I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 11

(Jacen)

We've gotta get some more stim. Like tonight. We're almost out, I'm not gonna make it without some.

I should quit. I really should. But when I'm not using, I feel like crap. I need more of it. Fortunately, I didn't use the whole 300 credits, but I've only got 120 left and that's not gonna get me much.

"We gotta find this guy," I tell Dersh.

"I know, I know! Gods, Solo, you're a fucking pain in the ass!"

Dersh hasn't been in a good mood lately.

Neither have I.

"We'll go tonight. I'm pretty sure I can remember. Now quit whining at me like a little bitch."

"Fuck you," I tell him and head off. I'm sick of him.

I'm sick of everybody. Even Tenel Ka, she keeps looking at me like she's so worried about me. I like her a lot, but I hate it when everyone's got eyes on me, and it feels like that all the time. Jaina won't stop asking me what's wrong. Uncle Luke keeps telling me my anger's taking me to the Dark Side. Aunt Mara tries to talk to me, but she'll just go back and tell Uncle Luke what I said. I don't trust her.

I don't even wanna think about Mom, Dad, Anakin and Jarik.

I'm tired of being the family loser. Hell, I'm tired of being a loser, period.

I wish I could just make things go away. But even Jedis can't do that. At least not this one.

I'm in my room. It's gonna be dinnertime soon. I really miss Dad's and Mom's cooking. I know, I never thought I'd say I miss Mom's cooking, but she's gotten good. And she's on leave.

The problem is, I think she agrees with Uncle Luke about being 'disciplined' in using the Force. Whatever that means.

There's a knock at my door. I hope it's Tenel Ka. I love her so much, I can't stand to have her see me like this. I don't know what she sees in me.

I open it, but it's Jaina. "Are you ready to come to dinner?" she asks me.

"Where's Tenel Ka?"

"She'll meet us downstairs. She's been doing some extra practice. She thought you were gonna join her."

I totally spaced. I can't even remember when I'm supposed to do something with Tenel Ka.

I suck.

"Yeah, okay." I leave with Jaina.

She stops and looks at me. "I think you should go home," she says to me.

I don't know what to say.

"I thought you'd be doing better after being on break, but you're just acting crazy."

No, dear twin sister, I'm not acting crazy. I am crazy.

I hate eating these days. If you eat, it harshes your buzz faster. So for the first time in my life, I'm not a chubette. I guess that's a bonus.

But Tenel Ka's gonna be there, and I really wanna see her in the worst way.

"Jacen? I just said maybe you should go home," Jaina repeats.

"I heard you the first time, dammit!"

"Maybe you shouldn't join Tenel Ka and me." She stomps off. She does that when she's pissed off or stressed out or whatever it is that drives Jaina.

My twin sister has become a total stranger to me. Along with everyone else.

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"I waited for you," Tenel Ka asks me, her calm grey eyes sizing me up.

"I'm sorry. I was tired. I-I took a nap."

She doesn't say anything, just nods at me. I'm sure she knows I'm lying. But when we get to the table, she holds my hand underneath it. "Let's take a walk after dinner," she says.

"Okay."

One of Jaina's other buds sits down with us. He's friends with mostly Jaina but Tenel Ka, too. I don't like the way he's looking at either of them. I stare at him, hoping he'll take the hint and get lost. The three talk and laugh about the lightsabers we're supposed to start making tonight. We've talked about building them in class, now we have to start making them.

I couldn't care less about making a lightsaber. I'd rather do something useful, like come up with treatments for sick animals that eases their pain and trauma. Even Uncle Luke says the Force can be used like that, but it's best to be prepared as the Jedi are the peacekeepers of the galaxy.

I'm not interested in being prepared to be a soldier of any kind. My mom and dad lived through the war and they have some pretty gruesome stories to tell. They lost a lot of friends. They got into bad situations. Uncle Luke helped them, yeah, but they helped him, too. In fact, Mom and Dad say Luke lost the most in the war. But it takes from everybody, they said. Nobody got out without losing something or someone.

"Jacen, you should try to eat something," Tenel Ka whispers to me. "You're looking way too thin."

I smile at her, or I try to. "I think that's the first time anyone's ever said that to me."

"Let's go outside," she says, and we take our trays to the dishwashing window.

Evenings are kind of nice on Yavin. Not as hot as Coruscant. It's a lot greener here. Lots of forests and meadows. They've got bugs, but they don't bother me much.

