Here we are—the beginning of the end. Some of you expected this while others did not.
Enjoy, either way.
The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.
You Don't Know Me
Chapter Eleven: Katniss
Fuck—I can't feel my face.
"KATNISS!" Cato quickly runs over and pulls me into his arms. He lifts me in an excited twirl before setting my dazed self on the ground. My boyfriend frowns at my shocked response. "Aren't you happy to see me?"
"Yes." Immediately he is hugging once more. "I was just surprised."
My eyes go to Peeta, who is observing my lost reaction. We did not expect Cato. What we were expecting was to go home and spend our Christmas listening to my music box as he assured me that he was okay—over and over.
Peeta mouths the words, 'Going upstairs'.
I nod back and he disappears into the building. For upstairs is an exhibition of our time together; clothes thrown on the floor from moments when we just didn't make it to his room, rumpled blankets in the living room from movie nights when we would just hold each other, and his bedroom—smelling of sex and my perfume.
He is going to clean it all up.
I just have to give him time.
Pulling apart, Cato gives me a jaunty grin. "Come help with my bags."
"Sure."
We head over to where the cab driver has placed Cato's luggage on the sidewalk. Cato pays him before heading back to where I stand gripping two bags in my shaky hands. Cato takes his other two pieces and together, we head into the building as I try to think of things to say.
"So tell me all about your trip."
"It wasn't a trip," Cato corrects me simply. "It was an assignment. Anyway, it was about a two-day flight before we landed in Manila…"
I lose myself in his words, staring straight ahead as he tells me about his landing then about his shitty accommodations and his first night of being unable to sleep because of the unbearable heat of the city.
By the time we get off the elevator, Cato is telling me about Baguio and the drive up to the mountainous city.
"I'm so glad to be home," he says as we get to the door. Cato turns to me and pulls me into another hug. "And, I'm really sorry for being such a shit…I know that it wasn't easy being away from me. Especially with Christmas and all—but you're the reason why I opted to take an earlier flight than everyone else. Someone will just have to cover the tail end of the assignment."
There is a tone of regret in his voice.
"You didn't have to leave so early," I tell him.
"Of course I had to." Cato opens the unlocked door. "You needed me."
I don't need you.
However, Christmas just doesn't seem like the right time to tell him.
"You must be tired," I finally respond as we walk into the apartment.
Peeta has cleaned up quickly. The living room is spotless with no blankets on the sofa or cartons of Chinese food on the coffee table. In the hallway, my hastily-removed bra and panties along with his discarded jeans are missing from the floor.
All traces of us are gone.
"Are you okay?" Cato asks as we get to our bedroom.
I look up at him in confusion. "Why?"
"You're crying," he tells me.
My hand goes to my cheek where I feel the dampness of tears on my skin. I didn't realize how much losing Peeta and I would hurt; it's almost like a piece of me died. Now I'll have to sit here and think of how I'm going to face the reality of my consequences.
"I didn't realize," I say to him as I swipe them away.
Cato comes to me and places a gentle kiss on my lips. "I missed you, too."
Wrong. All wrong.
No spark, no fire, no feeling.
His kisses have always felt like this. I just thought that it was just supposed to feel that way. However, Peeta's kisses have taught me different, that there is such a thing as fire—that you can want someone so much that you can't breathe.
Cato gives me a smile. "You seem overwhelmed. I'm sure that you've been distracted—with today being Christmas and all. I know that it reminds you of your mom. I mean, look at the room."
I look around to see everything in its place. "What?"
"You just left a bunch of clothes on the bed." He points to the clothes that Peeta must have thrown on my bed in a rush to clean the place. "Getting sloppy without me, huh?"
I offer him a small smile. "Yeah, sorry."
"It's okay," Cato tells me easily. He discards his own shirt and tosses it into the pile. "I'm exhausted…we should get to bed."
"Of course." I take the pile of clothes and bring them over to the hamper distractedly. I feel my eyes watering again at the overwhelming pain of not being able to have said goodbye to Peeta. I thought we had more time and my body responds to the thought of him, my lower half tightening in arousal.
"Where were you and Peeta coming from?"
