Author's Notes: For reasons unknown, this was a difficult chapter to write. Possibly because of all the distractions brought on by the holiday season, or the stress of preparing for my audition. I'd hoped to have it up before Christmas as a little present, but I guess we'll have to settle for one or two days late. Better late than never, right?
My audition went well. Now I get to wait and see if I impressed them enough to offer me a place. In the meantime, it's almost the New Year! I can hardly believe it.
I hope everyone enjoys this chapter; it's another long one. And there's a lot of emotion involved. It's what I like to refer to as another bridge chapter; one where there isn't a lot of action to fall back on, but instead conversation and character development. Those can either go really well, or turn out horribly wrong. So they tend to take me a little longer to put together. I only hope it turned out all right. There's some Inuyasha/Kagome fluff for everyone, interspersed with some tension.
So even though it's late, allow me to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, and hopefully I'll have one more chapter up before the New Year!
Title: In Search of Eden
Author: dolphingirl0113
Chapter Eleven
Rating: M - Violence, Language, and Sexual Situations
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. And any similarities to other existing stories is entirely unintentional and coincidental. This story is based originally on an earlier work, titled 'Impossible Dreams', and that work, like this one, belongs to me. Please do not plagiarize.
When the sun rose the following morning, it illuminated a world filled with uncertainty for the slaves of the Shinto Estate. The heap of rubble and debris that had once been the great mansion had stopped smoking and smoldering sometime in the early hours of dawn, and now there was only silence. The ground was dusted with frost, crunching underfoot as people moved about performing various miscellaneous tasks, and a light fog hovered eerily somewhere between earth and sky, distorting the horizon and causing the world to shrink.
Seated on the fence surrounding the herb garden, Inuyasha watched the slaves moving about with narrowed eyes. He noted how all of them paused to stare – some with suspicion, some with wariness, and some with open curiosity – at the woman currently dozing on the ground before him, and it had him on edge.
Kagome lay curled up in a tiny little ball, draped in his red jacket, near the freshly turned earth covering her father's grave. Behind her on the ground was Sango, spooned against her back with arms around her friend protectively, the two women seeking warmth and safety from one another. Miroku sat beside them with his head bowed in meditation and prayer, and Kouga stood a few feet away, the three men clearly forming an odd but effective triangle of protection.
The cold in the air was thick and heavy, seeping into his bones, and Inuyasha had to forcibly resist the urge to shiver, wearing nothing but a long-sleeved shirt and his red pants. His eyes were again drawn down to Kagome's face, noting how it was hardly peaceful, and her sleep anything but restful, as she seemed to react to almost every noise around her. Any time someone walked by she jumped, and then Sango would momentarily tighten her hold, clearly in an attempt to reassure her.
Inuyasha's heart went out to the human girl. He knew how it felt to have a life turned entirely on its head, seemingly overnight, and could only imagine what Kagome was feeling. His own memories reared to life as he recalled the night Naraku had strolled into the castle and dropped the head of the mighty Inutaisho on the ground at the Queen's feet. With his child's mind Inuyasha had struggled to understand what he was seeing, trying to equate the memories of his father with that lifeless head on the stone floor. And even now he struggled to make sense of it all; to sort out the myriad of emotions he'd felt that day, and in all the days since.
"This is fucked up." Kouga broke the spell of the hanyou's memories as he approached and growled in irritation, looking around at all the various people peering in over the fence. "It's like she's some kind of animal in a pen for them to gawk at." The man's body was tense, his arms crossed over his muscular chest, and he looked as though he was ready to pummel someone at a moment's notice.
Inuyasha simply rolled his shoulders and stretched at first while saying nothing, the cold and inaction of the last few hours having turned his muscles stiff and painful. Every so often he'd flex his fingers to try and encourage circulation, and his feet were even worse. "Shit, it's cold!" He groaned, while with unreadable eyes he stared at the slaves, a hand draped over a bent knee as he settled back into place. "And will you calm down? It's not like masters haven't gawked at slaves in the same way," he said at last in a surprising show of wisdom. "They probably feel like they're entitled." It wasn't an excuse…but it was an attempt at a reason.
A reason the wolf prince apparently didn't care for, his blue eyes flaring with irritation in response. "The hell they are. Kagome never looked at them like this!"
This time Inuyasha looked directly at Kouga out of narrowed eyes, some piece of his veneer fracturing as he tried to read between the lines. "Why the hell do you care so much what they do or don't do in regards to her?" He'd noticed early on the way Kouga often looked at Kagome with affection and even a bit of lust, but had always assumed it was just the man's naturally flirtatious personality, chalking it up to him being a charmer like Miroku. But right now Inuyasha recognized a lot more than just general affection in Kouga's voice as he spoke. There was a protective quality to his tone, and Inuyasha didn't like it, although he was hard pressed to identify why it would bother him that someone cared about Kagome. It wasn't like he wanted anything to do with her, after all. He'd promised to protect her, but that was the end of it. What she did with the rest of her life was her business.
So why was he glaring at Kouga now as though the wolf was one wrong answer away from getting a swift kick in the balls?
For his part, Kouga stared right back and refused to yield one inch, instead meeting the unspoken challenge head on; some silent threat passing between them that only they could really understand. It was something most people couldn't do when Inuyasha really got his glare going, and he supposed he had to respect the man for not being a coward…albeit begrudgingly so. "She has always been kind to me." Kouga's blue eyes softened as he spoke. "She's a good woman, who deserves a lot better in her life."
