Chapter Eleven
Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey
"Huh," said Bowser, who was still trying to absorb and react to the impact of Ness' story. "You have quite a rare power indeed, Zelda. Thanks to your ability, it appears we… we now have the missing piece to our puzzle."
He poured himself another drink, and asked around the table if anyone else was thirsty. Recently added party member Rosalina had a sip of her sangria. Zelda and Peach took a beer each, but Sheik and Ness both went with one less.
"A missing piece," Zelda corrected him. "All we've discovered is how our memories are erased. There's still so much we haven't made progress on. The identity of our oppressors, for instance, and why they feel the need to keep us in the dark."
"There isn't much time to explain all we know to you, Melville," Bowser admitted, "but just in case we lose our memories in the near future…"
"Which is a very likely scenario, by the way," added Peach.
"Yes… in case that happens, maybe you'll be the only one who remembers. Or maybe you won't. I'm not sure how many times the rest of us have had this or any similar conversations, but as far as this iteration of my memory is concerned, this is the furthest we've ever gotten. I can't allow you to hear any more of our Order's secrets until you swear the Oath."
"We really don't have time for this," Sheik piped in, a little annoyed.
But Bowser shook his head. "Tradition is tradition. Zelda and Peach, be dears and fetch Link, Diddy, Luigi, and Mario. There might be more to learn from their memories, and we need to make plans ASAP."
"I'll take care of the plumbers," Zelda piped in, saving Peach from an awkward reunion with Mario. "Link should be either just finishing his training or sleeping in his quarters."
Peach nodded her thanks. "I think Mario was set to finish his session with the Wii Fit Trainer around this time, and Luigi ought to be with Falco in his office. If not, he's likely playing billiards to let off some steam."
And I haven't even had a chance to pack my stuff, Peach groaned on the inside. Shush! You worry about your ex later, princess. There's fate-of-the-world stuff going on right now.
Both women split up from the others, leaving a dead silence hanging in the air.
"Um… about this Order thing… are there any membership fees?" Melville asked.
"No. But you do get this cool pin and a sticker. Not to mention there's coupons in our mailing list."
"Sweet! Free swag!"
Bowser cleared his throat and motioned to Rosalina. "Excuse me, Mother of Lumas. Would you do the honor of initiating the Male Villager to our little club?"
Rosalina nodded and perked up. "If it please the Order."
The tall woman stood across from the Male Villager. One of the Lumas, Steve, put a paper bag over Melville's head. Another Luma pulled down the Villager's shorts and held a live taser up to the man's testicles.
"Now, Male Villager, also known as Melville, I'm going to need you to pledge that you will never betray The Truth-Seekers," Rosalina said.
"I will never betray The Truth-Seekers."
"Really now? Do you swear it?"
"I swear it!"
Rosalina's sweet voice was full of authority. "Who do you swear it by?"
"I swear it on my life, and the lives of my pet fish, Zooey, Emma, and Natalie. I also swear by the moon and the stars and the sky, and to Gautama Buddha, to Optimus Prime, to the Lord of Light, to Hironobu Sakaguchi, to Chuck Norris, to Sarah Palin, to Gilgamesh, to that talented motherfucker Mos Def, to Madoka Kaname, and to Haruhi Suzumiya. Praise the Sun!"
Bowser pulled off the paper bag. "Damn. I really can't say 'no' to your evocation of Mos Def. All right, kid. Now, feast your eyes on this big block of text."
"What text?"
It was the group pic, with the Koopalings. Realizing his mistake, Bowser flipped to the next page and left the scrapbook in Melville's hands. A lengthy handwritten note greeted him.
"To whom it may concern: My name is Donkey Kong, and this is my life's work. My colleague Bowser and I have been compiling pieces of evidence suggesting that we are (A) all of multiple (possibly artificial) worlds or realities, sloppily united in this one, and (B) linked to the fate of a theorized 'human' world. Please see Exhibits A-J of our investigations, located in the back of this album. These are for the most part loose remnants, little snatches of information gleaned from this library and the highly censored Web access that we're allowed. They are arranged as follows:"
(A) "Pictures of humans wearing "Mario" hats, women dressed up as Samus, Peach, and Zelda, and assorted merchandise. T-shirts. Mugs. Cheap toys that come with cheap meals. Plastic miniature figurine trophies."
(B) "Video clips and images of children playing video game systems at home, with items much resembling the controllers and peripherals on display in the Smashgrounds Castle Halls and Smash City Museums."
(C) "Blurry photographs of what looks like a primitive television program: the 'Super Mario Brothers Super Show'..."
(D) "References to a company called 'Nintendo' abound in photographs taken at various sporting events throughout the years. This name is often omitted or missing in online sources… a screencap of a GameFAQs page has a 'Nintendo' section without any content…"
"It appears that the quality of our virtual representations has been improving with each successive Nintendo-constructed event… how are these universes connected? How are our souls shared between them, if at all? The answers to these questions remain elusive, and more pertinent than ever."
Peach hesitated before knocking a second time. Diddy Kong motioned for her to go ahead. Link was infamously a heavy sleeper, but she didn't want to be rude.
