CHAPTER XI
"Are you trying to run away? Cause if you are you should try moving faster" A voice distracted Lexie from her walking. Right after what happened at the BAU, she just took off, and she didn't know what else to do after causing some drama in there.
"Hotch? What're you doing here?" Lexie looked at Hotch who's inside one of the FBI SUVs driving it slowly at her pace.
"Escorting you. It's dangerous for a girl like you to be walking alone at this hour. You look vulnerable, most abduction cases we've handled usually involves runaway teens. So I'm just making sure you're safe. No one would bother to get you with an FBI vehicle at your side."
Lexie frowned at Hotch.
"I didn't know you have humor. And I'm not running away. I just want to think." the teen says.
Hotch reached out to open the passenger side, "Get in"
Lexie just looked at Hotch and then slowly hopped in the vehicle.
"Where are we going?" she asks.
"Think" Hotch tells her.
"I never held her." Emily blurts suddenly.
Everyone looked at her. After Rebecca left, they gathered in the BAU conference room.
"I never held Lexie when she was born. The nurses kept bringing her in to me so that I would hold her but I couldn't. Because I knew that if I held her, I'd want her. And I couldn't let myself." Emily confesses for the first time.
"Oh Emily" Penelope soothes.
"Everyone sees me as strong, brave level-headed, but at that moment in my life I wasn't. I've been a coward. I was so scared of being a mother so I pushed her away; I pushed her away from my life. But when she came back, there's nothing more that I want than to have her, be her mother."
No one spoke a word, they just listen.
Hotch brought Lexie into a park. They sat in a bench away from the crowd of people, overlooking a lake. He has already sent JJ a message asking her to inform Emily and the Ambassador that Lexie is safe with him.
"I thought I was over this" Lexie says her gaze on the body of water before her.
Hotch didn't speak, he preferred to listen first.
"I didn't even know that I still have this feeling till I felt like she let me down again. I know it's not fair, but when I think about all that I've been through, the pain, the hurt I can't help but think that somehow she was responsible for those. She let me get hurt." Tears rolled down Lexie's cheeks.
"But despite what you feel, you still want her to be your mother" Hotch says, a statement more than a question.
Lexie tore her gaze on the water and looked down at her hands.
"You're trying to push her, to see if she'll let you go again. You were testing her, see if she'll turn her back on you." Hotch continues.
Lexie didn't speak until a few moments, "Hannah called me a week ago. She says she's happy with her new family. She says they're different, they're nice, kind and they love and want her."
Hotch doesn't know if he is right but he can trace envy in Lexie's voice.
"You're happy with Emily too. She loves you." He says.
Hatch noticed Lexie biting her inner cheek again, "They're adopting her, they already started on the paper works, she's only been there for less than a month and she's already getting adopted."
Now Hotch understands.
"This anger of yours, it has never been exactly about Hannah. This is about you doubting Emily." He says.
"I've been in this kind of situation for so many times, people tell they love you and then they just don't. She's gave me away before, how can she not do it again." Lexie looked at Hotch for the first time.
"I've known Emily for a long time. I never understood why she'd always get personally affected whenever our case involves kids around your age. She's always been the expert in compartmentalization, but when it comes to those cases she somehow loses it. It has always made me wondered, I mean between us in the team JJ and I are the only parents, but among us she's the one who always comes out as parental—maternal. So when you came that's when it hit me—all this time she's being a mother. She's always been a mother. And believe me when I say this, in all these years that I came to know her I've never seen her happier than the day you came back to ask for her signature. You came back and she was so happy." He tells Lexie.
The teen just looked at Hotch.
"Don't doubt her. She'll never walk away from you again. She's fighting for you." He added.
Is she? The teen thought silently.
When the sun has set, Hotch took Lexie back to Ambassador Prentiss' mansion.
"Thanks Hotch" Lexie gave Hotch a hug.
"Anytime Lexie" Hotch says patting the girl's back. Thereafter, Lexie went in.
"Thank you so much Agent Hotchner" Elizabeth thanked the man for bringing her granddaughter.
Hotch smiled politely at the ambassador, "It was my pleasure Ambassador"
"Are you sure you don't want to stay for a little while, have coffee or tea maybe?" the woman asks.
