Xxxx4evaSummerxxxx, xScreamingxAngelx, jinxcharm, Chipy8910, CubeFistMan, LittleMissVictorious, Angel-demon princess12, ec4lewis, Glittergirl123, Starlight151, VictoriousForever10, and CourtsxBatFan: Thank you all for reviewing and for reviewing throughout the story too :) My new story will be out…sometime…in the future…near future though. Anyways, I liked this story too. One of my favorites :)
Tourniquet
Digidestend Angel
I do NOT own Victorious
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Chapter Eleven
Pouring Crimson Regret And Betrayal
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How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home – Bring Me Back To Life
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Lane took his keys out and opened his office door, letting Beck go in first and going in, locking the door behind him. Beck took his place on the couch, but this time, Lane turned off the recorder and grabbed the same notepad from the day before. He turned to a blank page. "Okay…what's happening next?"
"The day I seriously broke my promise to Cat for the second time- wait no, third time." Beck sighed. "I still feel so guilty, which I should."
"Let's go back to that moment in time, Beck."
"Actually, let's start at when I left the hospital." Beck said in deep thought.
Beck laid with Cat on her hospital bed, his arm wrapped around her and she was relaxed on his chest in his protective hold on her. They were laughing at the American Idol auditions on the TV in front of them. Cat didn't appreciate the way they talked to the singers and non-singers, but it was still amusing half the time, so she gave in.
Around 5 o'clock though, Cat yawned.
Beck kissed her head. "I think that medicine the nurse gave you a half hour ago is finally kicking in."
Cat nodded, her eyes heavy. "Yes, it is. Is it okay if I take a nap?"
"Of course, babygirl." Beck went to remove his arm.
Cat stopped him. "Please stay."
"I'm not going anywhere." Beck told her to reassure her.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"And that would be another promise I'd be breaking that night." Beck groaned. "I hated myself for breaking her heart…and just being a total idiot in general."
"So she fell asleep?" Lane asked, still writing things down.
Beck nodded. "Yes, she did."
"What happened that made you want to go home?"
Beck closed his eyes.
Beck laid with Cat in his arms as the doctor came in. He gave him a weary smile. "She wouldn't let me go." Beck informed him.
The doctor chuckled. "I'm guessing so. I'm just going to check her vitals really quick."
"Cool." Beck was glad he was on the other side, so Cat's IV and blood pressure cuff was on her other side. The doctor did what he was supposed to do and then sighed deeply. Beck gulped. "What's wrong? Is Cat okay?"
"Her blood pressure is very low." The doctor told him. "It's dangerously low."
Beck held Cat closer.
"Her heartbeat is irregular as well."
Beck tried to control his tears. "Is…is…um…well…is she going to die?"
"It could get life-threatening, yes, but I assure you, young man, that we will do everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen." The doctor told Beck in an effort to comfort the teenager. "I can promise you that much."
Beck just wanted the man to leave. "T-thank you."
The doctor nodded and left the room.
Beck was feeling too many emotions all at one time, and what was worse was that these feelings were all not good ones. Depression, desperation, worry, sadness, guilt, anger, betrayed, pain, and so much more related to those. He had never felt this way before…
And he needed them gone.
And fast too.
Beck hated to do this to Cat, but maybe if he hid them good enough this time, he could keep his cuts from her sight.
With that decision made, Beck spent a few minutes trying to free himself from Cat's tight grasp and put a pillow in his place.
He took his keys and looked back at Cat, admiring her peaceful, innocent expression as she slept, and forced himself to leave the room before he changed his mind.
"The drive home was absolutely dreadful and long." Beck told Lane. "It was the longest 10 minutes of my life."
"Beck, I don't understand." Lane leaned forward. "How could you want to cut yourself after that? The doctor said he would make sure Cat wasn't going to die."
"It wasn't enough for me." Beck answered, almost in defense. "The woman I loved more than anything in this stupid world could die. That was the only thing running through my mind. How was I supposed to live without Cat after seeing her every day all day for the past…11 years? It was unfathomable to me."
Lane stayed silent, staring at Beck with intensity.
Beck rubbed his lips together before answering. "She's my whole world, but I broke my promise to her and her trust in me."
"What happened?"
"I went home to my RV and brought out another razor, broke it, and instead of my arm, I figured to cut my upper leg. She'd never find them then. I hated being so secretive about it, especially towards Cat, but…I needed it."
"You needed it?"
"Yes." Beck clenched his fists together. "I needed to cut."
"I see…"
"I had cut my leg maybe 4-5 times in that 30 minutes I was gone from the hospital. Right after I finished cutting, I drove right back and want into Cat's room." Beck explained. "I acted casual. Nothing was wrong, you know?"
"But?"
"But Cat was awake when I walked in." Beck released a tear from his eye and it rolled down his cheek. "She saw right through my charade."
Beck walked into Cat's hospital room with a grin as he saw her awake and sitting up. She stared at him. "Look at you, miss sleepy-"
Cat frowned, making him shut up. "How could you?" She whispered.
Beck froze in his tracks.
Cat glared at him. "I can see it in your eyes, Beck." She practically said with venom. "How could you betray me AGAIN? Break your promise to me? Why do you KEEP hurting me like this? Did I do something wrong?"
"Cat, stop!" Beck snapped. "I…I had to, okay?"
Cat stared at him in disbelief. "Oh? You HAD to, huh?"
