The Syntax of Things
from ee cumming's since feeling is first
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you…
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
A half hour later, the whole team had gathered in the medbay, where Shepard and Liara sat on opposite sides of the room. All eyes focused expectantly on Shepard.
She wished she had the energy to pace, she always thought better on her feet, but she settled for slowly standing. "I've called you all here because Earth needs help now and ….," she glanced over at Liara, "so do I." She paused. "I've just gotten off the comm. with Anderson and he tells me that the resistance is starting to crumble. The Reapers are there in force and concentrating on London. He's asked us to find out why and to rally the fleets to Earth." She paused again.
"Let's do this!" James said. Others grunted and murmured their willingness. Some remained silent, watching her.
"Our best chance of winning this war … for all of us," continued Shepard, "is finding the Catalyst and taking the completed Crucible to Earth. Thanks to Traynor," she nodded in the Specialist's direction, "we have a lead on where we can try to find Cerberus, Kai Leng, and the information about the Catalyst that we need. We're headed there now."
"Bring it on!" James exclaimed. Some in the room nodded.
"I want to… and plan to… lead the away team." She stopped, looking down, her fingers pressed together. Honesty was the best policy and had always been her way with her teams, but this was hard. "We're meeting here, in the medbay, because I am … not completely recovered, and I need your help to figure out how to make this mission work. We must succeed. Too much is at stake." With an effort she stayed still, and looked up. They were all staring at her.
"What do you mean, not completely recovered?" Tali asked.
Shepard cleared her throat. "Doctor Chakwas?"
The Doctor had leaned back against the lab table by the door, her arms crossed in front of her. "The Commander's body still requires some of her energy to heal. It needs to keep knitting her flesh together, absorb the blood in her abdominal cavity, and replenish lost blood. I believe she will not be able to move as fast or sustain her biotic abilities for as long in the field as she is used to. She will tire quickly and rolling for cover is more likely to make her collapse than get her to safety."
"I estimate her chances of success in her current state at…." EDI began.
"EDI, stop!" Kaidan interrupted. "You should know by now the effect that has on her." He turned back to Shepard. "Look Shepard, I understand why you want to lead this mission, but why don't you sit this one out? Let me, Garrus and James do it. It sounds like if you go, you'll just put yourself and the rest of the team at risk. We'd have a better chance without you, and you'd have the chance to finish healing."
"Hey, you aren't giving the Commander enough credit. She's tough. If she says she can do this, she can," James said.
"I trust you Kaidan, and Garrus, and James, I trust all of you, and would agree with you, but there are five things that need to be balanced here." Shepard ticked them off on one hand as she continued. "This mission must happen now and succeed in locating the Catalyst, those on this mission must be prepared to take on Kai Leng since he likely stands between us and the Catalyst, the fleet needs to know I'm here and still leading the fight, no losses are acceptable, and my … improving state has to somehow be taken into account. My sitting this one out may help accomplish some of these objectives, but only at the cost of others. We need a better solution."
"She has a point about the fleet." Garrus spoke from where he sat beside Liara on the medbay bed opposite Shepard. "I've been hearing chatter. People are concerned. If she leads from the ship, there will be a lot of questions, and … problems." Kaidan nodded his acknowledgment.
"The crew too," Samantha stood, arms crossed over her chest, next to EDI. "They're worried too."
"Are you worried, Traynor?" Shepard turned and met her eyes.
"No, ma'am," Samantha replied quickly, dropping her arms, then amended, hands clasped behind her in parade rest. "Well, maybe a little, ma'am." She stood more rigidly after the admission. "You're bleeding, ma'am?"
"Too many ma'ams, Traynor, and only a little blood. The Doctor says it will stop soon on its own." Shepard scanned the faces in front of her. "How about the rest of you?"
"Well, you did just ask for help," drawled Garrus. "To hear that coming from the woman who stood toe-to-toe with a Reaper to bring it down is a little scary, and … it interrupts my vacation plans. I was pretty sure you were planning on winning the war single-handedly after that." Scattered laughter eased some of the tension in the room.
Shepard smiled. "I didn't take on that Reaper alone, I asked for and had EDI's help, the help of everyone on this ship and the whole Quarian fleet. What I propose," she waited to make sure they were listening, "is that we deploy a large team for this mission, that we practice tactics for confronting phantoms, nemeses and Kai Leng in advance, and that I fight from the middle instead of the front."
Javik grunted. "That I would like to see, Commander."
"Won't the fleet and crew ask questions about why there's such a big away team?" Samantha asked.