"It's okay ma'am. I have to get back to my son, he's waiting for me." Hotch politely refused the offer.
"Oh yes little Jack. Be safe then Aaron." Elizabeth smiled.
When Hotch left, Elizabeth went upstairs to her granddaughter's room. As expected, when she entered the room Lexie was sitting on the bed her head resting on the knees up to her chest.
"Lexie"
The teen whipped her head around; she didn't notice anyone enter the room.
"Grandma" she says. "I'm so sorry" she added quivering.
"Shhh...shhh...darling. You don't have to be sorry." Elizabeth comforted the teen, wrapping her arms around her.
They stayed that way for a few moments before breaking apart.
"If you knew about me, would you have let her give me away?" Lexie asked quietly.
Elizabeth looked at Lexie and started wiping the teen's tears with her thumb, "I wouldn't. But we can't go back can we? She did what she thought was right for both of you. I wasn't exactly a good mother to her, and she was afraid she wouldn't be a good one to you. But that's past, what's important is now."
"Lexie, she wants to be your mother now. She loves you so much."
Lexie didn't respond she just slightly nodded her head, but she didn't say anything.
Emily was staring at the television, but she is not paying attention to the show. She just misses Lexie so much and she's not used to coming in an empty apartment anymore. Since the day she got Lexie back in her life, her apartment has been turned into a home. Just thinking about how she had lived her life before Lexie, breaks her heart into pieces.
Her sullen daze was broke by a sudden knock at the door. She's not expecting anyone, so she lazily got off the couch and went towards the door. She peeped through the hole and frowned when she saw who's on the other side.
"Mother? What are you doing here?"
"I just want to see how you're doing?" Elizabeth tells her as they both walk towards the living area.
Emily rolled her eyes. They just saw each other a while ago. "A couple of hours wouldn't make such a difference in how I feel Mother."
Elizabeth shrugged as Emily ushers her to the living room.
"You didn't have to come here to just to check up on me. You could have just called. And besides what about Lexie who's with her? Hotch texted me hours ago telling me he has brought Lexie back in your house. Is she okay?" Emily rambled.
Elizabeth smiled, "Why don't you just ask her yourself." At that exact moment Emily heard the front door opening.
She just stood shock seeing her daughter entering the apartment.
"Hi?" Lexie says tentatively stopping in her tracks.
Emily got out of her shock and slowly moved towards the teen stopping in a respectable distance.
"Look, here's the thing. I can't promise that this is going to work. That I won't get upset and I won't take it out on you. I know I seem like I'm okay, but I'm a more messed up inside." Lexie breathes. "The truth is, I don't forgive you. I don't know when I'll be able to forgive you." She paused again before continuing, "But I want to be with you. I want to work it out with you."
"Lexie, you don't have to forgive me. I'm never going to be able to forgive me. I just want a chance to make it right with you." Emily's eyes watered. "Can you tell me what I have to do to make it right?" Emily pleads.
Lexie laughs a little through tears, "Let me come home", she choked out.
Emily smiled and ran towards Lexie and immediately wrapped the teen in a hug. Lexie softened to her mother's touch and wrapped her own arms around Emily. The teen rests her head on Emily's shoulder crying while Emily rubs her back to soothe the teen as her own tears fall from her eyes.
"I missed you so much Lexie" Emily murmurs.
"I missed you too" Lexie also whispers.
Emily lies wide awake on her bed. She couldn't sleep, but unlike her other sleepless nights, the reason she's awake right now is too much happiness. She's so glad to have Lexie back. Afraid that it was just a dream, she got up walking towards the third door and slowly turned the door knob. Her heart warmed seeing a lump under the covers of the bed that has been empty the past weeks.
She walked over towards the bed and sat at the edge. Gently tracing the sleeping girl's porcelain cheek with the back of her hand she could feel her eyes watering, she couldn't believe she's made this beautiful life but more so she couldn't believe how she gave away this girl—how could have she abandoned her own daughter. Emily stayed inside Lexie's room for several minutes contently staring at the teen's sleeping form. From then on she vows to always love her, and protect her. She'll never ever give her away again. From the moment the teen walked back into her life, that life was given a new definition—LEXIE.
