Chapter 10 – A lovely stroll that ends with a dragon.
On their last day, Bec had an epiphany, and managed to convince Gandalf to talk to the whole company about how dangerous the treasury would be until he arrived to break the dragon's curse. In order to drive the point home, Bec then showed the company the very first Pirates of the Caribbean, the Curse of the Black Pearl. The first time the gold was mentioned she paused and went back, just to drive her point home.
"Smaug's curse won't turn you into undead skeleton's, it is worse. It will make your race's weakness towards good sickness much worse. You will not eat or sleep, or recognise family from enemy. This part I can tell you, in your story in my world, this happened. I am begging all of you, as my family now, to stay away from the treasury, please."
Bec looked so desperate that every single dwarrow solemnly swore to stay away from the treasury until Gandalf arrived. She was glad with their agreement, because if she had to, she would knock every last one out until Gandalf could get there. She figured that with the ring and it's influence sealed and the Arkenstone gone, it should keep the rest of the dwarrow being too affected, they didn't get the sickness all that badly, but she would have to keep an eye on Thorin, and prepare Dwalin and Dori to keep him away by force, as they were two of the least affected, as well as the strongest in the company.
With her plans finally settled, Bec turned her attention to enjoying Jack Sparrow, one of her favourite characters…and first movie crush to be honest. That got her thinking. Fili noticed her glazed stare, and poked her.
"What are you thinking about that gives you that look, dear one?"
Bec blushed. "Um, well, this movie came out when I was 13, a teenager, or in your case, the really, really awkward stage in between childhood and being an adult, you know when your body physically starts changing from child to adult?"
Fili nodded.
"Well, this character, Jack Sparrow, not the actor who plays him, was my first real crush, um attraction, to another person. And I was thinking, you guys are a story in my world. Does that mean that the other stories and movies are real worlds as well, that somehow bleed through enough to get told? Then I got sidetracked by thinking that Jack Sparrow was real, and then all of the other really good looking characters might be real, and then my brain kind of exploded in hormones."
Bec bit her lip, and looked up at a very frowns Fili.
"Don't worry, kundel, you are my One and only. Even in my head just now, you were the last image in my mind, and what will come after Smaug is defeated, and everything is finished. I can't wait for our lives together to begin."
She hugged him, nuzzling into his neck, and while no-one was paying attention, nipped him. He jumped, with a light flush, which she found adorable.
"We should probably talk about how much experience we each have as well, sometime before the mountain, preferably out of earshot of both of our families."
Fili smiled. "I love you as well, khalthûna. We do need this conversation, although, I have the feeling that you may know of a lot more than I do, even if you haven't personally experienced it. Know this though, once we are wed, I will make it my personal quest to replace every thought of the characters with ones of me, even if we have to act out every fantasy you have."
Bec gaped, mentally fanning herself. She really lucked out with Fili, funny, smart, handsome, accepting and, most importantly for Bec, loyal. She knew she would spend the rest of her days making sure that she never did anything to harm him. She hugged him as tight as she could, and kissed him chastely on the lips, dimly aware of Dwalin watching to make sure she wasn't taken advantage of. She was going to take time on the walk through Mirkwood to really get to know her new family. She had plenty of time to get to know Kili and Thorin properly afterwards, but she wanted to build a proper relationship with her new father and uncle before they 'lost' her to Fili. In light of this, she kissed the corner of Fili's mouth, and whispered her thoughts to him, before getting up, and cuddling in between Dwalin and Balin.
"Tell me a story of my family, Uncle Balin."
Balin looked at her, and smiled, launching into a quiet tale of Dwalin stealing cookies from their Amad, and hiding until he'd eaten the whole batch, and then panicking and running to Balin when he got his first tummy ache. Bec could easily imagine a baby Dwalin stealing cookies, and collapsed in fits of giggles, Dwalin helping by tickling her.
