Can't Beat Em, Join Em
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I do not own Life with Derek or anything else I may reference herein. No profit is being made nor is any infringement intended.
Chapter Eleven
Part Twenty-Five: Derek
I went to the kitchen for my usual before-dinner snack and Nora and Casey were in there, tea mugs in hand. The mugs were a tip off. They were having a heart-to-heart. I wanted no part of it, but I heard:
"He shook my hand, Mom," Casey said.
"Shook your hand?" Nora asked.
"Like it was a pleasure doing business with me," Casey said. "The way Edwin does when he thinks he's putting something over on you. This is how Max Mihalik ends a relationship."
That was when I laughed. They both looked up shocked, but really, that was the best thing I'd heard all day. Not only did Max cut Casey loose, but he did it in such a Max way. He shook her damn hand. She should be dancing in the street, having dodged the most boring bullet that ever walked the earth.
"Sorry," I said, waggling a packet of crackers.
"Dinner's gonna be ready soon," Nora said.
"Uh-huh," I said, reaching into the fridge for a water bottle. "Smells good."
Nora shook her head. I didn't even see her do it, but this is Nora, so she shook her head.
Casey went on like I wasn't there. "I feel horrible, though, the way I broke up with him," she said. "I told him that he needed to find some passion for something, but I made it sound like he was some kind of robot."
And suddenly I was stuck to the spot. She broke up with him!
"He asked me if I got that from Oprah," Casey said. "And that was the end of it. I said 'uncle', and that's when he shook my hand."
"Dude's a Borg," I said. They turned to me. "I said that out loud, didn't I?"
"No one would ever accuse you of having tact," Casey said.
"But you love me," I said. Nora choked on a cookie. So I must've said that out loud too.
"Of course, we love you, sweetie," Nora said after she'd taken a sip of her tea. Sweetie? I thought.
Then, she got up and held me down while she planted a big, lipsticky kiss on my cheek. The woman is way stronger than she looks. This was supposed to make Casey laugh, but she was still sitting there like someone was drowning kittens in front of her. Her eyes were getting big, round and wet. I hated when stuff like this happened.
"I'm just a terrible person,"she said. "I hurt everybody who comes into contact with me."
"Only when you knock into them on the way down the stairs," I said, thinking fast.
"De-rek!" Casey yelped. Nora laughed from her spot in front of the stove. "Mom!"
"Sorry, honey," Nora said. Nora caught my eye and smiled.
"This is serious!" Casey said, but she was trying hard not to smile.
"Cory Plunkett thought so, too," I said. "It really bruised his ass, so I'm told."
Casey laughed a little at that. "Shut up!" she said.
"Though only he would complain about a girl landing on him," I said. "Even I would have had manners enough to say thank you. I wonder about that boy."
Nora hit me with a potholder, still smiling.
"Hey!" I said. "I was just saying! I think that mid-staircase collisions merit a handshake. It'd be a wonderful way to meet new people."
Casey threw a cookie at me and I caught it.
"Thanks, Sis," I said, taking a bite.
Part Twenty-Six: Lizzie
Derek dominated the dinner conversation again. This was our signal that things were completely back to normal. Edwin took advantage of it to completely bogart the spaghetti. Well okay, he made sure that Marti and I got some first, but Casey almost had to wrestle it away from him. Then when Derek took it from Casey, he still didn't stop talking.
What was he talking about? Hell if I know; it kinda started to sound like buzzing after a while. I know that he told us that his band is the best band ever—the best band ever to set foot on this earth.
"Nobody better tell the Beatles," Mom said, smiling.
"Or the Stones," George said.
"Or George of the Jungle," Edwin said. George smirked at him.
"Who?" Derek said. "Beatles? Stones? Hacks, the bunch of them." He waved a dismissive hand.
Edwin laughed.
"What's that, Ed?" Derek said, gesturing with his fork. "Do you doubt the almighty power of D-Rock? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Just a little," Edwin said. Derek shot him a dirty look, and Edwin backtracked. "Even though you guys are still my favorite band."