"Maybe, but fewer than if I'm not leading it. I … we … could say we're training for larger deployments on Earth. It wouldn't be a bad idea," Shepard answered. "Tali." She turned to the quarian. "Is my armor repaired?"
"It is, but, you can't be thinking of wearing it on this mission, Shepard!" Tali said incredulously. "If Kai Leng is there, he has a sword, and he and any phantoms can slice through it. One almost killed you! Surely one of your other sets could provide better protection?"
"The advantage with this suit is that I know where they will target. The phantom on Ontarom aimed for my spine, and showed me that the section from the middle of my ribs to the top of my hips is vulnerable. With one of my other suits, they might try for my neck or one of my limbs. I can better defend myself knowing where the weakness is, knowing their target."
"If … you say so," Tali responded, not sounding convinced.
"I want to know what T'Soni thinks," Garrus said. "She's been awfully quiet."
"Liara has already expressed her opinion quite forcefully to the Commander," Chakwas said. "That's how Shepard ended up in the medbay today in the first place." She kept her face deadpan as the team members swiveled to stare at her and then at Liara.
Liara ducked her head and clenched her jaw before speaking. That hadn't been necessary; she'd learned her lesson. "I'm against the Commander going at all," Liara said. "She's vulnerable. And she's right. There's too much at stake. If anything happens to her, Earth will fall and the fleet will likely not manage to stay together. Even if the Catalyst is found, without the fleet to protect it, the Crucible would be lost." Liara shook her head. "One more away mission without her in charge should not be a tipping point."
"But it could be, especially given the importance of this mission. We don't know, but the last time the fleet saw her on a critical mission was Thessia." When Garrus spoke, Liara resisted an urge to punch his arm. What has gotten in to me?, she wondered as she shook her head. Garrus continued, "Look, Liara, I know you've given this a lot of thought, but the truth is Shepard has had a target painted on her since she took down Sovereign and Saren, with our help. The reason she is still standing here is because of you, and me, and Tali and the rest of her team. She relies on us to make the missions work, to keep her and each other alive, and we do. She needs a win, and we can make sure she gets it."
Liara thought about the Collector's attack, about …. Shepard dead, and her throat constricted. She thought about how Garrus and Tali had rejoined Shepard, fought beside her, traveled through the Omega-4 relay with her, while she stayed on Illium or orbited Hagalaz. She thought about Thessia, and about the look on Shepard's face when she grabbed her as she clung by three fingers over an abyss, and felt her throat tighten more. She looked at her hands resting on the medbay bed.
"Hear that, Commander?" James said. "We won't let you fall." He was not concerned. If she could survive all she already had, he had no doubt she would continue to.
"There is more to consider," EDI spoke. "Based on my calculations, the risk of injury is 35% greater than usual for any member of this mission, with two exceptions. Shepard's risk would be higher…."
"EDI…," Kaidan warned.
"I have not specified a number, Major," EDI responded, looking at Kaidan, then back at Shepard. "But Liara's risk would be highest of all. Shepard, given Liara's recent behavior patterns and stronger attachment to you, there's a 65% chance of her being critically injured if she accompanies you on this mission."
Shepard scowled as she absorbed the information. Liara, looking at Shepard, frowned. Tali and Garrus watched Liara. Kaidan and Samantha watched Shepard.
"Hey, you saying I'd be taking only half the risk Liara would because I don't care as much? I care too, just saying," James joked.
"Shut up, James," Garrus said.
"Wait…., is something going on between ….?"
"You really do want to shut up now." Tali agreed.
"Because I thought that was just…."
"I concur with the … synthetic," interrupted Javik.
"Oh…. Oh! Oh…. Wow." James' face ran through a gamut of expressions. Samantha blushed. "That's hot…"
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Kaidan considered sending a biotic throw at James.
"Human, stop," said Javik, looking at James. "The two are joined. It is obvious. You are the only one in the galaxy who does not know this."
"But why? Why didn't anyone…?"
"ENOUGH!" Shepard's shout shut them all up. James actually flinched at the expression on her face. He raised his hands in self-defense, half expecting a biotic charge, but all she did was run her hands up and down her face and let out a big breath of air.
When Shepard's expression shifted without her once having looked over, Liara tensed, knowing a decision had been made. "No! You are NOT leaving me behind," Liara blurted out as she leaned forward on the medbay bed, clenching her fists.
The room became very quiet. Everyone found somewhere to look that wasn't Shepard or Liara.
Shepard gave Liara a long look in silence, her expression inscrutable. "You're out of line, T'Soni."