I look over my shoulder to Cato who is throwing on a clean shirt. "He had a performance in the West Village and I had nothing to do."
Turning back to sorting the clothes, I'm surprised to find a folded paper hanging out of one of my sweaters.
"He didn't even say hello to me," my boyfriend responds off-handedly. "Kind of rude—but we didn't leave on the best of terms."
"Peeta forgives easily," I tell him. "He was just tired from his performance."
As tired as I am now.
Making sure that Cato is not looking, I carefully open the folded paper. Inside is a familiar yellow highlighter and a pen-produced dandelion.
Written in the corner of the sketch is one word: Always.
I don't sleep. Beside me, Cato dozes heavily, his snores echoing in the room.
I feel empty.
Moving to my side, I stare out at the closed door and close my eyes just wishing to be on the opposite end of the hallway in Peeta's arms.
What the hell have I been doing without Peeta? I've lived this half-life since Mom passed on. He brought me back to life.
Looking over at a deeply-slumbering Cato, I wonder how I'm going to tell him about everything.
Finally, I get up knowing that I'm going to need some warm milk or an Ambien. I resolve to do the first thing as there are no prescription drugs in our medicine cabinet. Quietly I go to the door, leaving Cato's snoring behind me before slipping out and closing it.
Just as Peeta steps out of the bathroom.
He gives me a tired smile. "Hey."
"Hey," I manage to greet him in a trembling voice. "Are you okay?"
Peeta shakes his head. "And, you?"
"Hell no." He holds out his arms and I'm already running into them, burying my face in his chest. "Can you miss someone who is just down the hall?"
He laughs into my hair. "I thought I was the only one feeling that way." Peeta looks over to the closed door where Cato's snoring seeps through the wood. "Does Cato suspect anything?"
"No." I look up at him. "He was too busy telling me about his assignment." My hand reaches to brush his chin and Peeta closes his eyes as a sigh escapes his lips. "I needed more time. I had planned for us to have an epic goodbye."
Peeta chuckles softly, his mouth moving down to my ear.
"Oh yeah?" The quiet rumble in his voice has me wet immediately. "What were you planning?"
My hand goes to the nape of his neck before pulling him down eagerly for a kiss. He responds hungrily, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, brushing against my own tongue so we can taste one another. My thighs part for him to move in-between them.
Through the thin boxers he wears, I feel his length, hard and ready for my caress. Reaching under the waistband of the offending cloth, my hand takes hold of his steel velvet as my thumb goes to the tip of him spreading that clear liquid along the head.
"What are you doing to me?" he asks, his usually-blue eyes dark as night. Peeta is already reaching under my long nightshirt, pulling aside the cloth covering my slit before plunging two fingers into my waiting, eager cunt. "Holy fuck, Katniss. You're soaking for me."
Peeta presses me to the open doorway of the bathroom before yanking my panties off. My own hands are moving down his boxers as he eases me up against the archway and I sink down onto his rock-hard cock.
I gasp, my insides welcoming every inch of him back into me.
Cato's loud snores assure us that we are safe to be together, for now. Peeta and I move hurriedly, his mouth fused to mine so every one of his moans can sink down to my stomach and satisfy the hunger that's been building inside me.
I only move my mouth away once. "I love you," I whisper onto his warm lips.
He meets my delirious eyes. "I love you…always."
Kissing him again, I wrap my legs around his waist as we begin to thrust harshly into one another. Maybe we're hoping that if do this enough, we'll just break apart and leave everything behind. Or, maybe we can just become one being, binding us until nothing could tear us apart without killing the other.
I just know that whatever I feel for Peeta is a million-fold compared to what I've felt for Cato.
Peeta reaches between us, his fingers moving to caress my stiff pearl and I arch into him, eager to come. A loud moan leaves my mouth and the thought that somewhere behind us, Cato is sleeping off his jet-lag escapes our minds.
"Come for me, Katniss," Peeta tells me, his mouth agape as he watches me. "Let me feel you around my cock…come on, sweetheart."
"Peeta!" His name comes out in a flurry of moans and hard thrusts before the feeling of his hot spunk drenching my insides overwhelms me. I close my eyes, letting each sensation take over. "I love you…"
I am sated.