Derek laughed. "Good boy," he said.
"So I take it your band practice went well, then?" Mom asked.
"Yeah," Derek said. "It was okay."
"How about yours, Casey?" Mom asked.
Casey smiled and finished chewing in a hurry. "Wasn't bad," she said.
"Is that it?" George asked.
Casey shook her head, looking pretty much like she was going to bust.
"It was so cool!" she squealed. "Everyone's so talented, and they all went out of their way to make me feel welcome."
"Then you'll be really good at consoling each other when you all lose," Derek said.
"Derek," George warned.
"No, it's okay, George," Casey said. "He's so happy laboring under that delusion. He'll have to face the truth soon enough."
"Ooooh" Marti sing-songed.
Now it was getting interesting.
"Trash talk," Derek said. "She's trying to trash talk me! That is soo cute!"
"The simple unadorned truth is not trash talk," Casey said.
"I agree," Derek said, "But that wasn't it. That, sis, was trash talk."
"Keep telling yourself that, bro," Casey said. "And you have sauce on your chin, by the way. You're like a monkey."
Edwin leaned forward a little and stage-whispered to me: "Why did we complain when they weren't talking to each other? Could you remind me?"
"Love ya too, Ed," Derek said, slinging an arm around him.
"And I thought you had a no touching policy, too," Edwin said, trying to wiggle away.
"For you, I make exceptions," Derek said.
I tried to change the subject, and accidentally stumbled into a minefield.
"So did Max get back yet?" I asked.
Derek put his head down, pretending to focus on his spaghetti, but his ears perked up, it was so obvious. He looked at her from underneath his hair, but looked down again.
"Yeah," Casey said. "He certainly did. And we had a talk."
"Uh-oh," Edwin said.
"Oh dear," George said.
"Are you gonna cry?" Marti asked.
Casey shrugged. "We broke up. Stop making it seem like I'm Mount Vesuvius and you guys are Pompeii. It was coming for a long time; we all knew it."
"How'd he take it?" Edwin asked.
"Okay," Casey said. "I think."
"You think?" George asked.
"He never reacts to anything, so I just can't tell," Casey said.
"He shook her hand," Derek said.
It was a little hard not to laugh at that, but I managed it. It was just such a Max thing to do.
"Don't help, Derek," Casey said.
Derek was enjoying this, not because he lives to see Casey suffer, as Casey herself would say, but because we all knew that Max was no good for her. Because Derek actually cares.
"What's Mount—" Marti said. "Mount..."
"Vesuvius," Edwin said.
"Big volcano," Derek said, making cartoon explosion noises. "And we're the villagers who live right under it." He slid under the table to hide. Marti watched him with interest.
"Derek," Casey said.
"I'm not coming up until you're done spewing lava," he said.
"Okay," Edwin said. "I'll just relieve you of the rest of your spaghetti."
"Keep dreaming," Derek said, climbing back into his chair.
"Are you okay?" I asked, turning back to Casey.
"Yeah," Casey said. "I'm relieved."
"You're not gonna get back together with him, are you?" Marti said.
"I thought you liked Max," Casey said. "You didn't kick him or anything."
"I didn't hate him," Marti said. "It's not like he was Snot or anything. I just wasn't crazy about him."
"Me neither, actually," Casey said, slumping a little. "But he was nice and he seemed to like me..."
"Is that all you look for in a guy?" Derek said.
"Don't start, Derek," Casey said. "Can I be excused?"
"Yeah, okay," George said.
Derek looked really annoyed. "I think someone needs to have a talk with her," he said.
"Drop it, Derek," George said.
"Can I be excused?" Derek asked.
"Nope," George said; he gestured with his fork. "Eat."
Derek sat there for a minute or so looking like he'd never eat again, but picked up his fork and finished his spaghetti. Can't keep a boy away from his pasta.
After dinner, Derek took off for his room and Edwin and I got stuck with the dishes like we usually do. He washed; I dried.
