It's weird walking past the choir room now, Blaine thinks as he makes his way to the cafeteria where they're forced to relocate to. Mr Schuester had organised for the glee club to start rehearsing there and though they only get half the rehearsal time as they did before and the acoustics of the room can be atrocious, the lunch ladies thankfully don't mind them being noisy while they try and keep glee club alive. Without a budget, no longer can they stage their performances or have any sort of costumes but glee club is about the singing and that's what they hope to continue to do. The loss of sectionals is one they all feel, especially as unjustified as it is. The trophy was and still is rightfully theirs but, after their resignation, they are no longer in the running for regionals.
The band has thankfully agreed to stick around too and twice a week the mismatched group of teenagers still meet up to bond and share their love of music and performing.
When Blaine enters the cafeteria for their third rehearsal in their new location, he's surprised to hear only his own footsteps echo around the spacious hall instead of the usual chatter of his club mates.
Everyone sits in rigid silence, some upon the hard lunch room chairs, several perched on tables. Mr Schuester sits to the side and every single one of them is looking at Kurt standing before them.
Blaine's heart sinks, he'd managed to delay Kurt confessing so far, asking him to wait until they'd at least found a new place to practise so maybe they wouldn't be quite so angry, then convincing him to let them settle in first. Kurt has apparently decided that he has waited long enough and Blaine isn't sure if he can watch.
But then Kurt catches his eye and he smiles briefly, it's clear he's nervous but Kurt has assured Blaine time and time again that this is something that he simply has to do. Blaine gets it. His conscience has been about as clear as mud lately and he feels terrible about lying to his friends but he knows he isn't brave enough to stand in front of a room full of people who trust him and explain that he's the reason they can't compete at Regionals. His whole life, Blaine has tried and tried just to get people to like him, he's the one always eager to please others, ensuring their happiness before his own and to think that he has disappointed so many people makes him feel nauseous. There's no way Blaine can tell them what he did, not without explaining everything in the hopes that maybe they'd understand and it goes without saying that he can't do that.
Blaine takes a seat between Artie and Rachel, dread welling up inside him.
"Okay, everyone's here now," Mr Schue says as Blaine sits, "What was it you wanted to announce, Kurt? Are you going to sing?"
"No," Kurt says, abruptly crushing any of the teacher's hope that he might finally sing for them once again. "I…uh…I have a confession to make." Blaine can hear how much he's shaking just through the tremor in his voice and he wants nothing more than to go to him offering comfort but he knows he can't. Not now. Biting his lip, Blaine leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees for support, his heart pounds as he watches his boyfriend willingly enter the lion enclosure.
Kurt is twisting his hands together in front of him, a habit Blaine has noticed him do when he's nervous or uncomfortable.
"The reason you guys aren't competing at Regionals any more isn't because of Coach Sylvester…It's because of m-me." There's a moment of silence as Kurt allows everyone to process the information. Blaine can see him scan the room anxiously, awaiting the outburst.
"What are you talking about?" Rachel speaks up quietly, asking the question on everybody's mind.
"I filled out the resignation form, forged Mr Schuester's signature and withdrew all of you from the competition," Kurt states and it can't get any more straight-forward than that.
"What the hell, dude?!" Puck shouts from one of the tables, fury creasing his face. "I thought you were one of us?" This sparks a riot of noise as everyone goes crazy, yelling accusations and slander while Kurt stands before them all and takes it.
"Guys!" Blaine hollers, managing to silence them for a moment, "let him speak."
Rachel's head whips to the side to give Blaine a suspicious look.
"Did you know about this?" she accuses, eyes alight with fury.
Blaine mouth quivers, he doesn't want to lie directly to her face and Kurt is standing up there all alone, facing the brunt of everyone's hatred. His hesitation, however, is long enough for Kurt to interrupt.
"Blaine had nothing to do with it. He had no idea," Kurt defends him.
"I just - I can't - I don't understand. Why would you do this to us, Kurt?" Rachel demands, turning her attention away from Blaine before he can say anything to deny what Kurt had said.
"I just want all of you to know that I am incredibly sorry, and I had no idea the consequences would be this bad," he admits, gesturing to the cafeteria where they are now forced to rehearse.
"But you knew what you were doing would get us pulled out of the competition," Quinn reminds everyone, scowling at Kurt's direction.
"Yes," he clarifies.
"But why, dude?" Finn asks, he's probably the calmest out of everyone but Blaine doesn't miss the look of betrayal on his face.
"I guess I was…" Blaine looks up as Kurt trails off, wondering how he'll explain this away. "I was jealous," Kurt says as a matter of fact. "I was jealous that you could all perform on stage together and that I couldn't." And there goes the final nail in the coffin.
"The only person stopping you from performing with us was you. We wanted you up there with us, we begged you to join again after you quit the first time. Clearly that was our mistake," Rachel huffs in disgust and Kurt hangs his head slightly in shame.
"We thought you were our friend," Tina says sadly.
"You're no better than Coach Sue, no you're worse." Artie snarls.
