Part III: Deader

Chapter 1: The Lotophagian Cocktail

Months after what would forever be referred to within the Titans as 'the Metropolis Public Relations Nuke,' everything had finally gotten back to normal. It had been hard work, but everything worthwhile in life was work, after all. The events had only served to strengthen the bonds between the government, the public, and superheroes in the long run, as all three were forced to work together to sort through the misunderstandings. And the Titans themselves had come out of it stronger, too. Like metal purified and hardened in a forge, they were a clean and unwavering fighting team now, and there was not a criminal or villain that failed to pay them due respect for it. In the face of such total competence even Batman had done the seemingly impossible (for him) and relaxed a little, taken to playing the father figure more... which suited Robin just fine. Batman was getting old, and the Titans had grown up.

Not so grown up that they stopped having needless arguments about food, though.

"SAUSAGE!"
"SAUTOFU!"
"THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD YOU LITTLE DYSLEXIC RUNT! GIMME THAT FRYING PAN!"

"Checkmate," Robin announced, having finally made the last move against Raven.

"NO WAY! YOU'LL JUST USE IT TO FRY UP SOME POOR HELPLESS PIG! PIGS ARE INTELLIGENT AND SENSITIVE ANIMALS AND THEY DESERVE YOUR RESPECT!"

"...I only lost because I'm getting a headache from those two idiots yelling," she muttered sourly.

"NO WAY AM I GONNA RESPECT AN ANIMAL THAT BATHES IN MUD ALL DAY! GIMME THE BUTTER, TOO!"

Robin chuckled. Okay, it had gone on long enough. "You want to stop it this time or should I?"

"Please, allow me."

Telekinetic violence commenced.

"Ack! Raveeeennn! Why'd I have to get the wedgie?!"

"Probably because Cyborg doesn't have any clothes on and therefore can't be wedgied."

"Dude... so what, Cy, you're like... naked, technically?"

"Well, with this line of conversation, I've suddenly lost my desire for breakfast," Raven said. She paused on her way out the door, though. "Uh... Robin, could I talk with you for a second?"

She was blushing a little. That was weird. It made her look cute... but still, very weird. Shrugging, he followed her out into the hall.

"What's up?"

One of her feet shuffled the floor nervously. She wasn't looking at him. He frowned slightly in confusion.

"Raven, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, just fine, it's just... um... I'm not sure how to say this."

"Take your time. There's no hurry."

"Well. You remember back when we decided... Starfire and I... that it was best to just not be with anyone? Given how complicated things were, and that it would be better to focus on our work and devote more time to training and being better superheroes..."

"Yeah, of course."

"I know it seems like hubris to say it, but we feel like we've come as far as we can in that direction. I don't think I can get any more adept in magic, and Starfire's just about hit her limit in physical power and starbolt projection. I mean, for crying out loud... in the past two weeks alone we've taken down Doomsday, a mind-controlled Superman, that alternate universe Thanos freak, Darkseid, and an army of skyscraper-sized Darth Vaders and Megatrons brought to life by Control Freak. Even when Slade somehow came back to life again, he didn't pose a threat... he spends most of his time now crying uncontrollably in that mental institution! We can afford to have a little more... distraction in life, I guess is what I'm trying to say."

"We're at the top so we might as well enjoy the view, eh? Never thought I'd hear that coming from you, though, Raven."

She glared a little. "Don't make it sound like I'm being lazy like Beast Boy. I just think it's past time we opened ourselves up to new experiences in life. And Starfire agrees with me. The only reason she's not talking to you about it with me is because she was too embarrassed."

His brows furrowed as he tried to work through what Raven was saying. He really had no idea what she could be talking about. The fact that she was wearing an unusually slinky black dress beneath her cloak instead of her usual leotard wasn't helping his concentration, either! He'd only just now noticed it, and wondered why on earth she'd put it on.

She noticed him staring, and raised an eyebrow. It was Robin's turn to blush this time. "Like what you see?" she asked dryly, somewhere between coy and sarcastic.

He coughed to try and give himself time to think of something to say. It didn't work. "Well, I, uh, that is..."

Her expression was back to being blank and reserved as she pressed one soft finger to his lips. "Don't do yourself injustice by trying to talk. You've always been better at actions. Which is fine, because that's just what we had in mind. Come on, we don't want to keep Star waiting too long."

