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……….
Chapter 11 – Late Blooms
Our phone call went on for well over an hour as we talked about everything and nothing. He shared a few very sweet little stories about Seth, at first cautiously, as if gauging my reaction, then without hesitation as miles and minutes ticked past. More discussion of college years included Edward wholly impressing me with how well-read he had become. Edward, of pickle-bucket cocktails and the one-time rumored largest empty Jack Daniels bottle collection in the Pacific Northwest, discussed A Room of One's Own; my worldview may have tilted on its axis.
The tone of his voice altered, strained, when he told me he had arrived. After a moment of silent observation, he spoke again. "It looks like they aren't back yet." He sounded a combination of disappointed and relieved.
"Oh, well. Maybe that's for the best," I said. "You can go get a coffee or maybe close your eyes for a few minutes."
"Silver lining it is then, I suppose," he said, his voice lifting a little. I knew he had to be exhausted and the wisdom of confronting this issue immediately, striking while the iron was hot as it were, began to fade in my estimation. He'd seemed very certain that he wanted to end things with Tanya, but he was sleep deprived; he was walking into an emotionally volatile situation when he was already drained.
And I'm trying to remind myself this probably has nothing - should have nothing - to do with me.
"Edward, I'm worried."
"About what?" He spoke around a yawn.
"You're exhausted. You're about to end a long-term relationship. It's bound to be draining on anyone, much less someone who has barely slept all night."
"I'll be fine. I understand your concern," he said. "But, I don't think I can sleep until I do this now."
"Just be prepared for the guilt. The guilt they can throw off… it's crippling," I said and fidgeted with the throw I was wrapped in.
A few moments pause and then he spoke again. "You know, don't you? I mean, you're the voice of experience here, aren't you?" They were barely questions.
I was and I wasn't. My relationship with Tyler was not nearly as long and we didn't share a child, but we had been married. Truthfully, even though we were married, it had never felt like a serious relationship…because I didn't take it seriously.
That wasn't a road I felt we needed to trod down at the time, so I cleared my throat. "Please call me when you leave, let me know how it goes… if you want."
"I'll call. If you actually want me to, I'll call."
His words reminded me that I'd told him I really didn't think we should talk for a while after he broke things off with her. For propriety's sake. For my sanity's sake.
For my heart's sake.
He'll be free for the first time in years. Nothing said that he wouldn't want, maybe even need, to experience that freedom in whatever way he felt drawn.
I'd gone through a wild phase at one time myself, spending long, late nights with different men. Men like Ferguson, Kimmel, O'Brien, and Letterman. Yeah, I'm a hoe like that.
And what if he was drawn to me? I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but do I really want him to be drawn to me? I mean, how much of what I feel for him is simply high school crush residual effect? I thought of his devotion to his son, his concern for Esme…and me, the easy conversations into which we'd begun to fall, and the inexplicable something about the way that I felt around him – that felt amiss when he was – and I decided he deserved at least as much chance, if not more, than most.
"Edward? Maybe even call before you leave. Take a break and get some air. Feel free to call and talk it out with me, okay?"
He laughed, maybe a touch too giddy, the fatigue manifesting. "You're kind of unbelievable, you know that?"
"Quite."
"No, seriously," he said. "I don't know anyone else who would be supportive like this."
"Yes, I am all kinds of kick-ass." I yawned.
……….
I awoke to the sounds of an engine gunning it in the driveway and a kink in my neck from leaning on the arm of the sofa. I splashed cold water on my face and headed outside assuming it was James showing up to help me retrieve my truck - finally. Now, now, beggars and choosers.
Hell, if it's about a choice, I'd choose to leave that hunk of junk out in the woods. The novelty of my truck's quaintness had worn off long ago. About the third time I had to be towed to the shop for an engine overhaul.
"Thanks again for the ride James," I said as I returned his jacket. James mumbled something that might've been "You're welcome" and we headed out. I was less than talkative again but James spoke up when there was nothing he wanted to hear on the radio.
"Do you remember that Angela chick? You did work at the diner at the same time, didn't you? Sometimes it's hard to keep the help straight."
"Yes, I remember her. We worked together for awhile… I worked for her – covered her shifts – a lot." Actually, Angela and I had gotten caught up with one another a couple years ago, but I didn't feel like getting into all the details with James.
