thank you to everyone who reviewed. you guys are so amazing. i love reading your reactions to what i'm writing it really means a lot to hear it, or read it rather.

chapter 11 here you go:)

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I had waited there a long while just waiting for Brittany to fall asleep, waiting for the crying to wear her out. So I watched her finally close her eyes and fall into a sad slumber full of regret and uncertainty and I couldn't help but wonder how I had gotten to here. For the past months I had been wondering if I was born incapable of comforting someone physically and could merely make them feel slightly better with my thoughts and looks of pity.

This is how I came to realize the strength of Brittany being special. Like I said before, she is special, but not in that condescending way people label her. It's kind of weird to lay there with a girl who has just fallen apart before your eyes, letting everything come out of her and be completely vulnerable. She has this way about her, that lets you lose yourself and allow your walls to come down and let in things you would have never expected and let out things you've been keeping locked up.

I guess this is why Santana is the way she is or why she has been acting the way she has been acting. Watching Brittany sleep, flashes of the little moments I had witnessed between the two of them came to my mind and it almost seemed as though Santana is afraid of Brittany. Afraid of her because of her specialness, if that's even a word. Afraid of letting her in so close that every wall will fall down every door locked tight will unlock and open and then she will be completely bare. So naked that every feeling inside will be exposed for every person to see. Exposed for her to finally see that Brittany can see.

She's petrified of being too close to Brittany because she doesn't want to be vulnerable.

Looking at sleeping Brittany made me wonder if this is a sight that Santana missed, if she even stayed long enough to see this. Looking passed the tear stained tracks down her cheeks and her puffy eyes and the slight frown on her lips, she was a sight to see. Beautiful, almost like an angel. Looking beyond sexuality and gender and all of those things that have to do with sex, I could see how someone could fall in love with Brittany.

Not only is she kind and thoughtful, but she is sincere and she's not afraid to show how she feels especially about someone else, regardless of how the other feels. She's funny and interesting and unpredictably predictable.

I think one of the main reasons she scares Santana so much is because she is simple. Now I know saying someone is simple can almost sound like an insult but not in this case because to Santana, Brittany's simplicity is actually very opposite of simple. All Brittany wants is love, to be in love and to be loved in return. In all honesty it's not that difficult, but then again not everyone is Santana Lopez. And I'm pretty sure this scares the crap out of her.

I hadn't realized but I fell asleep and when I wake up I almost half expect to find myself alone. But as my eyes come into focus my hand can still feel Brittany's. She is still very asleep. I look over my shoulder to see that it is a little passed dinner time. I dislodge our hands and turn on my back stretching but being careful not to wake the girl beside me, nervous that if I do everything will repeat itself.

I sit up and turn to place my feet on the ground and walk over to my phone on my desk by the window. I notice a text message from my mother telling me she is going to be home late but that there is some food in the fridge for me to heat up. I roll my eyes and sigh because I feel emotionally drained and for some reason could really use the comfort of my mother tonight. All of this caring and taking care of people is an exhausting job.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft and scratchy as I would imagine it to be after all of that crying and power nap. I swallow hard and take a breath not quite sure if this conversation is going to start her tears to flow again. I turn around from my desk to find her sitting up in my bed wiping the sleep and residual tears from her eyes.

"For what?" I ask her tilting my head in confusion. She shrugs and turns in the bed so her feet are on the floor, her eyes downcast to the ground.

"I know that Sa… she won't talk to me about, well, she needs someone and I know you can be there for her and even if she doesn't ask for it she wants someone and she needs someone." She tells me and I know I must look completely surprised, shocked even about how clear her thoughts come out forming words.

"You know she hates me."

"No she doesn't and you know it too." She replies looking back to meet my eyes. "It's for show." She clarifies letting her eyes drop again. "She needs someone to be there, I wish it were me but she keeps pushing me away." Brittany shrugs her shoulders looking over to the clock which makes me look over there as well. She's not looking to see what time it is, she's just looking because it's something to look at other than me.

"What about you Brittany?" I ask her because it seems unfair that she can't have me but Santana can. She opens her mouth and slowly lifts her head to lock her eyes into mine.

