Chapter 11

"Memory"

Several hours later.

Charlie stepped into the library unexpectedly finding Sam, Dean and Cas standing in a clumsy circle, speaking in hushed tones. They dispersed awkwardly when they noticed her. Judging from the expressions on their faces she had definitely interrupted something. And she was pretty sure it had to do with her.

"Hi Charlie." Cas greeted her in that deep majestic voice of his.

"Uh, hi.." She asked feeling suddenly rather self conscious.

"Charlie.. " Dean said. The tone in his voice immediately reminded her of an old memory.

"That tone is very reminiscent of the tone my principal used once when I got called to the office." She laughed a nervous laugh. "You see, I was ten and Billy Saunders got caught cheating..."

"Charlie..," Dean said.

"..and since I wouldn't let him cheat off my math test the week before... " She continued in a hurried fashion her nerves running away with her.

"Charlie... " Dean repeated.

".. to get back at me, the little jerk said I helped him cheat." She continued.

"You're rambling." Dean stated.

"I really can't help it with the look on everyone's faces and all." She said worriedly. "I obviously interrupted something. I'll just come back later."

"Charlie.. " Dean repeated.

"Yes?" She practically squeaked.

"Relax." He said.

"Relax? How can I relax?" She asked.

Dean guided her to a nearby chair. "Just have a sit, ok?" He said.

"Now you want me to sit down? Okayyyy, not a good sign." She said staring at the chair Dean was navigating her towards.

"Charlie we need to talk." Dean said.

"And there it is. The nail in the coffin." She said reluctantly sitting down.

He knelt down in front of her. She stared at him puzzled "Are-are you proposing.." She asked.

"What? No...no.. Charlie stop that!" Dean demanded taken off guard by her reaction. "We just want to talk, ok?"

"Sorry." She rolled her eyes at her stupid comment. "It's just you guys are making me nervous, you all standing there.. with your chiseled jaws and piercing eyes.. ." She looked back to each of them. They all looked really worried. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.

"Charlie, you're doing it again." Dean pointed out.

Charlie took a moment with a deep breath, and than straightened up. "Alright hit me." She said bravely.

"Hit you? Why would we hit you?" Cas asked indignantly.

Dean held up his hand towards Cas. "She means spit it out." Dean explained.

Cas gave Dean a quizzical look. "She means tell her what we want to talk about." Dean explained again, slightly exasperated.

"I see." Cas nodded.

Dean gave Cas a look before slowly turning his attention back to Charlie. "This morning in the shooting gallery.. " Dean began. "... do you remember what happened?"

"I.. ah.. I was practicing marksmanship? " She said with a trace of uncertainty.

Sam caught it. "You don't know?"

Charlie's mouth opened and closed a few times. "I was shooting a gun." Her voice sounded strained as she answered Sam.

"Okay. Do you remember what we talked about then?" Dean asked.

Charlie felt a nuisance of a dull ache develop at the back of her head as she tried to remember what had exactly happened in the shooting gallery. It seemed like a dream; distant and hard to grasp. She remembered movements, words but not much else. She felt like she did when she was trying to remember her missing memories with Styne. Styne, she thought. An image of him quickly sprang to mind. Bloodied, and hateful. It drew a deep terrifying fear to the surface and panic began to set in. She shook her head.

"You said some things that seemed out of character and frankly, scared the crap out of me." Dean told her. "You don't remember any of it?"

"I'm tired and I'm under a great deal of stress, like ALL the time, so sue me if I have trouble remembering what I did an hour ago." Charlie felt like she was being put on the defensive.

"Charlie, we're worried." Sam said.

"Well, don't be!" Her panic got the best of her. She stood up suddenly pushing past Dean and the others. "So I can't remember what we talked about.. exactly. Gimme a break!"

Dean stood up. "Charlie something's not right here. You have had to have noticed it too."

"Just stop!" She yelled back at him. "Just... " She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down. Her reaction surprised the three of them. It surprised her too.

Sam took a step towards her, her fear and panic clearly evident. She was more than scared. "Charlie, we're not trying to scare you, okay? We're just really worried about what's going on with you." He expressed to her.

