Spencer had not slept the previous night, Alex's dismissal of him at her door step and Derek's horrific reaction both prevented the genius from getting any sleep. As his alarm went off to get up for college, he just looked at it. He had been staring at it all night, willing himself to either fall asleep, or will time to fast forward so it would be time to start the next day, even though he was not looking forward to what he knew was to come. Alex in the morning, Derek in the afternoon, both angry with him, and with good reason. He got out of the bed and stared at the side usually occupied by his handsome lover. He wondered would Garcia be annoyed with him today too, and wondered how much had Derek told her. He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, as he waited for the water to heat he got his toothbrush readied. When the water was to the right temperature, he stepped in and simultaneously washed his body and brushed his teeth. Once the latter was completed he washed his hair then stepped out into the silent bedroom.
He got dressed and went down the stairs. Clooney looked at him and then to the staircase, as though wondering where Derek was. "I'm sorry boy, I screwed up and Derek left." The dog just looked at him. "Great. Even you're mad at me." The dog walked to the door to be allowed out to the garden without as much as a backwards glance. Spencer left him out and filled his bowls before forcing a small bowl of oatmeal down his throat. The dog came back in and he locked the door. He grabbed his satchel and headed out to his car. He bit his lip thinking of the jestful comments Derek and Alex always made about his car. He sighed and got in; he contemplated for a few minutes on whether or not he really should go to the college, there was nothing the lecturer could say that he did not already know or could easily find out, but with not talking to Alex he knew he couldn't have the laid back attitude he used to have with her giving him all the information.
All too soon he was at the university and wandering around waiting for the hour to strike to go to the hall, fearful to go beforehand in case he would see…the person ironically standing right in front of him. Alex looked around at him for a moment before turning back to the counter and collecting her smoothie order, and then walked off in the direction of their tutorial room, without saying word or even acknowledging him.
He arrived five minutes late, much to the annoyance of the lecturer and took a seat opposite Alex who seemed completely occupied at staring at the wall rather than concentrating on anything else, including the tutorial. He took the chance to pay close attention to her for a moment. Her eyes seemed darkened, her skin pale and her hair, somewhat dead. Was she eating enough? She most certainly was not sleeping enough. That wasn't good for her or the baby. He froze his thoughts. Why was he concerned for the child all of a sudden, it had ruined his life. He bit his cheeks and decided to just pay attention to the lecturer. All too soon the consultation aspect of the exercise came. He groaned, then he looked around and saw Alex just stand up and leave the room. He noticed her bag and belongings were gone too, but she had left her jacket. Unsure of what possessed him to do so; he grabbed the garment and chased the woman. Outside the door he saw the green jumper and brown hair turn the corner and darted for it.
He caught up with her on the green, but stayed a few paces behind wondering how to actually call her when he saw her freeze and look at her arms for a moment. "Goddammit." She stomped her foot to the ground as thought to reiterate her point. Spencer couldn't control the small smirk on his face. Even with everything, he couldn't deny why he found Alex so appealing. He came to a sudden realisation, she was going to turn to go back for the jacket and he was standing behind her with…..
"You forgot this." He held out the jacket as she looked somewhat baffled, slowly reaching out to get it.
"Thanks." She tried to smile but it fell again immediately. "I better go."
"You came in for twenty seven minutes of a ninety minute tutorial?" She nodded and went to turn again. "Alex, are you ever going to talk to me?"
"There's nothing to say, and even if there was, you need to get your priorities straight and talk to Derek first before you ruin the one thing in your life we both know you'd be lost without."
"I know, it's just….Wait, how do you know about Derek and me?"
"He turned up at my home at one in the morning after getting my address off some tech whiz friend of yours and demanded to know everything. Which by the way makes you the worst fucking hypocrite I have ever come across in my life Spencer Reid and considering my line of work you can imagine that is saying something."
Spencer gulped and stared at her. "He hates me."
"He's mad, yes. But that is to be expected, isn't it? You kept something this big from him. He's hurt."
"He won't forgive me."
"Spencer, can you take your self-centred head out of your ass for five seconds and realise this isn't about you. It is about him and your actions towards him. When you realise that, then maybe you'll actually be able to sort the two of you."
"What did he say to you?"
"That he'd be the man he thought you were, he wanted to help with your child. He sees this baby as a piece of you, pity you wouldn't do the same." She turned and walked off.
Spencer just stood staring at the spot the woman had occupied moments before. Derek wanted to be there for the baby. He thought about it, he and Derek never discussed children, it never occurred to him that perhaps Derek may have thought about it, when he had never considered it an option. He couldn't go back into the room, the whole place saw him chase after the girl he had been friends with for so long, the girl that was starting to show an ever so perfect bump in her lower abdomen. These people were not to his level of intelligence, or even to Alex's but they were not stupid either. They would deduce he was the father. He shuddered. Father, technically he was one, he just wouldn't acknowledge it. He knew Derek was right, he was acting just like his father. And it hurt more than any beating he had ever taken.
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM
Spencer sighed as the elevator doors opened at the level of the BAU. He walked out holding his satchel, feeling none too pleased with himself after his realisation that morning as to how selfish he had been. Alex was right, this had to be about Derek. He hated the woman's ability to often hit the nail on the head with certain things.
He walked into the bullpen and noticed that everything was the same as usual. JJ was rushing around trying to get the days paperwork sorted, while Prentiss sat at her desk sipping coffee trying to organise her workload. Spencer knew that were he to go into Rossi's or Hotch's offices the scene would be similar, but where was Derek?
