Sorry for the delay. I've been working everyday in the lead up to Christmas. I also got a new puppy and had to go to a funeral. And my uncle died of a heroin overdose. But I'm still here guys! This is a real serious chapter so some warnings... drug abuse, mentions of death, mentions of depressive thoughts and mentions of suicidal thoughts
Enjoy and let me know what you think. If you're enjoying the story, if you're not, if you have any ideas, if you have any questions etc. etc. leave a review
Thanks and peace out
"If you could run away to any place, where would you go?" Santana asked as she ran her finger up and down Brittany's arm. It had been a week since they had woken up together and since then, they had seen each other nearly every day. They couldn't get enough of each other and Santana realised quickly that she didn't want to go a day without some form of interaction with the blonde.
They were currently lying on Santana's couch, the movie they put in long forgotten as they cuddled together. Brittany hummed and squeezed Santana even closer to her. "Where would you go?"
"Britt! That's not fair! I asked you first. Ugh fine, I guess, maybe Tokyo?"
"Tokyo? That's a very odd choice. I never would have guessed. Care to explain?" Brittany starting swirling her fingertip along Santana's stomach, revelling in the skin to skin contact.
"Well, if I'm running away, I would like a fresh start, and I guess Tokyo would be completely fresh. New language, new place, new faces. And it's a busy city, I could get lost every day." Brittany narrowed her eyes slightly at the Latina and chuckled.
Santana turned her head. "What?"
Brittany grinned at the girl looking up at her and shook her head. "Oh nothing, you were just very convincing that's all. But you can't fool me Lopez; I saw that collection of Pokémon games and DVDs hidden in the TV cabinet. You just want to see Pikachu don't you?"
Santana scoffed and hid her face in Brittany's arms. "That little yellow fucker is really cute, ok? Don't judge me blondie."
Brittany kissed Santana's head and lifted her face so that they were eye to eye. "I wouldn't dream of it Santana Lopez."
They both stared at each other for a beat before their lips slid against each other, gripping and puckering. Brittany held Santana as close as possible as she slid her tongue in and stroked the brunette's upper mouth and tongue. It always amazed the two how well they fit together when they kissed. It was like a choreographed dance and they were the two stars of the show.
Santana ran her hands along Brittany's back and held her ass, resting her hands there. Neither girl had discussed it, but they felt like they needed to wait before anything went further between the two. The only time they had slept together, it was before they knew that they could be so enamoured with each other. The first time was carnal and Brittany wanted it to be special and to show Santana how much she meant to her.
Santana broke the kiss and rested her forehead on the bartender's neck, softly kissing there.
"I should get going; I need to help my friend at his dance studio before I head to work" Santana groaned as Brittany got up and shrugged on her jacket. Santana grabbed the girl's beanie and placed it on her head, kissing her on the lips as she did.
They walked to Santana's door and pecked each other a few times.
"So B, you never answered my question. Where would you run to?"
Brittany sighed, she didn't want to answer this, but wanted to be completely honest. "I don't think it would make much difference" Brittany opened the door and stepped outside; she turned and kissed Santana once more before turning to leave.
"Why B?" Santana called out after her.
Brittany tilted her head. "Because there's only one thing I'd run away from, and it would follow me wherever I went. I've been running for three years and it still hasn't given up."
Brittany walked down the corridor without looking back at Santana who was frozen to the spot. She had a sense of dread fill her up but couldn't understand why when she didn't really understand what Brittany had said. Or what the girl was running away from. Santana felt nervous and scared and she didn't like it, not one bit.
The beat of music vibrated through the walls and pulsated down Brittany's bones. She twirled and whirled and danced to the music flowing through the speakers at Matt's studio. She tried to forget what she had told Santana earlier but it's all she could think about. She half regretted saying anything, knowing the Latina would want to know what she was going on about. But at the same time, she felt a little bit lighter letting the girl know that there was indeed something she was running from.
She felt herself shake a little as her insides rattled. A sure sign that she needed a hit before she started vomiting. She hadn't taken anything since yesterday after she had seen Santana. She had rifled through her shoes and found a few valium pills. She was always fascinated as to how her body would change once she took something. It used to be one or two substances but now she could pretty much take anything. Which she thought was a good thing as then she would at least always be able to get high on something.
She sighed as the music stopped and looked at the mirror, seeing Matt behind her.
"Hey B, nice moves. I have a class in a few, you're welcome to join or watch if you want?"