Another long silence.
"Am I?" asked Liara with deadly calm.
Tali's small gasp was the only sound. Garrus' mandibles twitched. All eyes were now riveted on Liara and Shepard. Chakwas began to wish for a cup of tea.
Always the peacemaker, Kaidan cleared his throat. "Ah, Liara, challenging a commanding officer is…."
"Stay out of this, Alenko," Shepard growled. "She's my bondmate. She has a right."
A ripple of surprise went through the group.
"What does that mean?" James whispered to Kaidan.
"Shut up and find out, Vega," Garrus answered.
Shepard spoke. "I need to know now if that's going to be a problem. Will you take orders on missions, Liara?"
Another long silence.
"I do not want to be left behind." Liara's voice was tight.
"Noted." Shepard said curtly, then took a deep breath and looked around the room. "It's not ideal. I'm not happy about putting any of us at risk, but I don't see a better way, and I haven't heard one offered. With a bigger team, we improve our chances, and will have enough support to make sure we all get back in one piece. However, if any of you want to sit this one out, I won't think less of you. The away team will be selected from volunteers only. If you're up for it, head down to the cargo bay in 1 hr. We will train in some specific maneuvers for phantoms and nemeses and prepare for Kai Leng. Any questions?"
"Yes-are you joking?" asked Tali. "We're your team. You need us. We'll be there." Around the room, people nodded.
Shepard suddenly thought of Ash, "You tell me to kiss a Turian…." She blinked away the thought, wondering if it was a bad omen. She missed Ash. And … she was the reason Ash was missing.
"For Shepard and Liara, for Earth and home!" said Tali. The others added their voices in agreement.
"Thank you," Shepard said simply. Good grief, she wasn't going to start crying again, was she?! To forestall that possibility, she clapped once and said loudly. "Ok, people, we can do this! Dismissed." She turned on her heel and headed for the door. There was no way she was going to let her team or her crew see her cry.
"Commander, could I have a word?" Chakwas asked, reaching out and placing a hand on her arm as Shepard drew near her. Shepard grit her teeth, nodded and stepped aside to let the team pass, most touching her other arm and offering congratulations as they did.
"Hey, I didn't know ... ," James could be heard saying as he left.
"You still don't," Garrus could be heard replying.
"I'm not sure I do either," Kaidan could be heard admitting.
"Asari bondmates share a special … ," EDI could be heard explaining.
Tali had taken Liara's elbow and was talking to her as they passed the others, heading toward Liara's office.
Then the door had closed behind them all, and Shepard looked down to where Chakwas was still holding her arm. "What is it, Doctor?"
"Since you insist on going, I've a number of those purple vials for you to take with you, in case you, or anyone else is injured. They should keep you, or anyone else, from losing consciousness due to shock. I'll provide some other stimulants and analgesics too in case you hit a wall or deal with a less severe injury."
"Thank you, Doctor." Shepard knew there was more to it. Chakwas' hand remained on her arm.
"Shepard?"
"Karin, speak freely."
"I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the soldier with the sensitive soul I didn't believe existed. They really don't make them like you anymore."
"Karin…" Shepard felt her eyes burning. "Are you mocking me?"
"Not at all. I am quite sincere. You know I think of you as more than just my Commander, as a friend. We've been through a lot together. You can always talk to me, if you want to, as your doctor or a friend, whichever you need."
Shepard rubbed a hand over her eyes. "Thank you, Karin."
"Shepard," Chakwas squeezed her arm. "It's okay to cry. They're gone. I've seen you do far worse and not thought less of you. And these days it's better not done alone." She repeated, "It's okay."
Shepard, eyes bright, finally met her gaze. "Is it?"
"My dear woman, just because any of us would die for you or with you to save all organic life does not mean that we will. We've faced that risk many times and we're still here."
"You've seen the names on the wall outside the elevator?!" Shepard bobbed her head and gestured with her free arm in that direction.
"I don't have to. I was there. For all of that. I would have been one of them, if it wasn't for you."
"You wouldn't have even been at risk if …."
"If nothing, I chose this life, and to serve with you, and so, for that matter, did she. But, Shepard, you were one of them. I was with Liara as we watched the Normandy break apart, as we watched you die. I watched that Liara die that day too. And she still came back ... eventually. She still chose you. My unasked for advice, for what it's worth, is let her."
"I'm not as strong as she is." As Shepard said it, she knew it was true.
