I Wish I Knew
Authors Note: Any apologies I have fail in this instance, but I truly am sorry this has taken so long to update. The truth is I had two avenues I thought merited exploration after the events of the last chapter and it took me this long to a) find the motivation to write it b) settle on one storyline and c) stop procrastinating and get it done. If anyone has been waiting for the next installment I profusely apologize there is nothing I dread more than getting really into a fic and finding out the author abandoned it. But that won't happen here, I promise. It may take me a while, but I'm not leaving this fic unfinished. Anyway, for those who have stuck with this insanity, thank you and I hope you enjoy and if any newcomers have arrived, thanks for joining the party!
The first thing Dean became aware of as his mind drifted toward consciousness was an all-consuming pain. He felt it in every possible pore of his body, in every crevice he remembered having and in some he hadn't even known existed.
The next thing he became aware of was noise and the feeling of warm skin brushing achingly against his. Both came to him only in jumbled bits and pieces.
The feel of a soft, warm hand cradling his own , the sound of a whispered prayer, the shuffling of feet and shifting of weight somewhere to his right, a small exhalation of breath almost like a choked sob emanating from somewhere close by.
But they were only random occurrences. He couldn't make his brain work to put them together into a cohesive sequence of events. Couldn't figure out how to make his brain process the pain and puzzle it together with everything else in order to make one big picture.
He wasn't even positive what picture he was supposed to be making or if a picture existed at all.
He tried opening his eyes, but his eyelids were heavy, the effort it took to try and open them too much and any hint of light seemed to cause more pain than the appeal of opening his eyes presented. Then a quiet, soothing voice to his right asked him to please open his eyes and he felt a sense of trust so deep he was almost astonished by it. He wanted to obey this voice's command, but when he tried the light crept in and every muscle in his body tensed and begged him to stop until he acquiesced and drifted back to sleep.
The next time Dean became aware of his surroundings a deep, husky voice was whispering something from close to his left. He could only make out the words need him and please spoken in a hushed, but challenging tone before he felt his body trying to respond. His fingers twitched against warm skin and with as much strength and courage as he could manage he opened his eyes halfway. From where he was he could just make out the outline of dark hair and puffy red eyes. His heart ached for the sadness he saw in this man and a part of him wanted to reach up to this person and apologize, to wipe away their tears and tell them everything was going to be okay. But it had taken every ounce of strength he had just to open his eyes. And a part of him was aware that he didn't actually know if everything was going to be okay. In fact, he was pretty sure the pain in his body and the tears of the man looking down at him when he'd opened his eyes were giant neon signs that everything was not going to be okay. Even if he could talk, though, he didn't think it would be a good idea to say that so he made no effort to form those words.
The guy had cried out when he saw Dean's opened eyes and breathed out the word, "Dean," like a prayer. Once his eyes were closed again the guy made a gargled sort of choking sound, he wanted to ask him what was going on, where he was and why he was here, but the words wouldn't come so he swallowed them down and drifted off again.
When Dean woke up the third time it wasn't as difficult to open his eyes and the pain of something stabbing in his throat had lessened and been replaced by an uncomfortable feeling of something sticking in his nose. It wasn't entirely comfortable, but of the two he much preferred this option so he kept his mouth, metaphorically and literally shut.
He opened his eyes slowly, wary of the intense pain of before and was surprised to find that though his eyes felt slightly heavy it was bearable. He took in his surroundings in pieces. He was in a white washed room with hints of blue and pink throughout, it was dark outside and the light on the ceiling was neither bright nor obnoxious. The same dark haired man from before was asleep on a blue chair to his right, but this time there was also two more sleeping men in the room. One was sort of tiny, with light brown hair that hung very slightly below his ears. The other was a giant with long, dark brown shaggy hair.
Once again he longed to ask someone what was going on. Why he was in the hospital and what the hell had happened that brought him here, but this time his eyes were the only ones open.
He noticed the dark haired man to his left had his hand on top of his. If he could just move his fingers or squeeze his hand he might notice something and stir. Dean concentrated every ounce of his body strength toward his left hand and was able to curve his fingers around the other mans and squeeze.
The reaction was instantaneous. No sooner had he squeezed than did the man wearily lift his head and looked in his direction. For a few moments the man seemed to be trying to understand if this was actually happening or just a byproduct of his dream induced state. Or at least that's what he thought the guy was trying to figure out by the small tilt of his head and questioning look in his eyes. Whatever decision he was attempting to make he seemed to arrive at because suddenly a wide, real smile broke out across his face so large that he couldn't help but wonder if it hurt the man to smile like that.
