AN: Hey guys! Remember that time when I said I would try to post a new chapter every day? -_-
Man, that proved to be harder than I thought it'd be... I'm trying though, I promise!
Ok, here we go...
Jade
Fuck.
Fucking fuck.
Motherfucking fucking fuck.
You've really done it now haven't you?
I press my nails into the palm of my hand in an attempt to release some of the tension coursing through my body.
I feel like shit. The momentary sobriety that had resulted from the sudden adrenaline rush having long passed. I'm feeling sluggish, dizzy, and extremely nauseous. And this nasty ass headache is just getting worse and worse. Although, I don't even know if these are solely the effects of the alcohol anymore…
I hear Tori let out a soft sigh from the driver's seat next to me. I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter as I press harder into my palm.
Fuck.
What the hell had I done? What the hell was I thinking?
The nasty feeling in my stomach seems to intensify and my head pounds even more.
I wasn't thinking. That's the problem. That's always the problem. I'm impulsive. I'm careless. I do things without thinking simply because they seem like a good idea at the time. And normally, I don't care if it turns out to not be, I simply say 'fuck it' and move on. If someone ends up hurt in the process, so be it. I couldn't care less.
That's how it's always been.
That's how it should always be.
It makes things easier, not caring. It makes everything much less important than it should be. The less I get involved, the less I care, the less I hurt.
But now everything is different. There's no point trying to deny it. Things changed. I changed.
Tori changed me. Or did I change for Tori?
God, this is fucking crazy…
But it's true. I let her in, and deep inside I knew that once I did, there would be no turning back. No way to deny what she'd already seen. And I still did it. I let her in and I'd be lying if I said I regretted it. These past weeks with her have been some of the best days of my life. And as sad as that sounds, I really don't feel the least bit bad about it.
In the last three weeks I've become someone I always swore I'd never be. At least with her. But somehow, it's enough. It's enough to know that I'm capable of opening up so completely to someone; knowing full well that by doing so I will be exposed and vulnerable. The risk had never seemed worth it until Tori. My mother's words kept echoing in my mind. Telling me that I was giving her too much power over me; that I was an idiot for trusting her so blindly when she could easily use it against me. But every single time the doubts came, all it took was a simple smile from Tori, and I knew that that was not something I had to worry about.
But then I go and fuck everything up.
I don't know what came over me. Honest to fucking God, I don't. One minute we're dancing, laughing and just having a good time, and next thing I know, Tori is pressed up against me. Her body, her hair, her smell, her face, her hands, her fucking everything.
It's all Tori.
Tori who makes me smile. Tori who makes me laugh. Tori who makes feel like an actual fucking human being. Who likes me, who genuinely likes me. And let me tell you, that's no easy feat… But she does. She likes me and wants me around just as much as I want her. It dawns on me then, how much she truly means to me. How much I care for her, how much I want, no need, her in my life. How thankful I am to her for being part of it. How safe she makes me feel. How fucking happy I am.
Now, I've never been one for physical contact; hugs, cuddling, spooning, etc… Even with Beck I draw the line when things get too lovey dovey… But with Tori, it's become such a vital part of our friendship. Through it she's able to transmit to me things that just can't be expressed through words alone. So feeling her so close. Her body pressed against mine, enveloping me in something I just can't seem to get enough of with her. I just couldn't handle it.
It was too much. It was just too damn much.
My brain went into overload and my body took over.
It wanted more. It wanted more of her. And she held on just as tight, just as intensely. Like she also felt the same kind of comfort in my touch… the need for it. I wanted to show her just what she did to me, just what she made me feel. I needed her to see.
And that's when it happened.
I felt it even before it left her mouth. The rumbling in her throat, the throat I was currently kissing. The way it resounded as it left her lips, swept through my hair and caressed my ear. It unleashed something inside of me… something that until then had been dormant and unseen. And it scared the living shit out of me.
I couldn't get away though. I couldn't escape it. Hard as I tried. I couldn't even figure it out because before I knew it she was right there again. Right in front of me and I'm even more confused than before. I'm lost because not one single thought in my brain is making sense. This newly awaken force creating chaos within me. The only thing that remains is her. Amidst the turmoil she stands as the only source of reason… Which makes absolutely no fucking sense since she's the one who caused it all! It's as though she's both the problem and the answer. Yea… You try to explain that shit to me.
She stares at me with equally troubled eyes. But beneath them I see something else, something that captivates me completely. And before I know what I'm doing my face is just a few centimeters from hers, hot breath on my lips making my entire body tremble and-
"Jade?"
My eyes snap open when I feel a warm hand on my exposed shoulder. I whip around and am met with worried brown eyes, whose owner quickly yanks her hand away at my reaction.
