Chapter Eleven: I Can Barely Breathe
"I missed you." She hadn't seen him at first; he was smothered in shadows, leaning back into the wall, the red stub of his cigarette blooming in his fingertips. He didn't surprise her- he never could, with all that familiarity- but he did amuse her. He embodied cliché. She almost smiled, after his voice reached her ears.
Almost.
"Good for you." She replied, but she didn't leave. He dropped his cigarette, and she watched the red sparks flare in the air before blinking out of existence. He stepped on the end, moved out of the shadows, dropped the half-drunken persona.
"Ash, don't be like this." His hands were in his coat pockets, his puppy dog eyes pleading with her. She wasn't as cold-hearted as everyone thought. And with him- she sighed, but took a step back.
"Seriously, Aiden, just shut up. You're annoying when you're drunk." Coldhearted, no. Easily annoyed, yes. Especially with him, after everything. Everything about him brought out exceptions to the rule, different circumstances. He was too far in.
"I talked to Kyla last night." He offered. She paused. She hadn't heard about that. She and Kyla hadn't been talking since Josie.
"And…" Her tone was nonchalant; she was not.
"We made up- as friends, I mean."
"And you're here to ruin it by hooking up with me." Ashley rolled her eyes, her face oddly blank, and moved back until the back of her knees hit the bed. Aiden laughed, hollowly, without a smile.
"Yep. That was the plan." He said, pissed, frustrated, sarcastic. Confused. Ashley bit her lip and felt a little guilty.
"Aid-"
"Listen, Ashley. I love you. So much it's stupid. But I know we can't be together- I just –can't stay away from you." He managed. She paused, studied his face and his enlarged pupils. Wondered what he was on and when he had started taking it.
"Let's talk."
IOI
Josie was sitting uncomfortably close to Spencer.
She had tugged a chair over to the girl, plopped down, and hadn't shut up since. Ashley was perched on the table behind them, staring at Josie's hands and where they went, and trying not to shove the girl out of her chair and then out of her house. It was stupid, sure. She had no claim over Spencer- so it was stupid, but powerful. There was some lingering resentment toward Josie that was probably coming out now- no way was she that jealous over someone she barely knew, someone so young.
The only thing that made her feel better was David's unsuccessful attempts at dragging Josie into a conversation. He had apparently given up on Spencer and was turning his attentions on the older girl. It wasn't going well, and ended up being kind of amusing, if only because Josie was so gay.
The other thing was, Spencer didn't seem all that impressed. Sure she smiled, and laughed, and listened, but she edged away. She didn't lean close when Josie did, didn't give off those subtle hints Ashley had been hoping for in the past couple days.
It was all just awkward, and odd.
Ashley crossed her ankles again and bumped the back of her knees against the table as she carefully swung her legs. In front of her, Spencer leaned out of her seat- cutting Josie off in the middle of her sentence- and picked up her vibrating phone. After glancing at the front, she shot the girl an apologetic smile.
"I've got to get this." She said, and stood up, her eyes darting behind her. They met Ashley's for a second of slow, revealing notions, and then the girl hurried out of the tent, pulling the phone to her ear. Ashley leant back on her hands, set on ignoring Josie.
But, the girl turned in her chair, eager and smiling.
"She's hot." Josie said, a hint of surprise in her voice, a hint of want. It grossed Ashley out. This was so stupid.
"Too bad she's a junior in high school." Ashley frowned. David watched the two girls and, finally, caught on. His eyes widened. Yeah- he needed to get his gaydar checked out.
"What? Are you gonna go for her?" Josie asked, teasing. Ashley hesitated for a second too long- she knew it, she dove to cover it up, she launched for it. David's eyes got bigger, but he went unnoticed by the two.
"No-"
"Ha." The syllable fell from her mouth. "God, Ash. I had no idea." Josie chuckled, turning in her chair for a second before flipping right back to the other girl. "Seriously?" Her eyebrows were up.
"Not seriously. I just tutor her in chorus- you're a total freak. Stop hitting on teenage girls." Ashley had to stop herself from childishly crossing her arms over her chest.
"She's, like, two- three years younger than us." Josie defended. "She's less than a year away from being legal."