Brittany grabbed her stuff and made her way to the door. "No thanks Matt, got places to be, maybe next time."
She swept out of the door and grabbed her phone, unlocking it and checking her messages.
B are you ok? Call me tonight maybe? Xx
Brittany sighed and looked at the next message
Just a little worried about how you left. I can't wait to see you again xx
Brittany closed her eyes. She knew Santana would have questions. She never should have said anything, and now she felt cornered. She didn't want to explain anything and didn't feel like she had to anyway. She swallowed the bile building up in her mouth and created a new message.
Hey, in town, need some stuff. I'll be at your garage in ten.
Hunter better be there.
Quinn walked into her apartment after classes and looked at the scene in front of her. She smiled a little and sat down at the table to join her roommate. She picked up a colouring pencil and started to colour in the hearts Santana had been drawing on her notepad.
"So I take it you've seen Brittany again today?"
Santana smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she was a little strange though when she left, like she acted a little weird. And she hasn't texted me back."
"Don't do that San. Don't try and find things. Brittany really likes you, I can tell. Just stop worrying about the little things."
"Maybe you're right. Are you working tonight?"
Quinn nodded and grabbed a pink pencil. "Yep. I get to see Puck; I'll talk to Brittany as well, see if she's ok."
Santana nodded, grateful that her friend knew exactly what to do. She hoped she hadn't annoyed Brittany with the texts but she was just a little worried. She desperately wanted to know everything about the girl and wanted to know why she had been cryptic earlier.
"Thanks Q. Be safe tonight, you let me know when you finish ok?" Santana got up and kissed her friend on the head, heading to her room.
"3…2…1…GO!" Two blonde heads snorted two lines each as they raced to finish first. They both came up and took three shots before whooping and high fiving.
"Alright trouty! I call tie, I'll win next time." Brittany chuckled as she wiped the remaining cocaine residue on her gums.
Sam laughed and put his t-shirt on. "So how's Santana?"
Brittany rolled her eyes. She hadn't texted the girl back. She didn't know what to say, she felt trapped and wanted to leave it, hoping the Latina would get the message and not ask questions. "Fine, she's nice, I like her. How's 'cedes? You two done the deed yet?"
"No, she wants to wait a while, does Santana know about your extra-curricular activities?"
Brittany snorted. "She caught me once. But it's not like this thing is really an activity. It's the same as doing anything to deal with yourself. It'll be fine soon; it's just to tide me over."
Sam rolled his eyes. He had heard that excuse ever since he knew the girl. Not that he cared really why she did it, she was his friend and it wasn't his business.
Brittany continued on. "Anyway, I think she's going to start asking questions soon and I just can't deal with that right now. God why does everything have to be so complicated?"
Sam poured to shots and handed one to his friend. "I hear you sister. Ready to tear this place down?"
Brittany slammed her shot, feeling the full effects of her drug taking. "Let's do this."
Quinn served the last gentleman before taking her ten minute break. She walked up to Kurt, who as cleaning glasses and smiled as he passed her some water.
"Is Brittany working the basement tonight?"
"Yeah, it's the last Saturday of the month. This place does a special event where all drinks are like half price and usually the wild crowd takes over the basement. The bartenders have to be on top of their game and there is no one like Brittany. Puck will for sure put her down there tonight."
Quinn nodded and walked down the back staircase; she heard thunderous music and bopped her head along slightly to the song. Santana loved this song, Bangarang by Skrillex. She wasn't as in to this sort of thing but maybe with a few drinks in her. She came to the doorway of the basement and took in the scene.
All of the men in the room had their shirts off and actually, most of the women did too. She saw Sam pouring bottles of alcohol into the waiting mouths of the people below, like a mother bird feeding her babies. She spotted two people crowd surfing as she made her way to the front.
She noticed Brittany, in just her bra and short shorts pulling up topless girls and boys onto the bar. She started dancing wildly when the beat dropped and Quinn frowned as the blonde starting grinding on the customers.
Quinn tapped Brittany's legs, who looked down and smiled wildly. She hopped off the bar and hugged Quinn tightly. "Quinn! Hey hey hey!" Brittany slurred her words slightly, her eyes glassy and grin sloppy.
"Brittany. What are you doing? Are you drunk? If San saw you… "
Brittany sighed dramatically. "Quinn it's madness night, I'm doing my job. And yes slightly drunk. Lastly, Santana knows that this is my job; she knows that this doesn't mean a thing so seriously stop. You're not my mother."