"I have Artie." It comes out slow and kind of uncertain and sounds like a lie. "I don't want her to be alone. I don't know what she has said to you or if she has said anything to you but… just know I love her." She pushes herself up from the bed and goes to the closet bending over to pick up her Cheerio uniform she had worn here. "I love her." She smiles weakly shaking her head mostly at herself. "I love my best friend."

I feel frozen. I'm standing there listening to Brittany tell me how she loves Santana but she has Artie. I'm watching her walk to my bedroom door ready to leave me with all of this information and I feel overloaded yet uninformed. This is like a puzzle that has no real answer. Her hand goes to the door knob and I feel my body tense.

"Wait." I yell, my hand reaching out for her to stop moving. She does and her head turns. "Why?" I ask and I take one step towards, my eyebrows are definitely scrunched together. She gives me a confused stare not quite getting my line of questioning. "Why do you love her? I mean, not to sound oblivious or biased or whatever but she's kind of a bitch to like everyone." She shakes her head slightly her eyes looking to the floor of my room and I pick up on a small smirk playing on her lips. At least she's not crying. "I guess I don't get it, you're kind of… no you are the nicest person I know and, well she's totally not."

"I know that most people don't like her." Brittany begins and her voice is so soft. "But she's different, when other people aren't around."

"How?" I remember the Santana I saw when we went to go visit Kurt and then the Santana that broke down, but these incidents give me nothing to go on.

"She's funny." She tells me and I feel an eyebrow quirk. "She makes me laugh and smile. I love her laugh. She's ticklish in this one spot and she laughs so loud it's kind of adorable." I watch her as she smiles thinking of all of the reasons she loves Santana Lopez. Her thoughts go on longer in her head than actually coming out for me to hear and her smile slowly fades but not to sadness, perhaps to realization. "She thinks I'm smart." She bites on her lower lip and her eyes dart to the ground shifting her feet. "She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She can be kind, thoughtful and a great friend." When she looks back up to me I can see her eyes are slightly glassy but they look happy sad or sad happy if that even makes sense. "And she only let's me see these things." I feel my head nodding up and down and I'm thinking of things to say but they don't seem worthy of being spoken.

Her head bobs once in my direction and I watch her turn back to my door turning the knob. Before she opens it she turns her head over her shoulder but doesn't look to me only in my general vicinity when I stumble her way with a few miscalculated steps.

"Have you told her?" I interrupt the silence that has drifted between us. Her eyes slowly move from around my body, to my body and then travel their way up to my eyes. Her blue eyes normally so full of light and life and happiness are dull and filled with defeat. I swallow wondering if she is waiting for me to be more specific, so I decide to venture onward. "That you're in love with her." I clarify and watch as her eyes fall back to the ground where I'm currently standing.

"She knows." Her voice is quite. My jaw clenches wondering if Santana does in fact know this important detail. If she really knows how deep Brittany's feelings go for her.

"You should tell her." Her eyes dart back to mine. "Sometimes knowing something is different when you actually hear it. It feels different." I explain and I can sense her eyes wanting to look away from me but something tells me that I've told her something she has been waiting for. Almost like she has been led to believe that it didn't matter if she says certain things and that knowledge is only in the unspoken. That me telling her to tell Santana how she feels will take away some of that weight she has apparently been carrying around.

"See you tomorrow Q." I nod and I don't know if I'm supposed to give a verbal answer but even if I wanted to it's too late. She pulls the door open and walks out of my room and I stand still in the middle of it until I hear the front door open and shut.

"Bye Britt." I whisper once I'm all alone in my room.

Tonight I go to sleep with secrets bouncing off of my walls and wonder if people on the outside can hear what I can, the silent ache of broken hearts.

I walk in to school with blind spots. A conversation here and a hushed declaration there are keeping me from being able to function. With my locker in view I see Brittany putting things in her locker and taking others out. By her side, Artie. He is smiling and holding her back pack while she shoves her books she needs into it. From the moving of his mouth I can only assume he is talking about something of no interest to me and most likely Brittany as well.

