Thank you all so much for the incredible response to the last chapter! I really wasn't expecting it so thank you so much! Your reviews honestly mean so much more to me than you'll ever know so thank you all; and thank you to everyone who has followed me, this story and made it a favourite too!
This chapter contains some things that might be found distressing. Child abuse, homophobia, talks of self harm.
Chapter Ten
I spent an entire week at Brittany's before I felt able to move about more easily. The pain wasn't something that eased but I'd dealt with it all before and knew how to handle myself. In all honesty this week had been the best I could remember. The first few days were tough. I slept for most of them, Brittany lying by my side the whole time. Sometimes she'd put a movie on but I don't recall staying up long enough to see what happened in any of them.
For the first couple of days Brittany would nurse me, putting cream on my bruises and plasters over the smaller cuts. She fed me too, some of the best meals I've ever eaten in my life. She was like the mother I'd never had.
On the night before I was planning to go back home I was lying in Brittany's bed, waiting for her to return from her shower. She rarely left me alone and had even taken a couple of days off of school to stay with me. She'd told the school that I wasn't well; all I had to do was follow the story and call Principal Figgins every morning to keep him updated.
I closed my eyes and flattened my palms on the mattress beneath me. Using all the strength I could muster I pushed myself up and leant against the headboard for support. I clenched my teeth through the pain and waited until it'd subsided. This pain was something I was used to but that didn't make it any easier.
The shower was still running so I hesitantly pulled my sleeves up to my elbows and ran my fingers over the cuts. They were starting to heal now as I hadn't done it for a week due to being here. I didn't even have anything with me that I could use and besides, Brittany rarely left me alone. Even when she went to school all I could do was sleep, the days bleeding into one.
"What are they?"
My head spun around at the voice and my sleeves slipped back down. Brittany was standing in her pyjamas, her hair still wet swinging by her shoulders. She didn't look surprised, or shocked, or anything really. Just... sad.
"It's nothing," I said, trying to smile but failing. "What movie are we watching tonight?" I took the remote from her bedside table and began flicking through the channels. "There's a few on I thought you might like,"
"Santana," Brittany sat down next to me and took the remote from my hands. "You don't have to lie to me,"
I didn't say anything. I couldn't look at Brittany's face and see that sadness again. I couldn't look at her and know I was responsible for it. I didn't even try to deny it any more. I wanted to but I'd spent the past few months lying to her and that didn't make for the best relationships.
"Listen, I can't say I understand... Are you doing it to yourself?" Brittany said, frowning slightly as I nodded. "Okay, well... I'm not gonna have a go at you about it. I just want you to tell me something, why do you do it?"
I looked up at her. She smiled encouragingly at me, the sadness still in her eyes.
"I do it because... I feel so numb inside, I just need some kind of... feeling," I said, trying to explain the best I can.
"But your parents... They make you... feel," Brittany said, taking my hands in hers. "And don't tell me it's not your parents, I've known for a while,"
I looked away again, not confirming or denying what she was saying. It was safer for her if she didn't know anything for sure.
"I... Let's not talk about this," I said, smiling softly at her. "I don't do it all the time, just when it gets a bit harder,"
Brittany leant forward until our foreheads connected. She felt warm to the touch.
"I love you," She said quietly.
Once again she'd shocked me into silence. And proved my mom wrong. A tear slipped down my cheek at her words. I had never felt loved before, by anyone. To hear Brittany tell me she loved me was something she'd never understand.
"I love you too," I said.
She smiled then, a smile that started at the corner of her mouth and spread across her entire face. When she kissed me I swear my heart exploded. She was incredibly gentle, her hands soft on my face. Brittany pulled away first, her face flushed.
"I have a song for you," She said, standing up and grabbing her CD player.
"Brittany... I, I can't sing," I said, my hands shaking in my lap now.
"Is this what your parents got pissed for?" Brittany asked, her hand stilling over the play button.
I almost laughed. Every guess she was having tonight was spot on. But I couldn't tell her that. I stayed silent again, looking straight at her. She walked over and sat down again, her mind racing with things she could say.
"They don't have to know," She said, thinking carefully. "It's just you and me here and I won't tell them. Plus, it's not like you've been singing in Glee club is it? So if they ask Mr Schue he'll say you haven't because... well, you haven't,"
"When did you get so smart?" I asked her, smiling in spite of myself.