"Think he went up to yell at her?" Edwin asked.
"Nah, we'd hear it," I said. "Can we talk about something else?"
"Knock, Knock," Edwin said.
I rolled my eyes.
"Come on," Edwin said. "Knock, Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Butch and Jimmy," Edwin said.
"Butch and Jimmy, who?" I said. Why prolong the inevitable?
"Butch your arms around me and Jimmy a kiss," Edwin said. I smacked him with the dishtowel.
"You're an idiot," I said.
"Okay okay," he said. "How bout this? Guy walks into a bar..."
Part Twenty-Seven: Casey.
I did my homework, but I was done with it too damn quickly to suit my needs. I sprawled across my bed. I picked up Death of a Salesman, which I had to read by next week, but it was depressing me too much. I logged about twenty pages, then threw it across the room.
Derek took the opportunity to come into my room and pick up the book.
"So, what'd this Arthur Miller dude do to you?"he asked.
"Have you read it?" I asked.
"No, I don't do that," he said. He tossed it onto my desk. Then, he sat in my chair.
"Do make yourself at home," I said.
"Will do," he said.
"That wasn't an invitation," I said.
He ignored me and spun in my chair a couple of times.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Chocolate," he said. "But I don't think we have any."
"Did you think I was hiding some in here?" I asked.
"Nah, I would've found it by now," he said. He was noodling around on my computer, trying to figure out my password to get in. "But that's not important."
"You'll never guess it," I said.
"I like a challenge," he said.
My phone rang.
"Noel!" I said.
"Damn caller ID," he said. "I was gonna ask you if you had Prince Albert in a can, but since you know it's me..."
"What's going on?" I asked.
"You know," he said. "I just thought that I'd, um..."
"Check up on me?" I said. "That' so cute! Derek's kind of doing that too, I think." It had dawned on me that second that that was what Derek was up to.
"Am not," Derek said. "Told you. I want chocolate."
"Nope, uh-uh," I said. "No takebacks. You were checking up on me, and you might as well admit it."
"I'd die first," Derek said.
"That can be arranged," I said.
"Should I leave you two alone?" Noel asked.
"Oh! Sorry," I said. "So how's the rest of your day going?" Derek tugged on a lock of my hair on his way out of my room. I smacked him in the leg. Apparently the sound traveled.
"Ouch," Noel said.
"Well, Derek should learn not to pull my hair," I said.
"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Noel said.
"I will," I said.
"So," Noel said. "Onto what I'm really bugging you for."
"You're not bugging me," I said.
"Well then I'm just not doing my job," he said.
I giggled.
"Guess I gotta raise my game," Noel said.
"I live with the ultimate bug, Noel," I said. "You're fighting a losing battle. So why don'tcha tell me what you're thinking?"
"I think we need to rehearse some back-up songs," Noel said.
"You're not wussing out of the Buckley!" I said.
"Nope," Noel said. "I have no intention to, but it's like having an extra twenty hidden somewhere in your wallet. Just in case. Kinda irresponsible to just practice one song."
I guessed it was hard to argue with that logic.
"What do you have in mind?" I said.
"Can't get 'Wild Horses' out of my head," Noel said.
I was half afraid that he'd bring up "Do You Like It?" by OLP, again. I was so relieved that they listened to me about that. The damn song reminds me of Derek and the lyrics? Way too close to home.
And then there's the lead singer, whose voice puts me in mind of older brothers trying desperately to comfort their hysterical siblings. Sound familiar? And I love OLP but I just can't deal with it right now.
"Um, Casey?" Noel said. "You still there?"
"Yeah," I said. "'Wild Horses,' huh?" I was so flattered that he picked a song from my list.
"Yep," he said. "Think you can get the words down by tomorrow?"
"Why?" I said. "Do I need to remind you that the idea was to have you sing it?"
"Do I need to remind you that I didn't ask you to join us just to sing backup?" Noel said. "Since when are you shy?"
Good question.
"So tomorrow?" Noel asked. "Same place, same channel?"
"Okay," I said.