"Um... Link?"
She creaked open the door to see him sprawled out on the bed, clad in his boxers, dreaming soundly of things other than Marth. Diddy, who'd burst out laughing at the sight, hid in the hallway.
"Link-kun?" Peach repeated, a little louder.
"Mmmmmnnnn... Zelda... lick me... you're so bad, princess. So delicious."
"Link!" Peach cried, now with her hands over her ears. "Wake up!"
"Nuh-uh," Link mumbled while sliding his hand down his boxer-briefs, more than half asleep. "You gotta make Link Junior happy first."
"I'm not Zelda! This is an emergency!"
"You has a nice voice, dream lady. Fuck 'mergencies. My day off. Want sucky sucky."
"Don't you recognize me?"
"...No."
Finally, Peach rolled her eyes and tossed a turnip at Link's butt. It bounced off his bottom, flipped in the air, and bopped him in the noggin.
"Ow! What was that for?"
He then turned, blinked, and regarded the woman at last with his eyes.
"Ahh! Peach!" he yelled, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "Farore, Din, and Nayru! H-how long have you been standing there?"
Peach snapped her fingers and turned away, since her cheeks had turned blood-red. "Th-that really doesn't matter at this point! It's hustle time, Hylian boy!"
Zelda walked up to Luigi's office only to see the plumber talking one on one with his brother.
"You don't a-know when enough is enough, do you?" Mario pouted. "Keeping me dry is-a one thing, but putting me in a room with-a that creepy-ass fit-a-ness freak-"
"Oh, so it's my fault that this happened? You're gonna blame me for your dumb actions?"
"She was a-torturing me. I'm a-not modeled to stretch like that!"
"That doesn't mean you have the right to lock her in the closet and drink all her medical alcohol! That shit's not for human fucking consumption!"
"As-a if we are human," Mario countered. "And as-a if we need medical alcohol when-a we heal instantaneously."
"You don't just go locking people in closets!"
"AHEM!" Zelda announced as she scooted up to the door. The brothers turned to her. "Sorry to bother you, but there's some stuff going down that you might want to be a part of."
The Male Villager skipped around the album a bit to process all the mind-blowing information. A concluding note greeted him at the end of the scrapbook.
"As has been demonstrated, these pieces of pop culture and 'leaks' from the theorized parallel 'human' world strongly suggest that our existences go beyond this limited realm. There are gaping holes in our experiences, as we are kept shut up in this city and discouraged from asking questions. The so-called 'Ominous Voices' want to keep us in the dark, forever. I intend to change that. It is my belief that this is done because they are afraid of our true potential. At the moment, the truth of our worlds and the connections between them are murky at best. The only conclusion I can surmise with the current information is that the Ominous Voices are representatives of the company 'Nintendo' (see Exhibit F), made up of human beings who have kidnapped us from our worlds, and are engaged in the business of tormenting our souls to their monetary benefit. This is clearly a cruel and unusual form of dominance, yet sadistic as it is, if this theory is true, our suffering is directly relevant to the company's profit margins. Which is why I will go as far as I can, fly as high as possible, and pierce the heavens if I must, until I've seen all that can be seen, and hopefully gain an audience with our oppressors. There must be a solution to this violence. And I implore you all to join me." – Donkey Roderick Kong
Melville closed the book and turned to Bowser. "Wow."
The Koopa King, who was now hosting a slide show of blurry telescopic images showcasing a rather freaky-looking moon orbiting the planet, skipped ahead to the clearest picture he had.
"Two months ago, that was. DK really believed we could change our future. A day after he wrote that concluding statement… I… I wish I could recall more than a few little things. I know that a good dozen of us hijacked Meta Knight's ship, the Halberd. Some stayed behind to battle the Master and Crazy Hands. DK and I led the charge. Our plan was to fly to the edge of this realm, break on through to the other side, and confront the Voices. I seem to recall that we made it here."
He pointed at the large, freaky-faced moon.
"I felt a strong feeling of déjà vu, there," Bowser continued. "At the moon's sole fortress, however, our journey was halted. We were betrayed. DK sacrificed himself to buy us time, but to no avail. Ness was taken, and our memories were 'modified' to forget the incident. Only, I've been able to keep a few. And they always lead me back to some clue or another."
"Who could have done such a thing?"
Sheik shook her head. "It took more than one of us, I'll tell you that. There could be two traitors, or ten. Now, Melville, everything you've learned here today must come as quite a shock."
"You can say that again."
"Well, here's another shocker for you. None of us have any idea how many times the world has been reset. This could be the tenth, hundredth, or even thousandth iteration."
At that, Rosalina looked to Ness. "Perhaps you have some idea, dear?"
Ness shook his head. "When Zelda and I accessed my memory, there was a lot I remembered, yeah. But it was far from the only source of pain and suffering. There were other times. At least a dozen."
"At least?" Bowser double-checked. "Are you sure?"
"I know what I'm saying," replied Ness, a little crossly.
"I meant no offense. I require exactness," said Bowser. "A scientist cannot formulate a proper hypothesis without relevant information. Now, if you all don't mind, I'd like to put my thinking cap on."
