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*****A/N: I get an episode of Rookie Blue tonight, so I thought I'd share a chapter!
Hope its worth leaving a review...
Chapter 11- I'd give up Forever
Andy watched as Sam began biting the inside of his cheek, a clear sign of frustration and the fact that he was really trying to bite back his words- literally.
She was standing so close that Sam could smell the scent of her shampoo, not really a good thing right now.
"Were you even gonna tell me Sam? Or are you so disgusted by what I did that you feel the need to run? And hide? You should grow a pair Sam!". Andy was yelling by this point, not caring that the next door neighbour stuck her head out into the hallway to get a better view of the commotion.
Sam pushed off the doorframe and yanked Andy into the apartment, out of sight from prying eyes, before slamming the door.
"That's what you think?". Sam tried to contain his temper, more towards himself than her.
He knew this is how she would read his actions, and yet he left her to believe what she saw.
"Yeah Sam I do, I told you what I did, and I don't blame you for really hating me right now, but not having the guts to face me? That's a new one for bad-ass Swarek isn't it?"
Andy's voice was still carrying a few octaves too loud, but right now, she was past caring.
"Andy...I don't hate you, okay, I don't think that's even possible, so thanks for dropping by". Sam said holding the door open.
Andy stood rooted to the spot, daring him to make her leave.
Sam watched her defy him, before closing the door. This was not gonna end well, and it seemed there was no way of getting out of it.
"Then why does everyone else know you're leaving? Why couldn't you tell me Sam?".
Her tone slipped a little, as he watched the hurt cast through her eyes, automatic reruns playing through his mind of the many times he had done this exact same thing in the past.
"Because it has nothing to do with you Andy, because I screwed up from the very beginning, and now its the only option there is...".
"Bullshit Sam! That's crap and you know it. There are always other ways. Why you? Why now? Is it because I made a mistake? Because I screwed up and killed your dad? Because for the two months after it happened, before I came back, everytime I closed my eyes it was like watching you die, watching me shoot you? And knowing I'll have to come back and face you after what I did? Well guess what, I still see it Sam, its still there, I'm always gonna see it no matter how many times I close my eyes, for as long as I live I'm gonna watch the..."
"Because I don't have a choice Andy, because this is how its gonna happen no matter what other option there might be, its not gonna happen, this is my choice, my decision, I can't let you...".
Sam's temper slipped as he raised his voice once again. He had never been one to loose his temper unprovoked, and at a woman no less, but he was so pissed with himself that his fuse burned at both ends until they met in the middle, causing an explosion to go off without him even realizing he had let the truth almost slip out.
"Let me what Sam?". Andy watched as Sam pinched his eyes closed and let out a long sigh, before it turned into a dry chuckle.
She had him so wrapped around her finger that she would be able to drag his most kept secrets out of him, with only the slightest wiggle of said finger.
Sam felt the air around him shift as Andy stepped closer, but refusing to open his eyes coz he knew what her face would look like. And this time he wouldn't hold back. He wouldn't be able to.
"Andy...nothing, okay? Let's just drop it".
"No, you started this, you tried to be a friend, when I shut you down, but you kept trying. This is me doing the same thing, this is what i should have done when you shut me down after Jerry...".
She was right, again.
He had shut her down and shut her out when Jerry died, when she was torn in two between being there for him and Nash.
She had tried to comfort him, but he wouldn't let her, couldn't let her. She was getting to close, and when he was faced with the reality of how dependent he was on her being in his life, so he backed off.
He backed off so hard that they both stumbled and fell.
Their lives the way there were now, that was his fault. If he hadn't pushed her away, she wouldn't have left, she wouldn't have to live with the regret she had for killing his dad, and they wouldn't be here like this now, with him almost ready to leave.
Instead he probably would have kept holding her back, holding her too tightly until she retaliated and they drifted apart.
Either way, it ended the same.
"Andy, stop...please?".
"No Sam, not until you tell me why you couldn't tell me that you were going".
She was relentless.
Assaulting his senses with her lingering so close, his eyes still unable to see her, but he could feel her warm breath sweep over his face, her voice pleading.
"Because... it was you, or me".
There he said it, this time not keeping the truth from her, she would eventually find out anyway, might as well let her take her anger out where it should be directed, the source- himself.
"What?".
Sam didn't have to open his eyes to see that she recoiled in shock and horror at his words, he felt it as the warm air in front of him shifted as a breeze washed over him.
Brazenly opening his eyes, he saw her eyes staring at him, filled with ...nothing?
He expected tears, anger, hurt maybe?
She seemed to zone out, her eyes staring at him blankly as she took a few steps back until she reached the back of the couch and couldn't move any further.
Sarah's words echoed in her mind, 'you have no idea what he'd do for you' before they changed into Oliver's voice telling her to not back down, no matter what Sam told her.
