Chapter 11: Don't Piss Off the Maid

Surprisingly, Bel was up early this morning. And he wasn't sleepwalking.

"Morning, Bel." I said over my shoulder as I started on the sausages. For once, we were having a different breakfast other than instant pancakes since I went shopping.

"Ushishishishi, the peasant wakes up so early." Bel snickered as he walked towards me. He looked over my shoulder, looking absorbed as I skilfully cooked the sizzling slices of meat.

"Can you do me a favour and get me two eggs?" I asked, not really planning on him actually doing it. He was a prince and all.

So I was surprised shitless when Bel actually opened the refrigerator and stared into its depths as though he's never opened it before. Actually, I doubt he ever has. "Where are the eggs kept, peasant?"

"Er, the topmost shelf on the door. It's a special place where all the eggs are kept." I said, quickly overcoming my shock. Bel nodded and took out two eggs. He walked over gingerly, holding the eggs as though they were a newborn baby or a handful of diamonds, and when he handed them to me he looked incredibly pleased with himself for succeeding his journey.

"Thanks, Bel. You're a big help." I said in encouragement. Bel looked even more pleased with himself. "Ushishishishi, of course. The prince is useful."

"VOOOOOOOIIII WHAT THE FUCK?"

We both turn around to see Squalo staring in horror at the scene before him. "BEL IS COOKING?"

"Yeah, he is." I said. "Shocking, isn't it?"

Bel looked offended. "What's so shocking about the prince cooking?"

Squalo snorted. "You've never touched unprepared food in your life. The only thing you know how to make is popcorn. Sort of." He screwed up his face. "Actually, no. You can't even do that."

Bel looked even more insulted. "It was the microwave's fault! How was the prince supposed to know popcorn can catch on fire? Besides, it only happened once. Maybe twice."

I suppressed the urge to laugh my head off in respect to Bel's pride. Instead, I turned to Squalo. "Wanna help?"

He stared at me for a little bit. I never noticed his eyes were a silvery-blue-grey colour. Mostly because I was too busy telling him to shut up and stop screaming. Actually, he was really pleasant company when he wasn't yelling.

Finally, he grumbled, "Whatever. I have nothing else to do." And he stomped up to us. "What do I have to do?"

Hell must truly be freezing over.

Resisting the urge to smile triumphantly, I said, "Well, what do you guys want? Bacon? Toast? Waffles? Bagels?"

Squalo hesitated, then opened his mouth to say something before I cut in. "Waffles it is, then!"

Squalo looked at me in utter bemusement as I adjusted my apron.

"Okay, I need someone to find that thing you use to press the waffles into shape. What the heck are those even called?" I turned back to the sausage, and just in time. They were starting to burn. "Safe!"

Bel looked disappointed. "The prince should be the only one to help his peasant cook."

"The more the merrier." I said, smiling. "You can be my 'special helper', okay, Bel? Squalo can be, um, I don't know….a grunt?"

"Like fuck I'm a grunt, woman." Squalo grunted as he reappeared with the mysterious waffle-making-machine. I loved those things. I used to eat waffles every morning back in Japan with Tsuna. Along with rice. And those things don't even go TOGETHER.

"Thanks, grunt." I said cheerfully, taking it from him and plugging it into the outlet. "Can you find the waffle batter please?"

Squalo disappeared. Lussuria appeared in his place. "I smell sausages!" He sang.

Bel grimaced in disgust. "Ew….this is one face the prince does not want to see first thing in the morning."

"You're such a sweetheart, Bel." Lussuria giggled. "Shall I help you, Suki-chan?"

"Yeah, I need someone to look after the eggs for me while I make the waffles….and I really don't trust anyone else but you, Luss-nee-chan. You're the only one semi-competent in cooking."

"I try, darling." Squalo said grandly, as he took over my place by the stove. I headed towards the counter, Bel following me like a puppy.

"Can you find a big, metal bowl for me, Bel? The biggest one you can find."

Bel nodded and left.

Mammon appeared too. "Muu, what's this? They're actually cooking?"

"Want to help?" I asked hopefully. "You can be added to my assassin-cookers chef list."

Mammon looked thoughtful for a moment. "Muu…..fine. But it won't come cheap."

Squalo appeared from the walk-in pantry. "Here." He threw a box at me and I just barely caught it. I peered at the label. "Squalo you idiot! This is pancake batter!"

"Voooiii, what's the difference?"

"There's a big difference, shithead!" I said, feeling mortally insulted by his words. "Pancakes are disgusting, powdery instant breakfast food made only delicious with maple syrup or butter! Waffles are the most precious, fluffy, delightful, crispy-and-chewy delicacy that could ever grace the foul mouth of someone like yourselves!"