"I've always been smart, I just hide it," Brittany said, smiling back. "Look, you don't have to sing, but join in if you want,"
I sighed and watched as Brittany stood up and pressed the play button. The music came through the speakers and I closed my eyes, smiling, already knowing the song.
'And I, never thought I'd feel this way,
And as far as I'm concerned,
I'm glad I got the chance to say,
That I do believe I love you,
And if, I should ever go away,
Well then close your eyes and try,
To feel the way we do today,
And then if you can remember,
Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me,
For sure,
That's what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I'll be on your side forever more,
That's what friends are for,
Well you came and opened me,
And now there's so much more I see,
And so, by the way, I thank you,
And then for the times when we're apart,
Well then close your eyes and know,
These words are coming from my heart,
And then if you can remember,
Brittany smiled as I started singing. It felt so good to sing again, so good in fact that I stood up, flinching. Brittany immediately came forward and took my hands, keeping me upright but smiling too as I sang to her.
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
For sure,
That's what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I'll be on your side forever more,
That's what friends are for,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
For sure,
That's what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I'll be on your side forever more,
That's what friends are for,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
For sure,
That's what friends are for,
We finished the song together, our voices joining together in the perfect harmony. Brittany wrapped her arms around me then, my head falling comfortably on her shoulder.
"Thank you," She murmured. "Now let's get you back into bed,"
X
Brittany dropped me off outside my house just after eight o' clock on Sunday evening. She'd wanted to drop me back as late as possible to be a bit safer and I didn't have the heart to tell her that my parents didn't stop whatever it was they decided to do because of it being dark outside.
I glanced nervously into the front window but the curtains were pulled shut so I couldn't see if they were in there or not.
"Can you call me later and let me know you're okay?" Brittany asked, her eyes filled with anxiety as she took in the house too.
"Yeah, of course I will," I said, turning back to face her. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine,"
Even as I said these words I didn't believe them. I'd been away from them for a week. They'd either be furious or disappointed to see me again. The disappointment I could handle. The fury I couldn't. I was still in quite a lot of pain, even climbing out of the car hurt. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I got out. My face wasn't as bad any more. You could still see the fading bruises but they weren't bad ones.
Brittany came around to my side of the car and embraced me again. I held onto her for as long as I could, taking in her smell, her heat, anything I could to keep with me when I went inside. She pulled away and kissed my forehead softly.
"Be careful," She said quietly.
"I will be, don't worry, Britt, please," I said. "I'll call you,"
She nodded then watched as I walked steadily up the path and braced myself for the reaction I'd receive. Before I knocked I turned around and told her she had to go. She briefly closed her eyes then got back into her car and drove to the end of the road where I would still be in view.
I knocked quickly, before I could change my mind, and waited for one of them to answer the door. My heart started pounding in my chest as the porch light switched on and my mom's outline appeared. She opened the door and froze; her expression one of shock. She moved aside slightly and I walked inside, my heart still going at a hundred miles an hour.
"Where have you been?" She asked me, shutting the door.
"I was with a friend," I said, again, not much of a lie.
"And you didn't think to tell us?"
"I... My phone, it's here," I told her, not looking her in the eye.
"And this friend of yours didn't have one?"
I didn't answer her. I didn't know what to say. She walked towards me and crossed her arms, as if waiting for me to speak. But I had nothing to tell her, nothing she'd care about anyway.
"I can't say we were worried about you, because we weren't," Her mom said. "But do you not think, that after everything we've done for you, that a phone call telling us where you were would have been nice?"
"I was at a friend's house, working on a project, for... History," I said, my hands sweaty by my sides.
"Do you realise that the police may have got involved? Do you want that, Santana? Do you want them to take us away so you'll never see us again? Is that what you want? Is this some kind of attention seeking thing?"
"The police? Mom, they wouldn't have got involved unless someone thought I was missing or something," I said slowly. "And no, it wasn't attention seeking, I just had to do a project,"
"I don't even know how long you've been gone," Her mom said frowning.
"Long enough not to come back,"
I turned around to see my father walking towards me, yet more alcohol in his hands. His speech was slurred and he was walking funny, like he couldn't stand up properly.