"Sam! Gabriel!" the man yelled voice cracking slightly, whether from lack of sleep or emotion he couldn't tell, but soon he was distracted by the two other men in the room stirring awake and rushing to his side. He wanted to look away at the relief and happiness in their eyes because it made him feel uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what was going on or why he was here, but he felt bad to just demand answers when these people seemed so happy to see him, but he was scared and his brain wasn't putting two and two together in a way that made sense to him.
"Get Doctor Balthazar, please, tell him Dean's awake," he heard the small brown haired one say to the sasquatch and the giant rushed out of the room so fast he almost got a headache just watching it. And there was that name again. Dean. Since he was the only one laying in the bed and they kept saying it in his general direction he assumed they must be talking about him, but the name was completely unfamiliar and strange on his tongue. Not that he was saying anything out loud, but he thought it sounded off in his brain somehow. He didn't feel like Dean. Whoever the hell that was.
"Wooo, D-d-d," he tried to say, but the words stuck in his throat, dry and hard and he started to cough.
The dark haired man looked like he was about to speak, but the short man beat him to it, "Don't try to talk just yet. Dr. Balthazar will be here soon and then we'll get you some water and you can tell us whatever it is, okay?"
He was speaking gently and quietly, leaning into his space a little and holding his hand gently in his own. Something about it made him want to jerk away. It wasn't because the guy was unattractive or anything, hell he didn't even know if he found guys attractive at all, really. It wasn't on the forefront of his mind at the moment. He was getting a little antsy because he didn't know this guy and suddenly he was leaning up in his personal space and grabbing his hand and it was all too much too soon. Something in his thoughts must have shown on his face because suddenly the dark haired man was leaning across the bed and separating Gabriel's grasp from Dean while whispering to the short man, "Gabriel, I think Dean is getting overwhelmed. Perhaps you should go with Sam and talk to Dr. Balthazar. You know how irrational he gets when he is antsy."
The short man, Gabriel his mind supplied, sighed and shot Dean one more look before disappearing out of the door with something a muttered phrase.
Dean wanted to thank the dark haired man, but he wasn't sure his voice was going to work any better this time so he just tried to convey his thanks with a meaningful blink. The man, however, was simply staring at him again, a questioning almost heart wrenchingly sad look in his eyes and a slight tilt to his head. He had the sudden thought that this man was beautiful so maybe he was attracted to guys after all, before the man sat down softly on the bed next to him and spoke.
"Don't try and talk right now, but I think I need to ask you a question. Can you either shake or nod your head to a yes or no question?"
He assumed this was the first question, so with some effort he moved his head slightly up and down.
The man just smiled softly and said, "Good. Dean, do you…" he paused to rake a hand through his hair and look out the window, "God, do you know that you're Dean."
For a moment the look of raw hope made him want to nod yes. To pretend that he knew who the man sitting in front of him was, but this Dean person was foreign to him and the man sitting in front of him could be his brother, lover, or an assassin hired to kill him for all he knew. He saw the hope slowly leave the man's eyes and be replaced by a desperate sort of sadness as he shook his head back and forth gently and slow.
The man cleared his throat and he (Dean, his mind tried to impress on him) could see the tears pooling in this stranger's eyes. "Do you recognize any of us? Sam? Gabriel?" a brief pause for breath, "me?"
Once again Dean was tempted to lie, but he just slowly lowered his eyes and shook his head once more. He wanted to ask the man what his name was, wanted to be able to fit it to his face and learn him once again. There was something oddly comforting about his presence. For someone who was a stranger to him he felt oddly at home with him sitting there. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, but he felt like this man might be worth getting to know.
Dean wanted to ask this guy his name, but since he'd been told not to talk and honestly wasn't all that tempted to at the moment he tried to settle for aborted movements that didn't really constitute sign language. He lifted his right arm with some effort and managed to reach the man's chest before sticking his finger into it and trying to convey his question in his eyes.
The confusion on the other man's face, however, was palpable, "I don't understand what you are trying to ask."
Dean would have laughed if he didn't think it would hurt way too damn much. He knew they didn't want him talking , but this seemed like an important question to ask so he tried, "Nmmm," is all he managed to get out, but he punctuated it with a sharp jab, which due to his lack of strength was more akin to a soft caress, into the man's chest.
Realization seemed to dawn on the man before him, "You want to know my name?"
Dean breathed out once and nodded, letting his tired hand fall to the man's lap. He looked saddened by the request, but smiled softly and said, "Castiel Novak."