The following morning, things were still a little bit awkward but definitely a lot better. No more silent treatments, no more death glares, no more sarcastic remarks and smiles were offered. Emily was given the day off of course due to what happened yesterday so Hotch took it upon himself to give Emily the day off, the brunette was really planning on asking for it though.
Lexie was cross sitting on the floor her back leaning on the foot of her bed. Her focus was on the sketch pad in her lap as she makes swift movements on it with a pencil. Her focus was cut short when she heard a soft knock. She turned and saw Emily's head sticking out on the slightly opened door.
"May I?" the older brunette asks.
Lexie smiled, "Yeah sure" she said scooting over a little to make a room for Emily.
Emily slowly sat on the floor beside Lexie, catching a glimpse of the sketch pad she her smile grew wider.
"The Pentagon view?"
The teen smiled at her and nodded.
"You're really fascinated by it, aren't you?"
Lexie turned her gaze on the view of the Pentagon from her window and smiled, "I always feel safe and secured when I see it" she says quietly not tearing her gaze from the beautiful view.
Emily just smiled looking at her daughter.
"I promise that even when you don't see it, I'll try to always make sure you're safe and secured", she says after quite a while.
The younger brunette just nods and smiled a little sadly.
They stayed silent for a moment, Lexie going back to her sketching.
"I know you're still having a hard time forgiving me. And I realized, I've never actually admitted my fault yet." Emily's voice tore the gaze focus on the sketch pad again.
"I was wrong, giving you away...it was the biggest mistake I've ever done in my whole life" Emily was already having a hard time controlling her emotions.
"There might have been a point in my life that I didn't allow myself to want you. But I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you since the day I heard your first cry. I don't want you to ever doubt that Lexie."
Tears have already made their way through the teen's eyes.
There was a short silence before Lexie finally spoke though she never removed her stare on the window, "Eight months ago, there were these couple who fostered me. They were really nice, they took care of me, gave me a home. They said they really love me, they want me to be their daughter, be part of their family. Then one day they told me that they were planning to adopt me, I was so happy and so excited because finally someone saw what I needed all this time, finally someone saw my worth." Lexie smiled at the memory
However her smile faded when she got unto the later part of the story, "Until one day, my social worker came and told me to pack my things she told me that I was gonna be moved to another home. I fought her for it saying that I'm gonna be adopted so why should I be moved. She didn't answer my question at once, not of them did. She just looked into my eyes, that was when I understood everything, she's given me that look before, for so many times I've been given that look—and that was always when they tell me that there's gonna be no adoption, I'm not gonna get adopted. Apparently, the couple found another child, a boy, he's younger, and he's who they really wanted."
Lexie took a deep breath then she turned to Emily with her tearful eyes, "They were the last people before you who told me the same thing you always say. They told me they love me, but at the end it didn't matter, because what mattered was who they really want."
Emily was out of words; her heart was tearing for Lexie. All this time that she thought she was assuring Lexie, her words were actually creating doubts on the girl's mind.
"I'm not normal Emily, I'm not like the other kids because even before I knew what love meant, it was rejection I knew first." Tears were now flooding Lexie's eyes as well as Emily's.
"You always tell me you love me, but in my experience it was never enough. So I'm asking you, if there's still that part in you that doesn't want me, please just say and I will go." Lexie pleads choking on her words as her tears fall endlessly through her face.
Upon hearing those words Emily immediately wrapped Lexie in a tight hug, cupping the girl's head on her chest.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I want you so much. I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you Lexie" Emily murmurs over and over again hoping that it would vanish the cloud of doubts in Lexie's thoughts. Lexie weakened and sobbed on her mother's arms.
They stayed in that position for quite a moment, then Emily cupped the teen's face making the younger brunette look at her, "I want you Lexie. I want you and I love you so much." She said before dropping a kiss on the teen's forehead.
She hugged Lexie tightly again rubbing small circles on the teen's back to comfort her, steadying the girl's breathing to make sure she wouldn't have an attack.
"I want you too. I've always wanted to be with you" Lexie whispers through the hug.
That night after Lexie had gone to sleep, Emily made a call to Penelope asking for the blonde's help to get her the documents needed for Lexie's adoption. She wants to make this official as soon as possible, and for Lexie's sake she wouldn't mind using her mother's influence. She wants Lexie to be hers forever. She would do everything to make it all happen. Lexie will never be rejected again.