"Oh yeah," he said and scratched absentmindedly under his chin. "Well, she's back in town visiting her family. She came in the diner for breakfast and asked about you."
"Really? Well, if you see her again, tell her to drop by, please." Angela had always been very nice, very friendly, with me. So, despite Alice's stated distaste for her, seeing my old co-worker sounded enjoyable.
"Hang on," he said, and fished around in his front pocket while still trying to drive, weaving over the white line and into the gravel shoulder more than once. "She gave me her number to give to you."
The rest of the trip went smoothly; no more near death experiences at James's hand. I emptied the gas can into my truck's empty tank, returned it to the trunk of his car, and waved goodbye as he drove away.
The clearing was not much more inviting during the daytime than it had been at night. Aluminum cans and partially decomposed cups littered the forest floor. Movement in the treeline reminded me that I had no reason to hang around and reminisce about stuff that had never happened there; I hopped in the driver's seat and made for home.
Along the way, I checked my phone more than once to make sure I hadn't missed a call and that the ringer on high, which was the only chance I had of hearing it over the racket of the my truck chugging down the road.
Nothing.
It had been hours since Edward had hung up to get coffee. Is he talking to her now? Is he on his way back? Oh no… did he fall asleep in the car waiting for them to get back and he's still parked somewhere? I would've gladly been asleep if I hadn't been out on Operation Rust Recovery, but he had a different situation.
At home, I showered quickly, foregoing the bath for which I so longed out of fear of falling asleep and slipping under. My silent phone stared up at me from the bathroom counter as I toweled off.
I found myself pushing keys before I'd even formulated a plan to do so.
You ok? – B
I blew out my hair enough so that it wasn't too damp to sleep; my hair had grown long enough that it would take a good deal of time to dry it completely. The phone screen lit up as I finished.
Ok. Rough going. I'll call. Thx – E
Well, at least he's awake. It had taken him a good while to respond. It sounded as though it was happening.
Right now.
If I thought I'd feel better knowing his status, I'd been sorely mistaken.
Desperate for some serious comfy time, I slipped into soft, blue tea rose print cotton pajamas and made for bed. But, when I began to crawl under the covers, something was missing. Scooping my phone up, I headed to the living room and stopped at the sofa.
It's my pillow. I'll not let myself feel guilty or weak for wanting my own damned pillow.
I won't let it force me into a judgment clouding dream about him.
It matters not that it smells of pine and mint and… honey?
Cursing olfactory recollection, I clutched the pillowcase roughly in my phoneless hand and swung it by my side as the baseboards thundered in my wake.
……..
Smell or no smell, I slept like the proverbial log. If I dreamed anything, it wasn't interesting enough to remember when I woke. Well, there might have a dream about the sentient, disembodied head of an orange tabby cat rolling around my house and commenting on my lack of feng shui. Nothing that would mean the stress was getting to me. Nothing at all.
I looked at the Edward scented pillow rather smugly. No dreams about him. Ha - who's the boss now, you big sack of heavenly fiberfill? Yeah, that's right. I'm the mutha fucking boss.
A quick survey of the phone revealed that I had indeed managed to sleep through a call from Alice but no call from Edward. I wondered if he was one of those people who say they're going to call and then can't be troubled to do so.
Sunlight was waning and I was certain he had to be on his way back… if he was coming back. He is coming back, isn't he?
With that thought, tension I didn't realize I was holding in my shoulders gave way to something else and I sagged forward; my body reacting before my mind.
Maybe he had changed his mind.
Or, maybe it had been changed for him.
And I was a sadder at the idea than I than I might've anticipated. Wow, that sounds pretty clinically detached for what I'm feeling. Am I boarding on crushed? Why did I doubt whatever this is earlier?
I flipped the phone open and checked the registry to see if there was any chance I had done something batty like hold an entire phone conversation with him while I was asleep. Nope. Nothing.
And what about him? He had seemed like he needed this - to move on - to happen for himself. I couldn't picture that he might possibly have peace if…
Ringing broke off my thoughts. The screen read "Edward" and I clasped the phone in both hands, and tried to compose myself well enough that my voice might not register a practically audible grin.
"Hello."
"Hi Bella. Sorry it took me so long to call." He sounded wrung out, but his voice picked up as he spoke.
"How did it go?"
"Um, as well as can be imagined, I guess."