"No, I'm just your girlfriend's sister."
"Yeah and I haven't done anything wrong. Jesus fuck what is it today with people and them questioning me. Can't everybody just leave me alone for two seconds?" Brittany cried out. Her head was banging and she just needed to be left alone.
Quinn put her hands up. "Fine. I'm sorry; I misunderstood what was going on. If you see Puck, tell him to come see me. See you later Brittany."
Brittany watched Quinn walk back up the stairs. She heaved a sigh and went to the back room to finish off the baggie that Hunter had given her earlier. She couldn't help but think that everything was much easier when she isolated herself away from everyone.
Puck groaned as he exhaled a puff. He passed the joint onto Finn. It had been a long night at the club and all three of them had just woken up, it was 4pm and they all had the day off tonight and tomorrow. Thank God.
"I want to see her today."
Puck and Finn looked over to Brittany, who was staring into space. She took a drag of the joint Finn had just passed to her.
"Ok." Puck nodded and rose from his seat. Brittany got up two and the pair walked back inside, leaving Finn staring at the buildings in front of him. He never even realised they had left.
Puck and Brittany wrapped up and walked down to Puck's car. The two hadn't spoken since they had woken up. No words were really needed between the two; they drove silently and stopped when they reached the destination.
Brittany sighed heavily and Puck internally shook. He knew that whenever Brittany came here, she always spiralled that little bit more and he didn't want to have that happen again. But he knew she was better off coming with him instead of on her own. He took his seatbelt off but made no move to get out of the car. He would wait and watch, making sure to catch his friend if she fell.
Brittany grabbed the door handle and swung it open. She climbed out and breathed in the air.
She watched, row upon row of the same sight. Each one merging into the other, she never knew who these people were. It didn't matter who they were, not to her. It mattered to someone though and as she stopped walking and faced the same grey stone as the last, she realised that this tombstone didn't matter to a lot of people. This tombstone that had shaped the last three years of her life, that had made her question and wonder if life was really worth it all, didn't matter to others.
She had never felt so small.
She gazed upon the stone and read the writing. She could cite it word for word.
Her age, her birthdate, her death date, who she was to other people, to Brittany.
Brittany sunk to her knees and sobbed. It hadn't gotten easier in the last three years. She cried for Daisy. For who she was, and who she never would become.
She opened her eyes and noticed the fresh bouquet of daisies left by the stone. She cried even harder, the only link she had left to them was this.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
Puck had driven her back after two hours at the cemetery. Brittany hadn't spoken a word or shed a single tear after she got back in the car. Puck was getting really worried, there was so much at stake and he felt like he was aging every minute spent in this car. The atmosphere around the blonde was getting tenser every day and he was worried that soon, it would all blow up in front of them. He analysed his friend and noticed how sallow her skin was, how dark the rings around her eyes were and how limp and lifeless her hair had become. It was as if she was slowly deteriorating before his eyes.
Brittany looked down as her phone vibrated.
Hey B, was thinking you, me, your apartment and some ice cream? Around dinnertime? Xx
Brittany smiled slightly. She felt a little bad for ignoring the girl but it seemed as if Santana wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. She shakily sighed and texted back the girl. She really did want to see her.
Sounds good baby xx
She put her phone back and held her hand up. It shook violently and she clenched a fist before Puck could notice. She could feel what was left of her heart disintegrating in her chest as the tombstone was burned into her mind and feared that even being with Santana wouldn't completely let her forget. She hovered her finger of one contact, the one person that could maybe help her and contemplated the decision she had to make.
She sent off a text before she could change her mind and closed her eyes. She was getting dizzy and needed a reply quickly.
She turned to Puck. "Santana is coming over tonight."
Puck smiled slightly; glad that his friend would have the Latina girl there. "Cool, I'll make myself scarce."
Brittany nodded and ran her shaky hands through her hair. She got out as Puck parked and walked up the stairs, leaving the door ajar. She hopped in the shower, taking her phone into the bathroom with her and got ready for meeting Santana tonight. She washed her hair and did her make-up, all the while thinking of Daisy and the fresh bouquet there.
She felt like she was going in circles, one minute she was doing okay and then something would happen and all she could think about was her memories, her nightmares, her family, Daisy and then ultimately, the only cure for it all, drugs.
