Dedicated to Brittany/propernice for leaving comment #100, the incredibly astute and wordy "MORE PLEASE." Oh, BB. 3

"You know I didn't really intend
to embrace you that long
but then again I wasn't the only one
holding on."

- Ani DiFranco, "Good Bad, Ugly"

I need a haircut. Maybe I'll cut my hair all off. Rachel is maybe going to have chemo and maybe she will shave her head first before her hair falls out like Mom did. (Mom Mom Mom.) No, this is bad bad bad bad, an unproductive line of thinking. I need to call the bus company this is not happening think about something else. Greyhound. Really long trip eight hours. Need to count my money need to save up because what about a sublet and the MCAT prep course is going to be hundreds of dollars so maybe the summer temp job, oh but this is not happening.

Maybe I'll take off next Monday from classes this is not happening think about something else. That's six days away still except there's a calc quiz no no no no. But my average is so high right now I got a 99 on the last two and we have quizzes all the time so maybe I can miss just the one because it's an eight-hour drive there Rachel has fucking cancer think about something else this is not happening and an eight-hour drive back and did I just run out on Jack what was going on there because he wants me doesn't he? And shouldn't that be more important because it is, it's so fucking important no one ever wants me and Jack does except am I just a baby-sitter to him or decoration in his apartment or what no that's not true he cares about me he wants me everyone always fucking leaves no no no, think about something else but why didn't I just tell Jack that Rachel has cancer but someone even left me even before I was born everyone is going to leave just shut the fuck up shut up shut up think about something else.

Think think think fuck why is it always so hot out and also I wish I had hiking boots maybe I could get some hiking boots and bring them because Rachel likes hiking and we'll be in Arizona and she sent those pictures to Mom that time (Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom) where she and her friends were out hiking maybe we'll go to the canyon oh except Rachel probably doesn't feel well this is not happening someone please help us please anyone somewhere take this back because she could barely even fucking walk up four flights of stairs fuck fuck and that was six months ago so how long has she known about this or was she just putting off going to the doctor I should go to the doctor because how long ago was it that I last went and everyone has fucking cancer fuck fuck think about something anything else summer jobs grocery store the cellophane in the meat department and those little styrofoam trays, the mold that grows on the bottoms of strawberries I was working when Mom (no no no no) died and Rachel was there with her when, no no no no no no no no don't think about this carrots tomatoes bananas nineteen cents a pound fuck fuck fuck this is not happening this can't be happening.

The city bus wheezes up to the edge of campus and then her feet are moving almost independently of her body, she's skittering the two blocks toward her dorm in her stupid flimsy sandals and why does she never seem to be wearing sensible fucking footwear?

Except Juliet slows when she gets to her building. Because Jack is sitting on the steps, his elbows on his knees and a pair of car keys dangling from his fingers. "It's faster to drive," he says.

She swallows a panting breath. "What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't let you leave without telling you."

"Without telling me what?"

He stands, steps toward her. "I love you, Juliet."

She just stares at him, her heart thumping, all she needs is to get away from this all, her body is too hot and why can't he understand she has more urgent things to worry about other than his bid to keep her here this summer. Except she's frozen in place and he misunderstands her stillness, he's reaching out for her now, his eyes searching hers and oh she's supposed to say it back except - "I - Jack, I - I can't - I have to - " and hurt is flashing in his eyes and she yanks herself out of his grasp and stumbles into her building.

She runs up all four flights of stairs when the elevator doesn't arrive quickly enough and dials Rachel's number, practically panting into the phone.

"Hello?"

"Rachel," Juliet gasps.

"Jesus, you didn't just, like, run to your dorm, did you? Because I'm not gonna die in the next hour, I swear."

Juliet presses her hand to her forehead. "OK. Would it be all right if I came sooner? Like tomorrow?"

"Don't you have class?"

Why can't she stop shaking? "It doesn't matter. Tell me what happened."

Rachel hadn't been feeling well for months, kept putting off seeing a doctor. "Those bruises, they kept coming back. I couldn't figure out why. Niall thought I was sleepwalking and knocking into shit." Finally she'd gone in. They'd done exams, blood tests. "They took, like, two gallons of blood. Guess I have to get used to needles anyway."

Juliet hasn't even opened her eyes in probably five minutes. "Do you know when your first treatment is? What are they doing, chemo?"

"Yeah. Should be fucking delightful. I'm stuffing my face right now while I still can; you know what it was like when - well. It's like the end of May. The 30th or 31st, I think. Somewhere in the middle of the week. They prefer to save Friday chemo for the gainfully employed." There's a pause. "You really want to come out here? I mean, I know I asked you to, but you don't mind? It's like a whole day on the bus."

"I don't mind." Juliet glances around the dorm room she hasn't seen since Friday, anyway. "I could use a change of scenery."

She spends the rest of the afternoon packing and trying not to think about Rachel. Or Jack. What must he think of her? He must think she had some sort of nervous breakdown. Or maybe she is having one. Or is going to. Another excuse to get out of paying back her loans, right?

Jack calls her, leaves a message about how he doesn't understand.

"I need some time. I need to see my sister." She feels like she should be crying, or something, but. But what? She doesn't even feel anything. Maybe she could get Rachel's chemo for her. Maybe she wouldn't even feel a thing.

"What's going on?" he finally demands. "If this is about this summer, forget I asked. It's not worth - "

"It's not, Jack. I... Let me talk to you in a few days. I'm going to my sister's."

"What? What about your cl - "

"I'll call you soon. I promise."

After convincing Penny to drop off notes for her professors on Monday morning, Juliet sets her alarm for six a.m.

Four hours into the bus ride, she closes her eyes and presses her forehead to the cool, rattling pane of the window. This is as far from both LA and Flagstaff as I am going to get today. She wishes she could just disappear somewhere in the desert, but the bus wheels just keep on rolling.