Caught In Your Bad Romance
~o~ I can hear your heart beat… ~o~
Rachel blinked lazily, stifling a yawn as she let her eyes adjust to the darkness that shrouded her bedroom in the late hour. The pounding rhythm of rain that had been beating against the glass when she had drifted asleep had since fallen silent, leaving the night air fresh and sky clear beyond the panes of her window.
It was funny how everything felt different in the darkness: familiar but foreign, daunting yet comforting. It could offer solace or despair; be an enemy or an ally. The night was like a curtain, falling over the daylight stage they lived on, a reprieve from the endless performance of their given roles. Protected in the shadows beyond the spotlight, only there could the players at last breathe and break, succumb to the truth of their own frailties. The darkness could swallow your fears as easily as it could create them.
Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes again but found that the silence was too intrusive to allow an easy return to sleep. Her mind was too alert with unformed thoughts and there was a strange, simmering tension needling in the pit of her stomach. With a sigh, her gaze strayed to the window again. All was still and quiet to her senses, almost as if the stars themselves were hushed and waiting.
Careful not to disturb the loose arm that was still draped across her midriff, she shifted and readjusted her cheek against the pillows, her gaze soft and curious as she turned her attention back to the boy who shared her bed. His features were relaxed and peaceful now, soothed by sleep, and it made him look younger somehow. She wouldn't go so far to say 'innocent' – she doubted that was a feat Jesse could pull off even in slumber – but it was rare to never that she had seen his defences so completely lowered, and she wished that just once she could look into those waking eyes and see the same easy contentment that surrounded him now.
A frown crossed her face as she cast her mind back, into memories that had been tinged in the red veil of anger, loss and confusion for what felt like forever, a haze that was only now finally beginning to lift. She heard the voice of a stranger she knew by name as he weaved her so skilfully into his duet; she felt the touch of a lover who would be hers if she had only allowed herself to step into his arms; she saw the angry eyes of her accuser as he scorned her heart in a crowded school corridor; she tasted the sickly tang of yolk on her lips, broken at her command and done without a flinch of regret. The last, mocking touch he had left her with.
She had seen so many masks, so many aliases from his arsenal – been seduced and scarred by his ever-changing reflection in so many ways, that she couldn't help wondering if he would ever allow himself to completely drop his guard around her. She didn't know if it was a trust he could never give away or if he truly didn't know how to live without it anymore. Yet there had been moments, even back then, that she still couldn't convince herself were merely feats of acting. Moments she had caught him watching her with darkened eyes; the unconscious grip of his hand as it lingered in hers just a fraction longer than it had to; the wounded accusation that ran under his twisted declaration of love. Whether by choice or not, Jesse had led them into an encounter and set them on a path that would change them both in ways they couldn't foresee or undo.
They were both well aware of the bitter pain that ravaged their past, yet they had shared things that somehow transcended the time and distance and bad blood that had lain between them. He had been the first boy to make her feel really wanted; special because of who she was – not just for her voice, not because she was a part of Glee Club, not because she simply demanded the world to see her that way. Despite what he might think, the truth was that he had been the first boy to really tempt her to the edge of her own desire, stirring a fire that she had been struggling to subdue ever since. The first person to make an unprompted sacrifice for her, to confirm that she was actually worth fighting for, even if he was to negate it all in the snap of his fingers barely a few weeks later.
The first person who understood her world and her dreams because they were his too, a shared exhilaration she had never felt before – until she had seen how that same fierce spirit in him could just as quickly betray her to heartache and humiliation. But while they had been together, while the illusion had remained unbroken, she had felt no desire to look back. For the first time in so long when she had closed her eyes, she didn't see Finn's face. He didn't fill her daydreams or command her gaze across the room anymore. When Jesse had wrapped his arm around her shoulders and smiled into her hair, she had felt nothing but relief and the resolve never to jeopardise this fragile hope again.
Against both their wills, he had given her a fleeting taste of something too bitter to mourn but too sweet to give up. Something real and raw had endured through the deception, lingering in the back of her throat even as everything fell apart around her.
Bracing her heart out of habit, she took a deep breath and allowed herself to delve back into those dark memories, everything that she had been running from for so long. It was time to let go.