"What is Starfire waiting for? What weird scheme did you two plot together?"

She was already drifting off in the direction of Starfire's room, and glanced back just before the corner turn. "You coming or not?"

Sighing, he trotted after her, wondering why it was that only women, Slade, and Batman were capable of making him feel this helpless. Hopefully there wasn't any kind of connection there.

Raven knocked at the door when they arrived. "Starfire? I brought him. You ready?"

"By all means enter, dear friend Raven and dear friend Robin!"

Robin hadn't ever noticed Starfire buying lamps, but they were the only thing lighting the room, so it took his eyes a little bit to adjust. When they did, he stood just inside the doorway, paralyzed and gawking.

Starfire was stretched out on her bed with a bashful grin, wearing only an intricate series of knotted, semi-transparent handkerchiefs that barely served to conceal her more intimate areas. Her pose was somewhere between awkward and seductive, and the uncertainty of it somehow only made her all the more attractive.

"Not bad," Raven commented idly while Robin was still picking his jaw up off the floor. "A bit frilly, but it works for you."

"Oh?" Starfire asked, playfully snobbish, one tiny eyebrow quirked. "And I suppose you have done the coming upwards with something better?"

"We'll let Robin be the judge of that." The robe and dress both slide down in a single smooth movement of telekinetic manipulation, and Robin's only path of retreat from the hopelessly bewildering scene was blocked by a Raven dressed only in a black, silky chemise, less revealing than Starfire's garb, but more clinging as well. "I thought you'd be more compliant if I sprung it to you like this," Raven answered his unasked question, smiling crookedly as she closed the door behind her. "We've decided... we both feel we're ready for something more... intimate... but neither of us wish to hurt the other's feelings by monopolozing you."

"And so we wish to know if you will consider allowing us to share you," Starfire continued the explanation cheerfully.

Robin stammered for a torturously long period of time, then just closed his eyes, focused on the situation as though it were a combat situation, took a deep breath, and pushed on ahead. This was scarier than Slade had ever been.

"Look... girls... I, I don't know what to say... I've never even thought of something like this before..."

"Oh, that's a lie."

Somehow it seemed totally wrong for Raven to be her normal sarcastic self in this kind of situation. It seemed even more wrong that she was rolling her eyes while dressed like that. And Starfire was giggling! It was a conspiracy to make him look ridiculous!

"Robin, we do not wish to make you feel any of the discomfort. We wished to do this together, as friends, to complete the experience of sharing. But if you have a preference to be with us individually... perhaps myself first, for instance, and then Raven..."

"Or the other way around," Raven cut in sharply.

"...then we would also find that to be satisfactory," Starfire concluded, beaming.

He looked back and forth between them both. "You really have your minds made up on this."

They nodded, Starfire boldly, Raven more shyly.

"Okay... if you're both sure it will make you both happy... then I suppose..." and then his words drifted down so low that even he could barely hear them.

Starfire tilted her head. "I am sorry, Robin, could you increase the volume of your voice?"

"...both at the same time..." Robin muttered a trifle louder, face burning.

"I knew it," Raven said with a wickedly triumphant smirk.

"I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by choosing one of you over the other," he said hastily, panicked.

Raven sighed in exasperation. "Shut up and get in bed before I push you there."

Anxious to avoid any telekinetic meddling on Raven's part, he got into bed very quickly indeed. The girls took turns peeling his clothes off while he caressed their bodies each in turn, nervously at first, then with growing strength at their pleased reactions. Their fingers only hesitated when it was just his mask left. Green and lavender eyes peered through the mask into his, silently questioning.

He thought it over for a moment, then nodded, smiling. "Go ahead."

Raven took one corner of the mask, and Starfire the other, and they peeled at the same time, letting the fabric flutter to the floor like a landing butterfly. And then came more caresses, and kisses, and eventually outright gropings, rakings of nails, bites, licks, and bodies pressing against each other with heated intent. It was strange at first to divide his attention between the two of them, but eventually the three of them worked into a kind of rhythm, and his gradual explorations allowed him to figure out what they liked as they devoted themselves to figuring out his own likes. It wasn't the mechanical, overly theatrical lovemaking that he'd seen in his scant viewings of pornography. No, it was something different. Something better. Something that made him glad he'd waited this long before being with a woman. The mild clumsiness and uncertainty based on inexperience was mutual all around, and only served to ease their minds. There was lust, and plenty of it, a veritable torrent after having been ruthlessly dammed up for so long... but the dominant factor was affection. Love without barriers or denial or fear. They all expressed it in their actions in slightly different ways... Raven was sly and mischevious, Starfire passionate and straightforward, and he himself was somewhere in between, but they all meant the same thing by it. And at the end of it, when they all curled up together in the sheets, exhausted in an incredibly content way, his only regret was being unable to kiss them both at the same time.

