I can't sleep. Oh shoot, I didn't date this entry. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm the only one who will read this. Cary came over after dinner. We didn't have any homework but we told my family, who also don't know about us as a couple, that we had been assigned as partners in my business class and that we needed to start our project right away. I asked them not to disturb us. Mom agreed and even offered to take the entire family out to leave Cary and I alone. It bothered me a little that my mother trusted me so much, especially when I was keeping such a big secret from them.
So my family was gone before Cary arrived. I felt nervous. I never feel nervous around Cary anymore but I did. We were going to discuss about us "coming out." I had avoided the question for the rest of the class but Cary had cornered me about it afterward and said we needed to talk about it. I wondered if I had made a mistake mentioning it last night.
I had gone to his house the night before. I had told my mother that I was going over to Ginny's. Ginny was out of town that day, so I didn't worry about Ginny calling and ruining my cover. I hated lying to my parents, but I did ever time I went to Cary's. I wonder at times why my parents trust as they do.
Cary's family had gone out somewhere. We went up to his room, which held so many memories for me. The first one I think of when I walk in was the first time I was in his room in eighth grade and almost completed destroyed our "friendship." I know Cary doesn't remember that anymore but I do. I carry a lot of my faults around with me. I guess if I keep reliving them then I will learn from my mistakes. I will learn never to do it again.
I was dressed still dressed in my Krushers' uniform. I made sure Emily Michelle got home from the practice safely then went directly to Cary's. Cary laughed at me, saying I was sweaty and smelt. I rolled my eyes, flopped down on his bed, and asked him what he expected. The team was working hard to play against Bart's Bashers. We had a game coming up soon and I wanted to make sure the team was ready for it.
Cary grabbed my feet and pulled me off his bed, saying he didn't want dust all over his sheets. I told him that I was tired and needed to lie down. It was a lie, but I knew it bugged him. He replied that he could lie down without all the dust. He wanted me to go shower and change my clothes. I refused, saying I was comfortable how I was. We began to wrestle. He pulled off my shirt and I pulled off his shirt. We both knew, despite our mock fight, what this was leading to. Soon we were both naked, lying on the floor. He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me, whispering how much he loved me. He rolled on top of me, his dark brown eyes staring at me intensly. Then the words spilled out of my mouth.
"I don't want us to be a secret anymore," I spoke without thinking, "I want the world to know we are together. I hate fighting with you all the time, just to keep up the act." He kissed me, silencing me. I kissed him back, stopping him from saying any sort of reply. I didn't want to hear him say no.
It's not that either of us dated. We didn't even flirt with other people. We were a couple in every sense of the word, except that we didn't tell anyone. We didn't show it in public. Not that I would be like, Stacey McGill, and French kiss him in the hall, so everyone could see who I was with but, at times, it would be nice to hold his hand walking down the hall. Not even that, it would be nice not to pretend that I hate him. It would be nice to invite him to a Krushers' game and have him cheer me on, instead of him saying that he was just walking by and then listen to him make up some insult. It would be nice to be able to be seen with him and not having to worry.
We are so comfortable in our hiding. I have no idea what we were afraid of. Did we think people would mock us? Maybe. I know in grade nine Mary Anne always said that the reason why Cary and I fought so much was because of all the "sexual tension" between us. I always thought it was silly. I told her I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I remember it was Mary Anne, in her passive aggressive way, who was the first suggested that I was a lesbian. She must have told Stacey that, this was before we all went our separate ways, because the next time Stacey and I were alone, Stacey asked if I wanted to practice kissing on her. Maybe that's one of the reasons I wasn't overly upset with Stacey told me that she had to leave the BSC. Every time I saw her I thought about how her blue eyes flashed as she leaned closer to me and asked if I wanted to practice on her.
Cary never answered me that night but I knew, as we said our good byes that the thought was still going around in his head. I knew that Cary wasn't going to forget my words so easily. As I walked home, I wished he would forget. I didn't want to change our relationship. I didn't want to lose him. He was, after all, my closest friend. He was my best friend.
Cary came into my room, smiling at me. His annoying little "I know something you don't and I'm going to make you work for it" smile. The smile that usually is around when he says "complications make life more interesting." I wasn't going to play his game tonight. I was going to ignore him, I decided. I sat at my desk and pulled out one of the novels I had to read for English. I didn't even need to finish the first chapter for another couple of weeks, but I knew not indulging in his little secret game would annoy him. He sat on my bed, not saying anything.
Moments past. He still didn't speak. I was still on the first page, very aware of his presence. We were driving each other crazy. It was a game between us. It was a question of who was more stubborn.
"Kristy," he whispered, his voice mocking, "Oh Kristy." I turned the page in my book. Read, I told myself, my eyes skimming the words on the page. He stood up and took the book out of my hands.
"Oh?" I asked, with a smile of my own, "You want to talk now?" He kissed me and took my hand. He led me to the window and pulled open the curtains. He took me in his arms and kissed me. Really kissed me. The world neighbourhood could see. If my parents drove in at that moment, they would see us kissing. There would be no denying it and that was exactly Cary's point.
"I want the world to know," he said. His eyes were staring at me intensely. Cary Retlin was an intense person. I kissed him back, wondering who in the neighbourhood, if anyone, could see. I wondered if I would get a call from my one time friend, Shannon Kilborne.
"So do I," I said. We had sex then. Away from the window, of course. It seemed only natural. We fell into my bed, professing to each other our love, our promises. When he left, he smiled at me. I knew he was happy. I knew he wanted to tell the world.
So why can't I sleep? Because, I, Kristen Amanda Thomas, am worried. I am worried that our relationship will change. I am worried that we will change. I am worried that our relationship- the kisses, the romance, the sex, will become the only part of our relationship. I am worried we won't have our debates anymore, that we won't still act like enemies, that we won't confide in each other. It was safe to tell Cary about my nightmares, when I knew no one would believe him that I told him anything private. I am worried I will lose my best friend.
I am writing like a girl. I am worrying about things that Mary Anne would worry about. I am worrying like Mary Anne would! I'm not that person. I speak first, act later. Isn't that how I do everything? Why should I worry? No matter what happens, I'll survive. I trust Cary. I trust our friendship. I trust our relationship.
What I really should be focusing on is the BSC. I mentioned the idea of a September festival to the club today. The younger members seemed excited. Charlotte thinks we ought to do something for the real young kids. Like have a make believe school and have the older siblings show the younger ones what it's like. She thinks that the young ones would really appreciate being treated like a big kid. Ginny was sceptical of the idea, thinking that the older kids would want to do something fun. Like having that block party I suggested to the original BSC. Do something with apple bobbing and whatnot. Or wait until Hallowe'en and use our funds to do a super fun Haunted House. Taylor wasn't interested in anything at all and just wanted to do jobs so she could make money. I need people who are really interested in the club. The club is about making business, which will lead to jobs, which leads to money.
This reminds me of something Cary told me tonight. Taylor invited him to this big senior party that Stacey is throwing. He thinks we should go. It will definitely be the perfect way to bring our relationship to the public eye. I agreed. Apparently, Stacey invited the entire senior grade. I know this will be the party to be at.
Crap! It's after one. It's time for bed. I need to push out all my worries and start acting like myself: someone who is in charge!
Good night!