"We-we're here." She mumbles.
Our eyes meet for the first time since the alley and I immediately begin to panic. I'm sure she wants to talk about it. She wants to say something. Question me. Demand to know what the hell I was thinking. But how can I respond when I don't even know the answer myself? No… I can't. Not yet. Not ever, probably.
I tear my gaze away and open the car door. I make my way into the house quickly, leaving the door open for her to come in but not waiting. I can't be near her. I'm afraid of what I might say. What I might do.
I go to the kitchen and look through my parent's medicine cabinet to take some much needed aspirin. I hear the front door close in the living room and then the faint sound of sock clad footsteps in the kitchen.
"I-I… I think I'm gonna go." Tori says in a soft voice. All my panic disappears and is instead replaced by fear. Fear that her words hold more meaning than the actual literal one. That she'll leave my house… but also leave me. All because of what I did. What I almost did.
My grip on the aspirin bottle tightens as I remain with my back to her. I don't want to face her… but the thought of her leaving is even worse. There's a long silence that even now isn't awkward, just extremely tense. In an outburst of courage I turn around to face her.
"Tori I'm-"
"Listen Jade I-"
We both stop when the other one talks. She smiles awkwardly and looks down at her nervously clasped hands and I let out a sigh setting the bottle of pills on the counter as I take a few steps towards her.
"Tori I'm sorry ok? I don't know what the fuck I was thinking and I –"
"No, no, no…" she shakes her head vigorously and waves a hand in the air as she also walks over to me. "I-I know… You don't have to explain anything to me." She knows? What does she know and why the fuck don't I know? "You – we – had a few drinks and well, you know…" she trails off with a nervous laugh. "It's… it's really not a big deal." It isn't? "I mean I won't-don't think it's a big deal or anything if that's what you're worried about."
"Tori I don't think-"
"No, Jade please." She looks at me with pleading eyes. "I don't want anything with us to change. I… I'm just so happy with what we have and I would hate to lose it- to lose you over something so silly." She adds with a soft smile and lifts her hand to touch my arm but hesitates midair, finally deciding against it and bringing it back down to toy with a button on the vest. "I promise you it's fine. I'm fine." I stare at her for a few moments, trying to figure out what the hell she's talking about, why she's acting as if she's the one that did wrong and needs to fix it. Like she's afraid that I will leave her and not the other way around like I'm currently assuming.
She's not upset at what I did. I realize. She thinks it was all because of the alcohol; that it meant absolutely nothing to me and that I'm acting like a douche bag now to make that clear.
I don't know whether to be relieved or feel even more like a piece of shit. I purse my lips and look down at my hands.
"Please Jade." She pleads softly once more, bringing my eyes back to hers. "Can we just… can we just go back to how we were?"
I gaze intently at her. Once again captivated by whatever it is I see in her eyes that I just can't figure out. The commotion inside me still unsettling and confusing, making me highly doubt things could ever go back to how they were a mere hour ago.
But those eyes… God, those fucking eyes. All my fears dissolve with the promise of keeping them around. Of keeping her around.
"You owe me a new pair of boots." I say finally, small smirk on my lips. Her eyes light up and all worry in them disappears as a smile slowly appears on her face.
"Sounds good." she nods.
"Now make me something to eat and take care of me like I did for your drunk ass two weeks ago." I demand as I grab the pills, a water bottle and head to the living room. I hear her chuckle and soon she begins rifling through the cabinets. I plop down on the couch and turn on the tv. It's barely a little past midnight and I'm not tired enough to call it a night. I still feel a little buzzed but my nausea and headache have significantly diminished, which makes me wonder if it was even brought on by the alcohol to begin with. I glance over to the kitchen and see Tori cutting up some stuff on the counter as she prepares God knows what for me. A small smile tugs at my lips while I watch her mumbling to herself as she works; I feel that pull on my stomach again, so I shake my head and turn my attention back to the tv.
A few minutes later she comes into the living room with a plate and a cup in her hands.
"Your majesty…" She does a little curtsy as she hands them to me.
"Damn right." I snicker taking the plate which contains a grilled ham & cheese sandwich with tomato and a cup of soda. She sticks her tongue out at me and disappears back into the kitchen where she grabs her own.
"Holy shit, Vega." I say between mouthfuls. "This is fucking delicious."
"It's just a grilled cheese sandwich." She says dismissively as she sits by me on the carpet with her back against the couch.