There it was…that softness again. And for a second time Inuyasha felt his temper flare in response. "So do a lot of people, cry me a fucking river," he stated harshly as he jumped down off the fence, swearing as his feet connected with the nearly frozen ground, the impact ricocheting through his stiff muscles in a painful series of vibrations. "I know a lot of people who have it a lot worse than she did; at least she had a warm, clean bed and food to eat every day."
Until now, he added silently to himself, keeping that concern private. Kagome was a woman who'd never had to face the elements like this before…would she be able to survive? It was something he'd been pondering all through the night while watching her trying to sleep.
Kouga shook his head, looking at Kagome's form on the ground with a protective posture; as though he'd single handedly shield her from all that sought to harm her. "There are a lot of things that make for a lonely, hard life that have nothing to do with regular baths or a warm bed. I've known her a lot longer than you have, mutt face. And believe me when I say she does not deserve this."
Rubbing his hands over his arms and seeing the fog from his breath on the air, Inuyasha growled and looked away, making it clear he did not appreciate the less-than-subtle barb about the fact that Kouga technically had known the woman longer than he had, and therefore might also know her better than he did. He didn't want to see it; didn't want to see the familiarity or the genuine affection in Kouga's eyes as he looked at Kagome. It made the hanyou uncomfortable, though he was hard-pressed to say why.
Miroku shifted on the ground, now watching the two men, and Inuyasha could see the questions in his friend's eyes. Questions he didn't have answers to, and didn't feel like discussing, so he looked away.
These were all things that complicated his life in ways it didn't really need complicating. He wished he could just wipe it all away, and go back to the time before he'd ever met Kagome Higurashi or come to this place. He wanted to return to the days when he'd been plotting his revenge on Naraku without also having to suddenly worry about the wellbeing of over one hundred slaves. Return to the days before he was haunted by the lonely eyes of a girl who even now was curling further into his red jacket as she tried to block out the rest of the world and the horrible truths that waited for her when she opened her eyes. But more than anything else he wanted to go back to a time where he didn't know what it felt like to see that jacket on her body and respond by straightening his shoulders in satisfaction, or hear Kouga's affection for her and respond by wanting to hit something.
He didn't want to be so protective of her, because that implied he cared, and caring was not something Inuyasha did very well. The last time he'd cared about anyone, he'd had it all ripped way, and the experience had taught him well enough that to care was to know pain. It wasn't worth it.
"If you two are done arguing over your favorite bone," Miroku's sarcastic voice cut through the silence, "Perhaps we can start trying to formulate a plan."
"A plan for what?" Inuyasha wished desperately to be rid of the diamond shard around his neck, knowing if he were restored to his full strength he wouldn't be feeling the bite of the cold so bitterly. He shivered as he rubbed his hands over his arms, and only felt a little better when he noted Kouga was doing the same thing. Ironically enough it was Miroku who seemed to be tolerating the cold weather better than anyone else. "And can I just say it's fucking ridiculous that we're all out here when we could at least be inside one of the huts?"
Kagome stirred, sitting up with a slow precision that implied her body was as stiff as his, punctuated with a wince or two as she finally managed to get to her feet. She turned and regarded him steadily. "Then why don't you go get warm, Inuyasha? I didn't ask you to stay out here." She rubbed her eyes – blotchy and red – and swallowed. Her voice so hoarse it was barely audible.
Staring at her, Inuyasha felt the usual tension build in his body as their eyes met. Noting that even pale, exhausted, and shell-shocked with grief, Kagome Higurashi's gaze could pack one hell of a punch. Everything else about her might be swollen, bruised, blotchy, and red, but her irises were still the same unmistakable cobalt blue, and Inuyasha found he actually had to look away before she did. "You've got my coat, you idiot. I didn't want you getting a hair brained idea like running off and leaving me without it."
"Take it back then, if you're so worried." She tried to take it off and give it to him, her slender frame shivering, but Inuyasha was there before she could fully slip it off her shoulders. She looked at him, and he looked at her.
In the end he resettled it on her body and looked away. "Keep it."
Narrowing her eyes, Kagome looked as though she might say something, but in the end apparently thought better of it as she simply turned away. Sango rose beside her, the warrior woman giving Inuyasha a glare of warning with a very clear message: play nice.
Inuyasha just rolled his eyes while secretly watching as Kagome moved to the edge of the garden and leaned against the fence. He noted how she watched the slaves as they passed by, and also noticed how the slaves were watching her. It was a strange dance, reminiscent of predators circling a wounded animal; and there was no question in this instance who the prey was. The only unknown that remained now was how hungry were the predators?
That protective instinct swelled up again as a few of the slaves actually dared to approach, and Inuyasha crossed the distance within seconds to stand behind Kagome. Kouga was only a few seconds slower in his response, and the two men flanked Kagome on either side in an impressive display of solidarity. Sango stood just behind with wary eyes, and Miroku, while seeming disinterested from his place on the ground, was undoubtedly on alert too. The mere fact that he'd gone completely still spoke volumes, and Inuyasha knew full well that man packed a punch when necessary.
It was an unspoken standoff as everyone stared at one another.
"Is she to stay with us?" One woman asked at last, eyeing Kagome with an unreadable expression on her face. She wasn't necessarily hostile…but her look was far from welcoming either.