She ran into Puck's room and took the bottle of vodka there, swigging at it as she came back to the bathroom. She took gulps as she finished off her make-up and dried her hair. Everytime her mind would go dark, she would take a drink. Like a fucked up college drinking game.
She grabbed her phone as it buzzed.
Come mine in an hour. Price has gone up.
Brittany growled as she counted how much she had in her savings. It wasn't enough. She sighed and took three gulps of the vodka. She felt vomit sit in her chest as she thought of what she would have to do tonight. She knew she had to be quick, before Santana was here.
She was doing this for Santana. She didn't want the Latina to have to deal with her mopy, depressing behaviour. If she acted like that, she would for sure lose the girl. She was also doing this for herself. Because she just wanted to forget and feel happy again. She groaned as she stood, getting her bearings as the alcohol flowed through her veins. She made her way out of the apartment and towards the familiar garage.
Santana flitted around the apartment as she put the final touches to her outfit. She looked at the containers of Mac n Cheese she had made, knowing that the blonde loved it. She checked her hair for the fifth time and grabbed everything she needed. She felt more nervous to see Brittany than usual. She felt like they were getting somewhere and maybe tonight would be the night they would maybe establish a definitive relationship. Quinn already thought they were girlfriends but honestly, Santana wasn't really sure what they were either.
She looked down at the bouquet of lilies she had bought earlier and grinned. She didn't even care that she was losing badass points.
"Jesus Brittany, you're looking more sickly than ever. Get some meat on those bones girl." Brittany grimaced as Hunter grabbed her arm and squeezed. His yellowing teeth and sickly skin made him look more haggard than ever. She felt exactly how he looked.
"So, you got the stuff?" Brittany asked. She was in a hurry and needed it now.
"Yep," Hunter grinned "payment first or medication first?"
Brittany took off her jacket and rolled her t-shirt sleeves up to her shoulders.
"Medication."
Hunter grabbed the needle and patted the seat next to him. "Alrighty then."
Santana knocked twice on the door and waited. Shifting from one foot to the other. She smiled as Puck opened the door and greeted the man.
"Hey San, B just texted me and said she had a last minute thing to quickly do before she would be back, so if you just want to wait in the living room, that's cool."
Santana checked her phone for any missed calls or texts from the blonde, finding nothing, she shrugged and agreed. She walked into the apartment and sat down on the couch, accepting the beer Puck had offered and getting into the game on the TV. She was glad to have some time to calm her nerves a little before she saw her B.
Brittany was flying. She was sure of it. She had never felt so good, lying on her back, on a dingy mattress as she felt her heart soar. She started laughing uncontrollably before trying to check the time on her phone. She couldn't read the time so looked up to see Hunter tidying away.
"Wha…time?" She could only manage to slur those words out.
"You've been here two hours. You need to pay me in a minute."
Brittany felt like she should be worried about being there so long. She was sure she had to get back soon, before Santana would be there. Or was she already there? Or what time was she meant to be there? Brittany couldn't really remember, all she felt was intense happiness, which rose as she thought of her Latina. She felt those plump lips on her own, her smooth skin, the way she smiled, her eyes.
Brittany sighed happily. This was a good idea. She would be in a good mood for San now.
She sat up slowly as Hunter moved in front of her. He had taken his trousers off and was standing only in his underwear.
"Time to pay up Pierce."
Brittany nodded and grabbed his underwear, pulling down and rubbing her hands up and down Hunter's thighs. She grabbed his hard dick and started rubbing up and down, thumbing the head and slit. She swallowed and tried to wet her mouth. She grabbed his balls and massaged with one hand and stroked him with the other whilst she put the head in her mouth and swirled her tongue around.
She could hear Hunter hiss at the contact whilst he thrust into her mouth, not caring that he was basically forcing his dick further down into her throat. She choked a little before pushing back. She knew what he liked and wanted to get this over with so she could be back at home with her San. She massaged his balls more and tightened her mouth over his head.
Hunter started to thrust more and his breathing became heavier. Brittany put her fingers on the space between his balls and his ass and pushed, massaging slightly. She felt the area pulsate and readied herself for the load that was shot into her mouth, he never did warn her.
She spat out as Hunter moaned lightly, falling back onto the mattress and putting his arm over his eyes.