"Look, Little Miss Modest…" I nudge her with my knee. "What have I told you about taking compliments?" She shrugs and smiles. "Let's try again. Why Miss, this here's the best goddamn grilled cheese sandwich I've ever had in my entire fucking life!" I say dramatically. She laughs resting her arm on my thigh as she twists back to look at me.
"Well I am the best –darn– grilled cheese sandwich maker in this –freaking– city!" She says equally as dramatic. I let my head fall back onto the couch's headrest as I let out a loud laugh.
"Ok, now, what have I told you about cussing?" I chastise. Her smile is replaced by a frown as she turns back to the tv.
"I don't like to say bad words, you know that." I laugh again as I take another bite from my sandwich. "It's not ladylike." She adds with a smirk.
"Ohhh…" I say feigning offense while she giggles and bites into her sandwich. "So what the fuck does that shit fucking make me, goddammit?!" I snap through a mouthful of food. She almost chokes on her own as she burst into laughter. And I can't help but smile as a feeling of relief floods me, letting me know that everything will be alright after all.
As the days pass, the tension between us fades and we fall back into our regular interaction. But I can tell something's changed. I feel it. And I know she feels it too. I can see it in the way she still hesitates before touching me. In the way she keeps a small distance between us at all times. It's not very obvious, like she's trying to not make it such a big deal; but I still notice, and I wonder why it is that there's a sudden need to draw lines and set limits, when before none of that mattered? What changed?
It's like we're both more aware now. More aware of ourselves and of each other. I notice things I didn't before. Well, things that I had but had never noticed I had, does that make sense? Like, the way her face furrows when she laughs at something inappropriate, something she does around me a lot. The way her eyes widen and literally fucking sparkle when she's excited about something. How her lips pull into a crooked smile whenever I say something nice to her. How she bites her lower lip and scrunches her eyebrows when she's troubled or confused by something. I already knew all this; subconsciously I was aware of her doing them but now, now I notice her doing them.
And I've also caught her watching me just as closely. Unlike me, though, she's more reserved about it; like she's not sure if she should be doing it. Whenever she sees that I've caught her, she'll blush and look away immediately, which amuses me greatly. We continue spending every moment we can together though. And when we can't we're constantly texting or talking on the phone if we're able. We never speak of the night at the club and I'm very thankful for that as I still don't know what the hell I'd say about it.
All I care about is the fact that we're ok. That our friendship just gets better and better as the days go by. And I honestly don't even understand how we went without it for so long… I can't imagine life with Tori not in it anymore. Without her dorky laugh, her stupid jokes that still make me laugh so hard I often end up with stomach cramps. Without her hugs and smiles. Without the way she blushes and gets all awkward when I tell her dirty jokes or when I–
"Jade!"
I blink several times and look up at an exasperated Beck.
"Have you heard anything I've said for the past five minutes?" he asks with a smile but there was slight irritation in his tone.
"Shit. I'm sorry Beck, I… I don't know, I guess I must've zoned out for a bit." I mumble as I take a sip from my coffee and then grimace at how cold it already is. I look up at him and see him staring at me with worried eyes. "What?"
"What's going on Jade?" He asks softly. I scrunch up my eyebrows in confusion as I look back at him.
"What do you mean? I just spaced out, dude. Relax. Nothing's 'going on'."
"It's… it's not just that Jade." He says still intently looking me in the eye, making me slightly uncomfortable. "It's like I never see you anymore. And when I do, it's as though you're not even all there. Like you'd rather be somewhere else." Again I look at him in confusion. He senses this and continues. "Ok, how many times have I seen you this whole week?"
"We see each other every single day at school, Beck! I don't know what you're–"
"That's five days a week, and it doesn't count." He clarifies, lifting a finger up. "I'm asking, how many times have we actually hung out? Like, you and me, alone. Outside of school."
"Um, well…" I run my finger over the top of my coffee mug as I think. "Today we're out! We're at a coffee shop, just you and me, alone. Outside of school." I say with a smile and shrug. He lets out a sigh and leans back on his chair, looking up at the ceiling.
"It's the first time we've spent time together this whole week and it's already Thursday." His eyes meet mine again and I feel a twinge of guilt as I see the slight hurt in them. "I just… I miss you Jade." He says softly as he leans over the table to take my hands in his. "I-I... did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Why have you been avoiding me?"
"I haven't been avoiding you, Beck." I say while rolling my eyes. " I've just… I've been busy that's all. I do have a life outside of you, you know?" He looks slightly taken aback by my snappy comment and I feel even worse. "I mean, I-I just, I don't know, I needed some time to myself." I add. But his eyes remain down, looking at our clasped hands.
"Time to yourself." He smiles sadly and I feel that nasty feeling of guilt dig deeper into my heart. I've been spending so much time with Tori that I started neglecting my relationship with Beck.
