Chapter 11
He doesn't sleep. He tries, he really does, because the insanity of the past few days has really taken its toll on him, and the only way to get out of this is to keep a rational mind. He takes to reading through one of Gaius' books, hoping that this will be the one to have answers in it. It isn't, he discovers after an hour or so of flipping through its pages. He stares, deflated, out of the window, the inky blackness of the sky revealing nothing but the few stars that are out tonight.
The old man is snoring quietly in his bed that is just around the corner. It's comforting, hearing something so familiar in this alien situation. Merlin can't help but smile, remembering when he first arrived in Camelot, meeting Gaius, who is like a father to him. The poor man had never bargained for this when he had agreed to take Merlin in. But, really, who would have expected it all to unfold like this?
For the umpteenth time, he berates himself. He should have made different choices, stood up for what he knew was right, rather than be cowed by the thought of what 'might' be to come. Who knows, though? Maybe everything would have played out the same regardless. Fate has a cruel sense of humour.
Which is probably why him and Morgana are currently each trapped inside the others' body. The fact that this, of all things, has offered him the opportunity to reconcile with her is, in its own twisted way, funny. And completely awkward. An old daydream of his pops into his head. He used to imagine that he would tell her about his magic and follow up his announcement with a gentle kiss on her forehead in apology, to tell her that she wasn't alone anymore. Of course, that was before the poisoning and the betrayal, before everything became so complicated and the biggest obstacle to his feelings for her was their differing ranks. Now there are layers of hatred that both of them have to work around, the breached trust, various attempted murders. And besides, he can't kiss himself, even though it's not him inside. That's just strange.
Merlin sits bolt upright. Where did that come from? Now is definitely not the time for feelings from years ago to spring back to life. For crying out loud, a few days ago being so close to her as she cleaned his wounds was repulsive to him, and now this is on his mind?
He sighs, shakes his head to clear it, and picks up another book.
Morgana wakes up feeling well rested. Surprisingly, the conversation from the previous night didn't haunt her dreams like she had expected. She's still angry and hurt, but this knowledge at least helps clear things up somewhat, relieves some of the confusion. Not that she'll ever tell him that.
She dresses hastily, noting with some amusement that the only clothing Merlin seems to own are red and blue versions of the same shirt and neckerchief. Plus that old jacket that he is always wearing.
He looks startled when she walks out of the small chambers and stares at her warily. "What?" she growls, feeling irritated by the unwanted attention.
He shakes his head and looks away. She can't help but notice how tired he looks, seeming as if he hasn't slept a wink since they arrived here.
"You look terrible," she points out to him.
"You realize you just insulted yourself, right?" he retorts, but there is a glint of humour in his eyes. "My face can handle little sleep much better than yours can, evidently."
She has one hand on the door knob, ready to go out. "Actually, you just have a constant dopey expression on your face that hides when you really are tired. Mine is much more refined." And she slips out the door before he can reply that, no, he does not always have a dopey expression on his face. He snorts when he realizes that her comment is also something that Arthur would agree with, not that she would appreciate the comparison.
Gaius has awoken and left to do the rounds on his patients by the time that she returns. Carrying a relatively full plate of food, enough for two people, she sets it down on the table and begins to divide it up. Merlin continues flipping through his book until she sets a plate down in front of him.
He looks up. "Thank you." Gives a small smile.
She scoffs. "I'm not doing this for you. I haven't had a proper meal in months, and I'm starting to look half starved. So do me a favour, will you, and eat up."
He doesn't seem to take offense. Instead, as she is taking her food back to his chambers to eat alone, he asks, "Did you get this from the kitchens?"
"How observant you are, Merlin," she rolls her eyes at him. "Where else would I get it from?"
"No, it's just that Cook doesn't appreciate the servants taking food from her kitchens. She's chased me out brandishing a rolling pin enough times for me to know." He pulls a face at the memories of the formidable woman threatening him with various cooking utensils. "She doesn't usually mind when Gaius goes down there, but she can't stand me."
She chuckles darkly at his last words. "You know, Merlin, I really can't blame her." And with that she closes the door behind her.
She decides to take a nap after her meal. It has been so long since she's slept in a real bed that she has to take advantage of theses accommodations while she can, no matter how humble they are. There is no comparison between an actual home and her dank little hovel.
Soon after she drifts off, a vision comes to her. She is standing in a forest. It's night, and the trees seem to be forming a cage around her, suffocating her, she's trapped. She feels so alone, but she isn't. There is someone there, someone who she can't make out. All she knows is that she is screaming at them, "You're Emrys? You're EMRYS?" and the panic is rising in her throat, her doom, her destiny and her doom is right in front of her and she can't even see who it is. She's trapped, she can't run, can only stand there in shock and terror, feeling her horror gripping her chest like a snake.
She awakes with a strangled cry, has broken out in a cold sweat. She storms out of the room, up to a concerned looking Merlin.
"Are you al-"
"My bracelet," she cuts him off. "I need my bracelet. Give it to me."
He glances at her mistrustfully, noting the wild look in her eyes. "Why?"
She growls, "Because I've just had a nightmare, you idiot, so give it to me!" She stands there with her arms crossed as he sighs and slips the band off of his arm. But he hesitates before he hands it to her.
"Are you sure you need it? Because if you forget to take it off when you're working for Arthur he'll recognize it and we'll be exposed."
Morgana looks like she is about to blast him into the next kingdom, so he raises his hands in mock surrender. "It was only a thought. Just remember to take it off whenever you leave Gaius' apartment."
He passes it to her, and she places it around her wrist. Not that it is of any help to her now that she is awake, but it is a relief to have it back, to know that when she next goes to sleep she won't be tormented by her visions. Hopefully. It's powers have been wavering recently... either that, or the visions have been too powerful for it to block.
Merlin returns to leafing through his book. Morgana paces the room for a while, still unable to shake the feeling of dread that her dream has left her with. She can't make sense of it, it was all blurry and dark. She already knows what Emrys looks like. The old man with the long white beard and startling blue eyes, he's appeared in her dreams before. But this time it was definitely not the old man. Even though she couldn't see who it was, she could... sense it. The same, but different. Knowing that Emrys has more than one appearance means that she will need to be more cautious than ever.
"You're lucky Gaius isn't here to see you pacing like that," Merlin tells her eventually. "It makes him anxious. He hates it when I do it."
She levels a glare at him, but stops. It's making her anxious, too, rather than helping her calm down. So she walks over to a large pile of books, gestures to them and asks, "Which of these haven't you two gone through already?"
He glances up briefly. "All of them. The pile of the ones that we have gone through is over there." He nods at a hopelessly small stack of books on the edge of the table. She sighs and picks one up, settling herself in the chair across from Merlin as she begins to search the pages for anything that might help them get out of this mess. She is so consumed by the task that she doesn't notice the small smile he sends her way at her effort to help.
I've been doing my best to update frequently, but I'm afraid it'll be a while before I post the next chapter. The next couple of weeks are going to be pretty busy for me and then school starts. Plus, at this point in the story I would like to do some serious editing on the chapters that are coming up (I do have a large chunk of the story written, but I'm not 100% happy with it at this point and I want to make sure it's up to snuff before I post anything more). So I'll have someone to proofread these upcoming chapters from now on, so far I've been the only one checking over the chapters and editing them.
I don't think it should take more than a few weeks for me to get this back on track. I hope you enjoyed this last update, and a big thank you to those of you who have read, reviewed, favourited, and followed! You guys are awesome, and I will be back to this story as soon as I can to continue it :)