Santana stared at the clock. Her heart was breaking more and more as the minutes ticked by and she had finished her bottle of beer. It had been an hour and a half since she had been there and neither she or Puck had received a reply for their many texts. She wanted to give the blonde the benefit of the doubt after 45 minutes but now, now she was just devastated. She had been stood up by the one girl that meant so much more to her than anyone else.
Puck looked over and shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry San. I should've asked when she would be back."
"It's not your fault Puck. I'm just gonna go. I'll leave the flowers here, you can have the mac n cheese too. Just heat it up."
Puck nodded and walked Santana to the door. He was so pissed with his friend right now that he didn't really want to see her.
Santana nodded her thanks to the man and walked down the stairs, as silent tears dripped down her cheeks. Her heart had shattered into a thousand pieces.
Brittany stumbled back to her apartment. She had left as soon as Hunter had cum and was looking forward to seeing Santana. She could feel herself slowly coming down and felt a bit worse for wear. From past experiences, she knew tomorrow she would feel like absolute shit and would have to make sure she collected an early pay check from Puck so she could get herself back up on that high.
She made her way to the door and stumbled a bit as she slid the key in and opened. She walked through to the living area and saw a bouquet of lilies on the table. She smiled slightly and sniffed.
"Those are from Santana. As is the food I just ate. Where the fuck have you been?"
Brittany startled and turned around, facing Puck who was glaring at her.
"Out. Santana's here? She in the bathroom?"
Brittany made to go to the bathroom but was stopped as Puck stood in front of her.
"She's gone B. She's been gone for two hours now. She waited for you forever. And you stood her up. B look at me."
Brittany looked at Puck as she tried to take in what he was saying. Santana was here, and now she's gone? She missed her?
"You're fucking high aren't you? You look like shit, you smell even worse and you can't even focus on me for two seconds. Is that where you were. Shooting shit up your veins, let me see."
Puck grabbed Brittany's arms as she thrashed and tried to get out of his grip. He pulled her sleeve up and took in the marks he saw. His fingers ghosting over them. He let her go harshly.
"You don't deserve her. She deserves so much better. And you've just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you. For what? So you could feel good for ten minutes before you feel even worse than before. So you could blow all the money you've just earned. So you could alienate every person that's ever given a shit about you. It wasn't your fault, what happened three years ago, but now, now it's your fault."
Puck stormed out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him. Brittany let out a sob as tears seeped out of her eyes. The high she had experienced was long gone and now she felt even lower. If there was a rock bottom, she was below that, below the pits of hell. She replayed every cutting word Puck had just given her. Every organ, bone, molecule in her body was exploding and shattering her. Her body was destroying her from the inside out and she could only sit there as it did.
She got up and walked into Finn's bedroom, stealing the tequila bottle he had there. She then went to her box in the cupboard and pulled it out. She emptied every pill in there and sorted them. She couldn't cope with this despair, she wanted it to stop. She needed everything to stop, for just a second.
She took the first handful of pills and washed it down with the tequila. She grimaced and let out a few more sobs that racked her body.
"I'm sorry Daisy."
Swig
"I'm sorry Mom, Dad."
Swig
"I'm sorry Puck, Finn."
Swig, second batch of pills
"I'm so sorry Santana." Brittany choked out.
She wiped her tears away as she rocked slowly. She just wanted this anguish to be gone, to be over. This was the only way she knew how.
She laid on her back and thought back to how she came to be. From a great dancer and beloved student, to homeless and alone, to bartender and drug addict.
She opened her eyes. She needed drugs to survive, to get through the days and what she once thought was her best friend, had destroyed everything she had left.
She was a drug addict.
She wept even more as her stomach churned, aching. She held it and gripped tightly. Her vision blurred slightly and could feel her breathing pick up which had become raggedy. She breathed deeper, trying to get air into her lungs, but it felt like something was blocking her from doing so.
She gripped her stomach tighter as pain ripped through. She opened her mouth as vomit came rushing up her throat. She heaved and heaved, trying to expel everything, hoping this would ease the pain.
Her body heated up as she started to sweat profusely. Yet inside, she felt ice cold. Like chilled. Her whole body shook as she vomited once more. She could see spots in her vision as she lowered her head into the pool of vomit and tried to breathe deeply.
The blackness that had started out in her heart three years ago and had creeped all the way through her body had plagued her vision, it's final destination as she closed her eyes and exhaled one last time.
She never even saw the two pairs of feet that had rushed towards her, or her name being screamed out of their mouths.