Disclaimer: I do not own CCS, Clamp does :), but this fanfic is mine.

BIG NEWS: THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER, THE NEXT IS!!!

Yeah, I was surprise myself... It seems I had too much to talk about. Everything is like a puzzle and I had to finish it correctly, so I saw that I needed more than one chapter to explain eveything and end this storry correctly.... Storry that I have problem to finish ... Yeah, the last chapter is hard to end... I'm not of how everything will turn up... I have already the half done, but the other half is... definitly a pain in the neck (Moreover, my neck and head is already painful -_- ...)

Well, on with the story...

The way to be free

Chapter eleven: Gaining back what I lost

I don't know when, I don't know where, but the darkness finally erased itself. My head was spinning and my body was broken. I felt like puking. I barely was able to open my eyelids, but once they were, all I could see was a blur of dark colours. Was it day or night? Was the light coming from the setting sun or candles?

"Ying Fa? You are awake. How are you feeling?" The voice was gentle. I could swear I had heard it somewhere.

"Feimei? Where are... Xiao Lang and ... Mei Ling? What's happening?" I sensed tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so confused, lost... and my current state wasn't helping my sensation of lack of power.

"It's okay...hush. Calm down. Everything is alright. You needed to sleep... Mei Ling is there, by your side. Don't worry. This sensation of dizziness will vanish soon. You need to eat, even if only a little." I groaned, disapproving the idea, but Feimei still passed an arm over my shoulders and helped me to sit down. The horrid feeling was worst than when I was lying down.

"I can't see correctly..."

"It doesn't matter... It will get better. Now eat some rice." I began to refuse since my stomach wasn't approving at all, but Mei Ling threatened me to attach me to the bed and stuck some rice down my throat. Violence wasn't a good combination with my current state. Mei Ling helped me to eat since I couldn't see clearly while Feimei supported me. They never let me ask questions, but even if I could have done so, I wouldn't have been able to; my mind was a pure mess! So many thoughts were attacking my mind that I couldn't understand how I was still conscious. My head was such in pain!

When I couldn't eat anymore food, I begged Mei Ling to stop and she surprisingly did. My sight was a lot better than when I had woken up, but I was still dizzy and sick.

"Now drink this, Ying Fa, you'll feel better." Feimei's voice sounded like velvet.

"You could have begun with that..." Feimei slightly giggled. She brought the cup of a hot mixture to my lips and made me drink. It was only after a huge gulp, that I realised the smell seemed awfully familiar. I managed to noticed Mei Ling's uncomfortable look; her ruby eyes were holding disapproval and sadness in their deepness. My head started once again to get heavier and heavier.

Before I became completely paralysed, I managed to whisper: "Liars..."

Somehow, far far away, I overheard a bit of the two cousins' conversation...

"Xiao Lang acts like a coward! I don't like that." Mei Ling's voice was getting more and more faint.

"I'm sure he has his reason. He knows her better than we do..." Every sensation vanished from my body. I felt like a corpse...

I was alone, far from home and rejected by the man I had learned to love... Xiao Lang...

The second time I woke up, I wasn't feeling any better; if it could be possible, I was even feeling worse. This time though, I waited until my head stopped throbbing before opening my eyes. A soft light was coming from a candle and the ceiling was made in wood. From my position, I judged there was no one by my side, so I tried to sat down on the mattress I was on, but I quickly gave up because the nauseous feeling attacked me once again.

Waiting to feel better, I tried to gather my thoughts. Xiao Lang drugged me. Twice. He wants me to leave and, judging by the way he planned everything, he's not coming and he doesn't even want to tell me goodbye. He didn't even let me thank Mei Ling for all her support. At this moment, I wanted so much to hate him, but sadly, I couldn't. It would have been easier this way, but it seemed my heart was too stupid to forget him and preferred to suffer.

After a while, I noticed the room was moving. I felt like if I was into a cradle. Finally, I managed to sit down and take a good look of the room. It had four wooden walls, a door in the same fabric, two mattresses and a lantern hanging down from the ceiling. Unsteady, I succeeded to reach the door and to open it. Holding onto the small corridor's walls, I headed towards a staircase where a fresh salty breeze was coming from.