"Voooiii, why can't you just use pancake mix?" Squalo said stubbornly.

"BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME THING, YOU FUCKER!"

"VOOOOOOOIIIII, YOU WANNA START SOMETHING, BITCH?"

Knives added to the fray. "Ushishishi, sorry commander. I'm not letting you talk to my peasant like that."

"Oh, and just when things were looking so peaceful." Lussuria sighed, contentedly flipping eggs.

"BREAKFAST IS SERVED, BITCHES!" I yelled, laughing maniacally at the Varia already seated around the table.

"Who the fuck gave her caffeine?" Xanxus muttered under his breath.

"Quiet, fools. I'm feeling optimistic and I don't want you to ruin it." I set out the breakfast dishes proudly. "Well? How's them apples?"

Xanxus said nothing but stabbed a sausage and brought it to his plate.

I took my seat and immediately attacked the waffles.

"Are waffles really better than pancakes?" Levi asked, staring at his own waffle suspiciously.

"Voooii, you idiot, don't get her started….." Squalo muttered.

"Yeah, Levi, don't get me started." I said smugly. "When it comes to waffles, I can threaten and scare the shit out of anyone. Even Squalo."

Xanxus looked at me, and I was surprised to see he was looking semi-amused. "I want to see that."

"Sure thing, bossu~~~," I snickered. "Just get that shark idiot to insult waffles for me. It gets me going."

Everyone turned expectantly to the second-in-command. "No. Fucking. Way."

Xanxus pointed to him using his fork, the sausage still speared at the end. "Now, trash."

"No." Squalo folded his arms, looking like a sulky child.

Bel very, very non-discreetly threw a slice of toast at the commander. As usual, because this is the science of toast, it landed jelly-side against Squalo's head. It slid off, streaking Squalo's pure silver hair purple. "Speak, peasant." Bel commanded.

"FINE!" Squalo roared, turning red with fury. "WAFFLES SUCK!"

Instantly, I sat up, so fast my chair crashed down behind me and I nearly flipped the table over.

"YOU MOTHER FUCKING MORON! WAFFLES ARE AMAZING!"

"WAFFLES SUCK!" Squalo yelled back at me. "THEY ARE DISGUSTING, HIDEOUS FREAK-FOOD THAT SHOULD ONLY BE USED TO SERVE SHARKS! ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH THAT! WAFFLES AREN'T EVEN WORTH SHINING SOMEONE'S SHOES!"

The Varia looked rather impressed at Squalo's outburst. But they obviously hadn't seen me in action. I roared like a dragon.

"YOU MOTHERTRIPPIN, BITCH FUCKING ASSBAG HO! IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND FORCE FEED THEM TO YOU! THEN, WHILE YOU CHOKE IN DESPERATION, I WILL SHOVE WAFFLES DOWN YOUR THROAT AND MAKE YOU EAT THEM…..WITH A CUP OF YOUR OWN BLOOD ON THE SIDE!"

There was a long, awkward silence where, for a brief second, Squalo looked absolutely terrified. I was breathing hard. Xanxus was smirking, looking incredibly amused.

I straightened my chair and sat back down calmly. "So, do we agree that waffles are more superior than pancakes?"

There was a hurried collection of agreement throughout the room.

"We're going on a mission."

"Congratulations," I said, not looking up as I was splayed on the couch, buried in a book. It was really weird. It was about some four-eyed kid with a gruesome facial scar who went to a magic school. "Tell it to someone who cares."

Squalo's eye twitched but he went on. "All of us."

This got me interested. "Even the boss?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

I sat up. "Which means I get the house all to myself?"

Squalo looked even more uncomfortable. "Unfortunately, yes."

I fist-pumped in the air. "YEAH, BABY!"

"Hey, just remember…"

"I know, I know." I waved my hand dismissively. "I won't have a wild-ass party while you're gone, I'll go to bed before ten every night, I won't drink or abuse myself with illegal substances, and I'll remember to brush my teeth before going to bed."

"I don't care about that, you annoying idiot. Go ahead and dope for all I care. Just make sure you don't open the door to anyone except for us. Enemies sometimes try to break in when they know we're gone."

I pouted, giving him puppy eyes. "Are you saying you don't care for my health and well-being?"

"I'm saying you're smart enough to not get baked." He said, looking annoyed.

"I love you too, shark ho."

"Whatever. Did you get what I said?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't open the door to strangers. I get it."