For her part, Kagome didn't even flinch, although honestly Inuyasha wasn't sure if this was because she was that strong, or if she was simply too exhausted and ill from her ordeal the night before to give much of a reaction to anything going on around her. She simply stood with her arms folded and her hands tucked into the sleeves of Inuyasha's jacket, expressionless and seemingly indifferent. Or numb. Or perhaps even a little bit of both. It was almost as though the life had been sucked right out of her, and on some level Inuyasha felt his heart break.
Kouga was the first to speak, fists clenched as he leaned forward in a physical display of aggression. He could give even Inuyasha a run for his money as a hothead with a temper. "Of course she is. Do you have a problem with that?" There was a clear threat implied with his question, and everyone shifted nervously as the tension grew thick.
The woman who'd spoken looked again at Kagome, clearly searching for something, though what exactly that was remained anyone's guess. "How do you know we can trust her?" She finally asked.
"What exactly is she going to do?" This time Inuyasha spoke. It was irritating that people seemed inclined to speak about Kagome as though she wasn't standing right in front of them, and his temper was really on edge. "She has no more power or influence than we do. She is no risk to you now."
No, quite frankly the greatest risk to all of them at the moment was frostbite and hunger. But he kept those thoughts to himself, not wanting to really cause a panic. Everyone seemed to be hanging onto self-control by a thread, and frankly Inuyasha wasn't in the mood to find out what happened when that last thread snapped. In all honesty, he had a feeling they were purposefully trying to channel their anger and fear towards Kagome in an attempt to avoid dealing with the actual dangers of their present situation…but he hoped he was wrong.
Another slave spoke up, a young man with eyes that were more accusatory and a little less forgiving. "Say we are captured…she could tell them everything. She'd probably tell them to save herself. We would be killed for sure!" He looked around him for supporters. "I say she has to leave. At least if she's gone she's no risk to us."
Inuyasha growled. "You fucking idiot…"
"We're probably dead anyway, regardless of what Lady Kagome might say," Miroku observed from the ground, interrupting Inuyasha before he could say something really inflammatory. The former monk's hands were folded in his lap and his eyes were closed in his favorite meditative pose. It's how he always looked when deep in thought. But there was a bite to his voice Inuyasha knew well; a bite that meant the man was seriously unhappy with the tone of the conversation. "So casting her off isn't the answer." He looked at the man sideways, his violet eyes slashing through the space between them in reprimand.
The man who'd spoken shook his head in denial, even as he struggled to meet Miroku's gaze. "We have more of a chance if she's not with us. She's obviously a master's daughter; she's too polished to be anything else. Just look at her hands…not a single callous." The tone of his voice suggested this was disgusting. "They'd know her immediately for what she is, and ask her what happened. If she told them the truth, they'd give her shelter and we would be punished." To Inuyasha's dismay, several others were nodding their heads in agreement.
The predators were circling now, aggression feeding on aggression as the crowd around them grew. And the whole time Kagome still said nothing, simply watching and waiting. Inuyasha was torn between admiration for the calm she was showing, and irritation that she wasn't saying a single word in defense of herself or her right to live and be left alone. What had happened to the woman who'd so fiercely stared down those three angry men the night before?
Then again, what could she possibly say to an irrational, hungry, terrified mob? Maybe she was the smarter one by saying nothing. Perhaps she hoped that so long as she didn't pour fuel on an already raging fire, it would simmer down before things escalated to violence. Damn…he wished he could get a glimpse into her mind. For reasons unknown, Inuyasha found he needed her support in this. He needed to know what she was thinking. He needed to feel…connected. And right now he felt about as disconnected as a man could feel; she might as well have been standing six miles away, rather than a mere six inches to his left.
"Kagome wouldn't do that." This time it was Sango voicing a protest.
"She's your friend, of course you'd say that." As always, when in a crowd everyone felt safer and freer speaking their minds. Inuyasha had a feeling if they'd been speaking with these people one on one, they wouldn't have dared be so bold.
Miroku finally stood up. "Are you calling her a liar?"
Inuyasha felt an eyebrow disappear behind his bangs in surprise. He'd never heard his friend actually try and defend a woman. Hell, generally speaking Miroku didn't stick his neck out for anyone unless it was to his own benefit. But for Sango…
"Stop it, all of you!" Finally Kagome's voice crackled and strained to be heard, and everyone stopped speaking to look at her. Clutching Inuyasha's jacket closer to her body, she swallowed and tried again. "I have no intention of making your lives worse than they already are. If you want me gone, then fine…I'll leave." Her eyes drifted towards the fresh earth of her father's grave. "I have no reason to stay here." Again her gaze snapped around to look at the slaves. "But I won't just stand around waiting for anyone to murder me in my sleep. My father is dead; if you crave more vengeance than that, you won't get it."
"Kagome…" Sango stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to go anywhere. You'll stay with us." The former demon exterminator's eyes seemed to look at each slave individually. "And you will be welcome. We are your friends." The message was clear: she was firmly with Kagome, and anyone who sought to harm her friend would also face Sango herself.
Kouga nodded his head and stepped up as well. "Yes, we are your friends. You aren't going anywhere. It's dangerous out there."