She could recall it all so clearly. Seeing him up on that stage, in the blue and black of Vocal Adrenaline once again, gazing down at them with a cool glint in his eyes and mocking edge to his voice – it had felt like a kick in the gut to Rachel. Just like that, without a word or a hint or a goodbye, he was gone. He was no longer one of them, he was no longer hers – in one move he had cut himself off from them entirely, casting her away like a toy he had grown bored with, erasing his presence from their lives like a guest star ending his contract. She could only stare and shake her head softly, futile denial protesting through her mind, as she was forced to watch their rivals restate their superiority, Jesse slipping back into place within their ruthlessly competitive machine like he had never left. Of course, she had come to realise, he never had. Not really. In his heart, he had never been one of them, never intended to stay. Not for Regionals and certainly not for her. He had simply been killing time, waiting for the opportune moment to fulfil his purpose before leaving her in the dust just as fast as he could physically manage.
Of course it had been yet another flawless, golden performance; even Rachel had to admit that. Jesse would never give anything less. With a last snide remark, his team had filtered off the stage but he had lingered. She had felt the chill of hostile glares behind her, but both ignored them as she slowly stepped forward, breaking ranks for just a moment as their eyes locked together across the auditorium. She watched as his shoulders dropped heavily and for a second there was no trace of that jeering arrogance anymore, the indifference melting from his eyes to reveal a glimpse of something that she knew was echoed in her own gaze. Just as quickly it had hardened to steel once more, and with a final shrug he turned his back to follow the call of his retreating team, returning to where he belonged.
Rachel hadn't thought she could have sunk any lower into depression as she had that day. Perhaps it was the abruptness that had thrown her more than anything; there had been no warning, no explanation to help deal with the emotional blow. She had snapped at her teammates, cried in Mr Schue's office, wandered the halls of McKinley under a black cloud, and still she couldn't bring herself to believe this was really how things were to be left between them. Surely he owed her a last word, a chance to speak her mind? They had been willing to cross team lines for their relationship before. Granted, it was a far from ideal situation and he had handled it spectacularly badly, but this didn't necessarily spell the end if they didn't want it to. If she only had an inkling of what the hell he was thinking.
When she had seen his name flash up on her cell phone, she couldn't temper the hope that had burst through her or the smile that had spread across her face at the sight of his own. And yet there was to be no apology or excuse in their last exchange, only a grim acceptance and final riddle of contradiction left hanging in the silence. In that sunny parking lot, looking her dead in the eyes and without a flicker of a smirk, their misconceived affair had come to a brutal and unceremonious end.
Even now, looking back, Rachel couldn't tell if that had been the moment when his masks had finally slipped, or simply fallen back into place. She wondered if he even knew himself; whether he was capable of telling truth from projection anymore. Somewhere inside, Rachel couldn't shake the uncomfortable fear that Jesse would one day lose himself completely within the façade of the showman. That he would just vanish, slip away into the currents of manipulations he had created and never resurface. He would become the characters and forget he was ever the actor. If he could never learn to relinquish control, to find a way to separate himself from the roles he took on and remember who he was underneath, it was a prospect that became all too frighteningly real. The thought sent a cool flutter through her blood, and Rachel made a half conscious vow that she wouldn't let him fall victim to himself; that if the time ever came, she would break through every last one of those walls, brick by painful brick, if that was what it took to bring him back.
As she lay there, content in the stillness, she could feel the night wrapping gently around them both like a protective confidant. It occurred somewhere in the back of her thoughts that she should be tired, that logically she would soon feel the pull of fatigue again, yet both her body and mind disputed the fact. Instead she simply watched each sleeping breath as it rose and fell through his chest, studied the curve of his lips and strong angles of his face, resisting the urge to trace her fingertips across his cheek, unwilling to wake him. He really was beautiful.
Rachel chewed her lip, a blush stirring in her skin as fragments of her recent dreams filtered back to her. The more she tried not to remember, the more vividly the sensations came: a heady mixture of memory and unleashed imagination. The echo of his hands, the ghost of his kiss and no will left to fight – a reckless indulgence that was getting harder to wake up from; a private torment that made her almost afraid to close her eyes. A predicament that was hardly helped by his presence so close beside her these last few nights.
A bemused smile tugged her lips as she let her gaze roam over his face. She had thought she'd had him figured out. Well, in the sense that she had given up trying to unravel his troubled psyche, cast him away under the blanket title of heartless bastard, and moved on with her life, more than happy to never set eyes on him again. She had realised that she couldn't trust his words or understand his actions, and left him to be damned by his own selfish moral code. She thought she had at last known him for what he was.
That was, until he came back.
And the memories had returned in full flood with him. Doubt had resurfaced, old desires kindled anew and scripts ripped away in the eye of the storm. She suddenly wondered if he had regretted it: the decision to return. It was always so hard to tell with him, his actions ever at odds with his meaning, his motivations a mystery perhaps even to himself. He had re-entered her life just as abruptly as he had left it, turning her world upside down all over again, the ground shifting beneath her feet under the pressure of unwavering gravity. She had thought she'd known what she was getting into, prepared herself for the inevitable outcome, but once again he was proving harder to predict than she had expected. Neither of them could have anticipated the turn of events they had been caught up in, and she got the distinct feeling that for possibly the first time in his life, Jesse didn't have a plan.