A yell from Kili brought her a brief reprieve, attacking Dwalin on behalf of his almost namad, until eventually the entire company had joined in. It took a long time to finish, surprisingly, it was Kili who called a stop, on account of an empty stomach. Bec hoped, in her heart of hearts, that this joy could be found again, after all that was coming had passed.
They were three days into the forest when Dwalin broached the subject of previous lovers. He explained that none of it impacted her courting, but as her father, he wanted to know, so he could support her in the best way possible.
"If you're talking about actual physical lovers, then only my ex-husband. Even though I've been separated from him for over two and a half years, The emotional and mental damage he did meant that I wasn't comfortable finding another lover; I didn't feel worthy of love. I was actually in therapy and taking medicine for depression, although I was very lucky, I never got anywhere near feeling suicidal. I had two other relationships when I was a teenager, in high school and then just at the start of university…um I suppose it would be like an apprenticeship here. Those relationships never got to the physical aspect of romance though."
Dwalin nodded. "I'll be wanting to know more about this depression and damage later on, but for the moment, continue. What do you know about the physical aspect? Have you ever been blessed with children?"
Bec laughed. "No, I've never had children. When I first met Troy, I was too young, and children cost a lot in terms of raising them and keeping them healthy and happy. Towards the end, I was thinking about it, because I wanted to have kids before I got too old, but I didn't want to subject innocent children to the ruin of my marriage. As for the physical aspect, sexual education is pretty big in my world. In Australia, it starts around 11 or 12 at school, because that's when most children start puberty, um, start to transition from child to adult. We are taught about male and female bodies, and how growing up changes them, about sex and sexually transmitted diseases, as well as pregnancy. Plus, there's a lot of romantic and erotic fiction, so along with a healthy imagination, I can think of just about every scenario you can between a man and woman, man and man or woman and woman, and probably more. I know this may shock you, Dad, but I wanted you to know. I would like to eventually start a school, and sex education would be part of it. Are you mad?"
Dwalin looked thoughtful. He was silent for a long time, but it didn't feel like a bad silence.
"I can't say that I'm not shocked, or that what you want to do will be easy, but I think it will be a good idea in the long run. From the shows we've seen, your world is in some ways even more violent and terrible than ours, but you have good parts, just as we do. I believe that bringing mass education to our kind will only help in the long run, especially the poorer families. Your uncle will more than likely help you with everything you need, because that is something that he has been interested in for some time. I am glad for your knowledge, it means that neither of us have to try and stumble through that talk, or try and get Oin to do it. Do you want to have children in the future?"
Bec looked ahead at Fili and blushed. "At some point, but I'd like to lave Fili to myself at first, especially since multiple births run in my family. My sister and I are the unusual ones, because we were both single births, and !um and Dad didn't want to have anymore kids. I'll probably mature a bit more quickly than you're used to though, so I'd expect to be ready in a couple of years max. I used to think that I'd only want four kids at most, but if I'm going to live for around 250 years, give or take a decade or so, I can imagine being alright with having more than that. So don't worry, you'll be a grandpa!"
Dwalin (and Balin, who had ridden up beside him) laughed in delight. "I have no doubt lass, and it will be a novelty that won't soon wear off, I thought I'd never have children, let alone grandchildren!"
Nori, who had overheard, wailed in despair.
"No! I can deal with having a grown daughter, but I'm definitely too young and attractive to have grandchildren!"
He turned to shout to the front of the line. "Fili, come and tell your One that she can't make me a grandparent for another 50 years!"
Fili choked, and nearly fell off the saddle. A grinning Thorin (which was at the same time disturbing and endearing to see) yelled back, "As long as the next heir isn't conceived outside Erebor, I don't care when they have children. I'll just laugh and send the little ones to Poppy Nori for everything!"
Bec, Dwalin and Balin all roared with laughter. Bilbo piped up in the silence while everyone was catching their breath.
"Does that mean that you don't want any children Thorin? I was planning on two or three."