Once the sunlight enveloped my body, I finally realised what my mind had anticipated: I was on a boat. In fact, it was a huge ship with a grand mast. At its top were floating a white flag and the China's one.

A familiar feature caught my attention, and still not sure of my sight, I walked slowly to the prow. Sailors were whispering behind me, but I didn't mind; if they wanted to harm me, they would have already done so. Carefully, I climb the stairs leading me to the prow.

Holding the railing, I approached its limit. A young woman with rich garments and ebony hair was proudly standing there, looking at the sea.

"Mei Ling? Is... Is that you?" The maiden turned around.

"Ying Fa! You are awake! How are you feeling?" It really was her. I had not spent a lot of time with her, but I was truly happy that she was there with me. I was not alone. Tears began to form in the corner of my eyes.

"You are here... You are here..." I guess I looked in need of comfort because she enveloped me in her arms and let me cry on her shoulder. I knew she understood what I was going through: Xiao Lang, his father killed somehow by my actions, loneliness. At this moment, she was the person who could really understand me the most and do not judge me for my pathetic state.

I finally broke down her embrace. I looked into her eyes, the feared question burning my tongue, but I didn't need to put it into words; Mei Ling knew very well what I wanted to know.

"I'm sorry Ying Fa... He's not here. Xiao Lang needed to take care of some urgent matters in Hong Kong..." I released her hands I had unconsciously taken into mines and I leaned against the railing, focusing my mind on the clear sky.

"It's fine... Let's not talk about him anymore..." Mei Ling intensely eyed me, unsure of what to do I guessed.

"Please." She sighed, accepting my demand.

Then, she explained to me what happened. While I was drugged... sleeping, the royal family demanded to prepare a ship to send a messenger to Japan to offer peace. To show their good will, they thought about sending a member of the royalty: Mei Ling proposed herself explaining a young woman could more easily soften a monarch's anger and grievance since they were less afraid to show remorse and to ask forgiveness. Her request was accepted and I was brought onto the ship in secrecy: if I was known to be one of the murders of the late Emperor, it would awaken the greed of the Elders, sovereigns of various lands in China and advisors of the Emperor. It would have been too convenient for them to put all the blame on me, a Japanese, and ask for revenge and justice; they would be able to provide good reasons to acquire the lands of Japan and since they were providing soldiers and food supplies, their request would have been taken seriously by the royal family.

Conclusion: I had to escape and since I had a slight tendency to resist orders, I was put to sleep. Of course, I knew there was something else to it. I knew Xiao... my ex-general couldn't face me after what I did. He was too much of a coward to directly tell me he couldn't accept my feelings. What I couldn't understand was why this entire act then? I might be naive, but I could swear he tried to seduce me... Or maybe I just misread his actions... Maybe he just cared about me and was surprised that a woman would actually dare to enlist into army... Huh! I didn't want to think about it anymore.

During my trip back home, Mei Ling told me why she truly wanted to go to Japan: She wanted to start a new life. All those years, she waited and waited, but nothing came for her. She only gained painful memories. Now she wanted to rise and find her place. Staying in China would only remind her painful years of supporting the Elders and relatives' mockeries on her choice to hold onto her dream. Japan would be a fresh start and I would be there if she needed me.

Mei Ling was planning to coast at Niigata where I would certainly find the garrison of my brother. Under the ex-general's order, they had to stay on watch there since it was the nearer accessible port for China to attack. They would let me there to then continue on their journey and coast at Edo where the Emperor of Japan would be at this period of the year. Normally, he resides in Kyoto, the imperial city. She would then deliver her message of peace and if the response was positive, she would begin her life here. I made her promise to come and visit Tomoeda, my home.

I was confident the proposal would be accepted; China even proposed a reasonable compensation for the damages they caused. The deal stipulated that Japan would keep its nose in its business while China would do the same. It was fair I guess.

We finally arrived to Niigata when the sun was still high in the sky. The city had come back to life since the last attack, but the port was empty of citizen; soldiers only where "welcoming" us. Hoping my brother would be one of them, I took place at the prow wishing some soldiers would recognise Touya's little sister and therefore, be polite and civilized with the foreigners. Luckily, my brother was there. He made his way through the soldiers and advanced on the quay, waiting for a sailor to throw the rope to attach the ship to the quay. From, my position, I could see I was going to go through hell once I would be within arms' reach.