'You'll never know for sure.'
The words from the other day drifted through her mind, a throw away remark that concealed devastating insight. She couldn't deny it was a persistent truth that plagued their story – and yet for the first time she found herself able to look back at the lowest moments in their past and not flinch at the memories. She could see him and accept him for all the faults she knew of and for all the secrets he still kept; she could move past the pain she had carried for so long and explore what lay beneath, finally listening to the whispers that had refused to leave her heart.
It had always been him, she realised slowly. The unspoken guard between her and Finn that had never completely melted, that had always unconsciously held her back; a little voice in the depths of her mind that just wouldn't let her forget.
Reaching out, she brushed a stray curl off his forehead tenderly, her fingers lingering against his skin. She couldn't pretend to know what lay in their future any more than she could forget about their past, but for once the thought of the unknown didn't bother her. Maybe all they would ever have was the certainty of the here and now – and maybe that was enough. Rachel smiled softly as she felt the knowledge circle around her mind a few times before curling into a quiet thrill of conviction in the centre of her chest.
He stirred under the light touch and she quickly withdrew her hand, pulling herself out of her thoughts and settling her composure just in time to see his eyes flicker open and find hers. She watched, a little mesmerized, as that warm spark of recognition instantly sharpened his gaze and softened the corners of his mouth. No-one had ever looked at her quite the way he did.
"Hey," he murmured sleepily, taking a moment to stretch out his stiff muscles as he glanced around the near pitch black room. "What time is it?"
"A little after one."
He nodded to himself, studying the ceiling thoughtfully before turning back to face her with a quiet sigh. "I should probably go. Cover of darkness and all that," he teased. Leaning over, he closed the distance and stole a last kiss from her lips, a hint of a smile whispering through the touch, before he stood up and she felt his presence reluctantly disappear from her side.
Rachel shifted into a sitting position, her eyes following his steps as she watched him move through the shadows of her bedroom. Dropping her gaze, she absently brushed her fingertips over her mouth. The kiss had been gentle and unassuming, a silent goodbye, and not nearly long enough for her liking. The taste of him burned softly on her lips, the tantalising promise of everything she hadn't known she'd been waiting for – and she didn't want to let it go. Not this time.
Jesse moved carefully, loathed to suffer the indignity of tripping over something in the darkness as he made his way over to her desk. He paused for a moment, a slight smirk on his face as he observed the creative mess that covered the worktop, spilling around her closed laptop that took centre place. Knowing Rachel, there would be a precise order hidden within the apparent chaos, and heaven help anyone who disturbed it. Shaking his head to himself, he reached out for his jacket that lay draped across the back of the chair, and frowned in surprise as he saw a slender hand cross his vision and lightly touch his own, stilling the movement.
He turned his head and found her standing close at his side, quietly impressed that she had been the one to sneak up on him for once. He searched her face and raised his eyebrows questioningly, but she only held his gaze in silence as she proceeded to thread her fingers through his, pulling his hand away from the chair until it came to rest against her waist. Moving closer, she leaned up and found his lips again in a deep embrace that was anything but a goodnight.
Jesse tightened his grip around her as the kiss gained momentum, her own hand leaving his to wrap around his neck. Strong yet still unrushed, charged with the same electric undercurrent that had bound them together since the very beginning. As the touch lingered, a new intensity washed through them both: a brimming riptide on the verge of sweeping them away; a ship that would crash upon the rocks with a single word.
As they parted, Rachel looked up and felt her heart skip a beat as she saw the cautious realisation stir within his gaze. She didn't move as he lifted his hand and slowly brushed his thumb along her cheek, his fingers light over her skin as he cupped her face with the same care with which one would handle spun glass. Jesse had never been so delicate with her, almost as if he was afraid to truly touch her without restraint; to accept the consequences of a choice they had been dancing around for so long. But Rachel was neither fragile nor naively tentative – and she did not wish to be treated as such. Feeling a bolt of irrational fear that he would suddenly turn unsure, she took control with a determination that took even her by surprise. With a last glance into that piercing gaze that was still so intently focused on hers in silent contemplation, she pulled his mouth back to hers and poured everything she was capable of expressing into the delving kiss.