Tenel Ka loops her arm through mine and we walk quietly till we reach a huge rock near one of the lakes that are all over Yavin. We sit down. She looks at me, her stare calm but penetrating.

"Jacen. Tell me what you're doing." Her tone is gentle, but her eyes say, don't even try lying to me.

I can't tell her. She'll leave me and never talk to me again. I just know it.

"Jacen. Something is up with you. I'm your friend, and I want to help you."

"I don't think you can."

"Maybe not, but let me be the judge of that."

I look back into her face. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"I don't know that I can do that. But I will do everything I can, and there has to be someone out there that will help you. Your mom and dad seem real nice."

I'm trying not to cry. Tears start stinging my eyes.

She wraps her arms around me.

"Stim," I finally choke out. "Synth-stim."

"You've been doing synth stim," she says, her voice quiet.

"My uncle keeps telling me I'm headed for the Dark Side. Well, here I am." I can't keep the anger out of my voice.

She doesn't seem freaked out by it, which sort of freaks me out.

"You're not headed anywhere near the Dark Side. You're a good person who's destroying himself while trying to save himself."

How does she stay so calm? I'd like to know. I'm ruining my life but she can stay perfectly even.

"I think Jaina is right. You need to go home," she says.

"I can't let Uncle Luke find out about this."

"You should let Jaina know. She already suspects something's up with you. You've blocked your mind from hers."

"Yeah, well, sometimes a guy likes some privacy." I can't believe how bitter I sound.

"But Jaina cares about you. She hasn't shared her concerns with anyone but me and presumably Jag. And Jag's not here."

"I don't think I was cut out to be a Jedi knight."

"Not everyone with the Force is. I am, but we're different people. I listen to you talk about animals and I'm struck by how much compassion you have for them, and when you talk about your parents and your brothers, and yes, even Jaina, it's clear how much you love them and want to do well by them."

"Yeah, well, I seem to always be a day late and a credit short."

"I think your parents would understand and get you help. You always say how your dad especially solves problems on his feet and keeps his cool. Comm him, please."

"I think you should get back if you're gonna build your lightsaber," I tell her. "I'll walk you."

"I want to make sure you're gonna be okay, Jacen. I care about you very deeply." She's being serious, too.

"Believe it or not, the feeling's mutual."

"I know." She gazes at me calmly. "Let's comm your dad. If you want, I'll stay with you."

"No, go make your lightsaber."

"Promise you'll get in touch with your mom and dad."

"I will." I'm not sure, but I think my dad might be cool about dealing with this. I hope. Because he can have a real wicked ass temper when you piss him off.

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I take Tenel Ka to the lightsaber class and leave her there. I'm on my way to my room when I'm stopped. By Uncle Luke.

He holds up a glassine sleeve that holds my little bit of synth stim.

"I found this in your room," he says, and his voice is cold as ice. "I found a lot more in Dersh's room. I'm kicking him out. You're my nephew and I think you should concentrate on your studies or risk being turned to the Dark Side."

I start screaming but it's like it's coming out of someone else's body. "You can shut the fuck up about the Dark Side! I'm tired of the way you try to make everyone so afraid that they'll do what you want!"

"I do not terrorize fellow Jedi. I simply warn them of the consequences of what their actions will be. My father became part of the Dark Side, although he was not for the last few minutes of his life. He was supposed to have been The Chosen One."

"Shut the fuck up! I don't care about my grandfather! My mom's told me enough, and my dad hates him, too!"

"Hatred and anger are the easiest path to the Dark Side."

I'm taller than he is. And younger.

I'm watching in slo mo as I take a swing at him.

He grabs my arm before it reaches him.

"Go to your room, meditate, and tomorrow, we'll discuss ways to get you on the right path," he tells me.

"You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be a Jedi! How many times do I have to say it?"

"You don't choose to be a Jedi or not to be one. You have a destiny!"

And then, I hit. Hard. He's down on the floor.

Aunt Mara comes out. "Luke, are you all right?" She asks. And then she looks up and sees me.

"I told him to go to his room and meditate," he whines.

"He's in no condition for that."

"The Force will guide him away from this - if he allows it to."

"Gods of all the heavens, Luke, he's addicted to synth stim! He needs more than meditation!" Aunt Mara's about the only person who can get Uncle Luke to change his mind about anything and her track record isn't even great.

"Go to your room," Uncle Luke says, with that I'm The King Of The Universe type of calm voice.

I'll go to my room, all right. As for meditating, though, fuck that noise.

I'm gonna call my dad.

If only I knew what to say to him.