As Peeta places me back down, I can feel the stickiness in-between my thighs. Peeta rests his head on my chest as my hands reach to affectionately play with his damp waves.
"I'm going to tell him," I promise. "It just doesn't feel like the right time."
"I know," Peeta tells me. He lifts his head to press a quick kiss on my lips. "You'll know when the time is right." He pulls away gently, quickly tucking his member back into his boxers. "I'm going to stay at Thresh's for a few days but I'll be at Haymitch and Johanna's during your shifts. Heavensbee and Alma want to talk to me about some more production projects."
"That's great." My hand reaches to take his. "I knew that you could do it."
"I couldn't have done it without you." Peeta leans down to give me kiss. The tenderness of it brings tears to my eyes. "I'm going to miss you—more than I can describe."
I nod hurriedly, my eyes closed tightly to stop the tears from escaping.
When I finally open them, he is gone.
"You look horrible," Johanna snaps at me, a few days later.
"Do you say that to all your waitresses—or just me?" I ask stonily.
She looks me over before taking my tray and tossing it under the counter. "Let's go."
"What?" Johanna is already grabbing my hand and leading me out to the back of bar. Haymitch, who hears our steps, comes out of the office. "Help me!"
"You need to talk to someone, sweetheart," Haymitch calls out as I'm led away.
Damn traitor.
On the other hand, he's just being loyal to Johanna. Their relationship just shows me how much Cato and I lack in our own. With Peeta understandably out of the apartment, I feel very much alone even with his texts to check on me.
"Sit," Johanna demands. I follow her instruction and sit on the steps leading down to our garbage. She follows suit before meeting my eyes, her own full of concern. "How are you?"
"I don't know," I respond. "Numb." I sigh as my hands twist anxiously. "I've been trying to just sit down and talk to Cato but there's always something. He has a meeting or I have work. When I get home from school, he's gone or if I get home from work, he's asleep."
"Ever thought about just waking Cato up and telling him?" she asks.
"It doesn't feel right to just break it off after he's had a nap," I tell her. "Johanna, when I do this—I don't want to be sitting in bed next to him. I want us to have an adult discussion about the fact that our relationship isn't working out."
"That's really mature of you," Johanna says diplomatically. "But in the meantime, you look like shit."
I let out a tired laugh. "I do, don't I? I don't sleep at night because it feels like I'm sleeping next to a stranger. Honestly, I've been so afraid of being alone and now that I've learned how to make decisions based on my own wants—it's a little difficult to come back to something that thrived on co-dependency."
"You have to take care of yourself," my friend tells me. "In the end, whether you end up with Cato or you end up with Peeta—remember that you are your number one priority. You have to live for your own happiness, no matter the consequences."
Johanna takes my hand.
"I'm proud of you, Katniss. You've held your own and you haven't taken any of my crap. You've grown up a lot since the first time we met and it has nothing to do with boys. It has everything to do with this."
She points to the spot where my heart is.
"Thank you, Johanna." I wipe my eyes hastily, sadness and exhaustion overwhelming my system.
"Katniss." We look up to see Haymitch awkwardly standing in the doorway. "Cato is here."
I look between the couple. "Would it be okay if I left for the rest of the day? I need to have a talk with him."
"Sure," Johanna agrees.
"It's not that busy and Madge starts in an hour," Haymitch adds.
Standing up, I take a deep breath.
I have to tell him today. My sanity depends on it.
"Thank you," I tell them.
I get ready to go—but not before giving each of them a hug.
"You've been quiet," Cato remarks as we take a walk around the small park. "I know that I've been talking a lot about the assignment and we haven't really had time to talk about you. Tell me, what have you been doing this entire time?"
I stop and turn to him—this is the moment.
"Actually, there is something that I wanted to talk to you about," I begin. "Maybe we ought to sit down."
"This sounds serious," he tells me, a curious look in his eyes.
This is what I hate. It would be easier if Cato was a cheater or a liar—but, he's not. Despite the selfish attitude and the over-ambition, he cares about me and loves me. However, I just can't love him in the way that he thinks I do.
In the end, the magnitude of our love doesn't equal an ounce of what I feel with Peeta. Even without Peeta around, I can still feel him and it gives me confidence as well as faith in myself.