With a shake of her head, Kagome looked at them before looking away. "None of us can stay here; surely you all know that." Her eyes roamed over the crowd of people, and then came to rest on Inuyasha's face. "Even if you can keep warm in the huts, there isn't any food." It was the first time anyone had dared to so openly and blatantly state the obvious, and Inuyasha found himself tensing in response. Not sure how the slaves would react to such a blunt assessment of their current set of circumstances.
And it didn't take long to find out, either. "Without you around, there'd at least be one less mouth to feed."
It was unclear who'd said it, but it was enough to set off Inuyasha's temper. "I've had it! Kagome belongs here. We're not sending her away, and that's final. She won't cause you any harm."
"You don't get to have an opinion, demon," one woman said, her fists clenched as she actually had the gumption to step away from the crowd and identify herself. She said the word 'demon' like she thought it was disgusting in some way (many humans felt that way about demons, afraid of what they didn't understand), and Inuyasha could only imagine what she would have said if she'd known the truth: that he was a half-breed. It was well known that the more prejudiced people saw half-breeds as a representation of a forbidden, disgusting union. And clearly this woman was one of them; she believed she'd seen a demon and a human together, and was disgusted by what she'd seen.
She persisted, boldly meeting his gaze with an accusing finger. "I saw you with her, many times. Your judgment is impaired. I don't care if it's because you're in love with her or if you just want her body…but obviously you fell for her tricks, and I don't trust a word you say any more."
Oddly enough, it was that particular accusation, and not any of the others that had come before, that drew the most visceral response out of Kagome. She paled and recoiled as if she'd been slapped, her knees wobbly as she leaned against Sango for support. And that sight, along with what the woman had said and the implications behind it, finally caused something to snap inside. Inuyasha no longer thought about what he was saying, or how it might come across; he just knew he was pissed off. "You don't know the first thing about what you're talking about. No one seduces me. No one puts me under any kind of spell." He thought of all the daughters who'd tried on various estates, and how all of them had failed, even though he'd been forced to do many things that left him disgusted. "You know nothing. Did it ever occur to you that there were other reasons I was with her? Of course not. You're all so fucking quick to make your judgments like a group of idiots you can't take the time to see if there are other answers. Well let me tell you something…I was with her because I think she can purify diamond shards. Now you tell me how useless you think she is, if that's true. Tell me if you still want to run her out of town, when in fact she could potentially free every demon here, and give us more of a weapon against Naraku."
It was obvious by the silence that followed that no one had expected that kind of bombshell to be dropped. All the slaves were now staring at Kagome in a different way, some in curiosity, some in disbelief, and some with an unmistakable amount of intrigue. Even Kouga was looking at Kagome in a whole new light, obviously trying to decide for himself if such a thing were possible.
Only one person was looking at Inuyasha, and by the look in Kagome's eyes, Inuyasha realized immediately he'd hurt her deeply with his words. In his attempt to protect her, and out of anger, he'd minimized any emotional or personal connection between them (not that he'd acknowledge any such connection out loud himself), and undoubtedly now all she was seeing him as was a man using her for his own needs. She probably even thought that his vow to protect her was more to protect the woman who could purify his diamond shard, and not some noble gesture made by a heroic man.
It shouldn't have bothered him. He should have been relieved to burst her bubble. And yet that look she was giving him pierced straight through to his heart, leaving Inuyasha feeling empty and hollow on the inside. All he could think about was how used he'd felt by so many women on all the estates where he'd lived over the years, and hated seeing that feeling reflected on her face.
"How do we know if she can purify the shards?" A man asked.
"She'll have to prove it, obviously!" Another voice answered.
"Make her prove it!" The crowd took up the chant in a series of echoing demands, and now Inuyasha felt somewhat cornered. He'd not meant to reveal any of this in such a way. Frankly, he'd planned on telling Kagome when he had her somewhere private and could try and explain what it all meant. He'd even hoped to perhaps have her test his theory without anyone knowing or watching. But all his best-laid plans had gone straight to hell when he'd lost his temper, and now here they were with only one way out.
Sango's gaze had swung around to rest on Inuyasha, and judging by her glare, it was obvious she was angry with him. Seeing him as nothing more than a sorry bastard using her friend for his own benefit. "She doesn't have to prove anything!" She snapped at the crowd, clearly ready to go toe to toe with all of them – on her own – if she had to. Inuyasha had to admire the feisty brunette for her loyalty. "She has a right to live, and do what she wants, the same as all of you. You're all a bunch of hypocrites, to have wanted freedom for so long, and now wish to strip it away from someone else!"
"It's alright, Sango." Kagome was still staring straight at Inuyasha, and he was still feeling unbelievably uncomfortable as a result. "If that's what Inuyasha needs me to do, then I will. I don't know what this power is he thinks I have, but if I have it, and can help, then I will of course do it." But her voice was cold and flat, and her eyes had shuttered closed on her emotions, effectively shutting him out.
That hurt.
That really, really hurt.
For her part, Kagome felt like her heart had been shattered into a million tiny, jagged pieces. She now realized she'd been a fool before, to so blindly trust Inuyasha (or anyone, for that matter), when in truth all he'd been doing was using her. Sango had been right all along, insisting he was no good. But she'd fallen for his emotional eyes and the hard life he'd been forced to live, forgetting about all the hatred he'd felt for her when he'd first arrived. Clearly that hatred had never really gone away after all. She was just a tool to him…a means to an end.