"I love you, Robin," Starfire murmured in his ear, lazy and happy.

"And I love you too," Raven said in his other ear, "but if you tell anyone else I said that, my vengeance will be great and terrible."

He curled his fingers in their silky hair, appreciating the luxurious length of Starfire's and Raven's neat, almost delicate locks, and stared up at the ceiling in awe and wonder. He had never known it was possible to be so happy. "I love you too... I love you both... so much..."

He hadn't said those words to anyone since his parents had died. Even Batman, despite all he owed the man, had never heard the phrase from his lips.

So this was what it was like, to be utterly naked and vulnerable around other people. To feel affection without restraint and return it equally. To abandon the years of mental walls that protected him from the world. To stop being afraid to just enjoy people... completely...

The sheer joy of it was so intense that it was almost pain, like a light bright enough to blind the eyes into darkness. He wanted to cry from it, but didn't.

But his mask was staring at him from the floor. Accusingly. Angrily. Like a pet that had been left to starve. And somehow, it had grown teeth around the white eyeholes.

"Wake up," the mask said angrily, eyeholes opening and closing as mouths would have.

He blinked, then looked at the girls. They hadn't reacted. He had to be imagining things. The freakishness of the situation had made him delirious or something.

"Wake up, you stupid asshole!" the mask yelled. "Your teammates need you!"

"Wh-what..."

"Robin? Is something the matter?"

"Yeah, you look kind of weird."

"You're the leader of this pathetic spandex-clad lost boys outfit, aren't you?! Start acting like it and get up off your ass!" the mask practically screamed.

He looked at both of them desperately. "Don't either of you hear that?!"

"Hear what, dear Robin?"

"The only thing I hear is you acting strange."

"Robin... we were not... displeasing in bed... for you, were we?"

"Oh, God, no," Robin said hastily.

"Alright. I know what'll do the trick." The mask sounded evilly smug, which set all the hairs on the back of Robin's neck on end. "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eeeeeegg," the mask sang exuberantly. "The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaayay!"

With a shriek of disgust, horror, and fury, Robin jerked upright, hands instinctively clasped the singer's throat in a stranglehold. "Don't EVER sing that song," he hissed through gritted teeth. "I HATE that song!"

Then he realized that he wasn't in the bedroom anymore. He was in some strange, cold metal room he'd never seen before in his life, sitting up on an uncomfortable body-length table. Starfire was there, and Raven, but so was Beast Boy, Starfire in her shapeless, concealing 'casual' clothes and everyone else, including himself, in uniform. They all had IV drips in their arms. And his hands were wrapped around the wooden, slightly splintery neck of the Russian Doll.

"I knew that would work," she said with gleeful sadism.

"Where am I, why are you here, and what the hell is going on," Robin asked flatly, the old instincts of self-discipline reasserting themselves and keeping a thousand boiling, outraged emotions in check. His mind grasped on the one straw of sanity left for him to comprehend, like a drowning man grabbing driftwood. "Why hasn't Superman put you in jail yet?!"

The wooden golem drew herself up haughtily, arms crossing over her chest. "Oh, yes, Superman! I try to do you stupid heroes a favor and that's the thanks I get! Sure, no problem, just get the most powerful hero in the known universe to bust the weakest villainess... okay, I try my best, dammit, but I don't even have any real powers now that my minions are locked up! Even the Atom has better powers than me! What do I do?! I'm a collection of mobile wooden dolls, that's it! I had to break into LexCorp and steal a portable kryptonite-based laser just to get some breathing room away from that red, blue, and WASP asshole!"

"You stole a lasergun?!"

"It was self-defense! He was plastering me all over the streets! I only have two freaking mini-mes left!"

"It doesn't count as self-defense when you're defending yourself against law enforcement!" Robin shouted while waving his arms angrily, completely caught up in the surrealism of the moment. And then he bent over quickly, clutching his mouth. Ugh. Headache and nausea at the same time. Awful. He just barely managed to avoid puking.

