**This probably isn't what you're expecting…it's not what I expected either. I just tried to imagine Kaito and Saguru in jail together, and then all of a sudden Kaito quoted Hamlet and then they were off on a Shakespeare debate. So I would apologize to anyone who hasn't read Hamlet or Julius Caesar—except that there's no excuse for not having read Hamlet and Julius Caesar! Get off and go read a real book! :) **

Kuroba Kaito and Hakuba Saguru in Jail for a Night:

A Case Study in Madness

11:01:29 pm:

The key turned in the lock.

"Well, this is ironic."

"No," said Kuroba Kaito, peering closely at the bars on the cell door. He rapped one experimentally with his knuckles. "Definitely reinforced steel."

"I said 'ironic,'" snapped Hakuba Saguru, standing behind him with his arms crossed.

"And I said 'reinforced steel,'" Kaito shot back, giving Saguru an exasperated glance over his shoulder. "I'm almost positive."

Saguru stared rather wildly at Kaito. He grinned back.

"What?"

…

11:05:45 pm:

"You can't talk your way out of this one," Saguru tried again, crossing his arms.

"Nope," Kaito said, rubbing his stomach unconcernedly. "They'll let us out with the key. In a few hours, probably, once they straighten everything out and realize that we didn't do anything wrong."

"But we did!" Saguru snapped. "I mean you did! You're the Kaitou Kid!"

"Whaaat?" Kaito said bemusedly, his eyes widening. "You think I'm the Kaitou Kid?"

"Oh, shut up."

…

11:14:12 pm

A rustling sound caused Saguru to glance, with some reservation, at his cell-mate. Kaito had produced three brightly-colored balls from somewhere on his person, and promptly set to juggling them.

"Hey, check this out, Hakuba!" he grinned. "Can you do this?"

"Where'd you get those?" Saguru said, bemused.

"Balls?" Kaito repeated, looking confused as well. "You don't have balls?"

"No," said Saguru.

"No?" Kaito said with affected surprise, staring at Saguru as he continued to juggle. "You don't have balls?" A slow smile spread across his face. "Oh."

"Juggling balls!" Saguru snapped, his face red.

Kaito burst out laughing.

…

11:45:00 pm:

Saguru sat hunched in the corner of the cell, his jacket collar turned up around his cheeks, his elbows on his knees, his chin resting on his folded hands, and his eyes closed.

Kaito stood in the center of the cell, still juggling serenely.

Saguru closed his eyes tighter and squeezed the bridge of his nose with one hand. "There must be a way out of this…"

"Hm?" Kaito looked up. "You say something, Hakuba-kun?"

Saguru dropped his chin on his hands again. "No."

Kaito shrugged. "Okay," he grinned, and continued to juggle.

…

12:57:05 am:

"Would you stop that?"

"What?" Kaito said, his eyes wide.

"Juggling!" Saguru bit out.

"Oh…" Kaito said. "If it was bothering you, you should have said so!"

"Oh, stop acting so sweet and innocent," Saguru snapped. He rose to his feet and gave Kaito a disparaging smirk. "You're not fooling anyone. In fact, it only makes you seem more culpable, because everyone knows what a smartass you really are."

"I'm the smartass!" Kaito repeated, incensed. He crossed his arms—the juggling balls having vanished into his shirtsleeves—and scoffed. "Look who's talking! You're the one who used to go around in a Sherlock Holmes get-up; you're the one who blusters about how you're going to capture the Kid—which we're all still waiting on, by the way—and you say I'm a smartass?" He dropped into an exaggerated fighting position and waved his hands in front of his face. "Nay, an thou'lt mouth, I'll rant as well as thou!"

Saguru paused, surprised. "Did you just quote Hamlet?"

"Yeah, I love Hamlet," Kaito grinned. He straightened and put his hands behind his head. "A young genius feigns madness to investigate his father's untimely death—what a great story! It'd make a great modern-day manga, don't you think?"