"I don't agree. I was with you while you waited to see if she would ever come back. I watched your heart break. You had been through horrific trauma, lost everything, were in the hands of humanity's worst terrorist organization, and what did you do? What you had to, what no one else could. You saved colonists, won the hearts of some of the galaxy's biggest criminals and of Cerberus' top agents, went through the Omega-4 relay to take on the Collectors at their base, and rescued and brought back alive every single crew member." She squeezed Shepard's arm again.
"I could only do that because she was alive, and maybe could find a way to be happy. I could keep doing what I had to as long as that was possible." The tears tore at her throat but she refused to break down. She looked Karin in the eyes again. "If anything happened to her…."
"You'll be there. It's what you both can do—be there—support each other. You and Liara are two of the strongest people I know. The situation is not fair, but all you can do is make the most of what you have." With that, and a final squeeze, she released Shepard's arm.
"I know." Shepard's hand absently went to where Karin's had just been.
"Now," Karin said as she stood away from the table. "Can I interest you in a cup of tea while I assemble the vials?"
Shepard felt the morning catching up with her and stretched and popped her shoulder, her old habit. "Actually, Doc, I'm going to grab some rack time. Send the vials to the armory. I'll pick them up there. And," she paused, "thanks Karin, for your friendship. It means a great deal to me."
As the door closed behind Shepard, Karin headed back to her desk.
Shepard sighed with relief as she entered the Loft. The cool dark quiet of the room was just what she needed. She removed her shoes before she got to the stairs, and then saw Liara sitting on the bed.
"Liara…."
"I'm not here to talk," Liara said. She rose and went to help Shepard take off her shirt.
"I don't think…" Shepard started, catching Liara's hands.
"I'm not here for that either. I … I just want to hold you, while we rest." Liara freed her hands and wrapped them around Shepard's hips, pulling her close. "If that's ok?"
Shepard's face relaxed, and she brushed Liara's cheek with her fingertips, tilting her head in for a gentle kiss. "I'd like that."
Liara returned the kiss, stepped back and removed her lab coat, hanging it in the armor locker. Shepard watched as she shrugged out of her light body armor, peeling it off. Liara turned back to her. "Are you going to sleep in your clothes?"
"Ah, no," Shepard reached for her shirt hem. At the touch of Liara's fingertips pulling the shirt off, Shepard's abdominal muscles contracted and she felt some pain, but it was overshadowed by a powerful surge of longing and excitement and a confused jumble of emotions. She closed her eyes and swallowed. "On second thought, maybe I should." Her voice had gotten huskier.
Liara leaned lightly against her, her fingertips slowly tracing muscles in Shepard's back. "Whatever you want."
"Mmmm," Shepard exhaled. "Every time. Does it happen to you?"
"Does what happen?" Liara murmured back. "Every time what?" She swayed a little more against Shepard, sharing body heat.
"I feel..., there's this wave of..., it's like…," Shepard tried, then swallowed. "Every time you touch me."
"Show me?"
Shepard leaned her head in, closed her eyes.
"Oh!," Liara's breath caught. "Yes … it's like …." Liara struggled to stay in control of the meld. She didn't know why that had become more difficult lately. "This … is what I feel…."
Shepard exhaled sharply and rocked against her.
Liara could feel their desire swelling and, noticing that her hands had dropped to Rachel's backside, slowly started to withdraw mentally. As Liara's impulses and thoughts washed over her, Rachel embraced her tighter. Liara closed her eyes, retreating further, faster before she could lose control.
"No, don't go," Rachel whispered against her crests. "Stay there, stay in me."
Liara's breath caught again, a torrent surging in her, Rachel pulling her in. "Rachel, I don't think I can keep from … joining with you … if I … stay inside…." Sweet waves broke over her, over them both, reflected between them. She groaned, her fingertips digging into Rachel's back, and whispered, "Shepard…."
Rachel walked Liara back toward the bed, and gently pushed her down. "Stay..." She brought her leg up between Liara's without making contact. "With…." She bent down, and Liara leaned back. Liara slowly crawled backward on the bed, as Rachel followed her, crawling above her. "Me." She hovered close enough for Liara to feel the soft exhalation of that word.
Liara put her hands on Rachel's waist as Rachel slowly lowered herself on top of her. Intense relief and need coursed between them as their skin made contact, as their bodies and minds settled into each other. "Always," Liara breathed in her ear.