"You okay, bird boy? You look as green as your trousers. Which are hideous, by the way."

"You still haven't answered any of my questions," he said tiredly, rubbing his face. Had it all been... just a dream? A hallucination? Or maybe this was the hallucination, for all he knew. He looked around at his teammates, saw the rising and falling of their chests. No, it couldn't be fake... he could never imagine a world where the Russian Doll had not only escaped Superman to have this insane conversation. This was too stupid and pointless to be anything but reality. He felt his heart harden like iron at the realization. None of it had been real. None of it. He ripped the IV out of his arm as though it were a villain itself and deserved harsh treatment, feeling a mildly masochistic pleasure at the minor pain the action caused.

"After Superman decided I wasn't worth tangling with once I snagged the laser, he sent the cops after me. So I had to hide, and after a while I just started blasting holes in things to make quick getaways. That's how I ended up here." She pointed up to a large hole in the ceiling that Robin felt incredibly stupid for not noticing before. "And I saw you guys just taking naps here. I figured it had to be the work of some villain with nastier plans than mine, and I didn't want anyone else to defeat you before I got the chance, so I woke you up."

He idly noted the overdone melodrama in that last statement, while the rest of his mind worked frantically on more important matters. He tried to sort out the lies from the truth in his memories. Back, back before the deliriously wonderful fake happy ending... what had happened? What had been the last important thing to happen? Of course, the news broadcast with Darker. They'd just seen it on tv... him, and Cyborg, and Beast Boy... and then there had been a loud crashing sound, and they'd looked outside and Starfire had been streaking off like a pissed off meteor. The rest of the Titans had followed as quickly as they could, hoping to get there at least not too far behind Starfire and stop her from doing anything... rash. But by the time they'd arrived, the place was a chaotic throng. He'd tried to get closer to Starfire and Darker, and then he'd felt cold, thin fingers yanking up his sleeve, and pinpricks... and then he'd blacked out.

"Your hypothesis seems about right," he grudgingly conceded. "As far as I can tell, we were kidnapped... though I'm worried that Cyborg's not here too. But you, you've got to have other reasons for wanting the Titans safe. You try hard but you're not that good an actor, Russian Doll. I can tell. You're not half as stupid as you like to come off as."

Her mouth opened and closed again, apparently not sure how to respond to that.

"Look," he said sharply, "whatever motives you've got, you might as well come clean. If you really want to help us, I'll see what I can do to lighten your sentence, but I need you to be honest and drop this ridiculous cheap 'I'm so evil' act. But do it while I wake up the others. There's no telling what kind of dangers are around here."

"Fine," the Russian Doll growled. "I don't think you'll be able to snap the fuzzball out of it, though. I tried him first. He's a cute kid. Sleeps like a bloody log, though. And that's coming from someone made of wood."

"He's a little more susceptible to mind control than the rest of us..." Robin admitted, shaking Starfire's shoulder gently at first, then more strongly. "Star, c'mon... wake up..."

"Well, it's like this. You know how there's basically three kinds of villains, right? The really nasty, badass ones... and then, a bit lower down, the mean but weak or incompetent ones... and then, below them, the complete weirdos who just live to do random crazy, harmless shit?"

"A little less language, please," Robin said, smacking Starfire's cheek, then finally just grabbing both shoulders and shaking her like a ragdoll. "Starfire! STAR-FI-RE!"

"Whatever. Anyway, some of us got together and decided that we weren't working out that great as heroes or villains, but we didn't want to really hurt anyone... so what we figured out was a way to still live a fun, jaywalk-over-the-laws life and still be useful to the world. We made up a charter and started a secret guild, where all the members would be petty villains who pretended to cause harm, but really didn't do much of anything except let the heroes chase them around like headless chickens, while spicing up the dreary lives of said heroes with random entertainment."

This was such a strange thing, on top of all the other strange things, that Robin turned around slowly and stared at her. "What exactly are you talking about?"

"Look, you know how half the superheroes in the world are workaholics who never let themselves take a break?"

"I admit to nothing!"

"What?"

"Uh, nevermind. Go on."