She didn't fully understand what he meant about purifying his diamond shard, but at this point Kagome was determined to do it, if that's what he wanted her to do, and then get as far away from him as she possibly could. Maybe if she freed him of the diamond shard – if such a thing were even possible – then he'd go on his way, and she'd never have to see him again. Then at least she wouldn't have to see him every day as a reminder of how embarrassed she was over acting the part of a fool in this whole charade. If ever there was a moment where she wished she could take back her kiss, this was that moment.
Walking forward, she came to a stop only a few inches away from him with her hands on her hips. "What am I supposed to do?"
Inuyasha looked uncomfortable. "Kagome…"
"This is what you want, isn't it? So what am I supposed to do?"
Damn her! Damn her to hell and back! Inuyasha didn't want it to be like this, and she was making it hard on him! He'd never really cared who he hurt or offended before, but Kagome was different. She'd been different almost from the first moment he'd met her, and had stared at him so defiantly when he'd mocked her and called her 'mistress'.
In the end, however, she left him no choice. Everyone was staring at them, and Inuyasha knew prolonging things would only make it worse. Any hope of breaking the news to her gently and having a test run before doing anything in front of a public audience was ruined at this point; and he blamed himself for that. He should have been honest with her from the first moment a suspicion had taken root in his mind.
Why hadn't he told her?
Honestly, he had no good answer for that one. It was probably some instinct he didn't even realize he had any more, an automatic response, particularly when around masters or their families; a primitive instinct driving him to keep all pertinent information to himself, in case it could be used against him later. But seeing the look in her eyes – like he'd somehow betrayed her – had Inuyasha regretting that decision. "Just take the shard in your hand. I think that's all you have to do." Everyone was watching him, and it was making him nervous. "That's how you did it before; you just touched it."
Kagome blinked in surprise, momentarily forgetting to be angry. "When did I do this before?"
"It doesn't matter!" He snapped in a fit of temper, already on edge. He could feel all those eyes boring into him, and wanted to tell them all to go fuck themselves and leave him the hell alone. "Just grab hold of it, and we'll go from there. I don't know exactly how it works either, but we'll figure it out."
For one brief instant she looked at him steadily without moving, and Inuyasha knew she recognized that she held all the cards in this situation. All the power was in her hands, while he had none. She could choose to take that power and walk away from him. Or she could choose to use what he wanted as a bargaining chip to manipulate things the way she wanted them to be. Any other mistress would have done it without a second thought. Inuyasha couldn't help but think of all the cold, selfish women who'd forced him to do their bidding in the past several years; relishing in the power they had over such a handsome, proud man. He could feel their hands on his body, and hear the tone of their voices as they reminded him they could make his life (and the lives of anyone he cared about) miserable if he made an issue out of it or tried to refuse. It had all been about power, and using that power to get what they wanted.
Now, again, his life was in the hands of someone else. A cold shiver of fear ran down his spine, and he realized abruptly this was why he'd not told her about his suspicions. He'd wanted to avoid this exact feeling; it brought back too many awful memories.
Kagome was no fool; she could see that he was troubled, and had a fairly good idea of why. Again she recalled all the half-stories he'd told her, and all the implications he'd made about what he'd suffered over the years, and could only imagine how much he must be hating her position at the moment. She could see the mistrust in his eyes, along with the underlying pain and hurt, and felt her own heart soften all over again. For her, there was no question of what she would do, and after only showing the briefest of hesitations she reached out with her hand and gripped the black shard around his neck.
His face contorted with surprise, but Kagome ignored it. She felt a strange zing run up her arm and wanted to recoil from it, the sensation painful, but as she looked up again and tumbled into that emotional sea of amber, she managed to stand firm mostly out of sheer stubbornness. This man brought out so many emotions in her that she couldn't even keep track; some good, some bad. But at least it was all enough to carry her through the pain in her arm. The only indication that she was experiencing discomfort was the way she winced and paled…but she didn't make a sound.
No one spoke. No one dared to even breathe.
At last Kagome felt the pain slowly start to recede, and in the end there was nothing but vague warmth radiating from her palm. Daring to let go, she peeked at the shard…and everyone around her echoed her gasp as she realized the shard that had once been black was now a stunning shade of pink against her skin.
For his part Inuyasha was stunned, on more levels than he could really count. It was one thing to have suspicions, and another entirely to learn his suspicions were actually correct. Sensations were flooding back into his system he'd not felt in years; his sense of smell heightened, his ears tuned in to the smallest sounds, and suddenly he felt the effects of the cold weather receding too. His muscles loosened, and when he stretched he no longer felt the stiffness he'd felt before. It was an almost instantaneous difference, and he felt free, wanting to turn and run as fast as he could through the fields behind him so as to remember how it had all once been. In that one moment, he felt hope; true hope. It was the first time he'd felt like he had a small semblance of victory, since that day when he and his family had been enslaved. And if he could have this one small thing, what else could he do?
Glancing at Kagome, he knew it was all because of her, and for one instant there was nothing but gratitude shining in his eyes. No hatred or mistrust. No anger or irritation. In that one instant, he stood in awe at her show of courage – taking a risk knowing, if she purified the shard, he could have snapped her neck in two the very moment he had his full strength back – and gratified to realize, yet again, that she could in fact be trusted. Kagome was different from anyone he'd ever known before. She'd had all the power in the world at her disposal; she could have held her abilities hostage until all around her swore she would be safe and protected. But instead she'd handed that power over without a second thought.
