Thank you to my Beta reader EvelynRo, for making this readable!
Disclaimer: I do not own Pride and Prejudice
A/N: Just in case you have forgotten.
The narrator will be using their actual names; however, the other characters, especially those unaware of the switch will be using their assumed names. Thoughts are italicized. In the last chapter I experimented with adding of (faux) before the false names. I will be continuing that in this chapter as well, since I got mixed responses from the reviews and am unable to decide.
Recap: Mr. Darcy, or the faux Colonel Fitzwilliam talks to Elizabeth thanks to the matchmaking attempts of Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst. News reaches Mrs. Bennet that Lizzy is no longer the favorite of (faux) Mr. Darcy but his cousin. Jane finally gets better and the sisters leave for home. Mr. Bennet announces that their cousin, Mr. Collins, is coming…
Chapter 11: The enigma that is Collins
Mr. Collins was punctual to his time and was received with great politeness by the whole family. Mr. Bennet indeed said little, but the ladies were ready enough to talk, and Mr. Collins seemed neither in need of encouragement, nor inclined to be silent himself.
He was a tall, heavy-looking young man of five-and-twenty. Yet he tried to look much older than his years, something Lizzy found most comical. He had not been long seated before he complimented Mrs. Bennet on having so fine a family of daughters.
"I have heard much about the beauty of my fair cousins, madam," he said, "But I daresay I was misinformed. My fair cousins are far more beautiful than I was told and far more than I imagined. I am sure they will all be blissfully settled in matrimony, very soon. "
The said fair cousins plastered their fake smiles, with the exception of Jane, smiles came easily to Jane. Lizzy's cheeks ached as she controlled her laughter while Mary only smiled because her mother had told her so. Only Mrs Bennet remarked positively.
"You are very kind, I am sure, and I wish with all my heart it may prove so," said Mrs Bennet, "for else they will be destitute enough. Things are settled so oddly."
"You allude, perhaps, to the entail of this estate."
"Ah! Sir, I do indeed. It is a grievous affair to my poor girls, you must confess. Not that I mean to find fault with you, for such things I know are all chance in this world. There is no knowing how estates will go when once they come to be entailed."
"I am very sensible, madam, of the hardship to my fair cousins, and could say much on the subject, but that I am cautious of appearing forward and precipitate. But I can assure the young ladies that I come prepared to admire them. At present, I will not say more; but, perhaps, when we are better acquainted—"
Mr Collins was interrupted by Mrs Hill, the housekeeper.
"Dinner is served," she said quite primly as she was instructed to.
"Very well, then we much move to the dining room," Mrs Bennet remarked and one by one all the girls and Mr Collins left the sitting room, followed by Mrs Bennet. They oddly resembled sheep with Mrs Bennet as their shepherdess.
"What a wonderful dining room you have, Mrs Bennet," exclaimed Mr Collins on arriving, "It reminds me much of the small dining room near Miss de Bourgh's chambers where she and Lady Catherine sometimes eat when her ladyship feels Miss de Bourgh is unwell.
"I imagine her room would be larger than what you are used to in the parsonage?" Mrs Bennet could not help being less than civil when provoked thus.
"When I say small, I guess one gets such impressions," Mr Collins expertly tried to diffuse the situation, "But I simply meant that Miss de Bourgh's room is smaller than the main dining hall where her ladyship receives guests. Perhaps someday we might be dining there together if we are so fortunate."
"Do you dine with Lady Catherine often?" Mrs Bennet enquired.
"Lady Catherine de Bourgh requests for my company, often," said Mr Collins. "Are those dining chairs made from elm wood?"
"Yes indeed," said Mrs Bennet, "I changed them a few years ago when elm became fashionable."
"Lady Catherine prefers elm wood to all other woods," said Mr Collins, "though she thinks I should use cheaper wood to furnish my parsonage. Quite rightly so, or I would exceed my income."