"Hm," Saguru rubbed his chin. "I do like Hamlet…but the eponymous character thwarts his own investigation because of his inconsiderate pride, and ends up gravely wounding all his loved ones as well as himself in his search for justice."

Kaito's smile grew wider. "He should have been more decisive, then, and not looked back."

"Or perhaps he should have told Ophelia his plan, so she would have known better than to assist her father in capturing him," Saguru retorted. "Or perhaps informed his friend and rival Laertes of his true intentions, who opposed Hamlet to defend his pride and uphold the state judiciary system."

Kaito crossed his arms, still grinning inscrutably. "Not a bad interpretation. What's your favorite Shakespeare, then?"

"Julius Caesar," Saguru replied promptly.

Kaito snapped to attention and raised his fist. "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" he soliloquized. "Lend me your ears!"

Saguru rolled his eyes. "That's the line everyone knows."

"I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him," Kaito continued, raising his eyebrows at Saguru. "The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with Caesar."

"Ah, okay, okay, very impressive," Saguru said, waving his hand.

"I could go on," Kaito smirked. "It gets better as it goes on."

"Indeed it does," said Saguru. " 'The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious: if it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Caesar answered it. Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest, (for Brutus is an honorable man; so are they all, all honorable men) come I to speak at Caesar's funeral. He was my friend, faithful and just to me: but Brutus says he was ambitious; and Brutus is an honorable man…'"

"Geez, what a manipulative speech," Kaito grinned.

"That's why Julius Caesar is Shakespeare's best play," Saguru said. "Shakespeare takes the time to dwell on the reasons why each of them act as they did, to the point that it's impossible to say who's 'right' and who's 'wrong.'"

"A detective, into moral ambiguity?" Kaito said, amused. "I thought detectives are always the good guys, and lawbreakers always the bad ones."

"It depends on their motivations," said Saguru. "That's why I always ask criminals why they did what they did."

"Hm," Kaito shrugged. "So you gonna ask the Kid why he steals, too?"

"Absolutely," said Saguru.

Kaito smirked and raised his eyebrows. "And what if he has a good reason?"

"'Let him come,'" quoted Saguru. "'It warms the very sickness in my heart, that I shall live and tell him to his teeth, "Thus didest thou."'"

"Hamlet again," Kaito said breezily. "You're quoting Laertes, Act 4, scene 7."

Both boys glanced at each other appraisingly. Then Kaito flashed him a wide smile, which Saguru, to his own great surprise, found himself returning.

…

1:11:40 am:

"See," Saguru snarled, gripping the bridge of his nose once again. He shook his head. "You always do this. Every time. You pretend to be a tolerable human being, and then you go and say something like that."

"Like what? All I said was that Star Wars is better than Star Trek."

"That's it exactly!" Saguru raised his eyes to glare at Kaito. "I don't know how you can say such things."

Kaito grinned. "Star Wars is great! It's the consummate epic."

"It's shallow."

"It's got Jedi! With laser swords! What more do you want?"

"Star Wars," Saguru said, "is technological fetishism crafted to appeal to the masses. Star Trek," he continued, a faraway gleam in his eye as he raised his hand expressively, "is a metaphor for life. It's philosophy in a science-fiction context."

"That's not true!" Kaito exclaimed, so passionately that Saguru jumped. Kaito's voice had changed completely; he was leaning against one wall of the cell, his right hand jammed under his left arm, an expression of agony and horror on his face. "That's impossible!" he cried.

Then quite abruptly he jumped onto the prison bench and extended his hand out to the spot where he had just stood. In a perfect imitation of Darth Vader's voice, he intoned "Search your feelings. You know it to be true!" Then he leaped back down to his original spot and, with Luke Skywalker's voice once again, cried "No! Noooo!"

Saguru sighed. "Episode five: The Empire Strikes Back."

Kaito was back on the bench. "Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."

"Kuroba—"

"It—is—your—destiny—"

…

2:29:07 am

Kaito was still juggling, and Saguru had taken to reciting Sherlock Holmes stories under his breath, at which Kaito had taken initial offense but which he soon began to ignore in favor of a more complex juggling pattern, which had kept the both of them occupied for a reasonable length of time.