"Are you just now leaving? Do you want to talk about it?" I regretted asking as soon as the rushed words were out of my mouth. Doubtless, the man had been talking all day. "You don't have to. I won't be offended if you don't want to talk. I'm just glad that finally you called."
"Well, I promised I'd call…so I'm calling. I do want to talk with you. Later, I guess, if you don't mind. I'm just going to get a motel room somewhere. It's not fair for me to be out on the road now."
"Fair" seemed like an odd choice of wording to me, but I left it alone.
"Sure," I said. "Whenever you're ready. Sleep well."
He laughed faintly, as if it were funny that there was even a remote likelihood that he might not sleep well.
"Goodnight Edward."
"Goodnight Bella."
"Edward?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for calling me… with everything going on…I'm glad you remembered."
"I couldn't forget if I wanted to." He was quiet for a moment. "Goodnight Bella." He repeated himself and we ended the call.
With whatever the situation was with Edward finally in a hold pattern, I didn't know what to do with myself. The day was mostly gone, work was in the morning, I'd completely jacked with my sleep schedule, and I hadn't eaten since a very mapley breakfast in the early hours of the morning.
I slid on the jeans and gray shirt that were draped over the back of my reading chair, played my part in a round of phone tag with Alice, and then set up a dinner get-together with Angela.
Angela was at least as sweet as ever and I continued to have trouble comprehending Alice's aversion to her as well as the idea that Angela had been involved with that miserable Jasper fellow in any way. He must have an appeal that escapes me.
Maybe he's just a flaming asshole where Edward is concerned.
Maybe I just don't care and I'd rather go chance the daily special at our one-star Forks Diner than think about this more.
……….
The diner was not terribly crowded when I arrived so I had my pick of booths in the back and there was still plenty of chicken and noodles left to fill my order. None of the workers seemed familiar enough to strike up a conversation, so I spent my time between bites twirling the thick noodles into my mashed potatoes. I had just managed to completely camouflage a fifth noodle under the lumps when the booth shifted and I looked up to see Emmett, grinning, but with a hint of confusion on his face, plop down across from me.
"Why are you here?" He flipped the menu around a couple of times and then replaced it behind the salt and pepper shakers.
"I could ask you the same thing," I said and motioned toward the menu he had replaced without taking time to contemplate ordering anything.
"I saw your truck out front."
"And?" I shrugged as casually as I could manage.
"I thought you'd probably be with my brother."
I bristled but tried to behave as though his assumption hadn't fazed me. "Why?" I swallowed thickly. "Why would you think that?"
Emmett leaned across the table ever so slightly but dropped his voice. "Because Dad got a call from Tanya asking if he could have Edward call when he sees him. You know, since Edward isn't answering her calls...because they called off their engagement today." He emphasized the last part in a way that made it clear he knew the score and he wasn't letting me pretend otherwise.
"Why should he answer her calls if he already spent all day talking to her?" I realized my mistake mid-sentence but I was too far in to bother stopping. Emmett's face lit up. Ugh. Here we go.
"You do know what's up! I knew it." He banged a fist jubilantly once on the wobbly Formica tabletop. "I knew our plan would work – and it was even faster than I'd hoped," he cried and then sat back, stretching his arms wide along the back of the booth bench and looking very self satisfied.
"Yes. He's free now," I said and watched myself twirl a slippery noodle in some gravy. "So, mission accomplished." I couldn't even pretend not be melancholy, which pretty much flew in the face of everything that one might've predicted about my reaction to the situation. I wanted to be selfless in the matter, but it seemed an impossible task. Despite everything that had been finally said between us, there were no assurances that we'd pursue anything. Edward had major life issues going on and I was greedily hoping he'd be ready – and willing – to explore our connection. I'm selfish. I'm drawn to him. I know he's flawed. So am I. Isn't everyone?
"You don't seem as excited as I thought you'd be." Emmett left his arms where they were but his head moved closer, definitely trying to figure me out.
"We're not going to see each other for a while."
"You what?" That got his full attention. "What the crap Bella? Why would you do that?"
I dropped my fork and leveled my gaze at him. "Because he just left his fiancée, Emmett."
"Isn't that what needed to happen? Wait – don't bother to answer that. I'm the one who has seen how he's been. It is what needed to happen."