"I'm sorry, you're right. I… I haven't been around much and I'm sorry. I really am." He looks at me in a bit of shock, not used to me apologizing for anything and actually meaning it. Fucking Vega turning me into a goddamn sap. He smiles warmly and squeezes my hands in his.
"How 'bout we do something this weekend?" He says excitedly. "We could go out to a movie? To eat? Afterwards you could come spend the night and-"
"Oh so that's what this is about isn't it, Oliver?" I say with a smirk. "You just wanna get in my pants." He grins and shakes his head.
"You know me well, babe." He tells me with a wink. I slap his hands and pull mine away, making him grin. "No, you know that's not it. Although, we really haven't… you know… in a while now, so it would be very much appreciated-" Another smack, this time on the shoulder. "But," he says through chuckles as he takes my hands back in his. "I just miss spending time with you… doesn't matter what we're doing."
"Ok, Saint Oliver." I say sarcastically. "What kind of activities do you have in mind?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Hello?"
"Vega, what have I told you about wearing your hair up in a bun?" I grunt into the phone as I try to not lose my balance.
"That it makes me look like an old maid." She huffs as she turns away from her closet and walks towards her bed.
"Whoa! But with those sexy glasses you have on, you're now the star of a bad sexy librarian porno!"
"Oh my God Jade!" she says between chuckles and I can see her cheeks turn a slight pink. "That's just wrong and ins– wait… how do you know what I'm wearing?" Her voice turns panicked as she looks around her room with wide eyes. She then bends down and checks under the bed.
"Really Tori? Under the bed?" I snicker. Her head snaps up again as she looks around wildly.
"Jade! Where are you?!" She goes to her bathroom and swings the door open, disappearing momentarily as she checks it before stomping back into her room and looking under the desk. "Did you-did you set up cameras in my room?" she gasps.
"Yes Vega, I fucking Big Brothered your house…" I say with a laugh. My foot suddenly slips and I loose my balance. "Oh shit!" I hiss as my hand shoots up to steady myself. Tori looks up from behind the small sofa in her room as her attention turns to the window.
"Oh my God, are you on the tree outside my bedroom?" she cries into the phone as she makes her way over slowly, narrowing her eyes as she tries to see through the darkness outside.
"You should really invest in thicker curtains, Vega. Or else just any creep could sit out here and watch you all night long without you even knowing it…" She moves the thin curtains out of the way and presses her face against the glass, squinting to see me. Once her eyes focus on me, I give her a smirk and lift my eyebrow expectantly.
"I think you're the only creep that would even think of doing that." She says sending me a smirk of her own.
"Just open the fucking window already, Vega!" I snap. "I'm freezing out here." I hear her snickering before the line goes dead as she hangs up and sets her phone down on the desk so she can open the window. I stuff my cell phone in my jacket as the glass slides open and I hand her a cup of coffee so I can use both hands to climb in.
"How the heck were you able to climb up the tree with a coffee cup in your hands?" She cries as she takes the cup.
"Some people are just skilled like that."
"Wait, you got me a coffee?" She says with a goofy smile once I'm inside.
"Nah, I just didn't want mine anymore." I tell her flatly as I shrug off my coat. She frowns but still takes a drink, her eyes immediately lighting up as she does.
"You did bring me a coffee!" She exclaims.
"And what on earth would make you think I would do such a vile thing?" I say trying to fight off a grin.
"This is a vanilla latte, my favorite. You only drink it black with two sugars." She says proudly before taking another drink. She closes her eyes and pats her stomach with her free hand. "Mmm! Friendship coffee!" She sing-songs. I roll my eyes and go sit on the bed.
"You can't prove anything, Vega." I grunt. "Just like you can't prove that the piece of banana nut bread in my coat is also for you." She squeals in delight and rushes to where I threw my coat, retrieving the pastry.
"My favorite!" She says before taking a big bite from it. I finally let my smile show as she comes over and sits on the bed next to me, bringing the pastry up to me where I lean in and take a bite. She takes another drink from the cup and I snort when I see a small foam mustache on her upper lip.
"You've got yourself a little…" I say with a chuckle as I motion to her mouth.
"What? A mustache? What makes you think I didn't do it on purpose? Maybe I like this look." She says smugly.
"Oh that's right…" I say as I facepalm myself. "I forgot you're into that whole being a dude thing!" She gasps and makes an indignant face, to which I laugh. "So tell me Tor, is that your cell phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" I ask as I jump out of the bed to escape the attack I know is coming as soon as the words leave my mouth.