Dean smiled at the name, goofily and he thinks a little drool might be cooling on the edge of his lips from lack of use and even though this Castiel guy looks sort of sad at having to introduce himself to someone he already knows, Dean is grateful that he's being gentle about it because the more awake he gets the more freaked out he's starting to get about all of this. And the more he's beginning to realize he doesn't understand.
He doesn't know who he is, it's really hard to speak and move parts of his body and, did he mention that he doesn't fucking know who the hell he is? Because that's a pretty big one. He grips his hand where it is bunched up on Castiel's lap and feels his fingers twist in the fabric on his thigh. Castiel looks down and then back up at Dean. He doesn't know what his face looks like right now, but whatever it is causes some trace of fear to flicker through Castiel's features before he traps them under a level of calm and speaks, "Dean, would you like me to help Sam and Gabriel find the doctor?"
Dean feels like shaking his head would make him throw up right now, so he merely tightens his grip on Castiel and prays that he understands what that means.
"Okay. Calm down, I'll stay right here with you."
Dean sighed a little in relief. He wasn't sure why, but Castiel was the only person he trusted. The tall guy, uh Sam, seemed nice. Eager and big like an oversized puppy, but nice and Gabriel seemed comfortable around him and gentle. But they were too much right now. They looked at him like they expected something, like they wanted something he couldn't figure out how to give and that scared him. Castiel looked at him like he understood, like he was really sad about something, but mostly like he wanted only what Dean wanted. He was comforted by that.
But not comforted enough not to be completely terrified by the whole situation. And suddenly it seemed like breathing was getting a little bit more difficult by the second and he tried to take some deep breaths and relax, but his mind was racing and the room was spinning and it was just so hard to remember how to make his lungs work.
Castiel's deep timbre broke through the haze, "Dean, please you need to calm down, okay? If you don't they'll probably have to put you back on the ventilator and nobody wants that. So please just deep breath in and deep breath out. Slow and steady, like the rhythm of my hand on your chest, okay?"
And Dean could feel Castiel's hand slowly and softly moving back and forth against his chest through the fabric of the nightgown. At first it wasn't working, but as he focused on the gentle whispers of a deep voice and the steady rhythm against his chest he was able to calm down enough to breathe normally again. He didn't realize he had closed his eyes until he opened them and found the piercing blue gaze of Castiel's eyes much closer to his own than he had been expecting.
He was getting ready to try and figure out how to make words come out when the moment was broken by three people stumbling back into the room, the two men from before and a blonde that he didn't recognize. The thought of recognition brought a somewhat strangled laugh to his lips that sounded more like a whine than he was entirely comfortable with when it hit the air of the room around him.
Castiel slid out from next to him on the bed and whispered something to the doctor, probably that Dean was clueless as to who any of them were if the face he made was any indication, before returning to Dean's side. Sam and Gabriel stood a little behind the doctor as he came to rest on Dean's other side.
"Hi, Dean, my name is Balthazar and I'm your doctor. You aren't a child so I'm not going to treat you like one, but I do need you to tell me a few things. If I get you some water do you think you can try to answer my questions by talking?"
Dean nodded his head slowly when it seemed like the doctor was about to keep talking. He sort of wanted to roll his eyes and tell him that the tone he was using was a bit patronizing, regardless of what he was saying but the guy was only trying to help and maybe it was only his accent that was patronizing. His throat was too damn dry and he thought if he could get some water he could actually articulate what he was trying to say and fuck, but wouldn't that be nice.
Balthazar nodded to Castiel then, who poured some water into a cup and put a straw in it before lifting it to Dean's mouth so that he could drink. It was a bit harder than he anticipated working the muscles of his throat, but once the water hit them it felt so nice he found he didn't want to stop drinking it. Once Castiel had decided that he had enough he drew the cup slowly from Dean's lips. Dean nodded and swallowed some more trying to give the muscles a bit of a workout before attempting to form words again.
"Okay," Dean managed. It was a bit shaky and barely above a whisper but it was a word and Dean felt his chest sigh in relief that he had managed to spit it out.
"Great. Take a few more sips of water and we can begin."
Once Dean had gulped up a few more sips and Castiel had laid the cup down to his left Balthazar slowly sunk down onto the bed next to him to his right. Dean felt a small twinge of panic rise up with how close he was but he pushed it down and managed to only flinch a little as the doctor settled down.
After a few moments Dean was still tense and hoping to somehow avoid having to state as such, but unfortunately Castiel seemed to be hyper aware and said, "Doctor Balthazar I think that Dean is uncomfortable with how close you are sitting to him. He seems to be adverse to touch since he has woken up."
The last bit was spoken more quietly and with a look at Dean that almost seemed to be asking permission, but what for Dean couldn't possibly figure out.