Once I reach my locker he smiles and waves to me. I nod with a small smile acknowledging his presence just for the sake of team. Brittany stands up straight after placing a final book in her bag and turns to me. She smiles her big smile, waves and says 'hey Q'. I smile back to her while twisting my combination into my locker wondering if my facial expression is giving me away. I say 'hey' back and I'm certain in comes out in a questioning form but she dismisses it immediately.

"I have to get to class but I'll see you later." Brittany tells Artie bending down to place a soft kiss on his cheek and I do all I can to fight the urge to roll my eyes. At least Santana isn't here to witness this is all I can think. "See you in English Q." She waves and bounces off down the hallway leaving me and Artie.

After watching her vanish through the crowd of McKinley students I turn my attention back to my locker because it is a lot more interesting than having a fake conversation with Artie. I look to my side because I can sense his presence and of course there he is sitting there with a dumb look on his face.

"Umm you can go now." I say to him waving him off as though his job here is done. He looks to me and scrunches his eyebrows at me.

Maybe it's mean to be mean, he honestly never did anything to me personally but he's kind of a jackass. He treats girls like crap because he thinks because of his condition he has a right to or something. I mean, I remember when Santana had said that he made a comment about her boobs a bunch of months ago. And when he was dating Tina and told her about her wardrobe, I mean seriously, who does that. He thinks he's the shit and he is definitely not.

"I figured since we have Chemistry together I might as well wait for you and we could go together." He shrugs his shoulders like he is doing me a favor to be seen with me. Inside I laugh but on the outside I smile as though his 'thoughtfulness' touches me. "But I'll go, wouldn't want to ruin your image." He hangs his head as he moves to wheel past me and I finally allow my eye roll to come in to play and I sigh leaning into my locker.

"Artie wait." I find myself saying and I don't know why I care.

But then come to think of it, I've already learned more than I ever thought I would about Brittany and Santana from the sources, I guess I can't help but wonder about his take on things. I mean, it's not like I'm going to take him to the side and question him on all things Brittany and Santana because that would not only be awkward but that would also be like a security breach of details I have been entrusted with.

I can't help but wonder what it is that draws someone like Artie to someone like Brittany. They are complete opposites and not in the way that she and Santana are opposites. Sometimes I feel like I can see some of what I see in Sam's eyes when he looks at me in Artie's eyes. Like maybe Brittany is something for him to flaunt and show off rather than revel in and be proud to have. Nothing like the way Santana looks at Brittany.

I wish I could find someone who looks at me the way Santana looks at Brittany. It's the same way Brittany looks at Santana. Funny thing is, is they don't see it.

I decide that today I'm going back into my spy mode and today's interrogation is going to be with one Artie Abrams. So I follow him to the table in the front that he usually sits at by himself and I grab a chair pulling it up beside him. I get a funny look from him but I toss him a non-threatening smile which quickly puts him at ease.

Dr. Graham comes in and immediately hands out the supplies for today's lab. Once the class chatter starts to build up around us I decide now would be the best time to strike up conversation of the non-chemical nature.

"So you and Brittany?" I let out and I don't look at him I just pretend I'm taking precarious notes of our findings. From the corner of my eye I see him nodding. "How's it going, I mean, it's been a while now."

"It's great." He beams at me and it takes everything in me not to throw up on our science project right now.

"That's… great." I force out hoping that my hesitation and obvious lack of interest in how 'great' things are going with Brittany can be calculated to me just paying real close attention to the liquid I am putting into a beaker. "I'm sure there's never a dull moment with her." I grin, because seriously, I can only imagine the crazy antics that can erupt in being in a relationship with someone like her. She's amazingly crazy in the most exciting kind of way. In a way that I don't feel that Artie should be participating in because he doesn't deserve her crazy.

"She's definitely… interesting." He says and the way his words slowly fall out of his mouth makes my eyes squint and my smile fade away. I find a condescending tone in the way he says 'interesting', or maybe I really don't like him that much that I'm trying to find anything in his tone of voice to roll him to the edge of the staircase.

"Why are you with her?" I ask him. Maybe it's rude but in all honesty I'm curious. I think we are all pretty curious as to what it is that Artie sees in Brittany.