Cato and I find ourselves sitting on a lone bench overlooking a playground of children.
"Can you remember us at that age?" he asks as he looks at the children in wonder. "You, me and Gale just running around…eating sand…"
"I never ate sand," I respond. "That was all you and Gale!"
He lets out a chuckle as he stares at the children in remembrance. The sound of it is both beautiful and tragic. Because this is the man who I loved once—this sweet, funny, and kind person. The one whom I spent my childhood with.
Letting him go will be harder than I realize.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" he suddenly asks.
"I wanted to talk about us," I begin. "Cato—"
"CATO!"
We turn at the shout to see a beautiful woman with long blonde hair heading toward us. Behind her is an athletically-built man with glossy golden locks and an equally bright smile.
Cato immediately rushes over to them, our conversation forgotten, and I let out the breath that I've been holding in. He is obviously close to these two because upon approaching them, the girl embraces him affectionately and as they pull away, Cato gives the man a hearty handshake.
He speaks to them for a moment before looking over at me. The golden-haired pair turn to gaze at me and they look a little shocked, especially the girl. Soon the three of them are heading over and I smooth down my hair.
"Katniss," Cato calls out. "These two are Marvel and Glimmer, two of my co-workers. They went to the Philippines with me and just arrived back to Manhattan."
I stand up immediately and give them both a smile. "It's nice to meet you."
"Pleasure is all ours," Marvel replies as he shakes my hand and flashes me a handsome grin.
"It's really great to meet you," Glimmer tells me with a friendly smile.
"Marvel wanted to point out the apartment that he and Glimmer have rented across the way," Cato tells me. I nod and he gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.
My hand goes to my cheek because the kiss leaves no sort of tingle inside me. I almost wonder if it even happened.
"I apologize if I looked surprised," Glimmer suddenly says to me. We both sit down on the bench. "It's just that Cato never talked about having a girlfriend. He was very much all about the job."
I give her a weak smile. "That's Cato. All about work."
"I could tell that it was frustrating for him being away from you," Glimmer tells me. "I mean, especially with Marvel and me being around so much."
"What do you mean?" I ask curiously.
"Well, our company offered to fund for partners or significant others to come along," she explains. "They knew that we would be gone over the holiday season, so we were given that option. It didn't matter for us since Marvel and I are engaged but other people on our team brought their spouses or partners. We all assumed that Cato wasn't with anyone."
Why didn't he ask me to come along?
Then again, would things have been any different if he did?
"It wouldn't have been possible, anyway, since I'm attending Julliard," I finally respond.
"That's great," Glimmer replies.
We fall into an awkward silence.
Looking up, I see Cato and Marvel approaching and paste a smile on my face.
"I was just telling Marvel about Haymitch's bar and how we all hang out there." Sitting next to me, Cato grins. "Also, that the world's best waitress is working there, too."
Because that's exactly how he sees me—as everyone's waitress. Someone who serves everyone else.
Cato doesn't know me at all.
Surprisingly, this realization burns.
"So I suggested that we go there tomorrow—and drinks will be on me," Marvel proclaims jauntily. He looks to Glimmer. "What do you think?"
"I'm totally down for that," Glimmer says and then looks to me. "Will you be working tomorrow?"
"Friday is our busiest night," I tell her with a small smile. "We have a lot of students coming from Julliard and NYU. Our roommate, Peeta, is performing, too."
The thought of Peeta causes a warmth to rush through me. I miss him horribly.
I suddenly can't wait for tomorrow.
"Friday is actually the best day of the week," I suddenly find myself telling them.
"What is wrong with you?" Cato asks me in irritation as I pace our living room. "Yes, I didn't tell you that significant others were allowed to come. I'll admit that. I don't understand why you're so upset."
"YOU LIED, CATO!" I'm shaking with anger because there is just something shady about all of this. "You made me look like a fucking idiot in front of your friends!"
"What did it matter?" he responds. "You were busy with school and work and whatever it was you didn't answer my phone calls for!"
"Oh, we're getting into that again?" I throw my hands in the air. "While you were gone, I worked on a piece with Beetee. I got to conduct my first run-through with an actual set of musicians. I helped Haymitch and Johanna bring business into the bar! I—"
I fell in love. I fell in love with our roommate, Peeta Mellark.