"God, you're never gonna let that go are you?" she barks while she sets the bread and coffee down. She then grabs a pillow from her bed and throws it at me. I catch it easily and quickly throw it back, hitting her in the face. I laugh and throw a little fist pump. She gives me a deadly glare as she slowly removes her glasses and sets them on her night table. I make an 'o' shape with my mouth as I wave my hands in front of me, pretending to be scared. She grabs another pillow and charges, again I easily dodge her and she crashes into her couch.
"Maybe you should put your glasses back on there, buddy." I tease. She lets out a growl and pounces on me, taking me by surprise this time as she sends us crashing onto her bed which I was standing right in front of. I let out a muffled grunt as she climbs on top of me, grabbing one of the pillows and hitting me repeatedly with it. I can't help but laugh at her weak attempts to hurt me, the pillow softly colliding with my face. "Alright, alright!" I cry between laughs as I hold my hands up in surrender. She stops and sits up, running a hand through her now undone hair as she tries to catch her breath. I chuckle as I look up at her.
"I'm not a man." she says sternly while pointing a finger down at me. I grin and nod. "I was four and the doctor sai-"
"Said it happens to a lot of little kids at that age..." I finish for her. "Yea, yea… I know. I just love to see you get all freaked out and defensive."
"I know you do, meanie." She says with her signature pout as she folds her arms across her chest. I let out an airy laugh, never taking my eyes off her.
God she's so fucking cute… I think to myself as my eyes sweep over her face, which suddenly becomes a way darker shade of red. My smile drops and I feel the blood drain from my face when I realize I said it out loud. She bites her lower lip and gives me a sheepish smile, making my stomach all stupid and fluttery; a feeling that happens all too often when I'm with her.
I suddenly become very aware of the position we're currently in, with me laying flat on the bed and her sitting up on top of me. She seems to catch on to that as well and her eyes widen as she goes to move away but, before I know what I'm doing, my hands shoot up and hold her thighs down, keeping her in place. Her large eyes go from my hands to my face as her breathing quickens. I notice my own breathing falter as I continue studying her. My eyes slowly taking in every inch of her, as though I were seeing her for the first time. When our gazes meet again I see fear and panic in her eyes, along with whatever it was I saw that night at the club, but it's soon overtaken by the other two emotions and she quickly climbs off of me.
She goes over to her nightstand to retrieve her coffee and takes a huge drink from it. She clears her throat and puts her glasses back on.
"So!" she lets out one of her dorky nervous laughs. "Can I offer you anything to drink? Eat? You wanna watch tv? Maybe we could put on a movie! Or look at videos on the slap! Yea! I heard Rex posted a video of Robbie wearing a dress! And Cat has one that-"
"Vega."
"-her brother juggling pigeons in the background-"
"Vega."
"-never really seen her brother, I wonder if he even exis-"
"Tori!" She stops her rambling and turns to me, eyes still wide and completely breathless. I'm now sitting up on the bed, looking at her amusedly. "I'm going home now." I say getting up from the bed, her eyebrows furrow a bit as she looks at me. "I just came to tell you that we're all going to my parent's old cabin up in Big Bear for the weekend." I open the window but turn to her before climbing out. "We leave tomorrow after school and come back Sunday." She stares at me blankly for a moment, so I snap my fingers in front of her face a few times. "You're going right?"
"Who-who's going?" She stammers.
"Well, I haven't really told anyone, other than Beck." She looks down and shifts nervously at the mention of his name. "I didn't wanna say anything until I knew you would go." Her eyes snap back to mine and I give her a small smile.
"Yea… yea I'm down." She say softly.
"Awesome." I put one leg out the window and onto the branch. "See you tomorrow." I pull myself out and steady my footing before beginning the climb down.
"Jade?" I look up and see Tori's face sticking out the window as she looks down at me. She stays quiet for a moment, as if she's debating whether or not she wants to say anything after all. "I-I… Goodnight." She finally breathes out. A slow smile pulls at my lip as I continue looking up at her.
"Goodnight, Tor." I murmur. She gives me that little crooked smile as she places her elbow on the window sill and rests her chin on her palm.
"I like it when you call me that." She mutters softly.
"I know." I whisper back. We look at each other for a moment more before I continue my climb down again.
The fluttering in my stomach continues all the way home. And I notice how hard it's become to stop smiling. Vega has become like a fucking drug to me. And I may not fully understand the effects and consequences it brings, but one thing's for sure:
I'm hooked.
AN: Ok, so next chapter we'll be back to the both point of views format... I hope you guys are liking it! Let me know if you do! I like when people mention specific parts of the story that they enjoyed in particular. :) It makes me feel all happy and warm! Alright, I'll see you guys soon!