"Yes!" Beck practically snarled back. "I'm so overwhelmed right now! Seeing you in this hospital bed, because you didn't tell me about your diabetes and you didn't take care of yourself like you should've, so you ended up here…God, IT HURTS! I needed something to get rid of my pain!"
Suddenly, Cat did something that made his heart almost stop.
She reached for her IV and ripped it out, making blood go everywhere and she threw it to the ground.
Beck was in shock. "Cat, what the HELL are you doing?" He ran up to stop the bleeding, but she pushed him away. "Cat!"
"If it hurts you to see me in this hospital bed, then FINE! I won't stay here any longer!" She screamed in anger as she tore off her blood pressure cuff. "I'm so sick and tired of you cutting AND breaking all your promises!"
"Cat, stop!" Beck tried to stop her again, but she slapped his hands away. "Cat!"
Cat rips the oxygen tubes from her nose and off her ears, throwing them to the side with the IV. She was breathing heavily, the stress and anxiety of the current situation getting to her.
Beck let his tears fall. "Cat, please, stop!"
Cat ripped the blankets off her and swung her legs over the edge, her heart racing and her breath getting rough suddenly. "No…let's go home." Her voice went weaker.
When she jumped down, she immediately collapsed into Beck's arms and they fell to the ground together. Beck was on his knees and Cat was against his chest, sobbing violently. Beck held her close to him as he screamed. "HELP! HELP! SOMEONE! HELP ME! HELP! WE NEED HELP IN HERE!" He kept screaming until finally the doctor and a few nurses rushed in. "She ripped her IV and oxygen tube out! She was having a panic attack! Help her! Save her!" Beck continued to yell.
"Set her back on the bed." The doctor ordered as Beck did so. "We need you to leave the room."
Beck's eyes widened. "No, no, please, no! She needs me here! Please, don't make me leave her!"
"I'm sorry, son, but you'll see her after." The doctor told him gently and nodded to the male nurse to take Beck out.
Beck struggled at first, but realized he lost this battle.
"It wasn't a panic attack." Beck mumbled, but Lane heard him. "She had a mini-heart attack."
Lane winced. "Really? That's awful."
"You're telling me…" Beck sighed. "Could you imagine how I would've felt if she had died?" Beck asked out loud. "I mean…I was the reason that episode of hers happened in the first place."
"Beck, you know how much Cat loves and cares about you." Lane started. "She knows you so well, that she saw right through you went you walked through that doorway to her room. She knew you cut. She wasn't angry at you, Beck…she was angry towards herself that SHE let it happen. It's obvious it isn't anybody's fault, but that's how people are. They blame themselves for the ones they love's pain and heartache."
"I tried to convince her afterwards that nothing was her fault and it was stupid of me to cut again." Beck admitted. "She stayed quiet for the rest of that night. The silence was absolutely painful. No one is used to Cat being quiet for more than 2 minutes when she's awake."
"True statement." Lane chuckled. "Anyways, Beck…what was your guys' next move?"
Beck sat on the side of Cat's hospital bed, holding her hand close. She had those oxygen tubes back in her nose, while her IV was on the other arm now because they didn't want to upset her other arm again. She had wires on her chest that hooked up to a machine that checks her heart rate and blood pressure constantly.
She earned herself another few days in the hospital.
She played with his hands a little absentmindedly.
He watched as she did.
"Beck…"
His head snapped up to look at her, but her attention was still on their connected hands. "Yes, Cat?"
Cat gulped and looked up to him, staring deep into his eyes. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Anything."
"Can you…talk to someone?" Beck gave her a questioning look, so she elaborated. "Can you make an appointment with a professional counselor or therapist?"
Beck looked taken aback. "What?"
Cat nodded. "Please? I'd feel so much better if you talk to someone. Just once, you know? Just to get everything off your chest. Obviously talking to me doesn't help anymore. You don't want to confide in your parents or our friends. You need someone to vent to though."
Beck sighed deeply. "Okay, but who would I go to without it costing an arm and a leg?"
Cat thought about it. "How about Lane?"
"And then I picked up the phone…and here we are." Beck sort of smiled to Lane. "And I'm glad I listened to Cat."
Lane looked surprised at Beck's comment. "Really?"
"Yes." Beck nodded. "Cat was so right. I needed to talk about everything. I needed to put things in perspective for myself."
"And for you to keep doing that when you have the urge to cut…" Lane held up the notebook and recorder. "I'm going to work on these. I'm going to type up everything and after I'm done, I'll give you both one copy to read together. I'm serious. Read together. It'll help a lot more if you do. This is going to save your relationship, Beck. What's been happening this past month, I can tell has put a large strain and distance between the two of you and your love for one another. Sometimes…love isn't enough."
"I see that." Beck frowned.
"It's a sad reality, but it's true." Lane sighed. "Beck…go back to Cat, be with her, take her home tomorrow, and love her. This is now a second chance to make everything right."
"It is, isn't it?" Beck smiled slowly. "Thank you so much, Lane."
Lane gave a nod. "You're certainly welcome. You can come in anytime, Beck. My door will always be open to you."
"That's good to know." The two men stood up and shook hands. "Thanks again. You…you saved my life by helping us save our relationship. I'm in debt to you. Forever." Beck told the older man.
Lane nodded and Beck let himself out. He sighed and sat back down in his seat. He rolled up his sleeves and ran his fingers gently on his arm, where faded, white lines were everywhere and scarred permanently.
Lane closed his eyes.
If only he had the opportunity like Beck.
If only…
-THE END-
(No Sequel)