KHARL
Merry yelling Treebeard's name makes me groan and instantly regret falling asleep on the damn tree. Not ready to wake up yet, I roll onto my side and pull my cloak closer to me for some warmth. Smiling, I begin to dream, blocking out all outside noise. Well, I was until I hear shouting from both of the Hobbits and realize they're no longer fighting, but need help. Friggin' Hobbits will regret waking me up later! Sitting up with a yawn, I look around and find the two assholes being sucked into tree roots. "You don't see that every day," I chuckle, sprinting over and trying to pull both of them free to no avail. In fact, the ground beneath my feet started to shift and I began to sink with them, losing my grip in the process. "This isn't the way to wake up in the morning," I shout to anyone that would listen, beating my fists against the tree.
Leaves fall onto me, filling my mouth and muffling my shouts and curses. If I die, I'm gonna kill the Hobbits! "Away with you," Treebeard commands just as my world was beginning to go dark. The roots begin to move again, this time to my advantage. As quickly as I could, I leap out of what would have been my grave, spitting out leaves and collapsing onto the ground a few feet away from the tree of evil. "Come," Treebeard says to us," the forest is waking up. It isn't safe." I take my normal place on Treebeard's shoulder with another yawn. "The trees have grown wild and dangerous—anger festers in their hearts. Black is their thoughts, strong is their hate, and they will harm you if they can. We are too few in number to manage them."
"Aren't there any Ent children," Pippin asks innocently.
"There have been no Entings for many years." Frowning, I begin to listen to the Ent more closely, remembering the last argument I had with my girlfriend before I was brought to this confusing world. A guy in my line of work shouldn't have children, not if he wants them to turn out normal. "We lost the Entwives." Does everything have to start with Ent?
"Oh, I'm sorry, how did they die?" Dude, you don't ask people that. According to Ashley and Andi, it's rude and I should keep my mouth closed at the next funeral I attend.
"They're still alive somewhere."
With an all-out laugh I ask," You seriously lostthem? Like when your mom leaves you at Wal-Mart?" Treebeard gives me a tiny nod of acknowledgment, though I'm sure he has no idea what a Wal-Mart is. If only this world had one of those, I'd basically be set for life—except for ammo, of course, they never have too much of that anymore. Then again, not even Bass Pro has much ammo these days. People are just too damn sensitive. Holy crap, I do sound like Ash's dad when I rant about this stuff...
"I don't suppose you've got any Entwives in the Shire or in the Wal-Mart," Treebeard asks us in his usual slow tone. I pat him on the part of the shoulder I wasn't sitting on with a negative, ghost rider.
"Can't say I have," Merry tells him. "You, Pip?"
"What do they look like," the other Hobbit asks.
"Um," Treebeard starts," I don't remember now." I raise an eyebrow at that confession. No wonder they can't find their women; hell, the women probably don't remember what their men look like neither! Damn, I'd hate to be a tree in this world. I chuckle again, looking around the forest and patting the holster that has my favorite pistol in it. Treebeard begins to sing again and I begin to wish I had something to drown him out with.
"There once was a boy named Harry," I sing loudly," destined to be a star. His parents were killed by Voldemort, who gave him a lightening scar!" Yo, Harry, you a wizard. "Harry goes to Hogwarts, he meets Ron and Hermione; McGonnagal requires he play for Gryffindor, Draco is a daddy's boy, Quarrel becomes unemployed, the sorcerer's stone is destroyed by Dumbledore."
"Ron breaks his wand, now Ginny's gone," the Hobbits join in, knowing the song well by now," and Harry's in mortal danger. Tom Riddle hides his snake inside his ginormous secret chamber. Harry blows up Aunt Marge, the Dementors come and take charge, Lupin is a wolf, the rat's a man, and now the prisoner is at large..."