Chapter 10: Reye Ruins Everything Through Sexual Intercourse

Note/Warning: This chapter has got a sex scene. There is absolutely no graphic imagery or actual intercourse, but it is still a sex scene, somehow.

The creepers had made Reye a celebratory feast. His Retarded Veganism was once again forgotten as he ate a horrifying amount. Part of him was just hungry, but another part remembered the creepers' desecration of his old house, and it was determined to bankrupt them by eating as much as possible.

The creepers also wanted to spite Reye, since he had abandoned them for no reason. His meal was made of rotten flesh, donated by the city's many zombie amputees, injured in the line of duty. The zombies later reported "The arms were useless anyway, uh. It did my, uh, decomposed heart good to see him, uh, suffer greatly."

As a result, Reye kept getting hungrier as he ate. And he also kept throwing up. The diseases he had accumulated from the forest spring were probably also a factor. Regardless, he kept eating, even though he was in horrible agony from the food poisoning.

Reye finally said to Aura, "Aura, let's go have se-". His sentence was interrupted by more vomiting, most of which landed on Aura's dress.

REYE'S NEW SHITTY HOUSE

After copious apologies and a lot of mopping, they were off. Unfortunately for Reye, bad sex scenes were only allowed after dark, and the sun was still triumphantly above the horizon. Reye tried showing the sun who's boss by shooting arrows at it, but only succeeded in killing one of the feral western cows. Reye ran inside, seeing Aura on the couch.

"If we turn off all the lights, we can pretend like it's night." said Aura. Her voice was probably supposed to have a seductive twang to it, but it instead sounded like she was gargling rocks. She was in her extremely revealing dress again.

"Reye, I'm very happy. I'm extremely happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this happy. I mean, I'm just so happy! It's great to be happy. You should be as happy as I am, because I'm happy. Anyway, so it's almost been a month since we met each other! You're totally fine with having a kid, right?"

Reye replied, "Of course! We've known each other long enough."

DISCLAIMER: Aura's age is never given. If she is below the age of consent, please do not emulate Reye's behaviour in this scene. Actually, don't emulate Reye's behaviour ever.

Reye took off his clothes, which was easy, since he was only wearing the little fabric square. The bits it had been tied to began to lose their blue tinge.

They both slipped under the covers. Unfortunately, the author doesn't really know what sex is, so it's been replaced by Minecraft sex. Baby mobs can only spawn on uterus blocks, and five minutes later, Aura was inexplicably pregnant.

In the great scheme of things, someone forgot to carry the one. Or maybe the author is retarded. Regardless, Aura gave birth to a completely healthy baby boy... three months later. In a different universe, this would be called a miscarriage, and the baby wouldn't really exist yet, and it would be a source of sadness for all. Luckily, Minecraft is the best excuse to suspend all basic laws of biology.

Reye and Aura stared at the baby. It cried, but its heart wasn't really in it.

"Let's name him... ... Let's name him Skye!"

"That's a great idea!" said Reye. "I was going to name him after a line that is only bounded on one end, but then I realized that was already taken."

"I was going to name him after an intangible radiation surrounding an object that's used in generic fantasy novels, but that was already taken, too."

"And then I was going to name him 'Reyeaura', but that was stupid."

"Dammit, why is my name always last?"

"Because you're a boring character!"

Suddenly, a door slammed open, and Rick appeared at the door.

"HOLY FUCK! RICK!" screamed Reye, as him and Aura tried to hide behind each other, rotating with nervousness.

"Ahahaha! You thought I was dead after you cut off my head and the creepers burned my corpse! LUCKILY, I RESPAWNED, AND KNEW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND YOU!"

THE SWAMP

The swamp man looked through his diary.

Minemonth 158, day 16: told crazy man where to find those two vegan idiots. hope he kills them or something. holy shit, they're annoying. on an unrelated note, I've begun to stockpile sticky pistons.
Minemonth 158, day 17: added dispenser trap #496 to the catacombs. removed griefer-looking corpse from Entrance 6D. collected six hundred bones and arrows from skeleton dungeon trap.

The swamp man closed it again as a redstone torch lit, sounding a buzzer. The pitch of the buzzer denoted a neutralized intruder in Corridor 35. He sighed. It was a hard life, automating everything in his kilometers of tunnels.

REYE'S CASTLE

"How did you know where we were?" said Reye.

"It's simple! I just know everything." said Rick.

At that moment, Skye waddled out from his bedroom. Aura took advantage of this moment to run into the kitchen, where she fetched the biggest knife she could find.

"I MADE A POOPY, DADDY!" he wailed.

"AAARGH YOU ANNOYING TINY FUCKER" screamed Reye.

"Fucker! Fucker!" repeated Skye.

"Heh heh heh." said Rick. "Since you seem to have distanced yourself from the creepers and I have already lost a duel to you, I've decided to try to kill you again. And your family, because I'm evil now. And I wouldn't say no to killing any distant relations, while I'm at it. Oh, and as a side note, the reason you haven't seen any creepers lately is because I killed them all."

"How? It's hard enough to kill one creeper at short range! There's no way in hell one dubiously armed man could kill thousands of them!" said Reye.

"Um, er, that's because I got this magic sword from a traveling merchant. He kept winking at me whenever he said 'magic sword', and told me to smuggle it across the border. I think he was gay." replied Rick, as his pants fell down from lack of plot tension.