"That is the creepiest thing you've ever said! She's less than a year from being legal?" Ashley was defensive, shocked- maybe a little appalled. She was hearing her own rationalizations flung back at her, and they sounded as see through as she felt.
"Whatever, Ashley. I'm gonna go get some food. Try not to jump Spencer when she comes back." She was offended. She snatched up her purse and slid over the table.
"Josie…" Ashley called after her, but she didn't put any effort into it. Her words trailed off after the girl.
Sighing, she leaned back against her hands. She was beyond confused at the moment and she couldn't stand it. She hated not knowing what she wanted. She was Ashley Davies; she always got what she wanted- she just had to know what it was.
David coughed awkwardly from across the tent and Ashley glanced up, surprised. She had completely forgotten he was there.
"Oh." Awkward pause, insert awkward smile; the hasty tossing up of student-teacher boundaries. "Hi."
IOI
"I'm so sorry, sweetie." Spencer pressed the phone closer to her ear. Kary had called again- the girl wasn't dealing with her father's illness well at all. She wanted Spencer home, beside her, with comforting words. She had to settle for Spencer's voice whenever she could get it. They weren't exactly romantic, but there was love tied into everything, threaded through their words.
"It just doesn't make any sense." Kary was almost blubbering. She had reached her peak of vulnerability and Spencer just didn't know how to handle it anymore.
"Kary, have you talked to your parents about this at all?" She asked, leaning back against a tree outside of the parking lot. She pressed her fingertips against her forehead and closed her eyes.
"They just- sit –around all the time." She was sobbing. Spencer couldn't help the tear that trickled its way down her cheek. God.
"Kary, I'm so sorry. I love you, sweetheart. But I think you need to talk to them about this, okay?" She paused, waiting for a response. "They know so much more than me." She admitted. The girl on the other side of the line drew in a shaky breath, let it out. Spencer couldn't bear to hear her cry, especially when there was nothing she could do about it.
"Alright." Kary finally spoke. Her voice was stronger.
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too- bye." Spencer snapped the phone shut, hurriedly brushing at the tear making its way down her face. She hated it- hated it- and she didn't know how to handle it.
A gentle hand on her shoulder startled her. She glanced over to see Ashley, with comforting eyes and raised eyebrows, with the barest notion of a smile and the subtle offering of a hug in the tilt of her body and the slack of her arms. She was trying to look like an adult, a mentor, but she'd forgotten how similar that was to a friend.
Spencer couldn't help it, even if it was stupid, even if it was naïve, because Ashley was there- in her mind all the time, in her dreams, and now by her side. She slid closer, wrapped her arms around her teacher's waist, and buried her face in the taller girl's shoulder.
Ashley stiffened for a moment.
Her brain kind of short-circuited, skipped a few essential neuroses, and then shuddered to a stop. It was a rusty reaction. She went on instinct, slipping her arms neutrally around Spencer's thin shoulders, pressing her fingers into the girl's bared skin, her eyes a little unsure. Tried not to breathe, though Spencer's chest was silently heaving against hers.
They were at the edge of the school, on the far side of the parking lot, and no one was going to stumble across them. She let Spencer cry into her shoulder and squeeze her close, the girl's wiry arms wrapping easily around Ashley's waist. It was exhilarating- the breaking of such a solid rule with such an impulsive move. It was stupid- it was Spencer, and she couldn't pull away. It was wrong, it was something built in youthful naivete, but she couldn't move.
It hurt, too, because the blonde girl was crying into her shoulder and Ashley really wanted her to stop. She couldn't see any reason why Spencer, of all people, should be crying. She was gorgeous, and nice, and should probably only smile her entire life. So she pulled her a little closer- tried to tell herself that she wasn't -and dove into the action beneath that shady tree, outside of that beat-up high school. Sealed her fate.
Finally, Spencer pulled back a little, wiping at her eyes. She couldn't meet Ashley's gaze for a long, sniffling moment. Ashley remembered Josie's words- Try not to jump Spencer when she comes back- remembered what they were doing. She couldn't remember why it was supposed to be wrong.
Everything was spiraling.
