Tobias/Four
The rest of the day goes by in blur; I am having trouble concentrating on anything that I'm supposed to be doing.
The conversation in Johanna's office had changed everything.
I love Tris, I have always loved Tris but Cara had been right.
Tris is dangerous.
Loving Tris is dangerous, because of the person she is.
She will fight for things beyond her control until it kills her literally and I am so afraid of losing her that I can't think straight.
I refuse to believe that her purpose in life is to be the sacrifice.
There is no way that she was given back to me just to be taken away again by a tyrant that she'd already taken down once at the expense of her life.
I will not let it happen again.
I can't.
Johanna sends me on errands for most of the day and I bring Tris along.
I don't want to let her out of my sight even for a second.
Things are too...fragile.
I don't know what she's thinking and that has always been the scariest part of being with her.
She feels so far away, like she's on the edge of something and if I blink or turn away for just a moment she'll disappear.
If anything happens to her again, I will not survive it.
I know that.
The car ride home is quiet.
The mood between us has changed so much in just a couple of hours it seems almost impossible.
When she finally speaks, it is a question I am not expecting.
"Why didn't you accept Johanna's offer? When she first asked you to work with her?"
I had forgotten I'd even told her about that.
It seemed so long ago.
I shrug.
"I don't know. I….I don't want to be too involved I guess. I'm not a leader."
She watches me for a moment, frowning.
"I don't know why you think that."
"Why I think what?"
"That you're not a leader. People listen to you. They'll easily follow you." She shakes her head before continuing.
"I am just the rebel for the cause but you…" She pauses. "You're a leader."
I take a moment to consider her words.
Maybe she's right about leadership but I don't trust myself with power.
Power is corruption, just look at David and look at my father.
She might be right about my leadership skills but she's wrong about herself.
"You're not just a rebel for a cause." I say quietly.
"You're worth more than what you think you are."
She is quiet for a moment and then,
"Really? What am I worth? What am I good for?"
I don't like the way her voice sounds, like she really has no idea why she's here.
I turn a little to look at her. "...Me."
The word comes out before I even have a chance to think about it. My voice sounds small.
She looks up at me, but she doesn't say anything.
"Me. You're good for me. I need you, Tris. You keep me grounded and whole. You're a part of me. I…" I am having trouble finding the right words.
I pause for a moment my hands gripping the steering wheel.
"Please don't make me try and live without you again, because I don't think I can."
"I don't want to disappoint you…" She whispers.
"You've had six years to miss me and dream about me and want me and now that I'm here what if I don't live up to what you need...or what you want...or…."
I pull over to the side of the road.
I can't have this conversation and drive at the same time.
I take off my seat belt turning to her.
I take her hand, rubbing the back of it with my thumb, making small circles.
I don't say anything for awhile because I just want her to feel this.
I just want us to be in this moment, her and I.
Together.
The way I know it's supposed to be.
I just have to get her to realize it too.
"You could never in a million years disappoint me, Tris. We were…" I pause, thinking hard about my words.
"I was in love with you before I even knew what it was to be in love with someone." I reach my hand out to touch her cheek.
"You are so much a part of me that I don't know where I end and you begin sometimes…it's…" I let out a long sigh.
"There was never anyone else for me but you. I was just trying to live my life the way that everyone told me I needed to but there is no life without you. Not really. I choose you and I will choose you over and over again for the rest of my life. I just need to know if you'll do the same."
Her eyes are focused downward and I slide a hand underneath her chin so that our eyes meet.
She shakes her head just a little bit.
"I don't know. I don't know if I can."
My heart breaks in that moment, with her words.
I close my eyes, and take in a deep breath.
"Not because I don't love you," she says quickly.
"I do...but we are on the cusp of something right now...I can feel it in my skin...It's happening all over again and how do I know that I'll survive? Or that you will?"
I take her hand and squeeze it tightly.
"Because there is no other option, Tris. Be strong. Please, be strong for us."
She turns away from me for a second and then she nods.
"I just feel so guilty…"
"For what?" I shake my head.
"For leaving you! I don't want to mess up. I don't want to do it again but I can't…make you promises I…I won't let people die for me, you know that."
"We'll find another way Tris, Do you trust me?"
"That's not the point."
I shake my head again.
"That's not what I asked. Do you trust me?"
She nods her head slowly.
"We'll find another way." I repeat.
She looks up at me and a tiny smile forms on her lips.
"Tobias, you have my whole heart and I'm so sorry that I ripped yours out six years ago."
The validation is nice but I don't need it.
She's here now.
I don't care about anything else.
"I choose you." She whispers.
"And I will choose you over and over again for the rest of my life. I promise."
I close my eyes for a moment letting out a breath.
I am so relieved.
I feel like I can finally trust her.
I can finally believe she's not going anywhere.
It is such a good feeling.
I lean over; my lips are shaking and so are hers.
I laugh in spite of everything because at the end of the day, we are still just two scared kids who don't know if they're doing anything right but we believe in each other.
That is everything.
I press my lips to hers and we are electric again.
This, this is how I knew we are supposed to be together.
There is nothing in the world that compares to kissing Tris.
Nothing.
She pulls away and it takes everything in me not to pull her back in.
"We should get back to the apartment…"
She's so close to me that I can smell her.
She smells like vanilla and flowers.
"...Why?" I whisper, my nose pressed against her neck.
"...I had reasons...but I…I can't remember them just now…"
Her voice comes out in little hitches of breath.
"Tris…"
"Yeah?" she says her voice cracking at the end of the word.
It has been almost 24 hours since the last time we were alone together like this. That was clearly too long.
I don't answer her, I simply press my lips to hers again and she surrenders herself to me completely.
