Chapter 11(Peyton)

Unquestioned Answers

Lucas? For a brief second that name didn't have any meaning for me. It couldn't when Brooke had just been looking at me like that, like I wanted her to. I had come back for Brooke, not for Lucas. When I was in my "hell", Lucas hadn't even crossed my mind. Sure, that fact made me a terrible girlfriend and maybe even a terrible person. I didn't like to think of it as a betrayal of Lucas because for some reason it didn't feel like I could even betray him. Instead, it felt more like a revelation. A sudden knowing. The fact that it had always been me and Brooke, Brooke and me, the two of us, hoes over bros, and that was the way I'd always wanted it. I realized I love her; I need her to live my life to its fullest. She was the reason I was here and it would always be her.

Just a second ago I'd held her close and worked up enough courage to lay my lips upon her soft cheek. That one act had taken all the courage within me. I had thought What if she freaks out? What if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Luckily, Brooke had pulled through like a champ and for a second I was fooled that she might feel the same way I did. She had looked at me like I'd longed to be looked at my entire life. She'd looked at me like I was her life and she was mine. Then that same stupid nurse that had interrupted our cuddling earlier had poked her head in and announced that Lucas was here.

I looked over at Brooke, wanting to gauge her reaction. For a brief second disappointment crossed her face and I couldn't help a huge grin from spreading across mine. She didn't want him here; I could've jumped up and cheered. Tell him to go away, Brooke, I silently willed from my bed. Instead she glanced at me and grinned right back, "Peyton, do you feel like you're ready for visitors?"

I wanted to say, "No, I need to rest some more….with you." But instead I cleared my throat and swallowed those words. What came out instead was, "Yeah…Great, Lucas is here. Let him in." I felt myself silently screaming but I did need to talk to him. I did need to tell him that we were over and that I was sorry. He deserved to hear at least that much from me.

Brooke swallowed hard and flashed the nurse a smile, "Ok, let him in." Then she walked to the door and turned around, "I'll be right here if you need me, Peyton. I'm just going to give the two of you some privacy."

I wanted to tell her that Lucas and I didn't need any privacy. I wanted to tell her she only needed to step out for a few seconds, which was long enough for me to say goodbye. Her brown eyes bored into mine as she slowly slid out the heavy wooden door and into the hallway. I could still see a little bit of her face through the glass window that was on the top of the door. She turned her head to the side and I saw anger twist her eyes into narrow slits. I saw her mouth moving fast and I could hear a muffled sound coming from the hallway. It sounded like she was yelling. I felt a pang of hatred for my injured back and this hospital bed because whatever was going on, I wanted to see it. If Brooke was yelling at someone I wanted to stand next to her in solidarity. But I couldn't. I felt another pang of hatred but this time it was for myself. Brooke needed someone who wasn't going to be burden to her. Who was I to think that I could love her the way she deserved? I wouldn't be able to take care of her like I wanted to; instead it would always be her taking care of me. A flash of movement from Brooke drew my attention back to the small, window in the door.

Brooke had raised her hand as if she was about to slap someone. However, instead of slapping whoever she was yelling at, she placed her palm against her eyes and rubbed back and forth, and then she turned and walked away. Clearly the argument was over.

As soon as Brooke was gone from my view, Lucas' face appeared in the window. Brooke had been yelling at Lucas? Why? He smiled at me with pity in his eyes and pushed himself through the door and into the room. He put his hands in his pocket and kind of shuffled over to the bed, clearly unsure of how he should act. He was wearing his traditional Scott Body shop sweater and a pair of exercise pants. With his hair kind of mussed and wearing scuffed up tennis shoes, I would guess he came straight from the river court.

"Hey, Peyton. How are you doing?" he asked, blue eyes focusing everywhere in the room except for on me.

Indignation roiled up from my stomach. Did he think I was some sort of invalid now who was only to be pitied and slightly ignored? I spat out, "Oh you know how it goes, what with being shot and finding out I'm paralyzed, I've had better days."

Lucas' cheeks flushed red and he muttered some sort of apology. I waved my hand in the air, feeling bad for being so tough on him. What would I do in his situation? I was never good with consoling people, either.

