Hi, people. (wave) This is (hits control+v) MASTER MONK GUAN's (lets go of control+v) chapter! I hate the length of that name...

Guess what? My friend, who I'm nicknaming Yellowy, and I are having an argument over whether Cheetos (chi-toes) or Fritos (free-toes) are better. She says everyone likes her snack food better, so I'm asking you all. Chi-toes or Free-toes?

Disclaimer: I don't own the show! But I own a pencil... And a PDA...

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a MASTER MONK GUAN. To make sure that he doesn't turn into a grumpy military general, follow these instructions carefully.

Information

Name: Master Monk Guan

Element: Um. (thinks for a minute) Fire, by process of elimination.

Height: I honestly don't know. I don't think even the Fountain of Hui (yes, I looked it up and that's how Wikipedia spells it) knows that. Why? Because there weren't very accurate forms of measurement 1500 years ago, when GUAN was still within a normal lifespan.

Weight: Look at the paragraph above this one.

Putting Your MASTER MONK GUAN Together

You should have a box. Your MASTER MONK GUAN will be inside of it.

1) Open the box.

2) Win the Spear Of Guan back from CHASE YOUNG, or just take one of the hundreds of Spears GUAN already has. It's much more fun to blackmail CHASE, though. (fingers CHASEWUYA pics)

3) Your MASTER MONK GUAN will emerge from his box. Take the Spear away and make him swear his loyalty. (evil cackle)

3.5) Be sure that MASTER MONK GUAN doesn't know about the hundreds of other spears he has.

4) Your MASTER MONK GUAN will (with remorse) associate you with OWNER.

Cool Things That Your New MASTER MONK GUAN Comes With

You will not have to spend oodles of time and money on your new MASTER MONK GUAN, except when writing his name. He comes with many things to keep him entertained while he's not forcing you to train and calling you "Bobo". Your MASTER MONK GUAN comes with:

1) 500 or so Spear(s) Of Guan, minus #384

2) The fact that he's stayed alive 1500 years for no apparent reason

3) No hair.

Cool Things That Your MASTER MONK GUAN Can Do

Training: You will do pushups. And if you ask any questions, that's five hundred more for ya.

The "Repel The Beast" Move: Even if you love CHASE, you've gotta admit that's the coolest move ever.

Immortality: There's gotta be SOMETHING he did to live that long without drinking the soup, being a Heylin witch, or becoming a giant talking veggie.

Compatibility With Other CHARACTERS

OMI: COMPATIBLE because OMI looks up to him.

KIMIKO: COMPATIBLE because KIMIKO is Xiaolin. As long as MASTER MONK GUAN doesn't kill RAIMUNDO with all of that training.

CLAY: COMPATIBLE because CLAY is good.

RAIMUNDO: COMPATIBLE if RAIMUNDO can get up at noon instead of dawn.

DASHI: COMPATIBLE because he helped lock WUYA in the Puzzle Box.

JACK: NOT COMPATIBLE. JACK is evil. No duh.

CHASE: NOT COMPATIBLE, because CHASE stole the Spear. The Spear was MASTER MONK GUAN's favorite toy! (sniff)

WUYA: NOT COMPATIBLE. Hello, did you miss the part where WUYA got locked in the Puzzle Box? (I know, CHASE helped with that, but she forgave him for reasons I swore I wouldn't tell you.)

HANNIBAL BEAN: NOT COMPATIBLE. You see, HANNIBAL turned MASTER MONK GUAN's friend, GOOD!CHASE, to the side of evil. They didn't have cookies then, but they did have soup that makes you an immortal lizard, which seemed like a good deal to CHASE.

FAQ:

Q: "My GUAN has no hair... Is that normal? Did something happen when whoever ships them was trying to ship it?"

A: Eh, sorry. That's totally normal. He did have a cool braid 1500 years ago, but it's long gone now. He's a baldie. That was SO formal, right?

Q: "My MASTER MONK GUAN is frequently yelling at me like an insane maniac, calling me Bobo, and forcing me to do pushups! When I can't do more than five pushups he tells me to do twenty more! HELP!"

A: Redirect his anger at RAIMUNDO, which is where it belongs according to the plotline, or some other character whom you hate. And be glad that it's not a four-hour gymnastics practice-meet after a summer of lounging around writing fanfics.

Q: "My MASTER MONK GUAN's favorite Spear is missing! What's going on?"

A: CHASE has abducted it! We will take back what is rightfully MASTER MONK GUAN's! We will fight to the death! Let us go! Go and retrieve that spear! (dramatic pose) Or you could, you know, use a little bit of blackmail so you don't get your face all messed up. (hands out badly-written CHASEWUYA stories that you can threaten to post if he doesn't comply)

Other FAQs

Q: "HANNIBAL is saying that he has an imaginary friend named OMI, but when I tell him he's not compatible, he sicks his falcon on me... (Marshmellows), what do I do?!"

A: Quit telling him that yourself and send your HANNIBAL to a phyc- no, it's too late for that, just send him straight to Oprah. He can talk out his issues there, because obviously he has some. Could you please explain to me WHY he thinks OMI is his imaginary friend anyways? This never came up in the field tests...

Warranty:

This says that you can return MASTER MONK GUAN when he becomes a small pitiful weakling and CHASEWUYA is no longer my favorite couple ever.

And (thanks for the warranty, this ain't mine): This declares you can return Master Monk Guano only after he eats all 398 of his Spears of Guan, worships Chase's hair (don't tell him I cut it off) at some sort of altar made out of his toe nail clippings as he can't use his boogers because Hannibal has them, smashes Raimundo into a tiny bit of dust, starts farting Hannibal Bean and his Moby Morpher out, uses Omi as a football and steals Clay's hat.

Well, there you go! The hardest (and most annoying) part of all that was actually typing out MMG's name in all caps. By the end of it, I was just pasting his name in. CTRL+V is way easier than writing out the whole thing. Evil shift key.

Tubbimaura is up next. (That's gonna be interesting to write.) If anyone's got a suggestion or request for what character to do after that, just throw it at me. I really want to do Katnappe at some point if you all think that's a good idea.

Thanks again to all of you nice people out there who take the time and effort to review! We just hit 100 reviews last chapter, and I feel very loved. (hands out cookies) Thank you!

-Nikki ♪