She took another deep breath and palmed her forehead in effort to squeeze away a now ensuing headache. "I know." She finally said. Her head felt like it was being pulled in several different directions all at once. It was making it difficult to think straight.

"Then you know we are only trying to help you. The way you've helped us so many times in the past." Sam continued.

Charlie nodded slowly.

"What do you remember?" Sam asked. She stared back at him with no answer.

"You can't remember can you?' Dean asked apprehensively. She may not have responded, but the answer was obvious.

"This isn't the first time is it?" Cas asked.

Charlie looked back to Cas, her heart racing from a sudden onslaught of emotional adrenaline. She desperately tried to sort through a rise of unrelenting chaos in her head.

She exhaled sharply finally admitting to herself that there had been more than one incident where she couldn't remember what had happened or how she got to where she was. She had been simply chalking them up to her ongoing stress and exhaustion and everything else happening in her life. She had convinced herself of it.

But now, it wasn't just her noticing something odd. She looked back to all three of them, each carrying an expression of apprehension and uncertainty. They were now seeing it too. Her fingers entertwined with eachother, fidgeting relentlessly as her eyes drifted to her feet in thought.

Looking at her, Dean knew they were on the right track. And now she did too. "When did it start?" Dean implored.

Charlie bit her lip again. "That night with Styne." She said reluctantly. "And.. then little things started later. Like not remembering walking to my room or barely remembering a conversation. And.." She sighed deeply biting on her lower lip again.

"And what?" Dean prodded. Charlie was hesitant.

"Charlie?" Sam gently pushed.

"Most recently, the drive." She admitted.

"The drive? The one you took yesterday?" Dean questioned.

She nodded. "I remember taking the car and driving.. somewhere, but..," She sighed, "..everything after is pretty much lacking. The next thing I rememeber I was back here, in the kitchen, eating. I don't even remember making a sandwich or being hungry for that matter." She explained.

Everyone was silent for a moment, each person trying to figure out the ramifications of her statement.

"That's a huge chunk of missing time Charlie." Dean felt sickened. His head was racing now with questions about where she may have ended up.

"I know." She nodded.

"And you don't remember where you went? What you did? Any sounds? Words? Smells..?" Dean probed earnestly.

She shook her head despairingly.

Dean looked down to the bruise on her knuckles. "You remember how you got that?" He motioned to her hand.

She looked down to the black and yellowing bruise that had formed over her knuckles and found herself pushing hard to find a memory of how she sustained it. But, for her effort, all she got was a sensation of needles jabbing themselves into her brain. Everytime she had tried to remember any of the missing time, it would inevitably become a painful endeavor. Why was that? She thought.

"We need to figure out what's happening to you. We need to find the truth." Cas said gently.

".. No.. " She said adamently. Charlie's panic began to swell back up again. It was already too much. And there was more. There was always more and it made her feel like the tipping point was near for her. And it was a sobering prospect. "No. No.. I don't want to know.. " Charlie backed up from them. "I can't." She felt her heart rate increase.

"Why?" Dean asked as he took a step towards her.

"Because it's too much!" Her voice was now raised and argumentative sounding. She anxiously pressed her fingers against her temple. "It hurts everytime I try to remember!" She started to hyperventilate.

Dean moved quickly towards her.

"I can't breathe.. I can't.. " Charlie gasped.

Dean quickly placed his hands on her shoulders. "Charlie, just take a deep breath, ok?" Her eyes locked with his. "I think you're having a panic attack. You need to breath, ok? Just one breath at a time. Nice and slow.. "

Charlie focused on Dean's voice. It was soft and low and calm. She nodded after a minute.

"That's good." Dean said with a sense of relief. "Listen to me, okay? Please.. " Dean asked of her. "You're not alone in this. We're gonna be with you every step. I'm gonna be with you every step." He emphasized.

"Dean.. " She said unconvinced.

"Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?" He asked of her.

".. no.." She said softly.

Dean gently rested his hand on the side of her head truly bothered by her reaction. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna figure this out. And then we're gonna fix it. I promise." Dean told her as he pulled her into a tight hug, which she gratefully accepted. He hadn't seen her that terrified since Cas had brought her back from the dead all those weeks ago. He shot a glance to Cas and Sam. They had a plan but whatever was happening now, the mountain Charlie was having to climb just got that much bigger.