One Eye Open - Chapter Eleven
After Shanxi left to join the Executor, Ayuda was in the locker room alone again. He collapsed back onto one of the benches and replayed their discussion in his head. Even though it bothered him that she'd left him behind, Jacoby had advised to simply let it pass. He claimed that working harder was Shanxi's response to stress, and it wasn't meant as a slight towards him. From the woman's self-conscious apology and ready promise not to act in such a fashion again, the turian believed it. He wasn't sure he believed her claim about trusting him, though. Maybe because he wasn't sure he trusted himself anymore.
He retrieved Shanxi's note from its compartment and unfurled it again. Trust or no, she did seem to want to help him; to reach the point of trust, and for that to happen, he knew a better line of communication would have to be established. And that he'd have to learn to control his temper.
All of his raving during their argument must have made no sense to her. She probably thought he was a lunatic, just like his fellow soldiers had when his problems had first arisen months ago.
Maybe I am a lunatic, he thought.
The turian rested his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. Unlike in the military, there were people here who wouldn't be biased against him; people who would listen, not simply sweep him under the rug of rank. He had already accepted help from Jacoby, but he wasn't sure he was willing to open his mind up to an asari matron. The asari's mind melding abilities might reveal more of himself than he wanted, and he wasn't sure how Devaki would react upon hearing how he'd treated her daughter. He of all people knew better than to behave that way towards a woman, regardless of race.
You've wrecked your record and you're hiding the fact you're half crippled, a voice criticized in his mind, Do you want to add common cowardice to your list of baggage?
"I am not a coward!" Ayuda exclaimed to the empty room with the same emotion as when he'd proclaimed his severance to the random turian the night before.
Despite his denial, he knew that's exactly what he was. Or at least, that's exactly how he'd been acting. What a fool he was to think he could just wash away his history. Shanxi was right; his problems would continue to plague him until he could learn to face them. She'd admitted to needing a hand up from someone else, so why was it so hard for him?
A quick glance to the clock on the wall told Ayuda he had nearly six hours on hand before the meeting, and his gut told him he shouldn't waste them sleeping.
.oO--Oo.
"When we reach the hangar, we will be met by an official from Internal Affairs," Pallin informed Shanxi as their shuttle whizzed through the portal leading out of C-Sec's garage, "A Council puppet; here to make sure I'm following up on this business with Huit. He will probably want to question you. All you have to do is answer him as you explained in your report."
"Sir, I'm confused," Shanxi puzzled in concern, "What's wrong with the Admiral? Why is Internal Affairs still connecting Huit to that ship if the amps were traced to Chora's?"
"Because he wasn't looking for the amps," Pallin told her grimly, "I doubt what he wanted ever made it off that ship…"
The cogs in Shanxi's head turned furiously while the sound of the shuttles engine hummed in the background. The white noise was the only thing filling the ominous void that had built up between herself and the Executor.
She'd never had to deal with Internal Affairs, but she knew Jacoby had a jarring encounter with them before. He'd fallen under their watch a few years back after some classified information had been hacked into from his work terminal. It was only after a drawn-out investigation that wasted both time and resources that he'd finally been cleared of wrong doing and allowed to return to C-Sec. Shanxi recalled that the internal agents never did resolve who had breached the database; at least, if they did, they hadn't publicized it. The whole affair had almost cost Jacoby his job, and he'd been suspicious of people in power ever since.
The investigator swallowed and looked out the window, trying to calm her racing mind, but this time it was no use. Her heart beat so fast it felt as it if would escape her chest and the seatbelt buckled across it. She watched as the Citadel reduced in size on the black horizon. The further they traveled from it, from her friends, the more her confidence bled out of her…
.oO--Oo.
It had taken Ayuda a half hour and a half dozen wrong turns to finally make it to Devaki's compound in the Presidium. He was surprised to see that while it was large, it was a relatively plain residence. Somehow, with the asari's occupation, he'd expected something grander. Two asari sentries stood outside the entry to the building, and upon his approach, they confronted him in a polite but firm manner.
"Greetings, turian. Do you come on business with Matron Tenari?" one of them asked.
"A personal matter," Ayuda explained, "I was…I'm here about her daughter."
"The Matron has many daughters," the other asari piped up.
"Not many that are human, I suspect," the turian said as he pulled out his C-Sec ID and handed it to the first sentry, "I work with Shanxi. She gave me the directions to get here."
The asari glanced at each other, and the first one radioed something on her com in a language he couldn't understand. The turian heard his name mentioned, but that was all he managed to make out. Shortly, a disembodied but gorgeous voice made a reply, and the guard nodded.
"The Matron will see you, Officer Ayuda. Please follow Bela."