At that moment, one of Kaito's balls flew out of his hands and rolled to a stop in front of Saguru.

Saguru watched it glumly, his chin on his arms. Kaito leaped over and scooped it up, then stayed in a crouch, his face awkwardly close to Saguru's.

"You look terrible."

Saguru recoiled as far as the wall would let him. "Cheers."

"Hey, hey." Kaito straightened and grinned down at him. "What's with you? You were feeling pretty touchy-feely just a few hours ago, when you jumped on top of me."

"I was pursuing the Kaitou Kid!" Saguru snapped. "And I caught him!"

"No, you caught me, and then we were both arrested for brawling in public."

"Same difference," Saguru snarled. "You just quick-changed."

Kaito laughed. "You're pretty funny, Hakuba-kun. Particularly when you're trying not to be." He smirked down at Saguru and stretched his arms over his head. "Why don't you get some sleep."

"Ha."

"What? You look really sleepy, Hakuba-kun. Chasing the Kaitou Kid is a real challenge, and it must be harder for some people than others—"

"Kuroba," Saguru said flatly. "Even if you aren't the Kid—which I highly doubt—just the fact that you are you is frightening enough to keep me awake as long as we are forced to share a cell."

Kaito shook his head sadly. "I try to be nice, Hakuba-kun, but you always rebuff me. You've hurt my feelings."

"You've hurt my feelings by thinking I'd be foolish enough to fall asleep."

Kaito cackled. "Eh, I guess you've got a point. I forgive you then." He resumed juggling.

…

3:42:22 am

"Hey, Hakuba."

Saguru looked up. "Yes?"
Even in the semi-darkness of the cell, Kaito's grin was as bright as the Cheshire Cat's.

"I bet you can speak Klingon, can't you?"

Saguru felt heat rise in his cheeks. "I happened to pick up some of the language, yes."

"Wow."

"I didn't study it, per se, I just—"

"Wow."

Saguru fell silent with a scowl.

"I bet you can speak Elvish, too, can't you?"

"'Elvish' isn't a language," Saguru said irritably. "Saying that one can speak 'Elvish' is like saying that one can speak 'Asian.' It's a branch of languages. The main two are Quenya, or High Elvish, and Sindarin, or Common Elvish."

"…Aaaaand you can speak them, can't you?"

"A little bit. I'm more proficient in Sindarin than Quenya."

Kaito whistled. "Wow."

…

5:00:00 am

Saguru stood up. His knees popped loudly and he flinched—but Kaito, sprawled out on the cell bench with his eyes closed, did not move.

Saguru exhaled slowly. Out the one small window, a faint greyish line had appeared over the horizon. It was approximately half an hour until dawn, he estimated.

He turned his gaze back to Kaito and frowned. Kaito's eyes were closed, and his chest rose and fell evenly. But Saguru hesitated a moment longer.

At exactly 5:00 and thirty point five seconds, he took a careful step across the cell, then another. He peered down at Kaito through the semi-darkness, stretched a hand towards him—and then pulled back. He turned away.

"What are you doing, Hakuba-kun?"

Saguru jumped and whipped around. Kaito's eyes were still closed, his hands still behind his head, but now a smile had appeared on his face.

"I was going to search you for tonight's jewel," Saguru said stiffly. "But I realized that, in order to pass the police examination, you must have swallowed it. Which means that at the end of your next digestive cycle you're going to be spending a painful few hours on the john, aren't you?"

Kaito winced and opened one eye. "Why would you say something like that while I'm trying to sleep?"

Saguru shrugged and sat back down in his corner. "It's the only logical explanation."

"How did I get my juggling balls in here, then?"
"They're foam," Saguru said. "I noticed when you let one roll past me before. That means you can squish them—probably small enough to hide between your fingers. Hiding a diamond with a two and a half-centimeter diameter, however, is rather more difficult. I've been watching you ever since the heist, and the only way you could have hidden it is if you swallowed it."

