A/N: Sorry for the delay! I had to rewrite and edit a ton this time. On the bright side, there's finally some KonoSetsu interaction that doesn't end in horrible angsty heartbreak! Yay! And once again, thank you for all your kind words :) I want to make a shout-out individually for everyone that reviewed, but I think I'll have to wait until the end of the story for that.
And to "We love us," thank you for following my story first of all; I really appreciate your comments! And secondly, I agree with you. I'm not trying to push my views on the story, but I actually address the issue of virginity and morality in this chapter very briefly as I think Setsuna/Konoka would see it. Well, how Setsuna would see it now anyway. Ask her when she was fourteen and you probably would've gotten a different answer.
Lastly, sorry for the long author's note, but there are two more things I want to say:
A.) This is the second-to-last installment.
B.) Relationships aren't built and broken in a day, and I've done my best to nurture the ones in this story as realistically and accurately as I can. Hopefully it hasn't been boring! In this installment there are a lot of developments and breaking points, and I hope I've done them in plausible ways that are still in character. (Some of them are intentionally cheesy and self-mocking, mainly in chapter 13 when Setsuna and Tsukuyomi FINALLY have a real conversation, and I hope those are obvious and not overdone). However! Please let me know if they're too far out there. Your honest responses are great encouragement and help keep me grounded.
Without them I may just give up, write a threesome, and call it a day.
…Just kidding…! Hahah.. haha… ha… (?)
Anyway, on with the show!
"And I don't know if I've been really loved,
By a hand that's touched me…"
-Matchbox 20
It's easier to forget about all of it on weekends. Not to say that it's ever easy to be close to Konoka and not feel like digging herself a grave, but at least when Setsuna's just guarding her from afar she can pretend to not care about anything.
Class is another thing altogether though. Whether she likes it or not she has to finish high school. She's not sure what she wants to do after that, having no real ambition other than keeping Konoka safe and no money for college anyway. Setsuna doesn't care to think about it much. She'll go wherever her Ojou-sama needs her, and that's all.
But what's getting harder and harder to ignore is that Konoka needs her now. Watching the normally above average student stare into space during class is disconcerting enough, but Negi made it all too clear that there's more to it than that. Anything lower than a B is strange for the normally bright, hard-working girl, and although her grades are supposed to be confidential, Negi's never been a stickler for rules after they all fought for their lives together.
He had approached her one evening and shoved their latest English exam on Setsuna's coffee table.
"A C minus," he'd said.
Setsuna raised an eyebrow. That was hardly unusual for her, since she only did enough work to pass on to the next grade.
"Look at the name."
She looked at the bubbly letters spelling out "Konoka."
Oh.
Negi removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, looking far too tired for a boy that'd only recently become a teenager.
"It's not the first one, either," he'd gone on, replacing his glasses and pacing. Always the worrier. "She's been regularly failing her quizzes. Normally I'd chalk it up to having a rough time with the material or other school work and let it slide, but somehow I don't think it's that simple."
Setsuna stared blankly at the test. She'd noticed it too, whether she admitted it to herself or not. She'd observed from her perch outside her dorm that Konoka had been going to sleep later and later since a week or so ago. She'd even seen Asuna try and talk to her about it, which seemed to spur some kind of argument that Setsuna had willed herself not to eavesdrop on.
"And you think I can help her?"
"Not necessarily. I just think it's your fault, so you ought to know."
That had gotten her attention. Negi is normally respectful to a fault except in the face of danger. Any time he's blunt is usually because of his obliviousness, and this was the first time she's heard him be intentionally harsh.
Setsuna had felt the unease acutely, and almost sighed with relief when he immediately looked apologetic.
"Look," the pacing started again, "I know what you choose to do is your business, and I think we all made it clear by letting Tsukuyomi-san stay that you're entitled to your personal life. But I came here because I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. It's hard for me to believe that you don't care anymore about Konoka's well-being, so it must be that you simply haven't noticed that she hasn't been in great mental health. As your teacher and mutual friend, I thought it my duty to inform you about it."
Here Negi broke off, looking at a loss for words. Setsuna squirmed a bit. There's nothing like genuine compassion to make you feel like dirt when you know you're the cause of the pain.
"Konoka really took it upon herself to take care of me when I got here…" he trailed off again, and his eyes shone wetly under the room's ceiling lights, "I know it sounds strange, us being so close in age, and I can't really say what it's like to have a mother… but I think what Konoka has done for me is close enough. Even though she seems so silly most of the time, of all of us she's really been at once the most human and still the most put together. But lately…"
He wiped his eyes, and Setsuna has to look away at that.
"She's kind of coming undone at the seams. I know she wouldn't want me to blame you for it, and it's pretty obvious even to me that you're also suffering… but it's hard to stand here and not accuse you of being the cause. I don't want to interfere in something that's really not my business, but Asuna and I can't seem to do anything. She wants your attention, not ours."