"Why did you come back, huh? You decide to leave, without telling us, and then you decide to turn up again and expect us to fall at your feet and thank God you're home?" My father spat.
"I came back because this is... This is home," I said, stepping back as the stench of vodka filled my nose.
"This isn't your home, Santana," He slurred my name. "This has never been your home,"
I shook my head at him, trying to make excuses; he's drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying. But I could tell he believed what he was saying. I didn't know whether to believe it or not. It's hard to name anywhere else home when you've never had any different.
"You know, when you didn't come back after a couple of days, I thought you'd gone, for good," My mom said. "And I was... Happy, because all you ever were, all you ever are, is an accident, an accident that should never have happened,"
Her words stung more than any hit my dad had ever given me. They cut me in half, my heart feeling battered and broken all at once. I couldn't stop the tears from coming but they barely noticed. My mom walked away from me, slamming the kitchen door shut and my dad sauntered back down to his office.
I couldn't catch my breath. I was relieved to have gotten away without a beating but her words cut me right to the core. I walked up the stairs slowly, no longer aware of the pain I felt before. All I could feel now was an emptiness; my own mom hadn't wanted me.
My room was exactly the way I left it. I suddenly felt so exhausted that I didn't even change out of the clothes Brittany had given me. I collapsed on my bed and hugged my pillow to my chest, the tears seeping through the fabric.
They hadn't hit me yet but it wasn't over, not by a long shot. This? It was only just beginning.
X
I kept my head down at school the next day. The bruises hadn't exactly gone but they weren't as noticeable any more. I still wanted to be careful though, especially with Mr Schue breathing down my neck. Brittany was stood by my locker when I reached it. The bell for lunch had just gone and somehow she had managed to rearrange her timetable so that we'd have lunches together.
"Hey," She said, observing my features.
"Hey,"
"How are you feeling today?" She asked, her hand lightly touching my forehead but leaving just as quickly.
"I'm okay," I told her honestly. I wasn't as hurt as yesterday; her words still stung but after sleeping on it I felt a little better. "What do you have next?"
"We have Glee club, remember?" Brittany said, suddenly worried again like I was losing my mind.
"I'm not going to Glee," I said. It shamed me to admit it but when I spoke my insides curled up. It pained me to have made this decision but I couldn't risk it, at least not yet.
"Santana," Brittany began but I put my hand up to silence her.
"I can't be a part of it anymore," I said quietly. "I'm sorry,"
Before Brittany could say anything else I closed my locker and made to walk away. But a voice called me back. A voice I hadn't heard for at least a month. A voice that made me feel cold inside. A voice that had me shrinking against the wall, as if I expected something to come out of this.
Quinn Fabray was walking towards me, heads turning to look at her as she did. She paid no attention to them, however, just focused on me. Brittany stepped in front of her just before she reached me, causing her to stop in her tracks.
"What do you want?" She asked her, venom in her tone.
"I just want to speak to Santana," Quinn said, glancing back at me when she said my name.
"She's got nothing to say to you,"
"Please, just hear me out," Quinn said, begging me with her eyes to give her a chance.
"Britt, it's okay," I said.
Brittany turned around and looked at me in disbelief but she let Quinn pass her anyway. I clutched my books to my chest but didn't look at her when she was stood in front of me. I was scared to. She was everything everyone wanted to be, so why was she talking to me?
"I... I wanted to apologise," Quinn said, paying no attention to Brittany who was stood next to me, her arms folded.
Whatever I thought I'd hear it wasn't that. Once again I found myself in a situation where I didn't know what to say. But Quinn kept talking and this gave me more time to figure out what words I could speak in response.
"What I did to you, and things I said to you were out of order," Quinn said, her eyes on me despite the fact that she was obviously nervous. "I don't know why I did it, any of it, and I'm sorry,"
Even Brittany didn't speak. She looked at me softly, wondering what my reaction was going to be but I'd run out of time and I still didn't know what to say.
"I get that you don't want to talk to me, maybe not ever but just know that I am sorry and... it won't happen again. That I can promise," Quinn finished, nodding slightly to herself.
I nodded too, the only sign of hearing her I could offer. She smiled and walked away, the student body watching her as she did. I turned to Brittany who was still looking at me, waiting.
"Well, I didn't expect that," I said quietly.