But, I don't want to tell Cato while we're arguing.
Suddenly, I'm tired.
"Who the hell is Beetee?" Cato asks.
"My teacher," I tell him in quiet anger. "He says that I have potential—that in two years, my piece can be the feature for our graduate performance. I've told you about him every time we've talked on the phone. Now why didn't you tell me about the whole bringing significant others thing?"
"Because…you would have just gotten in the way," he admits. "You know how I am about work. I have goals, Katniss—and I'm doing it all for us." Cato looks at me helplessly. "What does it matter anyway? You will be part of the fruits of my labor. And, once you graduate, we can just go back home to start our lives together."
"Then what?" I ask. "You go on another trip and pretend that I'm not there? You are un-fucking believable!"
"What is with you?" he retorts. "Before I left you would have never acted like this!"
"A LOT OF THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE YOU LEFT!"
It comes out of my mouth in a single, sharp scream.
"What has changed?" Cato asks in a challenging voice. "Tell me."
It's as if he already knows.
"I can't deal with you right now," I find myself saying.
Before he can respond, I'm already out the door.
Peeta answers Thresh's apartment door immediately.
"What's going on?" he asks me as I rush into the apartment.
"You were right!" I turn to him. "We should just go! We should just leave…"
Peeta goes to me, his arms wrapping around me as my head falls to his chest. "What happened?"
"He lied," I say simply.
"You know…I'm just going to step out," an awkward voice calls out.
I turn to see Thresh standing up from his couch and placing his game controller down on the coffee table. On the television is a paused video game and I realize that I've just walked into an impromptu boys' night.
I pull away, hastily wiping my eyes. "I'm sorry. I just came up in here unannounced—"
"No, sweetie," Thresh says as he walks over to us. "You needed to talk to someone who you could trust." He gives me a kindly smile before turning to Peeta. "I think I'm going to pick up a pizza for dinner. I'll be gone for an hour or so."
Peeta looks at him in confusion. "But, the pizza place is down the street—"
"My God, you're dense," Thresh says. "I'll just be back in an hour."
Thresh gives me an affectionate hug before quickly leaving the apartment.
Finally alone, Peeta and I look to one another. It's been a few days since we've been alone.
And, I'm miserable.
"Can we just pause?" he asks and I nod.
Taking my face in his hands, Peeta leans down and our lips meet as he tenderly kisses me. The taste of him sweeps into my mouth and I savor every moment of it. My hands move over his so I can feel his rough knuckles in my palms.
Finally, he pulls away to press our foreheads together.
Peeta gazes into my eyes. "I missed you."
"I missed you more," I reply softly.
Taking my hand, he leads to me to the couch; a burgundy, velveteen monstrosity which is surprisingly comfortable.
"So what did Cato lie about?" Peeta asks as we settle next to each other.
"He could've brought me with him," I explain. "I'm not hurt because I didn't get to go. I'm hurt because his reason for not inviting me was selfish. He thought that I would get in the way of his being successful. Also, that it shouldn't have mattered anyway because in the end, I'm reaping the benefits of it all when we go back to Panem and start our 'real' life together."
I sigh and put my head on Peeta's shoulder.
"I was even out with him because I was going to tell him everything," I say quietly. "Except that his co-workers interrupted us. That's how I found out that he kept all of that from me. The people I met were a couple who went on the assignment. Cato never talked about me—they didn't even know he had a girlfriend."
"Wow," Peeta responds after a moment. "Kind of a dick move."
"Now what?" I ask. I meet his eyes as my own begin to fill. "Can we just leave?"
Peeta lifts my chin with his fingers. "In the end, you wouldn't want to do that. Think about how it feels right now—to not know anything. Don't keep him in the dark about how you feel."
"He thinks I've changed," I explain. "That I'm not acting like I did before the assignment."
"Maybe you have changed," Peeta tells me. "You've become exactly who you should be. You've become the real you—and I'm very proud of that."
I wrap my arms around his neck. "Thresh said he'd be gone for an hour, right?"