Rachel kissed Liara softly on the neck as she ran her hands along Liara's crests, feeling Liara respond beneath her. Liara's mind swirled as her hands slid up and down Rachel's body. Oh Goddess. She inhaled deeply, taking in Rachel's scent. You feel so good. She kissed Rachel's collarbone. She remembered wanting to ask her mother about the intensity of everything she felt with Shepard, had always felt with Shepard, about whether other asari had this experience when melding and joining with humans, if others had experienced true Union. She had thought that only possible with their own kind. An idea occurred to her and she dismissed it. There was no way she'd ask her father.
Shepard shifted to her back, rolling Liara with her. "Thanks for thinking of your mother," she chuckled. "And your father. That helped cool things off."
Liara blushed, and wrapping her arms around Shepard, held her, sighing as she felt the sweet waves recede, replaced by an undertow of weariness. She could feel Shepard slowly let go, surrendering herself in total trust as she drifted to sleep. Liara stayed awake, holding Shepard as long as she could.
Down in the docking bay, James taped a picture to the punching bag. It had been of a scantily clothed man, leaning against a tree, head rolled back, pierced with an arrow in his side. James had crossed out the word Sebastian, written in Shepard, and drawn in a woman's N7 chestplate and lines to turn the arrow into a sword. St. Shepard, the picture now read.
"Are you sure that's wise?" Garrus drawled, arms crossed, after he surveyed it.
"Ah come'on, everybody needs to lighten up! This is just to get Lola to play hard," James replied.
"It's not Shepard you have to worry about," Garrus said turning to him.
"What, Liara? You think she can't take a joke? She can take on the Commander but not a joke?! Come on!"
"I've not seen her making a lot of jokes lately, not since Thessia or Ontarom, have you?"
"She's more of a serious lady, I think," Kaidan said as he approached and examined the picture too. "I've never known Liara to make many jokes."
"Hey, she might not be volunteering anyway. You heard what she said," James countered.
"You really don't have a clue, do you?" Garrus shook his head and turned away.
Joining them, Tali examined the picture. "Oh, Keelah!" She looked a little closer. "Why does it seem … sexual?" she asked, squinting. "Who was this person? Does he have some special meaning?"
Kaidan, who had turned away, looked back and squinted more closely at the image. Yeah, it was definitely suggestive, he thought.
EDI walked up, looked at the modified image and tilted her head. "I'll send the relevant files to your omni-tool, Tali. That is an interesting choice, Lieutenant Vega. Would Shepard get the reference?"
"Sure, she's a soldier. Sebastian is the patron saint of soldiers, probably because he survived being shot a bunch of times. My abuela gave me a pendant of him when I enlisted." In the background, Steve shook his head.
"Might I suggest this image as a more acceptable alternative?" EDI asked. Usurping the files Tali was reading, EDI projected an image through Tali's open omni-tool. This one showed Saint Sebastian reclining mostly nude on the floor while a woman tended him by candlelight, her hand on the arrow, the saint's head thrown back in ecstasy. While they watched, EDI slowly morphed the woman's face to Liara's and changed the woman's color to blue. They all laughed, except Samantha, who spit out her tea. Her face turned bright red as she coughed.
"I didn't see you arrive," Garrus said, clapping her on the back. "Are you alright? You've been doing a lot of that changing colors thing you humans do lately. What's the matter?" He gestured to the picture. "Not the way you see it?" he asked slyly.
"You know?!" Samantha blurted out. "I mean…" She closed her eyes. "I could just die right now."
"Oh please," Tali said. "Everyone knows you have a crush on Shepard. Big deal. Being attracted to her is practically a rite of initiation onto the team…. She's just so ... Shepard, she has that effect on people. She doesn't mean to; it's just something about her. And …, " Tali waved one hand dismissively, "You'll get over it." She leaned in. "But … you should have seen the last woman who handled her mail, Kelly, the Cerberus yeoman. She wanted to handle a lot more than Shepard's mail! She was a mind doctor and tried everything, mind tricks, flirting, spilling drinks on Shepard's shirt and lap to wipe off. I heard she even tried waiting for her naked in her cabin. She was a shameless little bosh'tet!"
"I'm not…. I know she's…. I'm in a relationship!" Samantha spluttered.
"Oh really?" Garrus purred, his head turning from Samantha to Tali. "I hardly know where to start with all these interesting revelations."
"Start by doing laps," Shepard called out from where she was leaning against the consoles by Steve, eating an apple. "Ten of them."
"You never told me about Kelly," Liara, beside her, whispered in her ear, her eyes narrowed.
" 'It's such an honor to work with her,' " Shepard whispered back, mimicking Nyxeris' inflections perfectly, then said more loudly, "You too, T'Soni."