"Emmett." I said and leveled my gaze at him. "He just left her."
He shrugged as if to say "So?"
"Even you assumed he left her for me. How would that look?"
Emmett's nostrils flared and something told me he was not an individual who got upset often and the world should rejoice in that fact. "Big fucking deal how it looks. I can't believe you'd come this far and then just let the ball drop." He shook his head, looking exceedingly disgusted. "You really disappoint me Bella. I thought you… shit, why isn't it worth the effort? Don't you care? Doesn't it affect you at all?"
I stabbed my fork like a moon landing flag into the middle of my food and could feel my jaw clench. "Of course it affects me. Do you think I always wallow in a platter of coagulated starch? I've spent my entire adult life trying not to think about Edward and now I find I'm back in the belly of the beast. I can't stop. I don't really know him anymore, but I want to. We're both different than we used to be, but it doesn't seem to matter to me…and I am scared to my very core that I am right back where I always was."
Somewhere during my rant, Emmett softened and reached his hand out to close over mine. "You seem like you're trying to talk yourself back into your shell."
Am I?
I think I just might be.
Has it come to this? Emmett's my life coach and my confidant is James.
Suddenly, I felt compelled to patch things up with Rose. Funny thing that.
Emmett took a deep breath. "Maybe it's because that's what you're used to, but you're wrong Bella. I lived with him most of my life. You guys think I'm an idiot, but I know this. I know it's meant to be."
I looked at where his hand dwarfed mine beneath it and felt myself calm. "Well, Emmett, I didn't know you had it in you. That was nearly romantic."
He squirmed in his seat and moved his hand away to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, what can I say? I'm a romantic bastard." He looked off to the side for a moment then turned back to me. "Seriously Bella. Step up."
"Seriously Emmett. Are you really telling me step up?" I gave him what I hoped was a pointed look.
Emmett, in his third distinct visage of the evening, looked blank. He blinked at me several times.
Then, his eyes grew wide and when he opened his mouth a tiny mouse squeak came out.
I raised my eyebrows further into my hairline. "Emmett?"
He swallowed audibly. "Have you and Rose talked?"
"No, but I was just thinking of calling her."
"Will you be her maid of honor?"
"Oh dear god Emmett. Whatever you do, don't tell her you asked me first."
……….
Emmett insisted that I come with him to Rose's and, though I didn't believe it was the best idea to do these things with an audience, I simply had to see it go down with my own eyes. It might be said that it is in poor taste to propose on the same day that one's brother ends his own engagement. True to form, Emmett didn't let societal pressures deter him.
We arrived at Rose's place and Emmett bounded up the front steps two at a time. The night had become chilly so I shoved my hands into my pockets as I trailed behind. Emmett rang the doorbell and immediately began to pound a meaty fist on the door. Rose could be heard moving toward the door; apparently, this type of knocking was not unusual as Rose didn't rush to answer.
"Hey Babe," she said as she answered the door and kissed Emmett on the cheek as he entered. "Hello Bella." She moved aside as I walked in.
I managed a pressed-lip smile and walked through the door she still held open.
"If Emmett's playing peacemaker and you're here for an apology Bella, I don't have one for you," she said. The door clicked as it latched shut. Emmett started to say something to interrupt her, but she held her hand up to stop him as she spoke to me. "I know that you're probably mad at me, and maybe you should be. But if I'd made sure you knew about everything, then you'd have convinced yourself never to try and see 'what if.'"
I moved to join Emmett in the living room. "I didn't really come here to talk about this Rose, but I am mad at you. Where do you get off pushing me to talk to him while holding out on me?"
"The fact that you didn't know something like that, that shut yourself off that much, proves my point. I'm the one who saw you suffer. I'm the one who was there watching you fade away." Her words felt harsh, but her tone was not; she wasn't being intentionally cruel. I saw Emmett shuffle from one foot to other.
"It wasn't a snap decision for me, you know," she continued, her arms twisted in front of her. "If you end up happy but it costs me your friendship… well, that's my loss. I'm not sorry. I'd still do it again."
Emmett gave a little cough in the background. "Actually, Rose, um… that's not what we came here for."
Rose looked surprised and she turned her head back and forth between Emmett and me, no doubt trying to sort out our intentions. "Really? Well then what… oh shit! Did he? Are you two together now?" Rose was practically salivating and wrapped her arms around me, momentarily disregarding the unsettled issue between us.