Thorin had the most comical look upon his face. "Bilbo, my love. Unless hobbits are built very differently from dwarrow, you're a male. Males can't have children with other males."
Bilbo frowned. "Of course we can. Yavanna just gives us our baby through a special garden instead."
Bec choked. "Holy shit, Bilbo! Are you telling me that the fucking cabbage patch kid theory is true when it comes to hobbits?"
"Since it sounds similar, except for actually being a cabbage patch, yes. Yavanna loves us all, and wants us to be happy, so when two males or two female hobbits fall in love and marry, they can choose to have children through Yavanna's blessing." He turned to Thorin. " This means, if you want to, we can have children." Next Bilbo turned to a humming Gandalf. "They all seem very shocked, is this something that Yavanna granted only to hobbits?"
Gandalf sighed. "No Bilbo. All races used to know how to do this, but one by one, they stopped listening to Yavanna, and in return, she removed their knowledge of her blessing, and how to perform it. Her youngest children, Hobbits, were the only ones who still listened to her, besides the Ents, so they kept the knowledge. Unfortunately, for some reason, her blessing cannot work for the Ents, so hobbits remained the only race to continue to produce children in this way. Perhaps, you are meant to bring knowledge of Yavanna and her blessing back to the dwarrow?"
The shocked dwarrow started thinking. This would solve so much of their population problem, but they imagined that if they took advantage of Yavanna again, they would not only have her angry, but their own creator as well.
Luckily, the company reached the marshes without any troubles, and released the ponies. Actually crossing the marsh was uncomplicated, although tedious and very messy. Sending a prayer to Mahal and Yavanna for this run of luck to continue, they started their long trek down the river.
Once they got to within sight of Laketown (and by sight, Thorin meant a smudge that they could see on the horizon), they started travelling at night, and hiding through the day, so as not to rouse the suspicion of the elves, or men. Just before they left the shadow of the forest for the open plain toward Dale, Bec had Bilbo write a message for Thranduil, for Gandalf to deliver on his way back. Gandalf turned back for Dol Goldur, and wished them luck with Smaug.
They made it all the way to the ruins of Dale, and then Balin realised that they were a day early. They hunkered down in a crumbling building, ready to move closer at dawn to begin their search.
That night, Bec made them all watch the Curse of the Black Pearl again, reminding them of their promise. They kicked up a fuss when they realised that Bec was planning on entering the mountain with Bilbo, but calmed down when she said it was part of Mahal's plan, and she would be protected by him.
Balin, Dwalin, Dori, Bifur, Oin and Thorin all told stories of their time in Erebor, sad, happy, funny, tales of love and friendship, fondly reminiscing, and making plans for the future. Fili planned on making intricate circlets for the royal family for everyday wear, rather than the horrendously heavy ones Thorin remembered. Dori wanted to open a tea shop, and wanted Bec and Bilbo to help him with the food aspect. Bombur, Nori, Ori, Oin and Gloin were already spoken for by Thorin, as the Royal Chef, Spymaster, Head Scribe/Librarian, Chief Healer and Royal Treasurer respectively. Kili wanted to create an archer division,carter Bec had given him his circle scarf, he had come up with the idea of using a mask of some sort on the lower face to protect the archer's beards. Hopefully, this would encourage more dwarrow to show interest in archery as a weapon, as many were not willing to cut their beards in order to shoot properly. Balin was torn between being Thorin's chief advisor, or helping Bec with the school, as both would be a full time job in the beginning, while Dwalin would be the royal families head guard, and oversee the guards of Erebor. Bifur and Bofur simply wanted to open toy shop again, instead of having to mine to make ends meet. Bec promised that all of her future children would always buy from them. With all of the talk of the future, Bec felt even more determined to keep everyone safe…no matter the cost.