He sat at his desk and acknowledged the two female agents and began his work. He could barely concentrate. Though he knew he would never be able to have the conversation he needed to have with Derek at work, he wanted to see the other man, to check if he was even open to the idea of talking.
After twenty minutes or so Hotch's office door opened and Derek stepped out followed by the Unit Chief. Spencer wondered what they could possibly have been talking about that length of time, and who knows how long he had been in there before Spencer's arrival. Derek looked into the bullpen and held eye contact with Spencer for a moment before heading to his own office. Spencer's stomach felt as though it was sinking out of his body and onto the floor.
"REID!" a harsh voice yelled. He looked up to see Hotch staring at him, "Reid, please don't make me have to call you a sixth time, come up here immediately."
Spencer rose from the chair and ignored the stares of the two female agents and headed up the steps to the office. Not even looking at Hotch as he stepped inside.
"Sit down." Spencer obeyed. "Reid, I have tried and tried to give you space to sort whatever is going on with you, but I can't let it go anymore, I'm afraid I have to suspend you until you go through a Psych Eval."
Spencer just stared at the older man, who was sitting across the desk from him and looked very aged as he spoke. "Hotch, I can't. I got my work back on track; you said there would be no ramifications if I sorted it." He pleaded.
"Spencer, I don't think you need me to tell you, you look like hell. It would look terrible on the bureau and the team to have you go on a case now looking like death. It would be irresponsible. You wouldn't pass a physical; you could not possibly think you are in any state to be at work, a gust of wind would blow you over. And now with Morgan going….."
"What? Derek's going? Going where?" Spencer could feel what little colour he had leaving his body.
"He is going to New York, there is a position there for two weeks and he was requested specifically. He accepted it there a minute ago. What concerns me is the lack of communication with you regarding it. I think you should get yourself back on track while he is away and who knows what will happen once he returns."
"You are going into the field two agents down. Hotch that is madness." Spencer sighed in relief internally that Derek's departure was a temporary one, they had been apart like that before, it was unpleasant, but doable. Now he was more concerned about his forced leave.
"You leave me no choice Reid. You can only look to yourself for this."
"Hotch please, how is me sitting at home by myself going to sort anything?"
"How has being at work? Whatever imploded between you and Morgan in the past forty-eight hours is clear today when he as good as flew out my door to prepare for his departure. The BAU has a reputation to uphold Spencer; you know that and the credibility and reputation of the unit cannot be put in jeopardy."
"But Derek is leaving, please Hotch, give me to the end of the week and I will prove my ability to work, please, I can't stay at home. PLEASE."
"Reid, maybe you should go see your mother for a few days; get out of Quantico, clear your head." Spencer just looked at him with large heartbroken eyes, and he sighed. "Friday, no later, do you hear me?"
"Crystal clear Hotch, I won't let you down."
"You better no Reid I am not accustomed to having my ass on the line for someone to throw it back in my face."
"I won't I swear."
"And for the love of God Reid, will you eat something? I am getting ill looking at you, you look like death."
"Sure thing Hotch." Spencer made for the door before the elder could change his mind.
He walked across the gangway and down the hall to Derek's office. He knocked on the door and waited. After a moment Derek opened it and stood to the side, as though knowing exactly who would be calling. "What is it?"
"You're leaving?"
"For a while, I thought it best all things considering."
"I wish you didn't have to go."
"And I wish I didn't have to take your place raising your child."
"No one asked you to."
"There should be no need to."
"Why are you obsessed about it? Why do you want to help her so much? It's my blood not yours."
"What are you waiting for me to say, that I want children, yes I want them. I want them so bad it hurts. I thought the day would come and we would adopt, or get a surrogate. But we are gifted one, one with your amazing DNA. One that will have traits of you in it. And a mother that wanted us both involved, who respected our relationship, and you cast it aside like dirty laundry. An innocent child."
"Derek, I was thinking about that today, how we never discussed it. I never knew how you felt."
"Well now you do."
"Alex spoke to me. She told me you went to see her."
"I did. And you know what I found out. That that girl is living in a slum, willing to go through hell for the baby and you have the nerve to stand there and not give a shit about it all."
"I do."
"Since when?"
"Since I realised it's what you want. I want to make you happy."
"This isn't just about me. You should want to be in your kid's life."
"I'm working on that."
"Really? How's that then Spencer? How can you possibly work on it? Either you do or you don't."
"It's a lot to take in Derek."
"You had the most of a month." The older replied bitterly. Spencer fell silent and looked at the floor. "I meant what I said to her. I will help her and the baby as you should. But it would mean more to your kid if you were there in the long run." Spencer looked at him sadly. "I am going away for two weeks. When I get back, you better have sorted yourself out, if not, it's over Spencer."
"So those are my choices, take on the kid and keep you, or lose everything?"
"No, I said sort yourself out, not the baby thing. Get healthy, start eating and sleeping."
"How can I with you gone?"
"You have to. No ifs, buts or maybe's. But I will say this, you just said lose everything. That tells me there may be hope for all of this yet. Now excuse me. I have to go pack. Look after Clooney while I'm gone won't you?"
"I always do."
"Bye Spencer."
"Will you call?"
"I don't know, it depends. Will the man I love be answering the phone, or this imposter?" And with that Derek left his office and headed out of the BAU, leaving Spencer pondering his future.