The airlock opened and the second sentry beckoned him inside. Once they were through the portal, she led him down a well-lit hallway that was silent save for the sound of their footsteps.
"I hope you do not take offense at being escorted," Bela said cordially, "Matron Tenari keeps many students here, and we are charged with their safety as well as her own."
"I understand your position," the turian said appreciatively.
As they walked along, he thought he saw whispy-thin silhouettes pass by the open doorways along the hall, and heard girlish giggling from the conjoining rooms. When the hall finally opened up into a spacious foyer, they found Devaki was already waiting to receive him. Bela gave a bow to the elder asari then retreated from the room back to her post. Ayuda was paralyzed in his tracks by a wave of uncertainty, but before he could change his mind, the regal woman greeted him with a warm, affecting smile.
"Welcome, Ayuda," she said in a voice like clear skies and still water, "I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. It is rare that I have the opportunity to meet the people my youngest daughter spends her days with."
"I…um," he faltered.
A chorus of giggles flitted through the air from somewhere behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and the light laughter doubled itself. Devaki's smile deepened.
"Please forgive my students. We do not receive many male visitors."
"I see," he said awkwardly as his mandibles flared. After spending most of his life on a ship with other male turians, he felt a bit embarrassed by all the female scrutiny. He was suddenly sorry for pestering his partner in the elevator the day before.
"Shanxi notified me that you might come, and told me why," the Matron continued gently, "As such, I'm sure you'd be more comfortable continuing our discussion in a room away from prying eyes and ears. Please come with me."
She gestured gracefully towards a set of double doors and waited for him to cross the room so they could enter together. It lead into a smaller chamber laid out with comfortable chairs and a window looking out onto the artificial lake at the center of the Presidium. Ayuda took a seat on a couch when it was offered to him, but he couldn't make himself relax. That Devaki chose to sit right next to him didn't help the matter.
"You have come because you are troubled," the asari ventured, trying to make it easier for him by voicing what he could not, "You are scared. Not of me, but of how you think I will perceive you. Of what I might find hidden in your heart and in your head."
The turian only nodded. It terrified him how well she could read his emotions. Devaki laid a hand on his and faced him with large blue eyes.
"We all have secrets, Ayuda," she comforted, "Even Shanxi, even me. Our pasts are important because they have shaped who we are today, and we should not forget them, nor should we use them as a convenient excuse to overlook the present. You should not continue to suffer so from what cannot be undone."
"How does this work?" he asked cautiously. Despite her kindness, he still wasn't sure he liked the idea of what Devaki was going to do.
"The mind-meld is very simple and only requires a physical touch. Many memories, feelings and ideas can be conveyed through this bond in a short time. It will allow me to experience what you have experienced, in exactly the same way. After you have shared what troubles you with me, we can discuss the matter, and I will try to give you counsel."
"Does it hurt?"
"No. You may feel a sensation akin to vertigo at first, but after that is over, we will be of a single consciousness and you may guide your thoughts to me at will."
"And you've done this sort of thing before?"
"Many times. It is my people's greatest gift, and I offer it to you. I only wish to help."
Finally, Ayuda nodded. He almost jerked away when Devaki brought her hands up to his face, but the woman's warm demeanor melted away his fear. The asari's hands were pleasantly smooth and cool enough to send a slight chill through his thick skin. They lightly traced the ridges over his eyes and the spikes along the top of his head. One of her thumbs grazed the broken part of his chitin crest and the corners of her fine mouth drew down in sympathy.
"Sometimes the greatest wounds are those that cannot be seen," she said softly, "Be at peace, Ayuda. Embrace eternity."
Devaki's voice was like a lullaby, and Ayuda's eyelids began to feel heavy. A tingling sensation that originated in her palms began to spread from his temples to the rest of his brain. He felt lightheaded, and the tingling made his whole body shiver. After a few moments, the fog began to clear, and he felt the presence of another in his head.
Tell me your tale, Ayuda.
Behind his closed eyes stirred several images as he considered where it would be best to begin. They came and went so quickly that they began to fade before they were even fully formed. Sensations of calm and patience channeled into him from Devaki.
Take your time, her mind transmitted.
For some time, he wondered how to begin, and when he remembered Bela's words about Devaki's 'many' daughters, he knew he found his opening.
The sentry said Shanxi has siblings…Ayuda pondered.
Three of them, Devaki's reply flitted back. She sent him mental impressions of her daughters with intense and equal love.
I have a sister, too, the turian's mind echoed. Tova. She's younger than me; pretty and smart, but very traditional, just like our parents. A few months before I came here, she met a turian who had taken a liking to her, and she to him at first. My father approved of the arrangement, and eventually gave them leave to marry.