At this, Bowser grabbed a pair of headphones and hit 'Play'. Pink Floyd's "Marooned" began in all its prog-rock glory, and David Gilmour's insane solo proceeded to melt his face off. Eyes intensely closed, the Koopa King played passionate air guitar to his Floyd playlist for a good few minutes.
"What a fossil!" Ness joked.
"I find it rather hot," said Sheik. "There's a bit of a mid-life crisis thing going on here, but it's good to see he's got passion. I bet he has an El Camino side project in the garage, too."
"Spot on, girl, except it's a Bowser Bike he's working on. I, too, am fond of the man's devil-may-care attitude," Peach recalled as she led Link into the vast library.
"Evening, everyone," said Link.
The Hylian's ears perked up at a sudden high-pitched sound. "Hold it! I just heard a familiar riff!"
The company spun around to the glass just in time to witness the Blue Falcon appearing, loading up its disheveled passengers and disappearing into the castle, chased by the Master and Crazy Hands.
"It's happening again," groaned Bowser, pulling out his cell phone and calling the Harbormaster. "They're going to hunt us down and clear our minds."
"We need to act tonight," Zelda insisted, entering the room with Luigi in tow. The Don was pushing a wiped-out Mario in a wheelbarrow. She sidled up to Link and gave him a quick kiss.
"Kamek!" Bowser whispered urgently into his phone as he watched the play-by-play on TV. "Need an urgent favor. Comandeer one of those cargo ships. Prepare to catch some guys about to fall below the Smashgrounds. Look for the blue racer. Quickly, now! Hide them well and call me back. No, this doesn't involve the Hands. Yes, you'll be paid for it. Thank you."
"I'm a-going to need a lot of catching up," Luigi said. "So some-a-one explain the situation to your Don."
Once he was off the phone, the Koopa King stood from his chair. "Sorry, Don. I'll explain more once we're aboard the Halberd. We gotta hustle. We need to get Samus, Meta-Knight, Olimar, Fox, Falco… Pretty much anyone with an aerial vehicle. They should be on their way to the dining hall by now. Someone text Ganon and Little Mac, too."
"But they're perverts!" Sheik exclaimed.
"They're also huge nerds, like me. Plus, Ganon is a whiz with a video camera, and Little Mac's not half bad on the Battlefield. We need to launch ASAP. Let's go!"
The band of merry companions quickly vacated the room and made their way to the parking garage.
"What the hell was that all about?" Link wondered aloud, since his thoughts were going to be read anyway. "For a second there I thought I saw that green-haired woman wrapped around Captain Falcon."
"Ugh, that new girl," said Zelda, a tinge of disgust in her voice. "I thought she was one of those types… from the way she looked at you when she arrived the other day."
"One of what?"
"Nevermind."
"Excuuuuuse me, princess. You're the mind-reader. Let's be fair here."
"Fine. She gave me the vibe of a total slut."
"Jeez laweez. Is sexual promiscuity such a crime?"
"No, but it's unfortunate."
"How so?"
Mario hiccupped as Luigi gained on the duo. "It's-a unfortunate because Zelly gets less attention now."
"Keep those stupid comments in your pocket!" Zelda cried, astonished. She then turned to Link. "And if you think it's so funny, well, mister, you can just go to hell, and that's a promise!"
The princess stormed off, and Link scratched his head. "Thanks, Mario. No sexytime for me tonight."
"If I can't-a get it, why should-a you? Woohoo!"
"Forgive him," Luigi pleaded. "He's in the middle of a bad detox. He knows not what he does."
Link shrugged. "She'll forgive me. She just needs to let off some steam. Here's hoping we get attacked sooner than later. A little excitement always gets her in the mood again."
As the party advanced through the hallways, Pac-Man followed closely behind.
"They're headin' to the hangar," Pac-Man whispered. "Their numbers are increasing by the minute. I say we go for a full-on assault. With the whole team, we can end this, now."
"No…" the Ominous Voice replied, telepathically. "They're rushing when they should be strategizing. If we stop them now, they'll just return at full force. Keep shadowing them. If they are truly dumb enough to mount an attack, we may be able to end this tonight."
End what? Pac-Man thought.
"These rebellious attempts. We can bring peace to the Smashverse at last."
"Wait… you can read my mind?"
"Of course we can, dumbass. And we gave Zelda the same power. Only, we've shielded all our operatives with false thoughts. If she relies too much on the surety of her ability, she'll be blind as to who to trust. It's the only reason she still trusts you and the other Insiders. C'mon, Puck. Use that giant head of yours."
"Yes, sir," he sighed. This whole comeback thing better be worth it.
"Oh, it will be," the Voice assured him. "You'll be on top of the world again."
Yet, no matter how strongly they insisted, or how much evidence they put forth to boost his ego, Pac-Man wouldn't, couldn't, fully allow himself to believe the Voices.
Forgive me if I don't take you all at face value. There's nothing any of us can do against your power.
"Shhh. Just take solace in the fact that we deemed you worthy enough to work as our Inside Man."
Thank you so much for reading! Hopefully I can update within the next week. Have a great holiday weekend!