The doctor just looked up at Castiel then and smiled but was met only with stern, steely sort of determination that made Dean want to laugh. He turned back to Dean then expression serious and considering, "Why does close contact make you uncomfortable, Dean?"
Dean wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the question. How the hell was he supposed to know, he didn't even fucking know his name was Dean until about half an hour ago. Something of his thoughts must have shown in his expression because the doctor smiled and said, "Let's start with something easier then. Can you tell me where you are?"
Dean suppressed the urge to roll his eyes just barely and said, "The hospital."
Balthazar continued, "And do you know why you are here."
Dean's voice was scratchy and weak, barely above a whisper as he answered, "Well my body feels like it's been eaten by a wolf and shit off a cliff, but that seems sort of an unlikely scenario."
The three men in the room all chuckled briefly and Dean felt both embarrassed that they were all listening so closely to him and slightly invigorated that he had done something funny. It felt strange, he thought, this need to prove himself to people he didn't even know.
Doctor Balthazar even chuckled before continuing, "You're right that scenario is rather unlikely. You were in a car accident, Dean." Which Dean thought made sense, he felt like something had run over him, he just didn't know it was quite in the literal sense.
"Look, I'm going to ask you a few questions just to gauge what you know and what you don't know, alright?"
"Yeah," Dean managed feeling his throat getting dry again before suddenly there was a straw pressing against his lips.
"Well you know that you are Dean, but can you tell me your full name?"
Dean shook his head and heard a sharp intake of breath from the small man…from Gabriel. He needed to remember that name. He wasn't sure why but if felt important.
"How about your eye color…umm your car, or your favorite music?"
Dean racked through his brains trying to figure out any of those things, but drew a blank each time. He sighed defeated before shaking his head slowly.
"Do you know any music?"
"There was some kid I remember hearing called Beaver or Bieber or something. I can't remember if I liked that or not though."
"What about the president? Can you tell me who the president is?"
Dean considered briefly and then he thought he remembered someone, "It's that tall guy right? The one who makes all those jokes. Barik or something."
Doctor Balthazar smiled briefly then, "Very good, Dean. Yes, I think he prefers it to be pronounced with an a instead of an I, but that's very good."
Dean sighed, "Yeah, great. I can remember the name of the president but not of the people in this room," he paused briefly to cough and pushed the water aside when Castiel tried to hand it to him again, "I mean, really, how fucking awesome is that? I know more about a stranger than I know about myself."
"Dean, I know this is difficult."
"No offense, Doc, but don't patronize me you have no fucking clue."
Dean could see Castiel move to say something but before he could Balthazar held a hand up to silence him, "You're right. I have no idea how difficult it must be to wake up and not know who I am. I can only imagine that it is incredibly frightening. But the fact that you know the president and Justin Bieber are both good signs..well it could be a frightening indictment on your music taste, but that's beside the point at the moment. I fully believe that both you and your brain will make a full recovery if given proper time and care."
Dean looked up at the ceiling then and briefly closed his eyes, he thought maybe if he could just get some rest when he woke up everything would be fine.
He took a deep breath and tried to make his voice sound steady as he muttered, "How much time?"
"I don't know, Dean. It's different for every person. If I'm being honest with you it is nothing short of a miracle that you are even laying there right now talking to me at all. Most people who have suffered the type of damage you suffered never wake up at all, let alone are coherent enough when they do to ask questions. I guess there is some sort of angel watching over you. It's the only way I can explain it."
Dean sighed, "I don't remember if I believe in angels or not."
Sam spoke up then, "You want to."
Dean looked from him to Gabriel, whose lack of height wasn't done any justice by having to stand next to the Sasquatch next to him. And suddenly the sight of it made Dean laugh. He regretted it almost immediately when he felt like something was stabbing every internal organ on the left side of his body; he closed his eyes against the pain and yelped. Even to his own ears it sounded shrill and high pitched.
The next thing he registered were slightly roughened hands gently pushing his own aside and the doctor asking, "Dean, can you hear me? Tell me what's wrong."
Dean tried to gain his breath but could only manage to say, "side," he hoped that would convey everything it needed to because the pain it caused to say that one word made it unlikely he would try again at the present time. He heard rustling around the room and then some alarm going off before everything went black.
I apologize for any errors you find while reading this. As always I have no beta and am quickly uploading this before Buddhism class so I don't have a lot of time to proof-read it. I also figured I had made you wait long enough so I am biting the bullet and clicking publish. I hope you enjoy and it was at least partially worth the incredibly long wait. And please don't fret, Debriel endgame is still happening.