"Kurt, I…I don't know what to say," Mr Schue interjects silencing the teens, strangely calm as he stops everyone from talking over each other again. "I can't even begin to describe how angry I am, how we all are. I think you should leave, and I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say you can't be in this club anymore."
Not everyone Blaine thinks but doesn't say.
Kurt nods in understanding as he picks up his bag. Blaine makes to stand, but as Kurt passes he gives him a pointed look and after being with Kurt for just a couple of months, Blaine already knows what he means with a single look. Stay, don't make it worse.
Reluctantly, Blaine slumps back into his seat, the rest of the club are none the wiser of their mute conversation while the cafeteria door closes loudly behind Kurt.
"Hey," Blaine greets the next day, placing his lunch tray on the table and taking a seat opposite Kurt who, predictably, had been sitting alone. He's wrapped up in a large hoody, as well as his usual hat and Blaine isn't surprised that he's being particularly guarded today in both his outfit and his demeanour.
"Hey," Kurt says quietly
"You feeling any better about…well, you know?" Blaine asks.
"In a weird way, I am," Kurt replies, nodding slightly with a flicker of a smile. "I mean, I had to tell them and I knew that they'd hate me. And now that they do it kind of feels like justice. I deserve this."
"Kurt you don't – " Blaine starts, ready to defend Kurt until his last breath even though his biggest enemy seems to be himself.
"And I think I'm done talking about it," he interrupts. "I just want to move on from this."
"Okay," Blaine says with a nod, letting it go.
It's hard watching Kurt stumble through school without a single friend again. Blaine is sure he's even more reserved than he was before he met him, after all the scares of being found out lately, Blaine doesn't blame him. Being near anyone at all is a risk, one that he has to make daily simply by coming to school. Now, without the guys in glee club to look out for him, the bullying is bound to make a reoccurrence. Some of the more ruthless jocks had backed off a little when Kurt had associated with the glee club, or, more specifically, with Puck, Mike and Finn. Gossip spreads fast though and it barely takes a day for the whole school to find out what Kurt did to the glee club and it's easy to make the connection that they are no longer what you would call friends.
Blaine sticks by his side as much as possible, refusing to let Kurt be alone where anyone could approach him and pick a fight if he can help it.
So Blaine isn't the least bit bemused when Rachel appears at his locker two days later with a stern look in her eye.
"You're still dating Kurt," she says. It's not a question.
I…" Blaine starts, mouth floundering open as he tries to remember how to speak. Before he can get another word out, however, Rachel slaps him on the arm forcefully, her brow creasing in disapproval.
"Blaine!" she exclaims as Blaine closes his locker door and turns to face her, knowing that calming her down will be a monumental task. "What is wrong with you?" she demands, slapping him again on the arm as he flinches away.
"You mean aside from the crazy girl who keeps hitting me?" he retorts, taking a step backwards as he rubs his sore arm.
"You know what I'm talking about," she scowls with an accusing finger pointing towards Blaine who takes several more nervous steps backwards while he's stalked by Rachel.
"Look, I don't know what you want me to say," Blaine says, making a turn and hurriedly walking towards his next class and, more importantly, away from Rachel. It's obvious that he and Kurt are still together and denying that fact to the glee club would be beyond pointless. Blaine only wishes he knew how to explain it away.
"I don't understand how you can even be near him after what he did to us."
"He made a mistake but I still care about him," Blaine says, trying to defend Kurt but as long as Rachel and the rest of glee club don't know the whole truth then showing his support for Kurt will be extremely difficult.
"A mistake? Blaine, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew it would hurt us, okay. This is more than just a mistake and I want to know why you insist on defending him, you've only known him for, what? Three months? Clearly you can't trust him."
Blaine says nothing as he quickens his pace slightly though Rachel is persistent as she follows him.
"Blaine, just tell me what's going on!" she shouts, causing everyone's heads to turn to their direction. Blaine pauses, suddenly feeling very small under the gaze of people who are still mostly strangers to him. Ducking his head, he hurries off, silently begging Rachel not to follow him though his wishes remain unheard.
"Rachel, I can't tell you," Blaine says pleadingly, slowing down finally as he realises this hallway thankfully has much fewer students present, "please just leave it alone."
"How can you ask me to do that when my future has been jeopardized? I'm applying for NYADA if you remember," Rachel says with a scowl before confusion suddenly clouds her face. "Wait…you do know something, don't you?" A hand grabs at the sleeve of Blaine's cardigan, causing him to stop mid-step. "Blaine?" Rachel's voice is stern but the miniscule flutter in her tone makes Blaine feel like the worst person in existence.
"I…Rachel…"
"You knew he was going to…?" Blaine sighs, Rachel's eyes finding his and silently begging for just one word of truth from him.
"Please don't hate me," Blaine begs instead of confirming her suspicions. It hadn't occurred to him until then just how much he really doesn't want the glee club to hate him. He's never had friends like them before, never have a group of people been so open and accepting and utterly indifferent to the fact that he's gay before. Being in glee club is like a breath of fresh air after years of being an outsider, always feeling inadequate while desperately trying to please people who simply didn't care.