Peeta nods as I shift onto his lap. "What should we do while he's gone?"
"I don't know." I smile before placing a kiss on his parted lips. "I love you, Peeta. Remember that."
"I love you, too," Peeta replied as he reaches to brush a tear away. "This isn't the end. I promise you that."
I don't want to tell him that something makes me feel like it is.
"So here is your first round." I begin to place the bottles on the table before me. "Let me know when you're ready for the next."
"Katniss," Alma calls out, her silvery eyes looking me over. "Have a seat."
"I can't," I tell her hesitantly. "It's a busy night."
Around us, every table is filled. Madge and I are up to our eyeballs in customers as Johanna and Haymitch man the bar together. They are a seamless team, knowing the other's move so that they can pour or grab the right ingredients for each drink. The two of them can serve ten people in a minute.
"Oh, come on," Cressida begs. "Just a quick minute with me and Mum." I know that Cressida lived in London during her childhood when her parents were still in the middle of their divorce. However, the British accent is still sharp despite spending years in New York. "So word has it that you and Peeta were…"
I look around quickly to make sure no one is signaling me before sitting down quickly.
"I don't know what we were," I tell them. "Or are."
"So there is still hope," Heavensbee counters. "I like Peeta. He's a good man."
"And we like you, too," Boggs, who sits across from me, says. Paylor, who is taking a swig from her bottle nods in agreement. "So why can't the two people we both like just be together?"
"Because we'd definitely like that," Alma tells me.
"Because I have a boyfriend who I have to break up with first," I say as I stand up and look over to where Cato sits with Glimmer and Marvel.
The group in front of me all tilt to glance over at Cato.
"Yeah…him," Cressida says with a frown. "He's been looking over here all night." She tosses her long blonde hair in mock-haughtiness. "Break up with him for checking me out."
I let out a small laugh. "It's not that easy."
"Maybe you'll find a way tonight," Heavensbee says and gives me quick wink.
Another table signals me over and I give the band a wave before going to take the adjacent group's orders. Across the room, Madge is chatting with Cato and his co-workers and her eyes meet mine in worry.
It seems like a lot of people are worried about me. I really must look that bad.
The only person who doesn't seem to notice is Cato.
"Katniss." I turn to see Peeta rushing over to me, guitar case in hand, as I head over to the bar. He grins and I can feel my own lips rising in a smile. He looks over and gives Cato a quick wave before turning back to me. "Is everything better?"
"I told him that I was here last night," I explain. "After I finish up my shift, I'm telling him. Johanna said that I can stay over at her old place. She still owns her studio in the West Village."
"Then what?" he asks in a solemn voice.
Johanna lets out a whistle and I see her beckoning me over to pick up my orders.
I shrug. "I don't know."
"That guy is your roommate?" Glimmer slurs her words as she balances her glass in her shaky hand. "My God—he's gorgeous."
"Ladies and gentlemen, my fiancée," Marvel says with a smirk. "I'm totally cool with this happening because I know that she's going home with me tonight."
I chuckle feebly at her drunken statement. Peeta is almost at the end of his set and Cato's co-worker had gone honey-eyed during his performance.
While I'm used to it, I still feel that slight twinge of jealousy in my stomach.
Before, I could assert that I was his at our apartment. Now it is a different story.
"Peeta gets enough tail," Cato informs her. "He's been gone since I got here. Who knows where he's been…"
"He's been staying at Thresh's." I don't realize that I've said anything until Cato whips his head over at me. "Told me before he left."
"Peeta is talented," Marvel says in admiration. "I used to play the guitar and it's not easy to sing while performing. He makes it look easy."
"He's producing music, too." I take a quick sip of my water trying to avoid Cato's suspicious eyes. "I saw a performance that he helped with that featured Heavensbee and his band, The Thirteen. It was awesome."
"You know a lot about him," Cato suddenly remarks.
"He is our roommate," I retort in a sharp voice.
"I'm just about to finish up," Peeta says into the mic. "So, I'd like to leave my last performance up to the audience."
"DUET!" Someone who sounds suspiciously like Paylor yells.
"A duet?" Peeta gives the crowd a smile. "Anyone want to come up here with me?"
I know that there will be a number of ladies willing to sing alongside him.