Kaito scowled. "Or I just didn't have the diamond to begin with, idiot."

"That is not a logical explanation."

"You and your logical explanations."

Saguru closed his eyes and did not respond.

Kaito glared at him a moment longer, then sighed and grimaced at the ceiling.

…

5:41:21 am

Kaito leaped lightly off the bench and landed in a noiseless crouch. The cell was still dark, but a faint pinkish light now filtered through the tiny barred window.

Even in this semi-darkness, however, it was evident that Saguru's eyes were very, very closed.

Kaito cackled to himself and crept over to stand before Saguru. A truly evil grin broke out on his face as he raised his hands—

Then he paused. His grin faded slightly as he took a closer look at Saguru's pale face.

Kaito sighed. "You've been right about everything tonight, haven't you?" he whispered, his eyes on Saguru's standoffishly upturned collar and the deep bags beneath his eyes. "You caught the Kaitou Kid…even put him in jail, so to speak—you guessed where the gem is." Kaito patted his stomach with a slightly pained expression. "And you were completely honest about everything, from your favorite Shakespeare to just how dorky you are."

He turned around, crossed the cell, and laid back down on the prison bench.

"When I'm crapping out this gem I won't feel nearly this magnanimous, but…I'll let you off lightly this time, detective."

…

6:33:13 am

Saguru awoke with an unpleasant jolt and immediately leaped to his feet. His stiff joints popped in protest and he staggered into the wall behind him with a grunt.

Kaito, still on the bench, opened his eyes. "Morning."

"Was I asleep?" Saguru said, rather wildly. He cleared his throat and straightened his jacket. "Was I—"

"Yeah, I think you were sleeping," Kaito said easily, stretching his arms over his head. "Well, you were snoring at least."

Saguru stared at him, his eyes wide.

"Oh, come off it," Kaito sighed. "You weren't snoring. Geez, you're so prickly."

Saguru immediately started patting his chest and emptying his pockets. "What did you do?"

"Hmmmm?" Kaito put his arms behind his head. "What're you doing?"

"Looking for the prank you pulled on me while I was asleep."

"Hakuba-kun, I'm insulted—"

"Don't start with me," Saguru snapped, now feeling his face and hair.

"Geez," Kaito grumbled. "Someone hasn't had his caffeine this morning, huh?"

Halfway through emptying his shoes, Saguru froze. He looked up and fixed Kaito with such an intent stare that the other boy raised his eyebrows.

"What? It's true, isn't it? I'd peg you as a tea drinker. Earl Grey, am I right?"

"Perhaps you didn't actually pull a prank on me," Saguru said slowly. He pulled his shoes back on and stood up again.

"Tch." Kaito looked back up at the ceiling and crossed his legs. "Maybe."

"Hm." Saguru put his hands in his pockets and smirked. "What you really wanted was for me to go crazy looking for the nonexistent prank."

Kaito almost fell off the bench. "Uh…That's not quite what I had in mind…"

Saguru sat back down, a pert smile on his face. "If you have done something, I'll find it. And if you haven't, I won't concern myself with looking for it."

"Suit yourself," Kaito snapped. "Paranoid moron." He refolded his hands behind his head and muttered, "Last time I do you any favors."

"Excuse me?"

"Just muttering under my breath about you."

"Ah."

…

7:53:21 am

The last approximate hour and a half had been spent in near-entire glowering silence, punctuated only by loud growls from both boys' stomachs.

Saguru had taken out his pocket watch and laid it before him. He was now sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms folded across his knees, and his head on his arms, his eyes fixed on the watch.

Kaito had tried to resume juggling, but a combination of hunger, a stiff back from sleeping on the hard bench, and a severe stomach pain had caused him to quickly lose patience. At 7:21:54 am he had thrown himself back on the bench with an irate scowl and was now lying on his back, staring at the blue sky visible through the tiny window just as intently as Saguru did his pocket watch.

They hardly moved, except for occasional rustlings from Saguru, who was still surreptitiously looking for signs of a prank.

