Temptations

Chapter 11 : Orders, Smorders

October, 2268

Nyota was not sure exactly what had happened, but something had certainly happened. Guilt was just radiating off of Spock, something she had never felt before. She thought back over the happenings of earlier in the day, trying to figure out what had really happened.

First Spock had shut their link down to almost nothing. Only a very faint trickle had assured her that he still lived. His statement that he did not know whether Romulans could detect telepathic communication had seemed logical at the time, and she was not sure but what it still seemed that way. If they could detect telepathic communications, it would have been the height of folly to keep their link open. It would have been a dead giveaway.

And she did not think that Kirk and Spock had known ahead of time that the Romulan commander was a woman. It was certainly not in any of the material she had.

But to let everyone on the ship believe him a traitor! To let them think that he had killed Kirk! How could he do that?

She knew that Spock had been alone on that ship, with that commander, for some time, while Kirk was here, on the Enterprise. What had he done then? What had she done? Why had Spock not opened up their link again as soon as he came back aboard the Enterprise? She had so many questions, and no answers, none at all.

When the commander had come onto the bridge, with Spock following behind, dressed in that revealing gown, she had not known what to do. And Spock had refused to look in her direction, confusing her even further. He would not look at her, nor open the link, and he felt guilty. Why?

And then Kirk had told Spock to escort the commander to her quarters, as though he was doing them a favor. And Spock had gone, not protesting at all. She did not understand that, not one bit.

Now Spock sat in the command chair, with his back to her, while Kirk was in surgery. The only thing she could feel from him was that guilt. What was he feeling guilty about? The longer she had no answer, the longer she fumed and speculated, the angrier she became. He had no right to do this do her. When her shift ended, she stalked off the bridge, not looking or speaking to anyone. She went straight to her quarters, and flung herself on her bed, and cried.

He seated himself in front of his firepot, and steepled his hands in front of his face, thinking. He could not meditate, he was too full of conflicting emotions. There was no way to calm himself. He had erred. And everything he did now seemed to make things worse. She would not even look at him. He had tried, three times, to open the link slightly, but she resisted. She would not let him in. He did not know what to do. This was not acceptable, not at all.

After four days travel, they reached the nearest Federation outpost, and the commander was transferred off the ship. In spite of Kirk's suggestion, he was not present when that happened. He noted Nyota's interest in that exchange, although she kept her back turned to the two of them, and gave no indication that she was listening. He thought perhaps, after that, she softened, just slightly. But she would still not look at him, and the only thing he got through the link was anger.

He wished to explain. If he could only figure out how. He would apologize to her, for whatever she deemed necessary. Her absence from his thoughts caused a constant ache that he did not know how to assuage. He sent her a short message, asking to speak with her, but she returned it unread. He did not know what to do next. He tried once more to open the link wider, but she still resisted. He despaired.

She watched him, out of the corner of her eye. He did not look good. There were dark circles under his eyes. His erect posture was beginning to sag. She wondered how long it had been since he slept. He no longer radiated anything but sadness. She began to soften. This was not what she had expected of him. Perhaps if she opened the link just the tiniest amount. Carefully she eased the link open, just enough that she could sense him now, sitting there. He stiffened, turned his head slowly in her direction. She looked at him, for the first time since he had returned to the ship, really looked at him, into his eyes. They needed to talk. Desperately. She sensed his relief. They would talk then.

She had not told him where they would meet to talk. He made no assumptions. He would wait. He sat in front of his firepot, trying to calm himself. When the door opened, he twisted about, and then rose, standing to face her. She walked over to him, looking up. "What have you done, Spock? Tell me. How could you fornicate with that … that woman, when I was waiting here for you?" There were tears in her eyes.

"I have not fornicated, Nyota. I do promise you that I did not." Desperately he sought her eyes, holding them, trying to convince her of the truth.

She tilted her head and looked at him, into him. Her voice was quiet, sad. "But you wanted to, didn't you? Oh, Spock!"

He swallowed, hard. "Please let me explain, Nyota. Let me tell you what happened."

She went, and sat at the table, pressing her hands against the surface, trying to control herself. He went, and made tea, and set two cups on the table. She looked at the steaming cup as though she had never seen a cup of tea before. He sat across from her, and began.

"When we received our orders, I determined that I must construct a … persona … to hide behind. To pretend to be someone that I was not. It was my part in the plan that Kirk concocted."

She laughed, a harsh sound. "Always Kirk. Always he gets you into trouble."

He could not refute that. It was all too true. "We had no knowledge that the commander of the Romulan vessel was a woman. Although it did not change Kirk's plan at all. He was gleeful, thinking that this made things easier. It did not make them easier for me. I was the one who had to be in her presence, had to hide my true self from her, to make her think that her plan was succeeding. It was not pleasant."

"She tried to seduce you." It was not a question. It was a statement of fact. She had seen the look in that woman's eyes.

"Indeed she did. First with the offer of my own ship to command, and then with the offer of her body. I accepted neither. Although I did allow her to believe that I was considering it, that I intended to accept. That was the persona that I had created, that I used to hide behind, hoping it would keep our true intentions unknown."

"You were alone in her quarters. She changed from her uniform into that...that gown she was wearing when you beamed aboard. She threw herself at you! I heard she was wrapped around you when they beamed you back!"

He nodded. All that she said was true. He could not deny it. "I am not responsible for her actions, nor her wishes. Just because she wished for me to be attracted to her does not mean that I was." he looked unblinking into her eyes, willing her to understand, to believe. "The persona that I created was attracted to her, that was the intent. But that persona was not me. Do you understand the difference?"

"And what happened to that persona?"

"I eliminated all traces of it as soon as I had an opportunity, after I was able to leave the bridge that day. It is entirely gone, and any feelings or attractions that it felt are gone with it."

"I'm not sure that I believe that that is possible."

"If you will allow me to open the link more fully, you may see for yourself." He waited, not daring to hope.

Finally she nodded, and he felt her resistance slowly disappearing. Gradually he opened the link, until it was as wide as possible. And then he waited, while she slowly, oh, so slowly, began to examine him. He opened everything to her, holding nothing back, and after a long time, she sighed, and looked in his eyes again. "Oh, Spock, how do we get into these messes?"

"I believe the captain caused this one. However, neither of us did what we should have to resolve it. But I will accept the blame, for I did not tell you what was coming, and I should have. I should have explained it to you. This is my fault."

Tears glimmered in her eyes, and for the first time in many days her fingers reached out, and touched his. "Please don't do that again, Spock. Oh please don't leave me out in the cold like that again."

"I shall endeavor not to do so. It had caused me much pain, which I have to desire to repeat." He closed his fingers around hers, reveling in the feel of her skin against his once more.

"I'm still not entirely sure that I trust you, Spock. This hurt so much."

"Tell me what to do to earn your trust again, and I shall do it."

At that she smiled, even though the tears still trembled in her eyes. "Ah, Spock, that's all I need."

And they sat there, at his table, holding hands, and looking at one another, until she slowly rose and came, and sat in his lap, letting him wind his arms about her and hold her close.