Negi picked up his papers, ready to leave. He hesitated at the door, holding onto its frame, and looked back at Setsuna. She looked too tired for her age too, and it almost stopped him from saying his piece, but not quite.
"I've never met anyone like her, Setsuna. She's different. Don't kill that."
And he'd shut the door, leaving her to tear her hair out and, silly and girly as she thought it was, scream into her pillow.
Of course she knows it's her fault. Put-together, happy-go-lucky people don't just get insomnia, or randomly burst into tears, or start failing school for no reason. But what the hell does anyone expect her to do about it?
Setsuna tries to ignore the walls closing in on her and breathe. She tries to sleep, tossing and turning until her bed sheets are knotted and tangled around her ankles. Finally Mana tells her to "calm the fuck down or you'll wake up missing a limb," so she gives up and spends the rest of the night staring wide-eyed and catatonic at the wall.
She watches the alarm tick from 6:59AM to 7 o'clock. Mana had gotten up two hours earlier to take care of the shrine, so Setsuna has no problem throwing the buzzing alarm clock at the wall rather than turn it off civilly. She puts on her school uniform and ignores her haphazard reflection in the mirror.
Fine, she thinks halfway to school. It's not like I have anything left to lose except more sleep. I may as well give it a try.
Talking to Konoka won't be hard. Saying anything of meaning is the difficult part. She doesn't think "what's wrong?" will cut it, but she doesn't have much time to think about it when Konoka grabs her wrist and nearly gives her a heart attack.
Setsuna knows she must look worse than she thought by the look on the other girl's face.
"I don't want to bother you, but walking into school with that murderous expression will probably draw more attention than you want to get."
Konoka isn't smiling when she says it, but there's humor in her eyes. Whether it's from Setsuna's jumpiness or from pretending to speak like an acquaintance, the swordswoman isn't sure. It's embarrassing regardless.
"Uh, thanks."
They stare at each other for a moment, Konoka probably trying not to laugh and Setsuna trying not to run away. But that's how it's always been, I suppose.
"Ojou-sama," Setsuna bows finally, seeming to regain her wits, "I actually wanted to speak with you after school, if you have the time-"
"I don't. I'm trying to catch up on homework."
Setsuna stands up straight again. She hadn't been expecting that.
"But I have time now."
"Home room will start in fifteen minutes – "
"And?"
She hadn't been expecting that, either.
"Ojou-sama, since when do you skip class?"
"Since I started not wanting to go," Konoka says flippantly. "Don't bother trying to convince me either. I'm not going whether you want to talk to me now or not."
"O…kay. Then where are you going?"
This is all beyond strange, but Setsuna's hardly in a position to tell the other girl what to do.
"Come on, I'll show you."
Konoka puts her hand back on Setsuna's wrist and pulls her away from the main road leading to the academic buildings. They walk in silence straight past the strip mall on the West side of campus, ignoring the raised eyebrows of faculty that know they should be in class. The world tree is far off in the distance to the East, and when they pass the coffee shop and all the buildings fade out of sight Setsuna realizes where they're headed.
"Isn't it a little cold for the beach?"
"Just because it's morning," Konoka answers, making her way carefully over an outcrop of rocks in the sand, "It'll warm up."
Setsuna worries for a second when she sees Konoka disappear over a sharp ledge, but the thunk of her shoes hitting the ground a second later is reassuring. The swordswoman hauls herself over the rock as well, landing gracefully and quietly in the sand.
"You're going to have to teach me to do that someday."
Setsuna hears her voice but can't distinguish the words, being distracted by the slanted sunlight making Konoka's eyes shine amber and her skin glow.
God I'm cheesy.
She looks away, pretending to admire the scenery.
"This place is beautiful," she says passively, but it really is. They're surrounded by walls of rock and sand on three sides, and on the fourth there's only the ocean. The natural banks are only a foot taller than they are, but with the sun still being at an early morning angle, most of the light coming through the rocks is slanted and paints bright yellow polka dots on the floor. Only one ray of sunlight reaches over the top of the wall, the one making Konoka look even more radiant than usual.
Setsuna closes her eyes and inhales deeply. The air is salty, and it's quiet except for the breaking waves and the drip of water off the rocks and into little tide pools.
"Do you know where we are?"
Konoka's voice startles her out of her moment, and Setsuna shakes her head "no."
"This is where you first saw me naked – after puberty, anyway. Seventh grade class trip, remember?"
Oh, how could she forget?
