is only the right thing to be done. Narnian royalty must have the best steed."
"I'm not royalty Luis, I know everyone calls me 'Your Highness' and 'Princess' but I'm not, I'm just Susan Pevensie, in a land I don't understand," smoothing her skirts, because she itched to touch him. Susan had loved touching Morningdew's equine half, and Luis was so beautiful all she wanted to do was rub him down the way she'd watched Caspian do with Destrier many times.
As though he sensed her desire, he took a few steps closer, bumping her hip with his nose, "If that is your wish Your Highness, then I shall call you thus. Lady Susan Pevensie, I am yours to command at all times."
Shivering, Susan made a tiny sound of joy at how velvety his nose felt as she stroked it softly, "Just Susan will do, or Su. But, tell me, Sir Luis -"
"Just Luis," and then he visibly struggled, "Susan."
Smiling, "As you say Luis, tell me why is it that Caspian does not have such a splendid companion for himself?"
"The Herds do not trust him," it was hesitant.
"Why?" fingers traveling over his head, scratching lightly, then more firmly as he leaned into the attention.
"Because he is Telmarine through and through, despite the blood he bears in his veins, but he has been proving himself slowly to us," Susan couldn't stop herself, he was so warm and horsey smelling, she stepped up even closer, so his head hung over her shoulder, hugging him and scratching at the root of his mane. "Oh thank you Susan, that is very nice. Are you sure you do not know how to ride? For you know a Horses needs quite well," happy little wuffles.
Feeling far calmer and more at ease since Morningdew had told her that there was no way she'd be allowed to fight - not that she wanted to, but Susan refused to stay tucked away if a fight came, while everyone else was out fighting. She'd do her part and no one would stop her. It was the right thing to do, and it was the responsible thing. So - it would be done. Even if she had to go out with a broom to hit people with.
Taking deep breaths of Luis' scent, "But everyone thinks I'm Telmarine."
"Only those with no eyes to see, no Telmarine is as kind as you, they are an evil people," it came out very sure.
"That's not true, what of the people? The peasants? They're people, just under the rule of a harsh set of Lords that set the laws," closing her eyes, arms wrapping more tightly about the neck thick with muscles. "That doesn't make them evil, just their overseers. Do not blame the son for the father, do not blame the Lord for the soldier, and do not blame the people for the king."
"Do you know what they do for sport Your Highness?" the Horse forgot momentarily.
Wincing, Susan buried her face in his neck, "Yes, yes I do. But it's ignorance Luis, it has to be. A whole people can't be bad. They can't."
"And this is why you are Narnian Susan, this is why the Herds have come down from our valleys, some of us at least," the round part of his jaw rubbing the back of Susan's shoulder.
"I don't understand," shaking her head, squeezing tighter. There was much she didn't understand, and why she loved these people, this place so much, and why the seemed to care for her in turn, was a large part of it. It was unnatural, yet it felt like the most natural thing of all.
"There are whispers, they have traveled through the ranks swiftly, a Daughter of Eve, a daughter of no land, of no place, has come," Luis pulled away, and started walking beside her, Susan leaving a hand on his shoulder. "Thirteen hundred years ago the White Witch enslaved us, laying thick blankets of eternal winter upon us. And thirteen hundred years ago, two Sons of Adam, two Daughters of Eve came. Krispen the Mighty, Lucitania the Swift, Myrozo the Clever and Nylasimina the Kind - with the help of Aslan they destroyed the White Witch. Kirspen the Mighty became High King, and sired the line of which Caspian comes from."
"And what of the others?"
"The children of the other King and Queens married into other countries, leaving the land open to their native people's.. natures. But, you are a Daughter of Eve, so - many think that it is a sign. It gives them hope and faith," tossing his head, swishing his tail. "And at the least an infusion of a new Daughter to the old High King's line would be a good thing indeed for the line."
Susan wasn't sure if Luis was one of those who believed it or not, she didn't know him well enough to tell, "Faith is definitely a strong motivator when greatly outnumbered." Dried grass crunched beneath her feet as they neared the entrance to the How, "But I don't put stock in such things, despite the comfort they bring. I am but a girl Luis."
"Just as Caspian is just a man?" large blue eye blinking at her.
"He is just a man, one with difficult training, one with no more right to rule than anyone else," coming to a stop. "Wars are brought about because people crave power, and fear its loss. Power is inside here," tapping her head, "and here," her chest, "not in some chair or crown. It is in what's right, wrong, and what's efficient in the long run."
"Then why do you wish to fight? Why do you lead?" he looked confused.
"Because when war comes, someone has to try and make sure that there's something left afterwards other than ruin," shrugging, "And I'm not a leader Luis. I'm not royalty, I'm not anything but a girl in a strange place who's just trying to ignore the fact that this isn't home. So I distract myself by helping where I can, how I can; I never could stand staying idle. Besides," smiling at him, "I love the Narnians, those I do know and those I don't. And those that bear the name 'Telmarine' are just Narnians who're lost, so of course I'll do my best to be useful to everyone. It's only right."
Leaving behind a very thoughtful Horse, Susan went into the How, looking for someone who was 'just a man'.
Though she'd never believe he was something so simple.