Spencer lifted her baby blue eyes toward Ashley's dark brown ones and laughed a little self-deprecatingly. She wiped at the last of the tears.
"Sorry, I just…" She trailed off, shot her eyes around. As if suddenly realizing what she had done and what position it had put them in. "I'm really sorry." She was close to tears again, and she went to flee, her body shifting suddenly. Ashley's hand shot out, grabbed Spencer's elbow gently.
"It's okay, Spencer. It was just impulse." She dropped her hand from the girl's skin. "Please stop crying." Her voice was soft, sweet, and almost pleading. They were draped in intimacy, and left in a shallow silence. Spencer's tears slowed. Ashley's heart beat double time.
"Sorry." Spencer sniffled a little, again, and wiped the last of her tears from her face. "My friend is going through some stuff and she's really messed up." She was gazing, eyes lost, out into the parking lot. Her arms tightened across her chest. "I'm just really worried about her."
"I'm sure it'll work out." Ashley promised, unable to think of anything else to say. Spencer seemed to come out of it, and she turned back to Ashley, eyes raking over the older girl's face. The curve of her jaw, the crinkle around her eyes- the face that seemed painfully real when it was only inches away. She couldn't look at the older girl sometimes, because it was like staring a daydream in the face. She lost the ability to think.
"We should probably head back." Spencer said, her face devoid of tears except for one lone drop trailing down her jaw. Ashley reached up, as if to brush it away -Spencer's heart stammered a little- but stalled her hand. She pointed, instead.
"You've got-" Spencer lifted her hand and wiped away the water.
"Am I good?" She smiled, rubbing the tears against her jean skirt. Ashley smiled back.
"You're good. Are you sure you're ready to go back?" Spencer bobbed her head, and took a step out from under the tree.
"David's probably all over Josie by now." She said, with the barest hint of hurt in her voice. It was surprising how quickly he had moved on, but she couldn't blame him for it. Ashley rolled her eyes, shedding the unconquerable jealousy.
"Well, good luck to him." She remarked. Spencer's eyebrow went up and she tilted her head toward Ashley.
"What does that mean?" She asked, squinting a little. Ashley's cowboy boots clicked against the cement sidewalk.
"Josie's gay." She barely shifted her eyes to gauge Spencer's reaction- she didn't realize she was doing it. The younger girl smiled to herself and shook her head a little. Her tears faded into the past, her smile bloomed, when Ashley's footsteps matched hers.
"You know, I kind of guessed…" She admitted, and Ashley chuckled. Their hands bumped obviously as they strolled down the breezeway, and the ache buried beneath Spencer's ribs eased a little. As they reached the main entrance to the school, Ashley moved a little farther away, as subtly as possible. Her fingers tightened, then relaxed.
She didn't want to admit it. It was harder when they shoved it beneath the glare of passing strangers, when they subjected it to random glances. Whatever it was. Those brushing hands, those crushing hugs. The shoulders pressed close, the fervid dreams. The surreal feeling to it all. It was so bad. So freaking against the rules that she couldn't consciously think about it without a splash of color creeping up the back of her neck.
They aimed toward the table, not speaking anymore. Ashley longed for the short moments alone. She longed for the feeling that they were just two girls with a few years and nervous smiles between them.
So bad.
IOI
"Hey, can you pass me that pen?"
Spencer glanced up to see Ashley looking at her expectantly. She leaned forward, pulled the pen between her fingers, and slid it down the table toward the brunette.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." Spencer said quietly, returning to the sheet of music lying before her. Her legs were crossed beneath her on the uncomfortable metal chair, and she stared at the paper as if it would give up its secrets to her. It was late- almost seven –and they'd been there for more than eight hours. David was laid out on the table in the back, Josie sitting beside him. They spoke in low tones- some sort of compromise made between their differing expectations. They had been talking for a while.
Spencer and Ashley manned the front table, like they'd had been doing all afternoon. They kept their distance, never touched, stayed on separate ends of the table. It didn't matter; their eyes said it all. Spencer's trailed over Ashley's body when she bent forward to grab her drink; Ashley's studied Spencer's profile as she scribbled onto sheets of paper. Their gaze lingered a little bit too long. They spoke like only the other could hear. Almost like it was only them or only everyone else. One minute they were wrapped up together in words, and the next farther apart than seemed real.