The rest of the Varia trouped in. "Let's go, trash." Xanxus growled, looking in an incredibly bad mood.

I could have sworn that Xanxus looked in my direction before leaving the room. But it was so quick I could have just imagined it.

I'm dying of boredom.

Who would have thought I'd miss the Varia so much? It was so….quiet. Completely silent. I tried everything to liven up the place. I turned on every single television in the house, I blasted the radio on full volume, I even sang at the top of my lungs every song that came to my head. But I still felt lonely.

Oh god, I'm missing them…..why am I missing them?

Great. So it turns out I've accepted the Varia as part of my family now, which I'm certain they don't feel the same since they're psychotic killers. But I've lived alone in an apartment for almost four years. I never felt lonely before.

Maybe I should take this time to read Tsuna's letter to me. He sent me a letter last night, and I didn't have the time to read it.

Hey, nee-chan? How is it going?

HIIIIIIII! I heard from Dino-san you're working for the Varia! I hope you're unharmed, they can be pretty violent…..but Dino-san is right, you're the best fit for the job. I hope they're taking care of you…..but I'm not expecting much…..

Reborn is as tyrannical as ever - don't tell him I said that! Yamamoto is really getting into this 'mafia game' and Gokudera-kun keeps on picking fights with random people…..my life is so hectic…

So far, Lambo managed to blow things up fifteen times, I nearly got bitten to death by Hibari-san (the leader of our school's disciplinary committee) four times, and I-Pin nearly blew everyone up twice (she saw Hibari-san).

I wonder if your life is as crazy as mine is…..I hope you're not feeling any regrets. Even though I don't like the Varia much, as long as you're happy there, I'm happy.

Write back soon!

- your brother Tsuna

HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUTTEEEEE! I squealed and rolled around on the floor, hugging a pillow. It made me want to see my adorable little bro again.

Then, the doorbell rang.

I padded to the door. "Who is it?" I sang. Was it the Varia? That was one quick mission.

"Is this the Varia residency?" I heard a gruff voice ask. Whoops. No Varia.

"Ummm…..no?" I rolled my eyes, even though the guy couldn't see it anyways. "Seriously, dude, what else could this place be? It's the only building for miles. What do you want?"

"I have an urgent message from the Vongola Nono I must discuss with the Varia."

"Sorry, they're out on a mission."

"Oh, it seems I came at a bad time. Could I come in and wait until they arrive? It's a very important message."

I almost opened the door before a red flag popped up in my head. "Whoa there, buddy. My stranger-danger antennae is tingling. Tell me the message and I'll repeat it when they return."

"I cannot trust any Varia officer, no matter how high they're rank is, with this message except the boss himself." The man said firmly, annoyance in his voice.

"Well, everyone's gone. Even the big boss." I said huffily. "It's just me here. Besides, I'm not an officer. I'm their maid."

There was silence. Then…..

"Well then, excuse us for intruding."

My eyes widened. What the fu-

BOOM!

The door exploded. I was sent flying, coughing up dust and wood splinters. Ahh, shit! I think one went in my mouth! Crapsocks, now I'm going to get a splinter cut in my mouth and it's totally going to get infected and I'll die of some sort of extreme mouth disease.

Oh, wait. Problem at hand.

Several people walked in, the man in front looking like the leader and the guy who spoke to me.

"What the shitty hell are you freakfuckers doing?" I yelled furiously, struggling to my feet. "Now we're going to have to replace the door!"

"Replacing the door is the least of your worries," The man began in a threatening villain voice, but I wasn't done ranting.

"Yeah, easy for you to say, monkeyfucker! The Varia are gonna flip shit when they find out about this!"

Suddenly, a rough hand gripped my throat. I gasped and gurgled and flailed my arms uselessly, trying to hit him, but there was no point. I was running out of air, and quickly.

"Like I said, you have more problems to deal with." The man snarled, before throwing me roughly into a wall. I choked and massaged by neck.

"We are messengers all right….but not for the Nono. Our allegiance belongs to an enemy family…..now we're trashing the assassin headquarters! And once we finish killing you and taking all the money in this house, we will wait for the Varia to return and kill them!"

His maniacal laughter was short-lived when I struggled to my feet and kicked him right between the legs where the sun don't shine.

He grunted painfully and fell to his feet. The men behind him yelled in horror. I turned to them and grabbed the first weapon I saw - an umbrella.

"You better leave!" I snarled, brandishing the umbrella fearsomely. "Because I am Sawada Natsuki, the Varia's maid, and there is one rule here that is made clear in the Varia household….. DO. NOT. PISS. OFF. THE. MAID."

Then I charged.