"Yes and no," I said into her shoulder.
Still squeezing me around the waist, Rose pulled back and looked at me, but she spoke to Emmett. "What's she talking about Babe? What's 'yes and no' here?" Her forehead creased.
"Well," Emmett said and reached out, pulling her closer to him. "Edward called it off, but now Bella says they think they shouldn't see each other for a while." He gave an award worthy eye roll which Rose missed out on since she was busy rolling hers as well.
"So," Emmett said, encircling Rose in his arms. "I was thinking we need to make sure they have to spend time together. Like a bunch a big ol' mandatory get-togethers."
Oh, don't do what I think you're going to do Emmett. Don't do it this way.
Rose looked up at him skeptically and he cupped her chin. Emmett looked deeply into her eyes and I only hoped he had come up with the perfect words to recover from such an atrocious set up. Instinctively, I scooted back into the corner.
"Rose, let's get married. Wanna take one for the team?"
Oh. My. God.
I couldn't even open my eyes. The fabric of the universe was certainly unweaving around me. That proposal warranted the end of the humanity itself; we were not worthy to go on roaming the earth.
Emmett Cullen was at the epicenter of our doom.
Hearing nothing, I peeked with one eye and saw Rose and Emmett kissing and holding onto one another tightly.
Huh. To each his own.
Finally, Rose pulled back and grabbed him by the shoulders. "That was awful. You're gonna have to make up for that." Emmett nodded his head in sheepish agreement.
I knew Rose and I had to talk more. She did, ultimately, end up asking me to be her maid of honor and I agreed. I'd never seen the two of them so cute together, always touching or beaming at one another.
It was getting late and I'd been trying to say my goodbyes for an hour, but Emmett kept coming up with random things to ask me about. He wanted to know what I thought of Cedarbrook Farm for a location. He wanted to know about the raccoons and Esme. Whenever he thought I wasn't looking, I caught him checking his phone. When he asked me about where I'd run off to the night before, I decided it was time to go.
I hugged Rose and congratulated them both. As Emmett let me out the front door, Edward was climbing the steps of the porch. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he looked better than I would've wagered as he smiled, almost shyly, up at me.
"Hey, Bro. It's about time," Emmett said from the doorway.
Edward raised an eyebrow at him. "Your text said it was important." He quickly looked back at me, looked me up and down actually, in a concerned survey. "Is everything okay?" Then he spoke softer, only to me. "Are you okay Bella?"
Emmett slapped the doorframe and Edward and I both looked at him. "Everything's great. Gonna marry Rose. Thanks for coming. Gotta go." And with that he shut the door, leaving Edward and I open mouthed and alone on the porch.
The night air swirled around us, probably cold, but I could sense nothing beyond the man standing near me.
He was there. He could have been so many places. He had been so many other places for so long.
"I thought you'd be asleep somewhere," I said after a beat.
"I was, for a while." I heard him step closer to me. I realized I'd been looking at my shoes, so I looked up at him. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced out over the yard.
"Until Emmett asked you to come?"
He stepped closer still. His look was searching; he barely blinked. "Emmett only contacted me about an hour ago."
Why would he…unless…me…
"Then how… how are you here so quickly?"
Before he could answer, I scuffed across the painted wooden planks of the porch, closing the distance between us as much as I dared. This was the simplest of tasks; this I could manage, for me, for him. He could have easily taken my hand if I moved at all.
I saw his eyes move down to where we nearly touched. The fingers of his hand flexed and pulled back fractionally. "I was already on my way back."
He breathed a deep breath and seemed to steady himself. "Bella, I know we said that we wouldn't see each other for a while, but I hope you don't consider that a promise." His hand brushed against mine. "Because I won't ever break a promise to you."
Shoving aside all the familiar protective layers of doubt and fear, some frighteningly real and others even more terrifying because I'd had to finally admit they were imagined, I moved my hand to entwine with his. His mouth opened and I noticed his chest rise as he took in a long breath. Then, keeping our hands and forearms together, he raised our mutual clasp up, and slowly, individually, brought each of my knuckles to his lips.
He pulled our hands to his chest and leaned over to lay his forehead against mine. "If you still think we shouldn't see each other, then we better close our eyes. I'm not going anywhere."