Their eyes locked, and Kagome's eyes visibly softened, clearly seeing something in his own expression that enabled her to forgive – somewhat – the confusion and hurt of a few moments ago. Inuyasha felt his heart lurch in his chest in response. "Kagome-"
"Look!" His wonder was short lived, unfortunately, as a woman pointing at the shard interrupted him, and as Inuyasha looked down he realized to his horror it was already starting to once again fade to black. Without Kagome's touch, the dark magic that controlled it was taking over, and Inuyasha could feel his senses growing dull.
Panicking, refusing to return to the muted existence he'd been forced to endure for so long, he looked again at Kagome. "Take it off. Hurry! Take it off of me!" He was back to being impatient and harsh, but the panic he felt was real, and he didn't have time to couch his words in a polite way.
Kagome seemed to obey out of sheer surprise at the urgency in his voice, reaching up and slipping the diamond shard off his neck, the black once again turning pink as she held it in her hand. All around her the slaves exhaled on long, low sounds of awe and surprise as they again saw the 'miracle'. But for her part, she was unsure of what she should do with the shard, and in the end she wrapped the chord and the shard around her wrist for the time being. Still in shock over what she'd managed to do, and clearly the feeling was mutual, since all eyes were now on her in varying degrees of surprise, awe, and intrigue. It left her feeling like a bug in a jar, trapped and about to be poked, prodded, and dissected for the greater good of science. Kagome didn't particularly care for that feeling, and almost immediately forgot about her surprise as instead she returned to feeling the resentment from before; looking at Inuyasha, and trying to ignore the stab of pain that once again pierced straight through her heart.
She was happy she could do such a thing for him…truly she was. The joy she'd seen on his face when the shard first turned pink had been a wondrous thing. But why couldn't he have spoken to her about all of it first in private? Why couldn't he have talked to her about his suspicions, and given her a chance to help him without all the secrets? Without leaving her so utterly blindsided? Why did he have to instead make her feel so…used?
"You have what you want," she whispered. "And I'm glad." But her body language suggested she wasn't entirely honest. Slipping out of his jacket she shoved it at him, and this time didn't give him a chance to put it back on her shoulders; instead turning and walking quickly away, the crowds around her parting without much protest. She knew, of course, it was just another calm before another storm, but she accepted it and took solace in the momentary lull. Ignoring the looks she was receiving; simply needing to get away from it all. Except as she found herself halfway into the fields that might never again fill up with crops, Kagome was forced to acknowledge she had nowhere to go. That thought, more than anything else, was utterly devastating. She didn't want to be reliant or dependent upon anyone; she wanted to be strong enough to make her own way in this new world. But how could she do that when she didn't have a place to start?
The slaves made her nervous, even though she wished it weren't true. Her father's grave was too fresh, and the hatred and mistrust in their eyes too raw. And this revelation Inuyasha had forced her to demonstrate would only keep them at bay for so long before they would undoubtedly start trying to figure out how they could use her for their own benefit.
All that having been said, it would be better for all if she just left…but where? Where could she go?
Again she thought of her grandfather, but had to acknowledge she didn't even known if he was still alive, let alone how to find her way to his home if he was. She had no horses. No means of transportation. No real sense of direction, since she'd hardly left the estate more than a dozen times in her entire life. And while she was willing to be brave and force her way through some tough situations, at the end of the day even she couldn't deny it was a suicide mission to simply set out into the world without food, water, or shelter and hope she ended up in the right place.
Shaking her head, she brought her hands up and rubbed vigorously at her face in an attempt to clear her thoughts; barely able to feel her own fingers on her cheeks, her skin was so numb. She'd never missed her fireplace more, and was already regretting her emotionally driven decision to remove Inuyasha's jacket…not that she'd be asking for it back any time soon. She was far too stubborn for that.
"Kagome!" The voice belonged to Sango, and as Kagome turned she spotted both her friend and Miroku coming towards her.
Walking forward, she met them halfway. "Did you know about this?" She asked almost immediately, the question which had been resting at the forefront of her mind from the first moment Inuyasha had revealed his suspicions, and was relieved when Sango shook her head. It was small, but Kagome was gratified to know at least one person wasn't keeping secrets. Miroku, however, had a look in his eyes that gave him away, and Kagome sighed. "You did though, didn't you?" It shouldn't be surprising; he was Inuyasha's friend.
With a shrug of his shoulders, Miroku nodded his head in acknowledgement of the gentle accusation, and Kagome had to appreciate the fact that he at least didn't try and deny it. "Inuyasha told me about his suspicions just before the fire. He was worried about telling others, because he didn't want them to use you." Violet eyes darted over to look at Sango, searching for something on her face, as he spoke. "He was worried they'd take you as a captive and use you as a tool for their own needs."
It didn't explain why he'd not said a word to her, but Kagome could perhaps understand a little of his rationale. Biting her lip, she looked at the ground as she hugged herself in an attempt to stay warm. "And why isn't he the one here telling me this, if it's true?" Miroku just gave her a steady look, and she laughed, the sound harsh due to her hoarse, worn vocal chords. "Right…he doesn't talk about his feelings much. I've figured that one out. And he doesn't trust women." She shook her head. "I just…I don't like feeling used. I would have helped him, if he'd told me. Now I feel like the only reason he wanted to save me was so I could purify his shard."