Blinking a few times, Andy noticed that Sam was wearing the same expression he was the night he dumped her
"No...I...you...I don't even know what you're saying right now". Andy was shaking her head unable to wrap her mind around what he had just said.
"Sally wanted you, and I said no. I traded off coz I...can't let you do that. Okay that what you wanna hear? And trust me it has nothing to with the fact that I don't think you're capable...".
Sam's voice drowned out as the words 'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue' ran through her mind. Sarah had said that Sam told her she would understand them.
"I know". Andy's sudden fighting spirit suddenly flickered before the flame went out.
Sam just looked at her, as though her reaction was unexpected.
"'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue'. Sarah said that you said I'd understand, well I get it now". Andy was suddenly looking everywhere but at Sam.
"Sarah? My sister Sarah?".
"Yeah Sam, how many Sarah's do we both know?".
Sam's stupid question seemed to bring back the spark to light her fierce side.
"Sorry". She added as she saw him visibly flinch.
"I just don't get why you told everyone, but not me Sam. I thought you wanted us to be friends, we were partners Sam, what happened to always having your partners back?".
Andy was ready for another round of verbal wrestling, she still needed to try and understand.
"Well that worked out well for us didn't it, being friends? And we haven't been partners in over a year Andy, that changes things, but this...this is me having you're back".
"If we weren't partners, then what were we Sam?".
There was that look again, the one that told him she was barely holding it together, holding on from crumbling, but she was fighting it with everything she had in her.
"Andy...".
"Say it Sam!".
Okay, so the look changed, she was just pissed now.
Again.
Andy moved forwards towards Sam again, causing him to back away. She was actually really scary in the moment, he had never seen her so determined, so spurred on.
"Say it!".
Crap! She wanted the truth, and she wanted the words to hear, but was she really ready for them?
Did she want them badly enough, that she would understand when she heard them?
Andy heard Sam mumble something incoherently as she stepped closer when he finally stopped backing away.
"What? Say it Sam, tell me what we were then if we didn't do the friends thing well, and we weren't partners...".
"More, its always been more".
Sam snapped.
Why was this so damned hard?
He had already told her exactly how he feels, by using the three most important words, at the worst time, and he had tried to say it a second time, but she stopped him, so why the hell was it so hard for him to say it and for her to hear it?
"Do you get it now Mcnally? Why its so damned hard? Why I can't let you go? Why I traded out with you and didn't want you to know? Why I need to stay away from you, why I'm here instead of at my house? Can you see why I'm trying to stay away?". Sam looked her right in the eye and let the words free themselves.
He was not loving the pain he was living, so maybe telling her everything would be the only thing left to do.
Andy was stunned by Sam's admission. She thought that somewhere along the lines Sam's love just wasn't there anymore, or that hers wasn't enough for him. When he told her he loved her, she thought that it was the guilt talking.
But now...now...
Andy shook her head, clearing out every thought that raced into her mind at the same time, overloading her brain completely.
"Because I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. I can't be around you and not want to touch you, I can't go to sleep and know you're not gonna be there when I wake up, I can't be in the same room as you and be on the other side, and I can't do this and leave again".
Sam suddenly found the floor really interesting.
This was hard, opening up and talking, but he figured she deserved to know the truth, maybe it would make it easier on her when he left.
"Then don't". Andy whispered.
"Andy, there is no way I can't go okay, if I don't she will come for you, and that...is not an option".
"Sam, I get that you're trying to protect me, but its not you're choice, you don't have to do this, Sarah, you have to stay for Sarah and her boys, you're all they have left now".
"Sarah understands".
"No! You have to walk away on this one Sam. Its not you're job to protect me anymore, I'm not you're responsibility, and I'm not made of glass, I won't break...".
"And if you die because no-one had you're back? If things go south and you don't make it? If you come back hooked on a little more than adrenaline? No way Mcnally, this is the way its gonna happen".
"Why Sam? Why not stay and let me take it? It won't be forever".
Andy's voice was raising again, her temper flaring.
"Because I can't loose you". Sam yelled back through clenched teeth, without thinking.
"But walking away? That's the same thing, and you're so damned good at doing it!". Andy matched his outburst with one of her own.
"But you'll be here, and you'll be alive, and that is worth more than me staying".
"And you won't be, or you're never coming back, are you?".
With those words, her tears finally made their appearance as her strong front faded away.
She just couldn't keep it up anymore, not when it was ripping her heart out.
Sam let out a huff as he though over words to sooth her.
"Are you?". She whispered, her voice cracking before her words were done.
Sam shook his head indicating that she was right, he wasn't coming back.
"Its a permanent transfer..."
His words caused Andy to let out an involuntary whimper.
"Sam...you...I can go, I can do it...".
Sam turned and walked away before her words were done, grabbing something from the kitchen counter to thrust it towards her.
"That is my ticket Mcnally, my name is on it and my name will stay on it. You will stay and that's the end of this conversation". Sam said waiving his plane ticket in front of her.