She found herself flashing back to their first time, standing on that spot lit stage in Carmel's auditorium: a forbidden moment of passion captured within a web of secrets and sealed with a broken promise. She had been the guileless ingénue, seduced by his song and enchanted by the rush of new feelings he evoked. He had been the player, the hired assassin who knew the game inside out and who would do whatever it took to suit his own ends. It had all the makings of a Greek tragedy and had played out in much the same vain.
It seemed like a lifetime ago.
Rachel's unease was soon laid to rest as Jesse quickly returned the kiss with equal force, his hands firm at her back as he drew her into his chest, pulling their bodies tight together. She didn't know who moved first, who was leading who, but when she felt the edge of the mattress press into the back of her knees, she reluctantly broke the contact and took a deep breath. Yet there was no hesitation in her eyes as she gently manoeuvred out of his embrace. Running her hands along his shoulders, she motioned for him to sit upon the bed and took a small step back.
She stood alone before him then, nervous but not scared. As her fingers moved to the top button of her blouse, she felt a tense anticipation rise up and grip her body, amplifying every pounding pulse until she could hear nothing but her own heartbeat echoing in her ears. One, two… She counted each slip of fabric in an effort to calm her breathing that was getting shallower by the second. Undressing in front of him was a surreal sensation, and one that was bringing forth a hereby unexperienced rush of physical adrenaline. She looked down and tried to concentrate on the methodical action, frowning when she noticed the slight tremble in her hands, her fingers fumbling with the lower buttons as her body betrayed her to the surge of emotions she was helpless to control.
She didn't even register the action until she felt the comforting warmth permeate her skin as he placed his hands gently over hers. She looked up and found his eyes trained on her, and for once there was no hint of amusement or affectionate teasing in his expression; an intense sincerity dominating his gaze that she had rarely glimpsed before. She felt his thumb stroke across the back of her palm, brushing over her knuckles; a soothing calm radiating out from his touch. She felt the tension easing in her chest, releasing the breath from her lungs. When her composure was more or less intact again, he stayed with her, his fingers moving with her own as they steadily undid the last of the buttons. Rachel let him peel the fabric from her body, tugging smoothly until it slipped from her shoulders, falling away onto the plush carpet under their feet.
Jesse drew in a quiet breath as he let his sight wander over her. Waxing moonlight filtered through the bedroom curtains, falling upon her skin with a gossamer silver shine like stardust. Reaching out, he placed his hands firmly on either side of her waist, as if to convince himself she was still flesh and blood. His fingers curled into the soft skin, pulling her closer, and as he pressed a kiss to the dip of her bellybutton, he could feel the faint shiver that rippled through her form.
Rachel's eyes slipped closed as she fell into his touch, her fingers stroking through the curls at the nape of his neck. It was a long moment before either moved again. Finally, Jesse pulled back and stood up, his body trailing hers as he slowly brought them level again. Rachel held his eyes with a twinkle of a smile, her hands finding their way under his shirt and circling his waist to rest at his lower back. She watched those stormy eyes darken and felt her own pulse quicken, her fingers gliding over his warm skin playfully before grasping the material and edging it up. He was more than willing to aide her efforts and together they pulled the shirt over his head, where it dropped to the ground, forgotten.
Her gaze travelled over him, curious and unabashed. She pressed the tips of her fingers against his chest, precise and delicate like an artist's paintbrush, a musing concentration on her face as she traced the strong definition under her hands; soaking in the feel of his matured body, so familiar yet subtly changed – just like the rest of them.
Despite the nearly physical urge to taste her again, Jesse carefully held himself back and allowed her to study him, determined to let her take her time and go at her own pace. Breathing deeply, he forced himself to retain cool control over his wits that were threatening to vanish completely under the enticing lure of her touch.
He didn't flinch under her wandering examination, remaining still except to tighten his grip on her waist in silent assurance, holding her close inside the circle of his arms. He observed a pained shadow cloud her eyes and followed her gaze to find it lingering over the violent marks on his torso. Rachel hesitated for a moment before gently touching her fingers to the deep but fading bruise just under his ribs, and the strangely intimate gesture made his breath catch in his chest.
Jesse brought his hand to her chin, tilting her face up to capture her lips in a kiss that commanded every last ounce of her attention. The action seemed to break the mutual restraint and Rachel moulded herself fiercely against him, drinking him in with an abandon that he had never felt from her before, and it sent a jolt of urgency racing through them both. He lifted her up in one sudden move, neither breaking the embrace as Rachel wrapped her legs around his hips and let him lower them both onto her bed.