The truth was that the sword was molded from solid LSD, and Rick had simply been fooled by thousands of unmoving cardboard creeper cut-outs like the blind idiot he was. The tip of his sword crumbled as he spoke.

"NOW WE WILL FIGHT, AND I WILL WIN BECAUSE THAT IS THE PRECEDENT WE HAVE PREVIOUSLY SET!" screamed Rick.

Rick suddenly ran behind Reye as he worked out what "precedent" meant. He thrust the sword at his heart-

The cocaine sword crumbled to druggy dust, as Rick (not expecting the sudden lack of sword) tripped on Skye and hit his head on the hard cobblestone wall. He moaned a bit before finishing his fall, cracking his jaw on the equally hard smoothstone floor.

Aura ran into the room screaming "AAAARRGH YOU KILLED REYE BUT I WILL AVENGE HIM!", haphazardly waving the knife.

"Oh! Reye, you weren't killed instantly! And Rick... is on the floor... moaning... with his pants off... REYE, ARE YOU SECRETLY RICK'S GAY LOVER?"

"Nonononono! No homo! I think he has a concussion!"

"Reye, people never die from concussions in fictional works. You were having gay sex, weren't you!"

Rick's brain, floating in a pool of its own blood, stopped working. Although this wouldn't have made a difference compared to his typical behaviour, it did have the side effect of killing him. Luckily, before he died, he got to hear Aura say "-and then the tube, they put a HAMSTER in the tube, and-".

After ten minutes of Aura going over all the horrible things she had heard that gay people did, Reye decided to check for Rick's pulse to relieve the boredom. It wasn't there.

"Aura, he died. It was the wall."

"NO, IT WAS YOUR UNGODLY LUST!"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was the wall. Let's go throw his dead body in a pit so that it'll stop staring at me - AH FUCK I THINK THE EYEBALL MOVED"

Rick's now-decomposing intestines emitted a short gurgle.

Reye and Aura both screamed while peeing themselves until they calmed down half an hour later.

ONE DAY LATER

"I think it's a nice grave. Although we should have blessed it with holy water to prevent vengeful spirit activity."

"Aura, ghosts don't exist. Duh. Minecraft doesn't even HAVE any vengeful spi-"

"There are Ghasts, they look pretty dead. And vengeful."

"Noooo, you can't mention things I haven't experienced yet!"

"Sex."

"I just told you-"

While they argued, Asshole dug. This was the most wonderful thing to happen to him since he ate Reye's spooncake. He gnawed off one of Rick's limp arms, then trotted off to put it under Reye's covers.

THAT NIGHT

Reye walked into the shitty bedroom, blissfully unaware of the horror that was soon to unfold. "Aura, can you make the bed toni-"

After an hour, Aura walked in to find Reye unconscious on top of one of Rick's arms, bloody and limp.

"I KNEW IT, YOU SINFUL PERVERT!"

THE NEXT MORNING

Skye could repeat some sounds in a vague language-like manner, and he could also toddle forwards if he really tried. Reye decided that this indicated the intelligence and ability for Skye to fish and hunt. They walked outside, with a determined expression on Reye's face. In his hand was a fishing rod and a stick with string tied around it.

"Fucker! Daddy!" squealed Skye, as spit dribbled down his sticky face. He repeated these two words all the way to the nearby lake.

Reye baited the hook and cast his line. Skye tried to eat his string, but soon learned how to hold the end of the string and swing around the stick.

Glimmering shadows of fish passed silently below the surface, ignoring Reye's hook. Skye, meanwhile, had killed at least five fish by hitting them with the stick, and was currently battering a hapless squid to death.

"Fucker! Squid!" giggled Skye, as the squid realized that Skye would never stop hitting it until it stopped moving, and promptly died. "Silence your inexpert speaking!" said Reye. "You're scaring away the fish!"

UNDERWATER

"What a noob. Let's stick this rock on his hook." said a blue minnow.

"All right." replied a sizable salmon.

A small group of fish immediately started lifting a rock with a hookable porous surface. It was soon entangled hopelessly in the twine and hook, so the fish let go and let physics do the rest.

LAKESHORE

"Ha! I knew it! Skye, learn from the master of fishing. I've got a bite!" said Reye.

Skye was busy bludgeoning his fifteenth fish to death with a rock, and didn't notice until it was too late.

"Yes! Now to start reeling it iiaaaAAAAAHHHSPLUNK" said Reye, as he was interrupted by the boulder dragging him down to the lake bottom and the subsequent amount of water. He would have let go of the rod, but real winners never give up!

Under Reye was a boulder, some suspiciously happy fish, and a cave. He had no choice, but decided to go in the cave anyway. The boulder sank deeper and deeper...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Long chapter. And some sex jokes. I tried to make them at least slightly tasteful, though. Rick was even more fun to write as a moustache-twirlingly evil villain, and I'm trying to turn Skye into a sorta-competent sidekick instead of the incredibly boring filler-baby he is in the original. Also, underwater adventures! No, it is never explained how Reye breathed through his (completely submerged) underwater adventure in the original. In this one, well… er, you'll just have to wait for Chapter 11, won't you… or click the "next" button if you're reading this after I updated everything…