He droned on and on about the other pieces of furniture, praising them and perhaps evaluating them. Mrs Bennet was rather uncomfortable throughout his speech. Then the food arrived. Collins did justice to his heavy looking frame by filling up his plate with everything on the table and taking huge second helpings of the things he liked.
"The food is excellent Mrs Bennet," said Collins, "I must compliment you on the table you set Mrs Bennet."
"Thank you, Mr Collins," said Mrs Bennet graciously. She couldn't help adding, "I have been told I am gifted there, by a good many people. Many people, indeed."
"And they are right Madam," said Mr Collins, "Why the tongue was as good as the one I get in Rosings Park and the broiled chicken quite frankly was better than the one served there. So which of my fair cousins do I owe this excellent meal to?"
"Mr Collins, I fail to understand," said Mrs Bennet. "What could you mean by asking such a thing?"
"Only that the meal is excellent and surely one of my cousins must have helped you prepare it?"
"Help me prepare it! Oh no, Mr Collins, you quite misunderstood me," she said rather brusquely. "When I say I am gifted I meant to say I am gifted in setting up the menu. The actual cooking we leave to the cook, of course. We may not be as rich as Lady Catherine de Bourgh, but we can certainly manage to afford a cook and none of my daughters would set foot in the kitchens. That is not what I am raising them to be."
"I am so sorry to have offended you thus," said Mr Collins. "Please accept my sincerest apologies. Believe me, Madam, when I asked about the food,, I did not realise that I would be causing such offence."
"That is quite alright, Mr Collins, I was never offended."
"But, Madam, it was still very wrong of me to assume. A grave mistake. My fair cousins are gentlewomen and I thought they had something to do with the cooking. How foolish of me! I hope my dear fair cousins will forgive this slight of mine. I know fair ladies, even the gentlest, can become rather cruel when slighted– "
"Mr Collins, you must not think we were slighted," said Jane sweetly.
"Moreover, working in the kitchen is not a sin," added Elizabeth. "One of my dear friends, Charlotte Lucas, helps in the kitchen."
"The Lucases, of course, are very different sort of people," said Mrs Bennet. "Sir William is a true gentleman, but he was a trader before he was knighted."
"All the same, Cousin Elizabeth," said Mr Collins. "You must allow me to make amends. I have lived away from the society of fair and gentle maidens, save for Miss de Bourgh, and she is too sickly to help me understand the sensibilities and delicacies of the fairer sex. You must bear with me, this boorish cousin of yours . . . "
He droned on thus for another quarter of an hour.
Mrs Bennet prodded Mary to somehow silence him and advance her cause. But,, for all her reading, Mary was silent.
Mr Bennet, who had been rather passive until then, decided to help his wife at last. When the servants were withdrawn, he spoke up.
"Cousin, from your letter I gathered," he said in a measured tone, "that you have been rather fortunate in your patroness. That an illustrious lady, like Lady Catherine de Bourgh's shows attention to your wishes, and consideration for your comfort, is rather remarkable. You must admit."
"I know what you mean, Cousin," said Mr Collins. "I have never in my life witnessed such behaviour, myself, in a person of rank—such affability and condescension, as I experienced from Lady Catherine. She had been graciously pleased to approve of both of the discourses which I had the honour of preaching before her. She had also asked me twice to dine at Rosings. The dinners there are simply marvellous. She invites the most genteel of people there, but, of course, there is a dearth of gentlemen in the county. Only the Saturday before, Lady Catherine invited me to make up her pool of quadrille in the evening."
"Yes, that is surprising behaviour," said Mr Bennet, amusement dancing in his eyes. "People of her rank are rather proud some may say, for they do not associate with those beneath them."
"Lady Catherine is reckoned proud by many people I know, but I have never seen anything but affability in her. She always speaks to me as she would to any other gentleman. She even advised me to marry as soon as possible to a gentlewoman so as to set an example to my parish."
"She certainly takes an interest in the affairs of the parish," said Mr Bennet.