I looked at Mei Ling, begging for support. We had learned to know each other during the trip and she knew very well what was awaiting me down there. She gave me an encouraging smile.

Once the gangway was installed, I proceeded first to get off the ship. Mei Ling and the captain were the only ones to follow me. We bowed to my brother and an other Lieutenant to show our good will and they respond positively. Mei Ling was the one to break the awkward silence.

"Great respect, I am the cousin of new Emperor of China, son of the late Emperor and once the general of the Japan's army. We are here to deliver a message of peace to the Emperor of Japan. But first, we wanted to bring this young lady to her home. She has not been touched in any way. We will leave in a few moments if you please let us do so." Surprisingly, my brother responded calmly and respectfully... He probably wouldn't have if he knew Meiling-san had lied to him about the state of my back.

"May I inspect the emblem on the imperial scroll, madam?"

"Certainly." She handed it in to him. After a moment, he gave it back and bowed.

"Thank you for bringing my sister home. May the rest of your voyage continue without inconvenience. Sakura, come." I dared to look in his eyes, but immediately regretted it; he was fuming!

I knew I had to do what I was told to, but before obeying, I turned towards Mei Ling, slightly bowed to her and offered her my most bright smile. My throat felt tight and my voice was slightly quavering, but I knew I was showing Mei Ling how much her help and friendship had been appreciated.

"Thank you, Meiling-san. Do come visit me sometimes." She took my right hand, opened it and slid an object into it. Meiling immediately closed it.

"Of course I will. Be a good lady now. Take care." And they left on their ship. Touya approached me and put a hand on my shoulder. I didn't respond; I was too much intrigued by the object Meiling-san had given me. It was a pendant on a golden chain. It seemed it would have been possible to open the pendant, but I was lacking its key. Still, the design was sumptuous. The main image was the one of the crest of the rebellion against the late Emperor; a shining star, sun and moon embracing each others in harmony. Meiling-san had certainly wanted me to have a souvenir of my contribution for China's people's relief.

I heard my brother sight before petting my head.

"Come one, kaiju, Tomoyo-san is losing her mind." This time I followed him.

I barely noticed the rest of the soldiers returning to their tasks; some were helping the citizens to built back a barn, others were making the common activities were taking place without too many problems.

Touya leaded me through the agitated streets. Merchants were screaming how cheap and fresh were their products, but I didn't listen; I was afraid of the wrath I would have to face.

"Sakura-chan!!!" I raised my head, recognizing the voice. Tomoyo-chan was running out of a small inn and literally jumped on me, forbidding me to breathe.

"How did you dare?! How did you dare to this to me?! To Touya-san?! Do you know how worried we were? After a while, it wasn't hard to guess where you had gone to and knowing this, it was even worse than not knowing where you had disappeared to! Don't ever do that again, stupid girl!" Tomoyo-chan was crying and so was I.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I won't..." It wasn't a lie, I would never return in China. The only thing that I would never say is that I shouldn't have; I had lived hell, but I was still alive. It was karma and one day, I would see the meaning of this experience.

Eriol-san approached us, a peaceful smile playing on his lips.

"We are so relieved you came back to us safely. Shouldn't we get inside to discuss the matter furthermore?" Eriol-san was right; we were attracting a lot of attention. I freed myself from Tomoyo-chan's embrace and took her hand in mine, pulling her into the inn where we took place into a cozy and private lounge with my brother and Eriol-san who ordered tea.

Tomoyo sat down by my side while Touya was facing me, a stern look pasted on his face. He was still boiling, but he knew it wasn't the moment to break loose.

"Now explain yourself." I did. I told the whole story except for the cursed kiss, of course. I didn't mind to tell my brother and my friend about the rapist since I had not been taken, but I realised I shouldn't have because it was too much for my Touya to bear: He was furious!

"What were you thinking!!! Do you realise now how much you endangered yourself?!" I wished so much to become invisible to escape from the pain his eyes were showing me; he was hurt that I hadn't thought about him, mother and father before leaving. It's true; I had only thought of myself... my need of revenge... my will to stay by his side... Therefore, I didn't look away; I listened and accepted his remonstrance.