"I'm sorry, Luke. It has been rough, you know? I don't mean to take it out on you."

He sat in the chair that Brooke had been sitting in and moved her pillow and blanket to the floor. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and rubbed his hands together like he was getting ready to dive into an extremely cold swimming pool, "So, everyone at school and stuff sends their love. Haley and Nathan are really worried and they said for me to tell Brooke to call them as soon as you're ready for visitors."

I smiled at the mention of Haley and Nathan. I'd been shutting them out lately but they were really good friends. "Tell them I said, 'Hi', and that they can come visit whenever they'd like. I want to see how Haley's dealing with converting Nathan Scott into a good guy because that's something I tried to do for years."

Lucas chuckled lightly, "Yeah, I know. I'm still not sure that I'm behind their relationship one hundred percent but as soon as I know Nate isn't being an ass to her I'll probably get used to it." He pushed his hand through his spiky blonde hair and grew serious all of a sudden, "So the doctors think you'll be able to walk again?"

I grimaced and started picking at a thread on my sheet, "They don't know. I mean, I will be able to walk again but they don't know how well." I chuckled, "Let's just say I won't be running any marathons anytime soon."

Lucas looked like I had slapped him and I wondered what he had expected me to say. Did he expect me to throw off my covers, hop off the bed, and shout, "I was just faking! I didn't get shot, everything is hunky-dory."

In the awkward silence that followed my admission, I blurted out, "So, Lucas, why was Brooke yelling at you?"

Again, Lucas looked at me with panic and dismay written all over his face. But this time there was something else…guilt. He searched the walls and the ceiling as if the answer might be written there, his eyes avoiding mine.

Just as I was about to ask again, Brooke poked her head in the door. She shot Lucas a look of death but then turned a small smile to me, "Peyton, the doctors need give you some more medicine but they say it will make you sleepy so I think that Lucas should go, now. Sorry it wasn't that long of a visit but you need your rest."

I smiled gratefully at Brooke because this meant that Lucas was going to go. His being here was making me slightly uncomfortable just because he was acting so awkward. Wait! I almost slapped myself. Lucas was here and now I could say goodbye to him.

He got up slowly and I was aware of Brooke watching his every motion like she wanted to jump across the room and kill him. I turned to her, "Brooke, can I have a second alone with Lucas?"

She looked at me with a little bit of hurt in her eyes but she nodded and slipped back out the door again.

I turned to Lucas and spat out the words all at once, "Lucas, I don't think it's a good idea for us to date right now. I mean, I need to focus on getting well. I just…I don't think we should go out anymore."

Lucas stood there shocked and I think I could've pushed him over with a feather. Then he sputtered, "W…What?"

I forced my heart to remain cold and said again, "Yeah, I don't think it's a good idea. I need some space right now."

He sat down again, "Is this about, Brooke?"

My eyes opened wide in shock, how did he know about Brooke? "Actually yes, it is."

He jumped up again, his voice growing shrill, "Peyton, she kissed me alright? I didn't mean to, I swear. I mean, she called me to drive her home to pick up her things. I was so worried about you. It's all her fault, I pulled away after a second of shock, ok? It didn't mean anything."

My heart clenched in my chest. Brooke had kissed Lucas? While I was in the hospital? I glared at Lucas, "Just go. Leave. We're through."

Lucas opened his mouth to say something else but then he just sighed defeat. He leaned down to kiss me but I leaned away from him and all he got was my cheek.

Brooke came pushing in the door, "Lucas, you need to leave…now." Why was she angry? She looked at me like she was hurt that he had kissed my cheek. Why was she hurt? What right did she have? She was the one who had betrayed me.

Lucas left us both in that empty, hollow room. I missed the ease I felt with Brooke just a short half hour ago. Her jaw was clenched as she sat in her chair and it was clear that something was bothering her. I just laid in my bed as the medicine flowed through my I.V. and into my arm. I wanted to yell at Brooke, to ask her why she would do such a thing, but right now sleep was pulling at me harder than my anger and I opened my arms to its blackness and fell inside it.