"I'm sorry?" He replies and he sounds insulted.

"I mean like, what do you see in her? What is it that you like about her?" I correct my line of questioning and the tone of my voice to sound more sincere about it and not like I'm interrogating him, which is what I am really doing. His stare softens a little bit but I see the wheels turning in his head as though he is searching for the perfect answer. That's the first warning sign. "It's not that hard of a question Artie." I tell him breaking him out of his mental state.

"I know I just, there's so many things I guess." He sighs shrugging his shoulders as though there are just so many great qualities about Brittany he can't pick just one.

Now don't get me wrong Brittany actually does have that many qualities and then some. But when asked about the one you apparently 'love' there is no hesitation. None.

"She's nice." I can't help it but I snort but it goes unnoticed. "She's a great dancer." He goes on and on with a rather short and off beat list of things he likes about her.

Which if he was trying to sell her off he is not a very good salesmen. I guess you can't judge someone on the reasons they love, they just do. But the way he rattles off the list of reasons why, I'm unimpressed and I'm not drawn in. I don't believe. I don't see it.

The rest of the lab is done in silence but my head is so loud. Like the volume is on max and I can't find the off switch. I can't but replay those breakdowns of Santana and Brittany and how I felt how they felt not only by what they exposed but how they looked as they spoke and broke apart before my eyes. I felt every bit of it. The torture, the uncertainty, the pain and the love. But it was through broken hearts and fallen spirits that facts were brought to me naked and fully open to their emotional scars.

Maybe it's wrong to judge Artie. Wrong for me to think he doesn't have strong feelings for Brittany. Maybe he does see her like Santana sees her. It's easier to see what you had when it's lost than to see what you have when it's yours. Maybe he can't see because he is blinded by his feelings and that's why I am deeming his response as not good enough.

Maybe, you can only see things clearly when you have nothing left. When the one thing you want most is gone.

I can't help but wonder though, what it is that Santana sees in Brittany. What is it specifically that makes her love her? What is it? Like I realized yesterday, there are so many things about Brittany that I could see how someone could fall in love with her, but Artie had not said one of those things. Okay yeah, she's nice, but that's a given and he said in such a vague manner.

Specificity is the most intriguing factor when describing someone I find.

So I find myself in study hall in the library with Santana as usual. Normally we would be doodling away and note writing in our marble notebook, but I have decided to keep that in the comfort and safety of my underwear drawer at home. I know she will want it someday.

I glance around and when I'm sure that no one is close enough to hear me I turn my attention back to Santana who is trying to get lost in a cheerleading magazine. I lean forward to her placing my hand on the magazine lowering it from her face and wait for her eyes to meet mine.

"Why do you love her?" I speak softly and almost too to the point she might not hear me. And I'm kind of waiting for her to pretend she didn't and ignore me but, Santana smiles and immediately I'm drawn in. I want to know why and now. This smile that I have only seen reserved for Brittany tells me so many things without even needing the use of speech. But I want to know, I need to hear the words to describe this smile.

Her hesitation here is so different that Artie's hesitation. Her smile instantly gives me so many answers that I can barely keep up with them let alone prepare myself for what she is eventually going to say. She puts the magazine down letting her arms rest over it and I notice her look to her wrist and watch her playing with her charm bracelet.

"She makes me smile when I don't want to smile or when she knows I want to but I'm being stubborn. She knows that I hate black liquorish and that I can't stand when my cereal is soggy." She tells me and she leans back against her chair getting comfortable. "Every year for my birthday she gets me a cupcake from that bakery by the church and tells me she made it herself. She's kind. To everyone." She looks up at me to make sure I'm really listening to her. "Even to me. Even when I don't deserve it. Even though I don't deserve it." Her eyes look down at her wrist again. "She knows when I'm lying." I notice her shoulders slump. "She lights up a room with just her presence and her smile… she makes me happy." She shrugs her shoulders and tosses a piece of paper that she finds on her magazine. "She's gorgeous and doesn't even know it. And I lo…" She shuts her mouth quickly before the rest of the words can come out.

Like I said, specificity.