"Indeed, yes! She has even paid me a visit in my humble parsonage, to see if I was making the alterations she suggested─ some shelves in the closet upstairs."
Mrs Bennet, bored with the topic, asked more about Lady Catherine de Bourgh and her family.
"Miss de Bourgh, has she been presented? I do not remember her name among the ladies at court."
"It is her ill heath that prevents her from being in town."
As Mr Collins and Mrs Bennet continued to converse some more, Elizabeth reflected that Mr Collins was not a sensible man, something she had already gathered from his letters. Lady Catherine, however, reminded her of someone else: (Faux) Colonel Fitzwilliam. Lady Catherine was a daughter of an earl, who people believed was proud. The Colonel was the son of an earl that others thought to be proud. If Mr Collins was to be trusted, Lady Catherine wasn't really proud, and as for the (faux) Colonel, she was unable to sketch his character, yet. And then there was (faux) Mr Darcy. He had clearly stated he needed a good dower, so was not all well with Pemberley? Or was he simply being ambitious?
'Why would a man with ten thousand a year need money from his wife?' thought Elizabeth. Her mother was not the brightest woman but even she could see something was off.
Perhaps Mr Collins could shed some light into this. It was a long shot but who know maybe the two gentlemen had some connection with Lady Catherine after all.
Their first day with Mr Collins passed tolerably enough. On one occasion, Lydia was rather rude to him by interrupting him while he was reading out from Fordyce's sermons in the most monotonous of tones.
"When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of beauty.
The men will complain of your reserve. They will assure you that a franker behaviour would make you more amiable. But, trust me, they are not sincere when they tell you so. I acknowledge that on some occasions it might render you more agreeable as companions, but it would make you less amiable as women; an important distinction –"
Lydia was scolded by both Jane and Elizabeth and then, to her surprise, by her mother. Lydia had not expected that; she was rather shocked. Surely her mother and sisters did not enjoy his reading to them! In fact, she was sure only Mary cared for such books. Lydia was confused, but sorry she was not.
Her interruption had stopped Mr Collins from reading, and for all their half-hearted efforts Jane, Elizabeth and Mary couldn't get him to read to them again. Lydia thought of it as a victory. Mrs Bennet wasn't happy, but Mr Collins didn't really seem offended so she hoped no lasting harm was done.
Mr Collins was in no hurry to be offended. He was a single man of some fortune, and now that Lady Catherine had given him her blessings, he was seeking out a wife. He was in some measure taken in by Miss Jane Bennet's beauty and she was settled to be his choice.
She is also the eldest and deference must be paid to the senior most, thoughtthough Mr Collins.
However, the next morning, a tête-à-tête with Mrs Bennet changed his mind.
"Your wish to make amends is perfectly understandable," said Mrs Bennet. "It is the gentlemanly thing to do. So I must warn you, Jane and Elizabeth will soon be engaged to other gentlemen. But my younger daughters are free of any attachments."
"I see," said Mr Collins gravely. Of all the daughters, Miss Bennet and Miss Elizabeth seemed the most suitable. Miss Mary, better than the younger girls, was rather plain. Miss Kitty, on the other hand, was much under Miss Lydia's influence. He was trying to make up his mind when Mrs Bennet hinted that Mary was the most religious of the girls and most suitable to be the clergyman's wife.
It was either Mary or Kitty, thought William Collins and he wasn't excited by either match.
Mrs Bennet, on the other hand, thought she might soon have three daughters married; and the man whom she could not bear to speak of the day before was now high in her good graces.
A/N: Happy new year 2016! I thought I would update this by Christmas but a lot of things came up: my job, which I am slowly disliking and despising, is mainly responsible for my general listlessness but then I also caught this horrible cold! I stayed in bed for almost a week.
So feedback on the use of (faux) still appreciated. Also I am thinking of stating my own blog, doing book reviews and talking about characters. Like Collins for instance, we think he is really stupid but is he truly?
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