"And so what if it was?" Sango's voice was confident and brokered no argument, her expression harshly determined. "I don't care what his motivations were for saving you, Kagome; he did. And if purifying his shard is the only thing you had to do in exchange, then be grateful." Tears welled up in her eyes. "I couldn't stand to lose you."
Kagome felt her own eyes grow damp as she moved towards her friend, the pair embracing for a moment in silent apology for all their arguments and misunderstandings of the past few weeks. Finally pulling back with a sniffle, Kagome blushed. "I'm just being silly."
Miroku regarded her as though trying to decide how much to say, before finally taking the plunge. "You have to understand, Kagome…Inuyasha has no reason to trust anyone. It's not just about you. He's been betrayed and used, and while it's not my place to tell his secrets, suffice it to say it's a miracle he even still talks to me, let alone anyone else." The man shrugged. "And he doesn't even talk to me that much. He's private, in the worst way possible."
For some reason, the way Miroku phrased it brought a smile to Kagome's face…albeit a reluctant one. She could maybe see why Sango was attracted to this man. His eyes were kind, and he seemed willing to accept the world around him as it was and survive. Wisdom. She saw plenty of wisdom too, and beneath all of that she recognized in him a survivor's spirit. Undoubtedly Miroku had his own stories to tell, and it hadn't escaped Kagome's notice that he was very quick to speak about others, but very slow to reveal much about himself.
"What do you think I should do?" She asked at last, and was surprised to realize she was looking right at Miroku. Clearly wanting his opinion. "I don't think I can stay here…"
"You're not thinking of leaving, Kagome," Sango interrupted, with a clear reprimand in her voice. She moved closer as though worried at that very moment Kagome might make a break for the trees.
With exhausted eyes Kagome looked at her friend. "I don't know what else to do, Sango. The slaves don't accept me. They might not ever accept me. And you can't spend all your time hovering to make sure no one tries to slit my throat while I sleep." She meant it mostly as a joke, but even so Kagome felt nausea roll over in her stomach at the thought. One never knew what people were capable of, when angry or afraid. She'd not thought it possible someone could leave a man to burn alive either…but now her father was dead. Everything had changed, and she was rapidly trying to change and evolve too.
"Leaving would be dangerous," Miroku finally replied. His tone gentle but firm, brokering no argument. "You've not been out in that world alone, Kagome. You don't know what you might find. And where would you go?"
"I'd try and find my grandfather."
"But do you know where he lives?" That was the crux of the matter, and Kagome had no response, so she silently shook her head. Miroku continued. "Then I suggest you stay with us. You have a better chance of surviving. No one will harm you; we'll make sure of that."
With a huff Kagome put her hands on her hips. "But I don't want all of you having to 'make sure of that'. Don't you understand how frustrating it is to feel so helpless? To be so dependent on everyone else?"
Sango put a steadying hand on her shoulder. "You came and rescued me once. Or have you forgotten?" Their eyes locked, and both remembered that day. Sango had believed her life was over; she was being sold to Bankotsu, a notoriously cruel man even before the Great Revolution. It was clearly a punishment for her family's defiance, and she'd assumed her death would be inevitable and painful. But then Kagome had come running up the road, waving money in her hand and pleading for her friend's life…and somehow, in the end, she'd managed to save her. Now, Sango's voice was gentle. "I'll help you, like you once helped me. I'll help you learn how to defend yourself. But first we have to come up with a plan, and whatever the plan might be, it does not involve you leaving. Promise me you won't leave, Kagome…right now."
Looking at her friend, in the end Kagome knew she was the loser in this particular argument. "I promise, Sango."
"Good."
Miroku put an arm around Kagome's shoulders, sandwiching her between the two of them, and his eyes were completely serious…but kind. "Come on, then…let's try and find something to eat and-"
"What the hell is going on out here?" The warm bubble that had slowly been building around her burst as Kagome spotted Inuyasha marching towards them, and her eyes hardened as she grit her teeth and refused to speak one word. He seemed to notice, and only got more agitated. "Are you done throwing tantrums, woman? We've started a fire, and you need to get warm."
It was a double-edged sword, really; on the one hand he insulted her, but on the other he showed genuine concern for her wellbeing. All over again Kagome was reminded of why her feelings around this man were so damn complicated. He wasn't consistent or easy to understand, and in the moment she was so exhausted she wasn't sure she had the patience for bipolar behavior. "I wasn't throwing a tantrum," she ground out at last, her pride demanding she defend herself.
Inuyasha snorted. "Seemed pretty dumb to me; taking off my jacket and heading off to who knows where in the dead of winter. You're obviously freezing! You're not accustomed to living like this, you've been pampered your whole life. And this is no time to be stupid."
He was lecturing her like she was a child, and in the end Kagome snapped and broke away from her companions to march forward and jab him in the chest with her finger in accusation. "I am not stupid! I'm sad…scared...lonely…terrified…uncertain…but I. Am. Not. Stupid! And I'm willing to learn whatever I don't know! So stop saying those things, you jerk!"
She continued to poke him until he finally snapped and growled at her, fingers snaring her wrist. "Stop doing that."
"No!" Now she started to swat at him in earnest, and abruptly Inuyasha stopped arguing as instead his arms came around her, holding her close even as the woman continued to pummel his chest with her fists. He knew this was about a lot more than simply him calling her stupid or hurting her feelings; he'd said far worse to Kagome Higurashi in the months since he'd first met her than he'd said just now. This ran deeper. Her emotions were visceral, and he could tell she was in pain. It seemed that finally the shock was wearing off; the unbelievably perfect, ordered control she'd seemed to have up until now fraying at the edges.