"KATNISS CAN SING!"
That posh accent can only be Cressida's.
Peeta looks to me from where I sit in the center of the room, his blue eyes sparkling. "Are you game?"
"You sing, too?" Glimmer asks, her eyes bright as the room fills with encouraging shouts.
"Katniss doesn't sing," Cato tells her. "She's way too shy and will only do it in front of people she really trusts."
I'm already standing up.
Taking off my apron, I step onto the stage and place it on the stool that Peeta had abandoned. The spotlight blinds me from the audience so I can't see just how upset Cato must be.
He knows damn well—or at least he knows now, that there are some things that he doesn't know about me.
The rowdy crowd cheers as I smile at Peeta. "What are we singing?"
"Don't worry," he says in an assuring tone. "You know the song."
Going to the mic, Peeta winks at me before looking to the crowd.
"So a few months ago, Katniss and I took a drive up to Connecticut. I found out that we both shared an affinity for the same musicians and this artist seemed to be at the top of our list. I'm going to have to change up one word—you probably won't even notice."
The crowd titters at his words while I blush at his anecdote.
Now Cato knows that I've been alone with Peeta.
Peeta strums the beginning notes and I immediately know the song.
It was one that we sang together on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner at the Mellark house.
"I woke dreaming we had broke
Dreaming you left me for someone new,
And you cried drying those grey eyes
Crying you're sorry, sorry won't do…"
Peeta looks to me, guitar across his chest, and presses his forehead to mine.
The interruption of someone at the drums has me turning to see Heavensbee at the usually empty drum set as Peeta sings the chorus to the song.
Turning to the mic, I realize that it's my turn to sing.
"Last night we had a great fight
I fell asleep in horrible state
Then dreamt you loved my best friend…"
My mind goes to the week that Prim had come to visit and how jealous I had been. How it had hit me like a freight train that I wanted this man for myself. I wanted him more than I've ever wanted anything or anyone else.
My hand reaches to caress his cheek as I sing into the mic.
"But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you, and you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes I see sky…"
Up here on this stage, the feeling of freedom takes over and all I see is Peeta. The faint sounds of someone letting out a wolf-whistle catches my ears but it's hard to focus when Peeta is staring at me with love in those sweet blue eyes.
I just want to lose myself in him.
We smile at one another as we sing the chorus, once more, into the mic with Heavensbee as our backup.
"Oh oh oh oh you know
The way to keep me on my toes…
I-I-I-I'll be just fine
Just say you'll stay forever mine
Till we fall asleep tonight…"
"WOO KATNISS!" Alma's shout breaks through our bubble as Peeta and I begin the bridge of the song, our lips so close against the mic that we could almost be singing into a kiss.
"Sometimes I forget to love you like I should
But I'd never leave you
No, I never would, I never would…"
My face hurts from my bright grin and the crowd roars in approval. Being here on stage with Peeta is electrifying.
Being with Peeta is electrifying.
As the final chords are played and we finish the last bit of the song, my arms go around Peeta's neck in excitement as he quickly takes his guitar off his body to pull me close.
"I'm so proud of you, Katniss," he whispers in my ear.
"Thank you, Peeta," I say, my voice thick with tears. "Thank you for everything."
When I turn to look out at the cheering crowd, I spot the one person who's not on their feet clapping, a cold stare in his blue eyes.
Cato.
We walk out into the chilly evening air.
"Katniss, what the hell was that?" Cato asks as he turns to me, rage in his eyes.
"It was a song," I reply simply.
"No, that was not just a song!" He looks at me with anger. "You were practically eye-fucking Peeta on stage!"
"I never expected him to happen." I know if I don't tell him now, we will continue this tireless circle of a relationship. "I couldn't help it, Cato. I just couldn't."
"You couldn't help but fuck him?" Cato scoffs. "That's a pathetic excuse for cheating, Katniss."
The front door opens and Peeta steps out. His eyes are calm as he approaches us.
Cato glares at him but makes no advance. "You had a plethora of girls at your disposal. But, you had to take Katniss, too?"
"I kissed him, Cato." Cato looks to me at my outburst. "I kissed Peeta first and I pushed him for the rest." My eyes go to Peeta, who remains silent. "I wanted him for myself."