"Anyway... there's so many superheroes that take themselves too seriously. They'd never have any fun at all if not for us. We're the ones who build giant monsters out of Legos. We're the ones who curse all the Amazons into growing penises for a fortnight. The ones who completely defy the laws of physics, man, and God... for the purpose of stealing completely worthless objects. The maniacal cacklers? They're us. The pompous speech-makers? Us. The ones who trip over their own capes and turn everyone into babies for twenty-four hours? Us again. If the Guild of Ludicrous Calamnity didn't exist, some heroes would never get any kind of a break from the serial killers, the rapists, the angst, the bloodshed, the heartbreak, the trauma of combat with cold-hearted killers they're never allowed to kill in turn. You guys need people like us, otherwise being a hero'd be so depressing you'd all go on suicide missions and die out. And if we happen to score a little profit and fun on the side, well, consider that our bill for services rendered."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Robin cried in outrage. "You commit crimes and cause chaos-"

"Ah hah, alliteration! See, we rub off on you! You know you love it."
"Shut up! I can't believe there's an entire organization dedicated to people acting so irresponsibly under the self-deluded pretense of helping superheroes by opposing them in ridiculous ways! How many of your awful guild members have been wasting our time?!"

"Well, as far as I'm aware, there's Mumbo Jumbo... and Mad Mod..."

"What?! Those two were working with the Brotherhood of Evil!"

"Of course they were, do you think a group of crooks that big would escape the Guild's notice? They sabotaged it from the inside, and it's a damn good thing they did, too, considering how close you lot almost came to being frozen. That General Undying Senile Geezer guy would've had a hell of a lot more troops to throw at you if not for us, I can promise you that."

"Ugh... well, what about the Puppet King then? Is he one of yours?"

"Naw. He's cute, though. If he ever loosens up on life I would so-"

"Okay, thank you, just stop right there. Control Freak! He has to be one of you! He's just so stupid!"

"Blech, no. Some people are just born dorks, you know?" The Russian Doll sighed. "The only other one I can remember off the top of my head is Mixizpul... that flying midget guy whose name I can't pronounce. Hates Superman. There's a ton more of us, though. Hundreds, all over the world."

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that."

"Sarcasm makes you look all wrinkly and unpleasant, you know."

"Shut up! God, why am I having this conversation in the middle of some random villain's lair when my teammates are still helpless?! See, this is what people like you do, you distract us from real dangers! Starfire, rise and shine! Beast Boy! BEAST BOY, CYBORG IS PUTTING BACON IN YOUR MOUTH, WAKE UP! Dang it. Raven! Raven, I know you can hear me. You're the one with super-charged spiritual sensors, right? We have a connection. Raven, Raven, wake up... I need you all to wake up... guys, I can't do this without you..." He gripped Starfire's shoulder in one hand, and Raven's in the other, and squeezed tightly, willing them to come back to him.

"Yarr! That be defeatist talk, cap'n," the Russian Doll said, for some reason assuming a pirate persona. He wondered if she even knew how to turn the random goofiness off anymore. "We can still triumph over these miscreants! Wherever the hell they are. I can't believe they haven't come in to investigate me messing up part of their base. Lucky us."

And with that, as though the Russian Doll had destiny itself dancing according to the precise opposite of whatever her stated wishes were, doors spaced all around the room whooshed open and line after line of thin, snakish-looking robots slithered in, back-mounted tentacles waving various sharp implements with unignorable menace.

"Aww, crud, I jinxed it," she moaned. "I should've known better than to say that!"

"Does that laser have any power left?" Robin asked matter-of-factly, sliding off the table and getting into a combat stance. His belt was gone, but he wasn't going to fail his friends, not again. No matter what it took, he swore he'd keep them safe. The mask was still on, it had never really come off, and he still had a job to do. He wasn't a person, he was an archetype, a symbol, and he'd crush anything that threatened the ideals he stood for. Any shreds of lingering sentiment were banished to the dark depths of his subconscious once again, and there was only the bird left. A bird of prey.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Ready to rock and roll, baby." She grinned like a lunatic and pulled the weapon out. It was about the size of a steroid-addicted wrestler's arm, and at least looked like it would work fine as a club if it ran out of energy. "I've got loooove songs in my head, killin' us awaaayyyy..." she sang with bloodthirsty joy. For some reason, the silliness of it suddenly struck Robin as creepy instead of just absurd at that moment.

Oh well. At least she wasn't unenthusiastic. He tried to decide what to say to command the charge before the robots penned them in too much. He settled on an abbreviated version of his usual cry.

"GO!"