Josie might have noticed. She held her tongue though, because she couldn't remember Ashley ever looking like that and she didn't want to ruin it. She adored Ashley, really, and was a little protective over her. She didn't have a right, but she'd never asked for one. Spencer and Ashley didn't have the right, and they wouldn't dare ask for one.
There was something dangerous there. The way they separated when they were with other people said it all.
Spencer's eyes were pulled from her papers when she caught sight of a flat, tan stomach hovering before her face. Her eyes flicked up, light blue and a little wide with lack of sleep. Carmen stood over her, tank pushed a couple inches above low-rise jeans, and sunglasses shoved on top of her head.
"Hey." Spencer smiled, tilting her head. She sat back and dropped the pen.
"Hi." Carmen smirked. She had a stupid smile. It was stupid because it was flirty and dangerous. Because it was set a little too far in her eyes. It crept up into their depths, like she really believed in it, and sparkled- stupidly. It was stupid because when it reflected just so in the low light, Ashley could watch it latch onto Spencer's form. Ooze over her skin like some sticky, thick tar, trailing lower and lower until Ashley had to force her eyes away in disgust. Until she welcomed the distraction of another Carlin in favor of being jealous of the other.
Because it was jealously- she could recognize that, at least. Strangely enough, it was the kind she liked. She wasn't jealous because she couldn't have something, she was jealous because someone was taking it from her. Which didn't make any sense unless Spencer was ga-
"Hey. Ms. Davies." Startled, she glanced back over at Glen. He had dropped onto the table in front of her a couple seconds ago, but she had been so wrapped up she'd forgotten about him. She smiled, embarrassed, and a little flustered.
"Hi, Glen." She bent back down to finish scribbling out a note to Ms. James. "What can I do for you?" His pause was a little telling.
"Actually-" He drawled, his tone bored, "-I need my sister back. We're heading home." Ashley shot her eyes over to Spencer, who managed to linger, blonde hair and soft skin, in her peripheral vision whenever she was around.
"Sure, okay." She said, shifting her gaze to the young, dark-eyed girl leaning a little too close to the blonde. "Spencer." She said, barely an octave louder. The girl's head turned toward her instinctively. Ashley jerked a thumb toward Glen. "Your brother needs you." She wanted to look down, glance away- really –but her eyes wouldn't obey. They lingered, Spencer's echoed, until finally she went back to the note in front of her.
She felt, saw, Spencer stand up and move over to her side to talk to Glen. She could smell the girl only a couple inches away. It was stupid. She couldn't stand it for much longer- it had been almost eight hours, for chrissakes, of close bodies and averted eyes.
Finally, Spencer turned back to Ashley. She was way too close then.
"Can you handle closing up without me?" Spencer asked, shifting doubtful eyes across the messy tent and cluttered boxes. Ashley's gaze traveled after, and she lifted a hand to scratch at messy curls.
"Uhh…Probably?" She smiled doubtfully, eyes turning back to the younger girl. "If you've got to go, that's fine. I'll make Josie help." Spencer smiled at that and shrugged.
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow morning." She caught Ashley's eyes and a couple unspoken thoughts slipped between. They seemed good at those. Finally- unfortunately –she stepped backwards, away from her teacher, and turned back to pick up her purse. Catching sight of Josie again, she smiled and threw her a little half-wave. The other girl flashed a peace sign and smirked. Ashley had to restrain an eye roll.
"Bye, Ms. Davies." Glen even had a sleazy voice to go along with those fake bedroom eyes, Ashley discovered. She looked back over at him and smiled. She couldn't help it. He was amusing.
"Yeah, bye Glen." She said, half a laugh in her voice. Spencer slipped out of the tent and around the pole, her eyes finding Ashley's again. She waved, a couple fingers fluttering in the air, and a tiny smile peeked out. Ashley grinned back, holding up her own fingers, the magenta tan of a sunset splaying between the nails and glinting off Spencer's hair.
They were stupid- that was for sure.