He found it slipped in under the door, Sally attaching a note that read; 'Don't miss your flight, or I will be back'.
She looked away, unable to see the evidence that really made this a reality.
Just as Sam took a step out of her personal space she looked back towards him before sighing out one word, one syllable that showed defeat. "When?".
"Sunday".
"Then give me the week".
"What?". Hadn't she been paying attention when he said that they couldn't do this?
"Give me the week, I...just want the week".
"What does that even mean?". Sam wasn't completely sure of exactly what she wanted the week for.
"No hiding away Sam, if I want to call you, answer the phone. If I come over, let me in, if I want to talk don't shut me out. I want the week".
Sam stared at Andy, his mouth fluttering open to say something before he jammed it closed and let his jaw clench.
"Sam, please, I know I've asked for a lot in the past, but give me the week". Her voice was pleading. Again.
"Andy, I...no, I'm sorry I can't...".
"Can't or won't Sam?".
"Can't Andy, I'm leaving on Sunday, that's five days away, I can't do this and walk away again".
He couldn't, he really didn't have it in him.
"Sam...you could just be honest and say that you don't want me...".
Andy put her head down as she moved to walk past Sam, forgetting the fight she had in her minutes ago, forgetting what she needed to say and what she wanted to say.
Sam's hand stopped her as it closed gently around her arm as she moved in next to him making for the door.
Sam had every intention of letting words fill his lips, but looking at her, and seeing the doubt on her face, he let the words hang back as he leaned in resting his forehead against hers.
Every fiber of his body wanted to lean in a little closer and just let his lips find hers, but he knew that was what had him feeling like this in the first place, being reminded what it felt like, feeling what it felt like, tasting what they tasted like.
Andy let her eyes stay cast downwards, unable to look at Sam right now. She had no idea why he stopped her from leaving, when he was leaving soon.
"Don't Andy, just don't okay?".
"Don't what Sam? Feel the rejection? Feel like I'm not worth it?".
She was whispering to her feet, but she knew he heard her loud and clear.
Sam moved Andy back just a fraction, so that he could lift her head to look at him before leaning in to brush his nose against hers in the familiar motion that he had only ever done to her, only ever reserved for her.
"I would give up forever to touch you, give up today to hold your hand, tomorrow to kiss your lips, the day after that to wake up next to you, but I can't have it today and its gone tomorrow"
Andy found herself smiling, even though he had said something so heart wrenching.
Sam watched as the familiar tug on her lips started, before the pink tint began to rise up her neck, before finding its resting place on her cheeks.
His heart rate picked up dramatically, whether from her warm skin under his hands, or her breath against his lips, or the fact that her smile and a light hint of a blush were making an appearance he wasn't sure, but just having her there, like this was enough to make him ache for more, like this, here, now just wasn't enough.
Andy held her breath when he turned her head up to face him, she was almost expecting him to try to steal a kiss, and found herself disappointed when she felt his head lean in and rest against the top of hers.
The look on his face told her that her words stung.
Listening to his words whispered against her skin, she felt the tears that threatened to slide free of her eyes finally make their way down her cheeks. The ones that she was fighting her hardest to keep at bay.
Even though she felt her lips tug up and the heat rush through her face, she felt the most euphoric sense settle in on her as she stood here, him so close.
Sam noticed the tears, and moved his hand up to let his thumb brush them away. This was why he wanted to stay away, to stop her tears from being formed by him, his words or his actions.
Andy closed her eyes, leaning into Sam's hand as it came to rest on her cheek.
"Andy, don't...".
She felt Sam stiffen at her innocent action, she really just wanted to feel.
Feel him, feel something, other than the sadness, the emptiness, the hurt.
Andy's eyes flew open to see Sam's mirror hers, before she lifted her hands to his face and pulled him forwards.
Her kiss was fierce, her lips demanding, her breath desperate.
Her sudden actions reminded Sam of the night of the blackout.
His reaction mirroring his reaction of that night too.
His brain was delayed, sudden unexpected shock allowing it to freeze up completely.
But his lips...his lips had a mind of their own as they responded of their own accord.
Sam could taste the feint tinge of coffee on her lips, mingled with something purely Andy.
He felt the sudden drop of wetness as it dripped down onto his hand that now firmly held her face from pulling away despite his reluctance to let her get this close.
Pulling away Sam saw the tear streaks down her cheeks as she kept her eyes closed, hers hidden away from his.
"Andy...".
"Don't say a word Sam!". Her voice was low, but held the warning on a jagged edge.
"Not even stay?".
Andy's eyes flew open to see Sam wearing his dimples, his eyes trying to hide their amusement.
"Would you really?".
Andy whispered as she looked away, too late to take back the uttered words.
"Really what?". Sam said pulling her in to be enveloped in his arms, her head resting against his chest.
"Give up forever?".
Sam sighed, she really had no idea.
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Jelly Bean Jenna©