Author Note: Hmm. So I reached the end quicker than I imagined. I'm not sure whether this should be the final chapter, or whether there should be one more. The problem is, if I wrote more, it would almost be for the sake of writing more? There's nothing more to tell, right now. Maybe a few months later, further down the line of Jane's story. Maybe a sequel. I don't know. So, for now, this is potentially the end...but there's so much more than could be explored.
The gun shot rang out in Jane's ears. She lifted her head slowly, her hands tangled up in her hair. In front of her, the man lay on the ground, blood pooled around his body. His eyes were glassy. Lifeless. She tried to stand, but tumbled back to the floor.
"It's okay," Korsak said, wrapping a hand around her arm and helping her to her feet. "I got you."
She lifted her gaze, her hands still tucked around her ears, covered in curls. Her heart rapped against her chest, boom boom, boom boom. Korsak's eyes were soft, friendly. She focused her attention on them. But nothing stopped the pain coursing through her chest, restricting her breathing. She gasped. Sickness settled in the pit of her stomach and she thought she was going to vomit. She leaned forward, but nothing surfaced.
"I'm gonna call this in," Korsak said, his hand still tucked around her arm. "When we get back to the station, I think we need to talk."
She shook her head, squeezing her eyes tightly closed. She could hear his words, but her ears were full of water. Korsak loosened his grip on her arm. She stared into his eyes again, and she could see herself magnified, her failure to do the most basic element of her job. The words Korsak would say when they reached BPD were already in her mind. She'd heard them before.
"No," she whispered, pushing against his arm, forcing him to step back. She put one foot on the ground, then her other, repeating it over and over again as she sprinted away from the scene.
"Jane!" Korsak shouted. His voice drifted off into the sound of traffic as she sped across a road and down another street. Her feet pounded the earth, one by one, her chest kept up the pace, beating to the rhythm of her footsteps.
x
The hours passed by. Daylight turned to nightfall and Jane ignored her cell phone's buzzing for what felt like the hundredth time. She continued to walk, to get as far away from the feelings that made it harder to breath, to live. She retrieved her phone from her pocket and pressed the voicemail button.
"Jane. It's Maura. Please, answer your phone. We're so worried. Rico won't sleep. He's missing his Mama. Please. Call me. Let me know you're okay."
Rico's cries in the background hit her the hardest. The message ended, and she silently hoped that all six messages were from Maura.
A new one began. "I love you. Rico loves you. Please, Jane."
The next message. Her mother's voice, her loud sobs. "Janie, we're all worried, what is going on? You can't just run off like that. Frankie's beside himself. He should have been out there with you, he thinks it's his fault. Maura's upset. I'm upset. Just come home."
The message ended. She stepped up to the edge of the bridge and stared out across the icy water. The night was growing colder. She regretted not bringing a jacket. Another message played.
"Hey, Jane, it's Korsak. What happened today, it's not your fault. You're not in trouble. We want to help you. Call somebody, anybody."
"It's Korsak again. The longer you're out there, the more worried we all are. If you don't call somebody soon we're gonna have to hack into your phone." He paused. "Nina's gonna have to hack into your phone to find you."
The final message began. A crack of thunder sounded in the distance. A sudden downpour landed on her shoulders; thick, wet blobs of water coming down so quickly that nothing would protect her.
"Hello, Jane Rizzoli, this is the doctor's office. We noticed you missed your last pap smear. Can you please call us back to schedule an appointment?"
Everyone's voices rolled into one, repeating themselves over and over in her brain. She tried to push them aside, but more voices joined them, blending into the backdrop of heavy rainfall. Rico's voice, all those years ago. Marco's cries. Frank Rizzoli's admonishment when she did something wrong. Frankie and Tommy roughhousing and blaming it on her. The disappointment in her mother's voice when she told her she might be gay. The glee when she realised that meant Maura would be her daughter-in-law. The miscarriage they suffered. The worry that baby Rico might never be born. The pain in her heart whenever she thought about the future.
It surrounded her. Drowned her. She tried to catch a breath. Every gasp was so much harder than she ever anticipated. She closed her eyes and covered her ears again. Her fingers wrapped tightly around her hair, anger and frustration coursed through her until she gripped her cell phone and tossed it over the side of the bridge.
She unclipped her badge and threw it like a baseball into the river. She reached for her gun. The weapon she'd carried for years. Then she remembered it had landed in the alley when she thought she was about to die. She took off the holster and threw it into the dark waters, a representation of the weapon she thought she knew how to control.