They did not speak.

8:00:00 am

Saguru leaped to his feet.

"Officer!" he shouted through the bars of the cell. "Officer! It is now eight am—visiting hours have resumed. I'd like to speak to the officer in charge, please!"

Kaito, who'd been dozing on the bench, sat up. "What's the hurry, Hakuba-kun?"
Saguru ignored him. "Officer! It's past eight am. Why haven't normal working hours recommenced?"

Kaito rolled his eyes.

A groggy-looking police officer shuffled into view outside their cell. "The day crew's not here yet."

"But it's eight-oh one and fifty-five seconds!" Saguru protested.

The officer stared at him.

"Don't mind him, officer," Kaito snapped from the bench. "He's crazy."

Saguru ignored him. "Excuse me, officer—"

"Excuse me!" This was an elderly female voice, coming from the lobby to the police station. "I'm here to pick up District General Hakuba's son."

Kaito, Saguru, and the officer outside their cell all fell silent. From the lobby, the low mutter of another officer could be heard, and then—

"But it is past eight am. Normal hours have resumed. I am here for District General Hakuba's son. What is the problem?"

Kaito and Saguru exchanged glances. Saguru smirked.

"That's my housekeeper."

Kaito shook his head. "Figures.

…

8:14:12 am

An officer unlocked the door to Kaito and Saguru's cell and opened it. "You're all set to go, boys. Hakuba-kun, your housekeeper's waiting for you in the parking lot."

"Thank you," Saguru said, relief evident on his pale, sleepy face. He looked over his shoulder at Kaito, who yawned.

"Let's get a move on, I'm tired," he groused.

"Kuroba," Saguru said. He extended a hand, a half-wry, half-pained smile on his face. "It's been edifying."

Mid-yawn, Kaito froze. He raised his eyebrows at the proffered hand. "Yeah, you could say that," he snickered. He glanced suspiciously at Saguru's hand before clasping it briefly. Then he turned around with a grin and a wave. "See you, Laertes."

"I'm not Laertes," Saguru said. He strode out of the cell after him, his hands in his pockets and his head inclined. He lifted his eyes to smirk at Kaito. "I'm Marc Antony. And you're Brutus."

"Fine by me," Kaito whipped around and grinned, raising his hands. "But," he continued, walking backwards to continue facing Saguru, "Antony didn't capture Brutus until Brutus had already succeeded in killing Caesar. Brutus was the hero, and Antony was just there to package everything into some semblance of law, and stamp the name of 'justice' over all the dead bodies." He turned back around and strode lightly out of the police station.

Saguru followed him, his shoulders still hunched ponderously. He reached the door of the station and put a hand on the door knob—then sighed.

"Touché, Hamlet."

He opened the door.

There on the street, the motor still running, was his housekeeper's car. And sitting in the passenger seat—

"Hey, Hakuba-kun!" Kaito waved. "Could you give me a ride home? It's on the way."

"I don't think—"

"I don't mind, Sa-chan," his housekeeper said with a smile.

"But Nanna—"

"If I'm bothering you, then I can walk," Kaito said, his eyes wide as he looked from Saguru to the housekeeper. "It's just that—" he rubbed his stomach gingerly. "—I don't think prison food agreed with me."

"That's all right, dear, we'll drive you home."

Saguru gripped the bridge of his nose. Then, slowly, without looking at Kaito, he got into the back seat.

"Thanks, obaasan!" Kaito said as they pulled out of the police station. "Hey, obaasan, do you like juggling?"

"Why, yes—"

"I don't think you should juggle in the car, Kuroba-kun—"

"No, it's fine; I'm really good. Check this out!"

Saguru pressed his face into his hands. "Every time…"

….

….

**A/N: I said I couldn't update until after finals…looks like my procrastination disagreed with me. In any case, I hope you like Hakuba, because next up is Saguru and Shinichi in jail! But that'll definitely have to wait until winter break, because it's going to require some Sherlock Holmes research.

Please remember to review! I love reading your input! **