Rachel says nothing, tearing her hand away like Blaine's sleeve had burned her, a damaged expression creasing her features. Blaine has seen an endless number of emotions cross her face while she performs, ranging from hopelessly in love to devastated and broken but this is far, far worse than anything he has seen on her before. This is real and he caused it.
"Rach-"
"Don't even talk to me," she interrupts but her voice is so lacklustre, there's none of the bravado or passion that she uses in her everyday speech. This is Rachel stripped bare.
"Please, just listen," Blaine urges, now the one chasing after her. "Rachel, yes, I did have something to do with this, a lot in fact. But there's so much going on right now, so much more than you know and I can't tell you what it is because it's not my story to tell. I feel absolutely awful about what happened and I wish it didn't have to come to that but believe me, please, we had no other choice." Rachel stops long enough to listen to what Blaine says.
The moment he finishes, she sighs heavily, dragging a hand tiredly over her face.
"You don't belong in glee club," she says after what feels like several days' worth of silence rather than several seconds', "either of you. We're about being united, about being there for each other no matter what. And if you feel like you can't share your problems with us, that's fine, it's your life. But don't drag us into your mess and then lie about it. I mean Kurt admitted to it at least but you…you're not the person I thought you were, Blaine." With that, it's clear Rachel has nothing left to say, nor is she willing to let Blaine explain himself further and she storms away.
Blaine bites his lips, never has he felt so disappointed in himself in his life.
"Are you okay?" Kurt asks that night. They're lying on Blaine's bed, a movie playing but neither of them particularly concerned with actually watching it. The only reason Blaine switched his television on was to eradicate the silence that he knew would otherwise occupy the air around them. Kurt is still sullen and quiet and Blaine is mulling over the fact that his first real friends now probably all hate him.
Kurt is nestled into his side, purring quietly despite his mood, reminding Blaine that he does still have one good thing left. He'd assured Kurt's safety at the cost of his friends and he would do it again if he had to.
"I'm fine," he says in answer to Kurt's question, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible and keeping his eyes glued to the screen.
"Then why didn't you go to glee rehearsal today?" Kurt counters, clearly aware that something is up.
"I…" Blaine starts despite having no idea what to say next. "I guess I'm not too popular with the glee club anymore either," he says with a shrug, as if that fact isn't burning a hole in his chest.
Kurt sits up abruptly.
"They know that you…?"
"Rachel was interrogating me, she was suspicious because we're still dating and I couldn't just lie to her face," Blaine explains, watching with dread as Kurt's face drops. The last thing he wants is to give Kurt more reasons to feel guilty.
"I'm so sor-"
"Don't," Blaine interrupts. "What's done is done. You said yourself that you're done talking about this whole mess so let's just put it behind us, okay?" he says softly. Kurt lets out a heavy sigh.
"They were your friends," he whispers.
"They were yours too. Before they were mine in fact," Blaine reminds him.
"I know but they always liked you better," Kurt says with a pout before snuggling against Blaine's chest, purring even louder than before. Blaine smiles, happy that Kurt seems to be at least a little bit more at ease now things are starting to look like they might be okay.
"Well now they hate us both equally," he says teasingly and, despite himself, Kurt giggles into Blaine's cardigan. Laughing about it may be the only way Blaine can overcome the guilt and grief at losing all of his friends.
School the next day is tense. Blaine tries his utmost to avoid eye contact with anyone but Kurt and the few times he passes anyone from glee club in the hallway, both his pace and heart rate increase exponentially. No one has said a word to him, but why would they? He betrayed them. Blaine's just glad they're not yelling at him.
Despite making such an effort to avoid eye contact, he does catch one or two glances throughout the day. In Calculus, Mike continues to look over his shoulder at Blaine, shooting indecipherable looks his way. Blaine has to bury himself in his work to avoid them and the sinking feeling in his stomach that follows. Losing everyone in glee club as a whole is something Blaine can deal with but when he gets down to remembering every individual member and his own relationship with each of them, that's when he really starts to ache. Without Mike, there's no one to throw paper balls at during class, no one to distract him from the dull void of boredom that is Mrs Hardy.
When the bell rings, Mike leaves without a word or even a second glance and Blaine tries not to think about how they would normally be walking out of class together, mimicking their teacher's astoundingly boring voice the moment they're out of earshot. Instead Blaine leaves the classroom alone.
He passes Kurt on his way to his next class, and they smile briefly to one another, as long as Kurt is there, Blaine can make it through the day.
The next few days are no different but Blaine has Kurt to keep him company when he feels like it's him against the world. Kurt's been there, he knows the isolating loneliness that comes with detaching oneself from everybody. This is nothing new for him.
It's like Kurt has accepted loneliness into his life like an old friend and something inside Blaine tells him Kurt long ago accepted the fact that this would be something he'd simply have to get used to.
It's a terrible shame that the glee club can no longer be a welcoming home for the two of them, especially for Kurt who so desperately needs some place where he can feel like he belongs but Blaine knows when the show is over, when there are no more curtain calls. The glee club is finished with them after their betrayal and that's a fact that won't change. It might not be characteristic of Blaine to give up but he certainly knows when he's not wanted and when to take a step back. More importantly, he knows where he's needed more urgently and that's with Kurt.