A rush of memories which she'd hadn't conjured up in quite some time come to the surface, and Setsuna can recall quite vividly now stumbling upon this hideaway. The seventh grade class trip had been at this shore, and she hadn't known Konoka had run off to this particular place to change. She'd only followed to make sure the other girl wasn't going to get into trouble, and she certainly hadn't been expecting to jump down here and get her first taste of full frontal nudity. It was a sight that had almost caused her to faint, and simultaneously became one of her most cherished memories. Not that she'd admit it.
"Judging from how red your face is, I guess you do remember."
It's been a few years since then, but even though her prized image of Konoka naked is of the girl at thirteen, Setsuna can't help the tingling that follows the memory.
Konoka sighs listlessly.
"Isn't it weird?"
Setsuna, mind still knee deep in the gutter with her vivid mental imagery, mumbles, "Not at all, you looked amazing. It's actually quite – "
She stops herself halfway, realizing with horror that Konoka hadn't been referencing her naked body.
"No wait, I didn't mean that – er, no, I mean I did – crap, I mean, not that you're nude body isn't incredible – oh God," Setsuna puts her hand over her face, mentally telling herself to shut the fuck up.
"So is it 'amazing' or 'incredible'?"
"Neither! I mean both – No, I – "
Konoka's laughter mercifully stops her flustered speech.
"Relax, I'm only messing with you Silly. I know what you meant."
I kind of hope not, Setsuna cringes at her lewd thoughts.
"So what did you mean?" She asks, eager to get away from her ridiculous verbal stumbling.
"I was just thinking how weird it is that after everything we've been through, we'd end up speaking like strangers to each other."
Oh, right.
Setsuna had almost forgotten she'd come here for this reason; to try and help Konoka deal with these thoughts.
"It is strange," she admits, "But it's better this way."
She hates to see that frown on Konoka's face, and she hates even more that she's the cause of it. But she didn't come here to lie and put a bandage on the wound.
Konoka approaches her, closing the gap between them. There's a strange expression on her face that Setsuna hasn't seen on her before, and at first she thinks she's about to get reprimanded. She's caught off guard when Konoka pushes her gently onto the sand and plops herself right on her lap.
"O-Ojou-sama, wh-what are you – "
"It's been almost half a decade since seventh grade, Setsuna. I've changed a lot since then. My body's changed a lot since then."
Konoka wraps her fingers around Setsuna's wrist, guiding the girl's hand up under her buttoned shirt.
"That's a long time to go on just a memory. What do you say we make a new one?"
I'm definitely dreaming.
Or at least, dreams are the only way she'd been able to relive her only kiss with Konoka before. But this isn't like her other night time ventures, which are exact replicas of their thirty-second pactio make-out session. Their first kiss was fiery and touched with desperation. They'd both been worried it would be their last.
This one, however, is slow and burning and makes them both ache with something they'd only just begun to understand that first time in the magical world. Ignorance isn't an excuse for either of them this time though. Konoka slides Setsuna's hand under her bra, making both of them twitch at the feeling and bringing up their own separate thoughts:
This is how it should've been, Konoka knows.
This isn't anything like with –
Setsuna doesn't finish her thought. Is it her fault that Konoka picked that exact moment to put her hand under Setsuna's skirt? Certainly not, and her mouth was just finishing what her thoughts began. It's only natural. Plus, both their names have a "k" sound in them, right? And she's only ever been this close with Tsukuyomi, she's only ever said her name in association with the feeling of another person's touch, so is it that unlikely that the first two syllables –
"Tsuku – "
Would slip out before she had a chance to stop them?
She supposes it doesn't matter whose fault it is or isn't, because the look of hurt on Konoka's face is something she won't ever forget.
Neither are surprised to see or feel the tears on the brunette's face, but Setsuna is surprised to hear her laugh.
"I don't know what I was thinking," she's laughing mostly at herself, and Setsuna sees the self-loathing as easily as she feels it running through her own blood every day. Except this hurts far more; she was trying so hard to prevent Konoka from ever, ever feeling like how she does. The knowledge of her failure makes her scramble for an excuse.
"It's nothing you did, it's just that she – "
"Not that," Konoka cuts her off suddenly. She gets up and searches idly for her shoes, finding only one and shoving it on her foot, sand and all. "You know," she turns and looks at Setsuna, teary eyed and furious, "You're so thick-headed sometimes, Setsuna, but I think now that maybe I'm even worse."
"No, Ojou-sama, you – "
"Don't fucking call me that!" Konoka screams it so loud it bounces off the rocks and reverberates for a second, as if making sure that Setsuna is aware this is one of the few times she's ever heard the girl curse.
She stares tiredly at Setsuna a second more before turning away to find her other shoe. It's sticking halfway out of the sand a few yards away. She can't even remember taking them off.
"I was so stupid to think that you'd even notice, let alone care."
"Notice what?" Setsuna says it in a whisper, afraid of setting the other girl off again.
"Exactly."
Konoka puts the other shoe on and fixes the heel. Now out of distractions she faces Setsuna eye-to-eye again.