"I didn't either," Brittany said.
"Do you think she meant it?" I asked, looking down. I was just thinking of myself again and I felt for sure Brittany would have a go at me for it.
"I don't know," She said honestly. "She's never apologised to anyone before, I can't see why she'd start now but I saw it in her eyes. She believed what she was saying. Whether she meant it or not is a different matter,"
I didn't say anything. Brittany took my silence as me agreeing with her and kissed me gently. Then she made her way to Glee club without a backwards glance.
X
The next couple of days passed without incident. My parents continued to ignore me but for once it didn't bother me. I started to see Quinn more since she'd apologised and now she even smiled at me when we passed in the corridor. Mr Schue had spoken to me once since I'd told Brittany I was quitting Glee club. He said he was sorry to see me go, that I had a talent, but also said he was there for me if I needed him. I'd nodded and thanked him but inside I was just grateful that he'd leave me alone now.
Kurt had found me after school one day sat in my car, looking through the windshield as if it would help me somehow. He'd said he wouldn't ask for my reasons behind quitting but said he missed me and hoped we could still be friends outside of Glee too. This time I didn't need to lie. I'd thanked him, truthfully, and told him yes; of course we could still be friends. After he touched the faded outline of the bruises on my face with a touch that matched Brittany's regarding softness.
I sighed, my eyes heavy but focused on the road. The rain was torrential, pouring down like it'd never rained before. I could barely see the cars coming at me from the opposite road. I pulled into the drive and practically ran to the front door, shielding my face from the rain with the hood of my coat.
I fumbled slightly with the key but made it inside eventually. I closed the door slowly so as not to make any noise and put my bag at the bottom of the stairs. I flung my coat over the radiator, hoping it would dry out before tomorrow, and went upstairs, to the safe haven of my room.
I sat down on the edge of my bed and ran a hand through my hair. Brittany had told me she loved me again today, just before I left to come home. She'd been pissed off though because I hadn't answered any of her texts for a few days and that's when I remembered that I'd left my phone here when I'd stayed with her. But where was it?
I stood up and began rummaging through my drawers, throwing everything out of them. I searched through all the pockets of my clothes and under the bed. I upended the bed to see if I'd slept with it and it'd fallen down the side. I went through my desk; maybe I left it there after work or something?
When I'd turned my entire room inside out I went to the laundry basket at the top of the stairs. I could have put some clothes in there without realising my phone was in the pocket. I searched through all the clothes piled high in there but came out with no phone. I frowned; I wouldn't have left it downstairs.
"Looking for something?"
I turned around. My dad was walking towards me, my phone in his left hand, a knife in his left. He looked drunk again but his speech wasn't affected this time. My mom followed him out of their bedroom, looking disgusted about something that I couldn't put my finger on.
"Thank you," I said quietly, holding my hand out for the phone.
He passed it back to my mom who held it like she would a spider. I was completely aware of the knife in his hand but tried not to show him that it bothered me. I didn't know what they were so mad about but I knew they'd waste no time in telling me.
"Who's Brittany?" He asked me.
My heart stopped. How did he know about Brittany? My eyes immediately travelled to the phone in my mom's hand and I closed my eyes. How could I have been so stupid?
"She's a... friend, from school," I said.
"A friend," My dad sneered.
"What kind of friend sends message to another girl saying things like this?" My mom interrupted scrolling through my phone.
I tensed and made to grab it from her but my dad pushed his arm across my chest, holding me back.
"I really do think I love you,"
"I don't know how I survived sixteen years without you,"
"You mean everything to me,"
My mom read through my messages with a scowl on her face, an edge to her tone. I looked down.
"Friends can say things like that to each other," I said, shrugging as if I wasn't scared beyond belief.
"Do they say this too?"
"You're my world,"
"You're everything beautiful in this world,"
Then she delivered the killer blow.
"I'm so happy we're together, you don't know how long I've waited for you,"
My hands began to shake at my sides when she finished speaking. I needed to get in control of myself but they knew they'd found me out. Their smiles said it all.
"Is there anything you want to tell us?" My father said, an evil glint in his eyes.
I stayed silent. My mom laughed then, a shrill laugh that went right through me.