"I knew something was going on." Cato is seething as he stares at me. "I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew you changed."
"How?" I manage to ask.
"The picture frames in our room were dusty," he informs me. "You're a neat freak, Katniss. You used to wake up early every Saturday to clean your house. The tops of the frames were lined with dust so I knew that you hadn't been sleeping in our room."
Cato glares at Peeta, whose eyes remain still.
"Plus," Cato continues. "You said you were here last night when you came home. I was here last night having a drink and waiting for you." He gives me a short laugh. "So, I'm not a goddamn idiot. You two have been fucking behind my back. Were you planning to keep it going when I got back?"
"No," Peeta responds. "We agreed that we would stop when you came back. But then something changed."
Cato shakes his head in disbelief. "What?"
"I fell in love with him." My gaze goes to Peeta. "Very much so."
It feels good to admit it out loud.
"And, I fell in love with her," Peeta says, his eyes on me, glowing and beautiful.
"I thought you loved me," Cato reasons and there is a slight hitch in his voice. "We've been together since we were kids. This wasn't supposed to happen this way."
"There is always going to be a part of me that loves you," I respond. "We were each other's firsts. That is something special." My eyes go to the man in front of me. "But, we were never in love with each other. Loved each other—yes. But, in love?" I shake my head, tears escaping my eyes. "Never."
"How do you know that?" he asks me in a tight voice.
I look to Peeta, who gives me an encouraging nod. I know that no matter what happens, he's going to support me.
"I don't think I could explain it." I begin to sob, my throat tight as I press on. "I don't think that you'll ever understand until it happens to you." I put a hand on his shoulder and Cato bows his head. "I never meant to hurt you."
"I would've given you everything, Katniss," he tells me in a choked voice.
"I know you would've." He meets my eyes and I can see the faint spark of tears. "But, I don't want everything. I just want to be loved for being me—the me that you never bothered to understand. I'm not the same girl that you grew up with in Panem. I've changed. I just couldn't show you because I was too scared to let go of what we had. I was too scared to let go of my security blanket—you."
"And now?" Cato turns to look at Peeta; a heated yet beaten down look in his eyes. "You're choosing him?"
"I didn't say that," I reply firmly.
"We can still work this out." Cato's eyes are glassy with pain. "I can learn to love the new you—whoever that is. We can have something better." He glances over at Peeta before meeting my eyes once more. "You just have to choose, Katniss."
I close my eyes and take a breath to rush through my memories of Cato and of Peeta.
I think of Cato's smile and Peeta's kiss…then I think of myself.
When I open my eyes, it is all so clear.
I shake my head at Cato. "I can't go back to being the person that you want me to be. But, some part of me will always love you, Cato." A whimper escapes my mouth. "I hope that one day you'll be my best friend again."
Then I go to Peeta, my hand almost reaching for him but I just can't muster the strength without breaking down.
"We could've been something great, Peeta," I say to this beautiful man in front of me and the tears can't help but drip from my eyes.
This man was the one who helped me understand how it truly felt to be in love; the one whose kiss caused fireworks and whose smile caused the flutter in my chest to happen.
"But you and I both know that we couldn't begin anything with such a shaky start."
Peeta gives me a nod in understanding, his blue eyes crystalline with tears.
He doesn't have to tell me—I know he's proud.
This is what Peeta wanted for me from the beginning.
"Cato, you wanted me to choose."
I step back from both of them. I step back from my past—and what I wished was my future.
"I choose me."
Taking a deep breath, I turn around and walk into the unknown.
I know a few of you were expecting this.
Does it make it any better? Not really.
Feel free to yell at me. Hubbs enjoys when there are others who share his rage.
I'm feeling a little blue off of all of this.
Song: "Sky"-Josh Radin feat. Ingrid Michaelson (I've known from the beginning that this was going to be the song that they'd sing together)
Just in case you didn't know, the word change in the song was "grey".
Now for some bad news—I'm going to be taking a short break to work on my other stories before finishing up on this story.
Next, Chapter Twelve: Peeta—Two Years Later—a wedding, a reunion, a baby…
Till then, JLaLa