"Me, being the naïve girl that I am – or that everyone seems to think I am, anyway, decided that I actually had a chance of tearing you away from that psychopath. I thought, and don't ask me why," she adds, mocking herself, "that I could somehow get you to look at me as something other than some perfect angel, or the daughter of the man that saved your life, or whatever fantasy version of me you have in your head. I thought that if I did stupid things you'd see that I wasn't perfect, but it's all so juvenile, isn't it?"
She pauses a moment here, waiting to see if Setsuna will answer.
"With all due respect, Ojou – " Setsuna catches the warning in Konoka's eyes and promptly changes her tune, "Konoka, my opinion of you would never be lowered by anything. I don't find the things you've done, or anything you could do, to be shameful. They only make you human, and believe me, I'm already very aware of the fact that you're human."
"I know," Konoka sighs, losing steam, "Skipping class, failing my exams, giving up my virginity – none of those things are really immoral, but it's not like I can go around killing people in Mahora just to prove to you that I'm not perfect. I knew from the beginning that it was a bad strategy, but I was desperate."
She finally averts her gaze, embarrassed, "Honestly, by the end of it I just wanted to piss you off. I figured if I couldn't do anything, you know, really bad to make you okay with dating me, that maybe I could get the same effect by making you angry. But that would require you caring, and apparently I'm too late for that."
Setsuna smiles at that, and Konoka catches it in her peripheral vision. Even though she's admitting failure in this conversation, that cute smile still makes her feel better.
"I'll always care about you. I think I told you that already," the words come easier to Setsuna this time, "And I'm sorry I disappointed you by not going into a rage, but it would take far more than skipping school to make me angry at you. Although you shouldn't do that," she adds for good measure.
"Figures," Konoka smiles despite herself. Though it's hard to believe that Setsuna still has feelings for her now, it's good to hear, even if her efforts were in vain. "So I guess I should let him know that he's safe from bodily harm?"
"Who? Negi? You mean for letting you miss class?"
"Weren't you listening?" Konoka sighs tiredly, hardly wanting to repeat her rant.
"Of course I was. You said you skipped class, failed an exam, gave up your – "
'giving up my virginity…'
'giving… virginity…'
'he's safe from bodily harm…'
The statement finally hits her, and the realization is like a punch in the gut.
"You… you… had sex."
It's Konoka's turn to be skeptical now.
"Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think that phrase means anything else."
Konoka.
Had sex.
With some… with some guy?
The blood drains from Setsuna's face, and Konoka realizes that the other girl hadn't registered that fact yet. A nervous tingle starts in her stomach at Setsuna's blank expression.
"Heh, I guess you do care after all…"
Care? Of course she cares. She cares a lot.
In the quiet of her dawning comprehension, Setsuna tries to remind herself that she'd done the same thing. She'd gone off and had sex for the first time with someone else, and not for better reasons – masochism, resignation, curiosity.
But it's not the act of giving up one's virginity that bothers her – everyone's body is their own right, as far as she's concerned. No, morality isn't the issue at all. Konoka herself had said that wasn't the point anymore, anyway.
She had no fantasies about being with Konoka that way after resigning any "claim" she had on the girl. Konoka was always free to do what she wanted, and after Setsuna's initial tryst with Tsukuyomi, she'd given up the right to be angry or jealous about it. If she'd ever had a right, anyway.
She'd just never actually, really thought about it. It was always a lingering idea in her head that Konoka would eventually move on and date someone else, hopefully someone who could really make her happy. But actually being faced with it? Thinking about someone's hands on her, someone touching her intimately, some dirty bastard who probably doesn't even know how lucky, just how fucking undeserving he is to be close to her –
"Who?"
Konoka is definitely nervous now. She can feel something seething underneath Setsuna's cool demeanor. It would almost be better if she was yelling. The calm is only a disguise, one that Setsuna uses when she fights. When she's going for the throat.
"That's – not really important, is it?"
"Who. Was. It."
"He's our friend, Setsuna, you – I mean I did want you to get pissed off, but I'm the one that started it – "
"Tell me."
Konoka winces at the harsh tone and knows she won't get away without answering.
"Kotaro," she finally mumbles, and watches the mask crack momentarily.
Setsuna is equal parts relieved and furious.
At least it wasn't someone completely random, some stupid John she'd pulled from God-knows-where. But she'd been hoping it'd been Negi, or even Takamichi as unrealistic as that was – just someone with the appreciation or the maturity to understand how precious Konoka is.
But Kotaro? He goes around sleeping with everything that moves and doesn't run from him. He could hardly begin to understand – he doesn't even really know her.
Half her mind tries to remind her that he's a friend, that they've fought together against a common enemy.
The other half knows she's going to kill him anyway.
xx
Please review and let me know what you think!
xx