Without the diamond shard restricting his demon half, Inuyasha barely felt the punches in a physical sense. But emotionally he felt every single one stab him straight through the heart, particularly when he looked down and saw the anger and grief in her eyes. It was really a no-win situation for Kagome at this point; her father had, in essence, been murdered, and while the actual murderers were gone she was now being asked to coexist with people who were happy to see him dead. She wasn't being permitted the normal, natural grief process. There was little to no understanding from any of the slaves, and while Inuyasha could see things from their perspective quite clearly, he also could see what a tough corner Kagome was being wedged into. She was kind, but she was also passionate; her temper was evidence of that. And to be asked now to restrain her emotions and 'play nice'…well…it wouldn't work forever. It already wasn't working to a certain extent.
Helplessly he looked to Miroku for advice, and was frustrated when the former monk simply shrugged his shoulders in response. This wasn't exactly a situation anyone had much experience with.
"Kagome…" Her body had stilled in his arms, and now she was weeping softly against his chest. It left him uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, but he knew he couldn't push her away. So instead he continued to hold her close, even swaying slightly back and forth in an effort to comfort the grieving woman as he recalled it was something his mother had done for him as a child.
They remained that way for a time, with Miroku and Sango watching and trying to help any way they could. Finally her tears seemed to slow, and she grew quiet in his arms. "Do you know what you have to do now?" He was staring straight ahead as he asked the question, his chin resting atop her head. From that angle thanks to his enhanced senses he could really smell the sweet scent of her hair, buried beneath the overwhelming smell of smoke and fire, and thrilled again over the reminder that the diamond shard was now gone.
So many little things he'd forgotten about…things he'd once been able to do…
Pulling back, Kagome looked at him with her hands on his chest. Absently he noted that the fingers of both his hands could touch where they rested on her back; a reminder of just how small she was. He imagined he could just about wrap his hands entirely around her waist. So small, and so fragile too. She could break in an instant…and yet she hadn't. He had to admire that about her.
Kagome heard his question, and knew the answer almost immediately. She drew strength from the way he was looking at her; knowing this was a man who would find a way to succeed, no matter what. And despite how hurt she'd felt knowing he was keeping secrets, there was still something about this man that inspired her. Something about him that had inspired her from the first moment she'd looked into his eyes.
Lifting her chin, she nodded her head once. "Yes. I know what I have to do." It was a simple answer, but he could tell by the determination in her eyes that she knew exactly what it meant. Stepping out of his arms, she wiped at her cheeks before turning to walk back towards the other slaves, straightening her shoulders as she walked.
Kagome knew exactly what she had to do; she had to survive. Otherwise her father's death…even the death of her mother…would be in vain. Everything would be for nothing if she gave up now. So instead she'd have to find a way to get along, and appease anyone who might hate her or her family name enough to try and harm her. She had to swallow her pride and accept Sango's help and let the others protect her for the time being. And in the meantime, she'd learn how to defend herself so that slowly but surely she could regain her own independence. Because Inuyasha was right about one thing: she didn't know how to live on her own in this strange new world she found herself in. And trying to deny it wouldn't do her any favors in the long run.
Something heavy dropped onto her shoulders, and abruptly Kagome looked over to see Inuyasha walking beside her, his coat heavy and warm from the heat of his body as she slipped her arms into the sleeves. His scent was fast becoming familiar and comforting, and in the end she couldn't seem to repress the slight smile on her face as she looked at him and then looked away again.
He'd not exactly apologized for what he'd done…but Kagome was coming to understand that Inuyasha wasn't a man who apologized anyway. Not in an easy, obvious way. She'd have to learn to read between the lines with him. And yet the fact that he was here now gave her hope. He was such a strong presence; so confident and sure of himself. He'd been that way even before she'd purified the diamond shard, but now he seemed to carry himself with an extra swagger. And he didn't hate her, as she'd feared. That much was clear now; she could see it in his eyes. If he hated her, he wouldn't have come after her. But he had. He'd come to find her, and then held her, and when she'd cried all her tears had gently but firmly shook her back to reality. Even the way he continued to hover now left her feeling warm inside; she could feel his eyes on her almost everywhere she went, even if he said very little. And his jacket felt like a shield to keep out the dangers of the rest of the world. It had carried her through fire. Now it would carry her through the next obstacle.
God only knew what reason he was choosing to side with her and protect her. It still left her feeling confused, and a tendril of ice formed in her belly as she realized it could all still simply be about her ability to purify the diamond shards. But just as quickly the ice melted and reason took over again. He wouldn't have to offer her his jacket, or protect her from the other slaves, if that's all he wanted. And anyway, if all he was after were her abilities, he would have forcefully shoved her towards every demon in the group and had her purify every shard the moment he confirmed his suspicions about what she could do. Instead he seemed to be shielding her from them, so she could retain some sense of control. Moreover, Miroku had insisted part of the reason Inuyasha hadn't said a word was because he'd not wanted others to take advantage of her.
In the end, Kagome chose to believe in the good things she saw. Chose to latch onto the hope he offered. She chose to see the best in this man, because what other choice did she have? At the moment, he was her only hope…and likewise, it was becoming clear that she was his.