She felt numb. She stared into the white water crashing against the river walls. She closed her eyes again. The wind and rain hit against her cheeks. Everything felt out of control. There was nothing she could do to fix it. Her career was in tatters; every time she was with Maura she made things worse. Her father wasn't around. Her mother had lied to her. Her real father was serving jail time for a crime he didn't commit. She shot and killed her brother.
Her eyes stayed on the water. The icy cold depth below. Nothing else mattered.
x
Red and blue lights flashed in her peripheral vision. Jane turned her head, distracted for a brief moment from the waters below. When she saw Maura, standing in the distance, she suddenly felt the cold soaking her down to the bone. Her teeth chattered, her shoulders shook. Fresh tears strolled down her cheeks like a waterfall.
She stepped away from the bridge, each step a step towards something, anything. She crumbled into Maura's arms; great gasping sobs barely infiltrated the sound of the weather.
"You're okay," Maura said, cradling her, holding her tightly. Her voice broke. "You're going to be okay. I promise."
"How did you find me?"
"Cavanaugh craved and let us use the GPS tracker."
"I'm sorry." Jane shook her head. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Maura stroked her cheek. "You're okay."
"I don't know how to do this," Jane shouted, broken up by sobs. "I don't know how to get a hold of this. I can't do it."
"I know." Maura nuzzled her nose against Jane's neck. She ran a hand along the back of her neck. "You're not alone. I'm here. We'll do this together."
"Oh Janie!" Angela shouted, rushing toward her. Maura stepped aside and Angela caught Jane in her arms, holding her upright. The outpouring of love from her most precious people made it harder to stand. She dropped to the ground, Angela's arms still wrapped around her.
"I'm sorry Ma." Memories of the shooting repeated themselves over and again. "I did it. Rico."
"I know." Angela stroked her hair from her face. "Maura told me everything. It wasn't your fault. It was Marco's. He shouldn't have let you near that gun."
"But," Jane tried to speak, but Angela cut her off.
"He did the honourable thing. He protected you from years of pain." She kissed her head. "I love you. You're gonna get through this Jane Clementine Rizzoli. You're strong. Stronger than I ever knew."
"Then why do I feel so broken?" Jane asked, glancing from her mother to Maura. Maura reached out a hand and grasped Jane's.
Together, they pulled her back to her feet. Maura wrapped an arm around Jane's back and guided her towards the squad car. "Let's go home. You're frozen."
x
The hot water warmed her bones. Jane sat in the bath, Maura by her side, pouring water over her head and washing her hair. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the feeling of warmth. To the love that Maura shared in her act of caring for her.
"I feel numb."
"It's okay to feel numb." Maura trailed her fingers across her collarbone, pushing her hair over her back. "You've been through something nobody could imagine. We see a lot of horror in our work, but nothing is worse than our own pain."
"I shouldn't have gone to work today." Jane lowered herself down into the water further. She lay with her head submerged, her face staring up into Maura's. "I wasn't ready."
"It's okay."
"I nearly died."
"So I hear."
"I wouldn't have minded." Maura glanced away. Her lips tightened. Jane sat upright again and reached for her hand. "But I don't want to lose you, or Rico."
Swiping at her cheek, Maura cleared her throat. "You're home now."
"Maura?" Jane asked, reaching for her hand. "I need help. I need you to help me. I want to get better so that I can be the mother Rico deserves."
She cupped Jane's cheek. Jane turned her head against it. "You're already the mother he deserves."
"Not like this."
"It's not your fault. You're ill. There's nothing to be ashamed about. Rico loves you. We both do."
She stood up and waited until Maura held up a towel. She stepped out of the bath. Maura wrapped her up and dried her down. She slipped into the sweat pants and a t-shirt Maura had brought into the bathroom, and fastened her hair up with a hair tie.
"Time for bed," Jane said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Maybe tomorrow we can go to the doctor."
"I'll make an appointment first thing. You're doing the right thing." Maura tucked her hand into Jane's. Jane slipped her other hand into the pocket of her pants. "You are."
"Doesn't feel like it."
"You've asked for help, that's the hardest part of recovery."
"Thank you." Jane tugged her through the door. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I don't know what I'd do without you," Maura said, stepping even closer. She pulled back the bed sheets and helped Jane to climb into bed, slipping under the covers beside her. "I'm so glad that you came home."
"Me too. Goodnight, Maur."
"Goodnight, Jane."