Once again, Bilbo was the one to find the door, but this time, Bec waited with him for the moonlight. While they were alone, Bec outlined her plan for Smaug, and what she needed him to do. Bec recorded Bilbo speaking on her phone, and gave him the blue tooth speakers, to set up in different places in the treasury. There were four, and they were pretty loud, so Bec hoped that the taunting that she directed Bilbo in would make Smaug angry enough to try and roast the 'person' saying them. He would grab the Arkenstone to give to her, on the off chance that Smaug died before she could chuck it down his throat too, she would put it in another box from Yavanna, and ask for it to be destroyed as one of her boons. She was hoping that the confusion the recordings would create would allow Bilbo to get it to her first. They both had one of Gloin and Bofur's bomb prototypes, they would be the last thing Smaug ever swallowed. Bec doubted that the Wyrm was armoured inside.
The door creaked open, and the company quietly cheered. Having said their goodbyes beforehand, just in case, Bilbo and Bec slipped inside.
Bec stayed on her high perch while Bilbo quietly snuck around, placing the speakers. Just as he placed the last one, he spied something that looked like it was glowing. He quietly picked it up, and tiptoed back to the stairs that Bec was on, and put the Arkenstone in its box. Bec then grabbed a handful of jewels, and one by one, threw them to different points around the room. Sure enough, the treasure started to shift.
"Well thief, I smell you. I hear your breath. I feel your air. Where are you?"
Since their goal was to get him as annoyed as possible, there was none of the flowery language that Bilbo used in the book or movie. Bec turned her phone to full volume, pressed play, and prayed to Yavanna and Mahal for protection.
"SMAUG THE MIGHTY? More like Smaug the stupid! Smaug the fat! Smaug the lazy slug! I am fire and death, and I have been waiting for you to wake, so I can kill you, and take your hoard for my own!"
Smaug looked enraged. "A spineless hiding drakeling dares to try and usurp me? Show yourself to me! I will turn you to ash where you stand!"
After some more taunting, Smaug's chest started glowing, and Bec put the part of her plan that she hadn't explained to Bilbo or the company into action.
She stepped forward, and screamed.
"I came to find my family! Instead I find a fat slug who isn't fit to be called a dragon anymore. I should pull your wings off, and you can truly be a worm!"
He opened his jaw, ready to start spewing fire. Bec prayed for good aim, and threw the first box, containing the ring. Smaug didn't notice, so she threw the second one in, and then threw herself out of the way. The radiant heat still blasted her, but thanks to Mahal and his idea of 'durability' it only looked like a bad sunburn.
"What have you done? Witch! Whore! I have killed my master! Where are you hiding, vermin?"
Bec popped out once more.
"Right here, you fucking dumbarse! Guess your fire isn't as hot as you thought it was! Are you having performance issues? I hear it happens to men all the time, why should a male dragon be any different? Oh shiiiiiiiiit!"
The last was screamed as she simultaneously threw her bomb and Bilbo's while diving out of the way. Bilbo had lit the fuses, before handing the. To her while she was 'conversing'. Bec scrambled behind a pillar, curling around Bilbo, while Smaug paused, surprised.
"Well, that can't be –"
Smaug couldn't say anything more, as he exploded. Quite literally. All over the treasure.
Bec poked her head out, and looked at a go smacked Bilbo.
"I'm pretty sure they'll stay out of here until Gandalf comes."
Bilbo just stared at her, and then collapsed into hysterical giggles.
"You do realise, I'm telling Dwalin and Fili all about this afterward? You're never going to be left alone again! Honestly, swearing at a dragon!"
Bec just winked at him. "If it can piss of Lindir, I knew it could piss off Smaug!"
Remembering Gandalf's gold dust, she pulled out a handful and blew it across the gold. Her and Bilbo climbed up into all the high spots, blowing the gold dust all over the treasure, until every inch was covered. Satisfied, Bec pulled out the replacement Arkenstone, and gave it to Bilbo. In this case, instead of a curse, it held a joint blessing from Mahal and Yavanna for the protection and health of all who resided in the mountain. This made their stone glow as well. All that remained was to give it to Thorin, and let the company in, who Bec had made hide close to the front gates.