Tris
I watch as Tobias slips his T-shirt on over his head and runs a hand over his hair to fix it.
I laugh a little and his head turns to look at me.
"What?"
I shake my head, smiling.
"Nothing." I shrug a little.
"This is still just…kind of unbelievable."
He grins.
"I know. I try not to think about it, it gives me a headache."
"Me too…" I say with a sigh.
He shakes his head and turns the key in the ignition.
I stare out the window as he starts the drive home.
Everything is so different.
There are cars and buildings that I've never seen before.
There is so much life here now.
It's incredible.
It seems like only moments until we reach the apartment.
I glance upwards to the familiar square of window and my stomach drops.
There's smoke, so much smoke surrounding it that I'm shocked Tobias doesn't see it but he's too pre-occupied trying to park.
"Tobias…" I whisper and then I lift my finger and point to the window.
"...Look."
Tobias eyes follow my finger's direction.
He stares up at the window for a moment,
"...What the hell…" and then it's like all at once he realizes if there is smoke coming out of the apartment that means there is fire.
Fire.
"Cara." He breathes and then he is out of the car, running at top speed up to the apartment.
I panic.
Tobias has no idea what he's running into.
Fire is fire.
He can't handle that on his own.
I jump out of the car.
"Tobias! Wait!"
He's already so far ahead of me but I run to catch up with him.
I reach the hallway of the apartment and it's covered in smoke.
I cough, dropping to my knees and resolve to crawling across the floor.
"Tobias!" I cough again.
I place a hand over my mouth, trying to keep from breathing in all the smoke.
He's already at the apartment door.
I can hear him screaming Cara's name but there is no answer.
I crawl a little closer and I can see him.
He tries the apartment door but it is jammed. He throws himself against the door hard, again and again.
It barely budges.
"Cara!" he screams, again.
He throws himself against the door a couple more times and it finally relents under his weight.
He moves down to his hands and knees, ready to venture into the flames.
I come up behind him, grab onto his leg with one hand, the other still covering my mouth.
He turns a little to look at me.
I take my hand from my mouth.
"What are you doing?! You can't go in there! It's not safe!" I plead with him.
"Cara's in there, I have to!" He screams over the roar of the flames.
I shake my head.
"No! it's not fair, if I'm not allowed to do anything reckless, you can't go off and almost kill yourself in a fire!"
He considers my words.
He knows I'm right.
He tilts his head a little towards me.
"Tris, I need you to do something for me."
I nod.
"Okay, anything."
"I need you to reach down really deep, back when you broke the glass in the labs. I need you to go back to the moment and what you were feeling. I need you to use that same energy to help me get in the apartment untouched by the flames."
I stare at him.
I can barely even remember that day.
I can't remember how I broke the glass.
I'm not a superhero.
I don't know how to tap into that last-ditch effort power I supposedly have.
"I don't think I can! I don't know how I did that, Tobias!"
"Tris! Try! Please." He begs.
If I can really do the things that Matthew says I can, I guess now would be a great time to try.
I close my eyes and try to concentrate.
I have to get into the apartment.
I have to get in there.
I think the phrase so hard that it's starts to make my head hurt, though that could be from all the smoke I'm breathing in.
I have to get into this apartment.
Cara could die.
Suddenly, things are quiet.
Too quiet.
I open my eyes slowly and I can't believe what I'm seeing.
The flames are frozen, literally frozen in place.
We can still feel the heat emanating from them but they can't touch us if they're frozen in place.
"Holy crap…" I whisper.
I can't believe I just did that.
"Thank you." Tobias says and then he crawls through the apartment staying low to the ground.
"Cara! Are you in here?" I hear Tobias yell but there is no answer.
"Cara! Please answer me! Cara!?" He is getting increasingly more frantic.
She has to be okay.
He will never forgive himself if she isn't.
"Cara!" It sounds like relief.
I breathe out a sigh.
He found her.
Thank god.
I wait a few moments and Tobias comes back out, his arms hooked underneath Cara's as he drags her.
He lays her on the floor in the hallway as careful as he can manage.
She's unconscious and there is a bright purple bruise forming on her cheek.
What the hell happened?
Tobias looks at me for a moment and then he holds Cara's nose and breathes into her mouth.
He puts his hands on her chest and pumps once, twice, a third time.
"Come on, Cara." he mumbles and then repeats the process over.
"Cara, come on, breathe."
The fifth time is when Cara coughs, and then breathes. Tobias leans back on his legs, relief flooding through him.
She coughs again and again but she is breathing.
She looks at Tobias and then at me, her eyes darting everywhere.
She seems terrified.
"What happened?" Tobias asks, his voice sounds deadly.
Cara coughs and then tries to clear her throat but she just ends up coughing again.
"Christina…" She manages to get out between gasps of breath.
She's breathing hard…too hard.
She is going to need extra oxygen and soon.
"We have to get her out of here…"
The flames resume their destructive path and I don't think that I can manipulate them again.
Tobias looks like he's going to have a break down.
"Christina?" he says to Cara, ignoring what I said.
Cara nods, and falls into a coughing fit again.
"I'm so sorry, Cara." he whispers.
I know instantly that he thinks this is his fault because he had left Christina that voicemail.
For me.
Cara tries to sit up but almost immediately doubles over in pain.
It is only then that I notice the blood seeping through her jeans.
"Cara? Are you hurt?" Tobias asks, his eyes roam her body for open wounds.
She clutches her stomach and looks up at Tobias slowly.
"No…I…" Her eyes are wide as she looks up at Tobias and suddenly I know exactly what she's going to say before she says it.
"I'm pregnant." She says softly and then she passes out.