"I knew I should have aborted you," She spat, handing my phone back to me. "People like you have no place on this earth,"
"Maybe this is a disease," My father mused, looking me over. "Maybe that's why you're such a disappointment. This disease has been festering inside of you, it's not your fault, but maybe we can cure it,"
"Dad, it's who I am," I whispered, looking straight at him when I spoke. "It's part of me,"
I knew the punch was coming but I wasn't prepared for it. Once again I found myself curled up on the floor above the stairs, my father standing above me, spitting abuse and kicking me repeatedly all over. The last kick he delivered was in the face. I felt my nose break, the blood dribbling down my chin instantly. He turned away from me, wiping his brow with his free hand.
I reached a shaking hand out to the wall, leaving a bloody handprint there, and hoisted myself up from the floor. They watched me carefully as I leant against the wall, breathing heavily as if I'd been running. My head was spinning but I was determined to keep myself standing.
"This Brittany, did you force her into it?" My mom asked me, taking no notice of my desperation to get the bleeding to stop.
"No, she... she loves me," I said, blood dripping into my mouth.
"Don't give me that shit," She said, looking appalled. "Is she a dyke too then, huh?"
"Don't call her that," I said suddenly angry. They could say what they wanted about me but not Brittany.
"We seem to have touched a raw spot," My father said, smiling at my mom who smiled back at him.
I stumbled forward, towards them, using the banister for support. I needed some tissue or a towel or something to staunch the flow but they wouldn't let me pass. My father pushed me backwards slightly and I wobbled precariously, aware of the staircase directly behind me.
"Dad, please," I begged him, grasping his arm.
Maybe it was my touch, maybe it was begging with him, maybe it was the information they'd learnt. I felt the knife before I saw it. I felt as it pierced my skin, entering my stomach. I felt the blood seep through my shirt as he removed the knife, looking at it as if he didn't know what it was.
I held both hands to my stomach, pressing hard, my mouth rounded in shock. My father leaned closer to me, his breath hot on my ear.
"We don't do lesbians," He murmured.
I could feel the darkness pressing in on all sides and I wasn't ready for it to come through. I felt my knees hit the floor beneath me but instead of falling forwards I fell backwards. My entire body collided with each and every step. My leg caught in the railing and twisted painfully. Despite the lack of energy I had I cried out, my head colliding with the floor.
I looked up, dazed, and saw my parents back away. The darkness was back but I didn't want to die. I wasn't ready. With all the energy I could find I pulled my phone out of my pocket and shakily called 911. I could barely see through the dots in my eyes so I closed them, fighting against it every second.
"Hello, what do you request? An ambulance, the police or a fire service?" The voice asked me.
"A... An ambulance..." I choked out, the blood still seeping through my shirt.
I managed to choke out my address and then hung up; knowing help was on its way. I was prepared to let the darkness come now. They might not reach me in time but they'd be there. Just before it enshrouded me my phone started ringing again. I felt across the floor for it and instead grabbed my coat from the radiator. I held it to my stomach, ignoring the pain, and grasped my phone firmly.
I couldn't see the number flashing on the screen but I answered it anyway, hoping for a voice, anyone's voice to stay with me until they arrived or until I let go.
"H... Hello," I said.
"San? What's wrong?" Brittany's voice, the best possible voice, came down the phone.
"I... I'm..." I tried to speak to her but I felt my breaths getting shorter and faster.
"Santana, talk to me," Brittany said, her voice now fully of worry. "I'm coming over, just stay on the phone for me, okay?"
"I... I love you," I ground out, my teeth clenching as the pain ripped through me.
"I love you too, baby," Brittany said, the sound of a car starting in the background. "Haven't I told you that all along?"
I couldn't speak anymore. I'd told her what I needed to. I managed to stay on for a while but the darkness was winning and the dots in my eyes were slowly beginning to go away. When I heard the sirens outside I let out the breath I'd been holding. I heard Brittany's panicked voice, I heard the paramedics outside the door, I heard my own heart beating behind my eyes. I felt nothing as my arm dropped to the floor, the phone falling from my grasp.
I open my eyes.
Well, that chapter was incredibly hard for me to write. Really hard in fact. But it had to be done. I hope it wasn't too bad from your point of view and please read and review to let me know what you thought! Again, I really appreciate the response I've had to this story. It means the world to me.