Visuals of Tova and feelings of protectiveness charged the mental link between them. The turian woman was colored as her brother was, but she had a narrower face and softer eyes. While Ayuda paused to sort his train of thoughts, anger and frustration began to seep into the mix.
This turian was a soldier in my squad. He was good at his job; had been in the military a few years longer than me and was well-liked by our superiors. I'd never had a problem with him or any other turian soldier until I got a call from Tova shortly after their marriage. She said he had started to treat her bad; that she was scared of him and she wanted my help. By that time, he'd been promoted and was overseeing other squads, so I couldn't confront him in person. I chose to leave port and help my sister, for which I received my first formal reprimand in ten years of service.
Sorrow filled the air between them then; Ayuda's sadness for his sister and Devaki's sadness for the impossibility of the situation. Tova appeared again in the turian's head; this time shaking like a leaf. Hints of violence and raised voices peppered his mental dialog.
I stayed with my sister for several hours, but her husband showed up. We had a fight, and I got transferred to my father's ship so he could keep me under his thumb and out of their relationship. I tried to tell him about what Tova had told me, but he said when he asked her about it, she denied it all. I don't blame her. Turian women don't have the same status as men, and she'd never do anything to go against our father and his ways. Perhaps it's better that way. If she had said something, things would have only gotten worse for her. I didn't see either of them again for awhile, but the problems didn't stop. Some of the soldiers on my father's ship were aligned with Tova's husband, and they hounded me constantly for the beating I gave him. There were a few scuffles, and when they walked away with black eyes, the blame always landed on me. Things always roll downhill in the Hierarchy, always. I couldn't see my sister and I was hated by my peers. As if things couldn't get any worse, one of our outposts came under attack, and two ships in the area responded to the distress call. One was my father's, and the other carried Tova's husband. When we arrived, his team had already scouted the area and he offered us information. I wanted to break his neck, but the outpost was more important, so I listened to what he had to say and then launched an offensive.
The burning rage that entered Devaki's mind then almost made her wince. In all her years of counseling through her melding ability, she'd never felt such strong emotions.
We were slaughtered. The enemy was ready and waiting. They had almost a dozen biotics churning up the field around us. No mention of them had been made during the briefing, not a one, but he had to have known. You don't miss that many men! Not by accident. At best he wanted me to botch the mission and look like a fool, at worst he wanted me dead.
Ayuda's fear, not for himself but for his doomed squad, took over the link. The asari could hear the gunfire and the sound of Ayuda barking desperate orders. She saw the biotics flip a vehicle right onto him, and a lighting bolt of pain seared up her leg. Smoke, dirt and blood from the ripped carapace on the side of his head filled her mouth. The phantom pain from the wounds made the matron reel mentally.
I watched all of my men die; the few that were true enough to follow me and close their ears to my rival's slandering. I think I must have passed out, because I don't remember anything else until I woke up in a medical facility on another world. Through the few friends I have left, I discovered Tova's husband had brought in another team and pulled me out. I got a demotion and a shattered leg, and he got a damn medal. I was furious, and I raved to anyone who would listen about what he'd done, but I had no way to prove it. Everyone in my squad had died. Everyone but me. The doctors had to replace my knee with an artificial joint and implant a support rod along my thigh. After it had it mostly healed up, my father came to me and told me he was sending me here, where I'd have to face the consequences of my failure. Where I'd be out of trouble. The ignorant ass even had the nerve to preach to me about learning to separate personal life from duty, when it was a personal agenda that nearly got me killed! He didn't care at all that I survived. Looking back, I wish I hadn't. The Hierarchy is supposed to prevent these sort of things, but in the end, it's what allowed all of this to happen. No one would put my word before a turian's of higher rank, especially not after my reprimands. The Hierarchy failed. It failed Tova, it failed my men, it failed me.
Ayuda's mind quieted, and Devaki withdrew her hands, amazed by what she'd heard. He blinked his eyes open as she released him, and she saw a stream of tears had blurred the green paint on his face. The marred symbol matched perfectly with his mangled heart.
"Oh, Ayuda…" she breathed, unable even as an asari matron to put her grief into words. She opened her arms to him, and he leaned into them without a word. They sat this way for several minutes, with her stroking his face like she did when a young Shanxi cried.
"When I got here, all I wanted to do was return; my sister is still out there, and so is her bastard husband. My father won't see any of it, and I'm afraid more men will die. Besides, I'm a soldier. It's the only life I know. I have no other skills that make me useful. My life has come down to this," Ayuda told her.
Devaki felt him shudder as his anger evaporated. He had only enough energy left to leave her with one question.
"What happens to soldiers once they have been defeated?"