"I'm sorry, I truly am. I will not make you worry over myself ever again. I promise." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"You can't promise me that. Not now anyway..." I didn't understand, but he didn't allow me time to think.

"For the next few days, you will stay here with Tomoyo-san and Hiiragizawa-san. Then you will go back home with them. I must go back to camp and take care of our next actions as the Japan's army. Until the Emperor gives us the order to stop our patrol, we won't stop. For now, rest. I want to talk to you tomorrow morning, so be in shape." He stood up, hesitated for a moment and then kneeled before me and hugged me. He then smiled down at me.

"I'm glad you're home." And he left me with Tomoyo-chan and Eriol-san.

My best friend happily took my hands in hers and I smiled to her. I don't know what she saw, but she immediately showed worry.

"Something is bothering you. What happened?" I never understood how she could so easily pierced through my mask. I looked at the ceiling, trying to pronounce those words I wished I would never say again.

"I fell in love, but I was deceived." I felt uneasy.

"Did general Li do something to you?" Of course she knew before me he was the one I would fall in love with.

"No, I somehow confessed, but he didn't return the feeling. Could we stop talking about that? I'd like to forget him. Please." She nodded, but threw a glance at her husband. He reassured her with a smile.

We talked a bit more about what had occurred here in Japan while eating dinner. The sun was slowly setting when Tomoyo-chan came with a nice idea.

"Sakura-chan, would you like to pay your respect to Tobias-san? His comrades built a small funeral shrine on a cliff overhanging the sea. They thought this way; he would find his way home." I accepted the offer, but demanded for a stake and a hammer.

The sky was pink and orange over the sea when we arrived at Tobias's resting place. His funeral monument was a small wooden shrine no bigger than a shiba-inu's kennel. In front of it was a high and thin marble gravestone where we could read: "Schäfer Tobias, born foreigner, dead as a brother. May you find joy in your next life." I stayed still for a moment, focused on those lines and feeling guilty that I had not thought about him since I made my first attempt to kill the Emperor.

Afterwards, I kneeled before the blank side of the gravestone and took the stake and hammer in hands. Fifteen minutes later, I was done: I had written a little something for him.

"Nie vergesse ich dir." I will never forget you. I prayed in silent, Tomoyo-chan and Eriol-san by side. When violet, pink and blue began to dance in the sky, we walked back to the inn. For the first time since I had murdered the China's Emperor, I felt at peace.

The next morning, when I woke up, I was not alone in my room: Touya was scrutinising me.

"Good morning, Touya. Time for the little talk?" He sighed, walked to the window and opened it to let the sunrays in. I gladly welcomed their warmth.

"I won't talk about your stay in China anymore. You'll have your share of despair at home with mother and father. What I want to know is if you're going to regain what you lost." I frowned, not sure of what he meant.

"I'm still suitable for marriage if it is what you mean..."

"Of course not! You were made prisoner, attacked, someone died before you and... this bastard stole your heart!" I lost my breath for a moment.

"Did. Did Tomoyo-chan...?" He denied.

"I knew it would end up like this the moment I saw him and I despise him for doing this to you. If you never gain back you bright smile again, Emperor of China or not, he'll pay for it!" Hearing those words, something began to form in my throat. It grew louder and louder and I exploded in laughs. I had not lost everything: my friends and family were there. I had lived without love for so much time, I could still do it for a bit longing. I got up on my feet, hugged my brother and kissed his cheek.

"I'll be fine Touya! My life is not over! I'm here and I had so many adventures! Don't you worry for me! As long as I have everyone I love by my side, everything will be alright!"

Touya hugged me back. Twice in two days! It was a record!

Few days later, I was heading back home after giving my farewells to Kira's friends...

I repeat: NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!!!

There might be some errors 'cause I checked it but not with all my faculties; I'm really tired, but I really wanted to publish today.

My dog is driving me crazy!!! He won't stop barking until he can sleep on my bed, I repeat: ON my bed, not in. Moreover, I won't present him as the most clean dog ever too... I hope he'll learn soon how to stay clean... and not step on his pee...

Anyway, I'll be working a lot for the coming days, so I don't know how it will turn up, but each time I say that, it turns up I have all the time in the world, lol.

Well, we'll see. Have a nice day while I'll be cleaning my home and then working.

Tchüss!!

Lune-diamant