"I want to."
Mike let go of a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. The inquiry had been hell because he could feel everything Ginny felt, facing the man who'd tried to assault her, but had been powerless to help or react the way he wanted to (Which was either to go after Tu'rain or hold Ginny and cry...because of her emotions, not his). Being alone with her had quieted the mess of half feelings and overwhelming loneliness. The emptiness he'd been trying to fill was gone.
"I think..." She whispered. "It's possible that...this..." She swallowed as he pressed his forehead against hers. Touching her was calming. He needed it. She pulled away. "This isn't real."
He blinked, stumbling forward to try and get her back. "Ginny." What did she mean not real?
"Ensign...Baker." She said, holding up a hand to stop him from getting closer. "And you're Captain Lawson. This...thing between us is only because of some weird psychic..." She shook her head. Mike panicked. He couldn't lose this.
"And why does that make it any less real?" Mike snapped. She was seriously going to deny this? She didn't want to. He could feel it; it was causing her pain. It was causing him pain.
"Would you want me if it wasn't there?" She asked. Mike's mouth hung open. His every instinct was screaming at him to say 'yes. Without a doubt'...but he thought of Rachel and the way their marriage had disintegrated and the words didn't come. A wave of hurt made him stagger back.
"Ginny." He gasped. No. She didn't understand. It wasn't her that made him hesitate. It was him.
"I have an appointment with the station counselor." She said, turning and walking out of the holodeck before he could stop her. Mike sat heavily on the grass, staring at the door, feeling as though he'd been torn in half.
It's not real. Ginny thought to herself. It's not real. She repeated to herself as she smiled and charmed the station counselor into letting her back onto active duty. For once, the fact that she was part-Romulan worked in her favor; the counselor felt uncomfortable being around her for too long. She was back on active duty almost immediately.
She kept her head down, taking assignments that kept her away from the bridge. Sonny, probably eager to make her return to work as easy as possible, gave her assignments that had her leaving the bridge and working on various parts of the station. Unsure how much of the misery she felt was hers and how much was Mike's, she blocked all of it. The bond was a curse. If a similar one had forced her mother to be connected to a monster like Tu'rain, then she wanted no part in one. Not even if it was with Mike.
So she worked, focused on impressing her direct superiors and performing her station duties. Hung out with Livan and Cara and used the emotion suppression techniques her father had taught her to help herself sleep every night. At least that was the plan.
The problem was that every night she'd wake up in a panic. Loneliness and unimaginable sorrow would hit her. At first she thought it was just Mike...and it made her feel terrible to think she was causing this, but it kept happening and...she knew the feelings were hers as well.
She was in the main room of her quarters; gasping, struggling to calm her racing heart when the door opened. Mike walked into her quarters.
"Captain." She managed to strangle out before he pulled her in his arms and relief rushed through her. She collapsed against him, taking deep breaths. The tension that had been squeezing her heart was gone. She cried. Mike rubbed circles on her back.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I tried to stay away." He pulled back slightly and Ginny got a good look at him. His eyes were bloodshot, his beard wilder than usual and the lines under his eyes were more prominent. He also looked pale, sickly and all trace of his usual grumpy bravado was gone. He'd been suffering as well.
"I'm sorry." She clung to him, letting his calming presence wash over her.
"Look." He took a shaky breath. "This...thing, whatever it is, is scary as hell. So if you don't..." He swallowed. "I...I get it if you don't want to pursue a...more serious relationship. There are about a hundred reasons why this is a terrible idea, but...I don't think I can take 4 more seconds like the last 4 days." He shut his eyes. Desperation underlaced his words. She knew because she felt it too and this pull between them was too much to ignore.
Ginny nodded. "We keep this friendly." She said. "I won't avoid you but..." She paused. She couldn't go any further just yet. Besides the difference in rank, she didn't know Mike all that well. Psychic connection or not, that hadn't changed.
"So what now." Mike's voice was hoarse. Ginny put her head on his shoulder, grateful that he was letting her take the lead.
"Just hold me." She murmured. He led her to the couch in her room. She followed, lying down with him. He folded her into his arms. She shut her eyes, letting him soothe her. For the first time in 4 days she managed to fall asleep.
Mike felt warmth. He dreamed he held Ginny in his arms. It was a dream he'd been having ever since the day of the inquiry and he'd given himself hell for it every time he woke up. He squeezed his eyes, huddling around the weight on top of him. It was too real of a dream. He didn't want to let go of this quite yet. To wake up and go back to Ginny avoiding him. He could feel her.
"Your beard tickles."
Mike gripped the weight on top of him. The weight...that he realized, was Ginny. He blinked his eyes open, hardly daring to hope and yet...there she was. She gave him a sheepish look.
"I thought last night was a dream." He croaked.
"It kinda started as a nightmare." Ginny murmured. She pulled away, taking her warmth with her. He sat up, looking at her. He could feel nervousness thrum between them. The link had strengthened it was almost tangible. He ran a hand over his face. "So..."
"So..." He repeated.
"I have to be on the bridge." Ginny murmured. "How about...we meet for lunch."
"I have meetings." Mike mumbled. "And Vice Admiral Luongo is leaving today." He shook his head. "Dinner?"
She nodded. Mike reached for her, then hesitated. He wasn't sure if the agreement he and Ginny had made the night before would extend to touching. He wasn't even sure what the agreement was. She glanced at his hand and a trickle of nervousness stole over from her side of the connection. He dropped his hand, trying to mask his hurt, but if the way she winced was any indication, he wasn't successful.
"Sorry." He murmured.
"It's okay." She shook her head. "I've probably been sending you some pretty terrible emotions lately."
"Actually...no." He pulled his hand back. "Things were pretty quiet from you." That had killed him more than her walking away from him. The idea that she could so easily walk away and cut him out of her life...the silence.
Ginny ducked her head. "The meditation techniques." She must have read Mike's confused look because she sighed before clarifying. "When I was little my dad tried to make people think my brother and I were half Vulcan." She stood, stretching. Mike watched the way her back muscles moved. The Nebula had moved and was outside the window. Her hair fell over her shoulder, the curls reflecting the light of the Nebula. Ginny walked over to the window. "He taught us all about Vulcan emotion suppression. He figured any inconsistencies would be explained by us being half human." She bit her lip. "Then one day Will got sick at school...they ran a blood test and well..." She dropped her gaze. Mike braced himself for sadness, but what came over the link was infinitely worse; resignation. It was almost as though she couldn't feel any emotion about it. As though she'd been drained of all feeling around the incident because...she'd devoted too much to it.
"We had to move." She continued. "I was 7. My dad tried again...it took 3 moves before my mom had enough." She shook her head. "Living out in the open was...scary. Those Vulcan suppression techniques became a way to make sure no one knew-" She stopped again.
"How much they hurt you." Mike finished. She looked back at him, daring him to say something. "You don't need to hide with me." He murmured. They stared at each other. Ginny looked as though she wanted to say more, but she shook her head.
"I should..." She motioned to her room. "I need to get to the bridge."
Mike nodded. "I'll, um...I'll see you later."
"Dinner." Ginny agreed.
"Dinner." Mike said.