So occupied was she by his mouth that she didn't notice the path of his hand, the clever manipulation of those fingers as they effortlessly located the seam of her skirt and slid the zip open in one smooth stroke. The garment gave way easily under his coaxing, and when she felt his hand slip inside the folds of material, his palm smoothing over her bare hip, she broke the kiss with a soft gasp, her unfocused eyes fluttering open to meet his. She could swear there was a satisfied smirk hovering at the corner of his lips but she was quickly blinded again as he swiftly moved his attention to her throat. Her legs shifted restlessly against the bed, fighting the urge to kick the fabric away in impatience, a reluctant moan leaving her lips as Jesse pulled back just long enough to finish guiding the skirt off her body.
Rachel's heart was beating against her ribs in such a wild tempo that she began to fear her chest couldn't contain it. If undressing in front of him was a surreal experience, being undressed by him felt like a brush with paradise. Familiar heat rushed through her veins as Jesse pressed a kiss to the dimple of her knee, his hands teasing over her skin as they slowly skimmed up the curve of her thighs. She had never been so aware of her body, every acute tingle the lightest touch could provoke. It was like a feverish drug running through her system, breaking open the floodgates and laying siege to her senses. And she gave in to it willingly. Just for once, for one night, she wanted no walls between them. No defences, no show faces, no games or bravado.
Rachel sighed as she felt him lay a maze of kisses to her abdomen, her fingers stretching down and tangling in his hair with a desire that would crave his touch forever. She felt him smile knowingly against her stomach, and she didn't even care. He could be smug if he wanted to, just as long as he didn't stop. Her chest heaved with calming breaths and with some effort she relaxed her grasp on him. Her hands ran through his dark locks in a loving caress, eyes closed tight in concentration, before her fingertips seized once more in a drowning grip as his mouth dipped lower, drawing over the soft skin of her navel. His fingers danced idly along her hips, scorching patterns into her flesh; branding her body with invisible burns that would scar beyond salvation.
"Jesse…"
She was barely aware the word had left her lips until she felt him move, his body shifting over hers until she abruptly felt his breath upon her face. His mouth brushed over her cheek, voice husky against her ear.
"Rach, are you –"
He didn't get any further before she turned her head and firmly caught his lips with hers, a searing fire sparking through the contact and deepening along with the kiss.
That had been the last chance; the point of no return. Jesse knew he hadn't a hope in hell of pulling back from her now. It had taken every last shred of his willpower to form the words in the first place – his self control wasn't unbreakable. He was still only human after all. A wry smile curved his lips against hers. And a very flawed human at that. But here he was: in the embrace of the only person who had suffered through the tempest and still let him back into her life. Someone who had seen him at his worst but would still give herself to such a person because she saw something else there. The whole thing was unprecedented and a little daunting – but suddenly he didn't feel quite so damaged. They were in this together, for better or for worse.
Her lips parted eagerly under his, urging him deeper, falling faster. Jesse suppressed a moan as he felt her respond just as hard, her hand firm at his neck, drawing him in and holding him there, as if his taste were sweeter and more precious than a desert spring. Muted pleasure hummed in her throat as his lips trailed down her neck, her form shifting under his guiding pressure as he aligned their bodies together against the bed. His mouth whispered across her skin, raining kisses to her collarbone before moving down her chest, drawing soft sighs from her lungs that rippled through the air like tropical waves upon sand. Pulling himself up with a trembling breath, he found her face again and was almost humbled by what he glimpsed in those shining eyes.
Rachel sank into his kiss once more, her hands sliding into his hair as demanding heat assaulted her mouth. She didn't even start as she felt his arm slowly encircle her, stroking up her back to release the fragile clasp with all the ease and skill of a charming pickpocket. She didn't open her eyes as she felt his practised hands slide the straps off her shoulders, her skin igniting where his fingers skimmed down her bare arms, raising shivers up and down her in his wake.
She felt him pull away then, air slipping between their entwined forms, his hands stilling against her body. She opened her eyes nervously to see him taking her in with acute focus, his gaze darker than the midnight sky that stretched outside her bedroom; black with want but warm with something like awed tenderness. She almost blushed under his examination, her lips parting to speak, to fill the moment of quiet like she always tried to do when awkward, but he quickly found her eyes again, a soft smile turning up the edge of his lips as he leaned in to meet her again, stealing the words from her mouth before she could utter them.
Rachel felt a swell of nervous anxiety as the difference in their relative experience bolted across her mind – and yet she felt safe in his hands. His touch was firm and demanding, his body strong over hers; he was in control and she allowed him to lead them, guiding and coaxing her through natural motions as her body reacted to his.
Her heart was racing, her soul flushed with a raw desire that she had never dared to acknowledge before, her whole being waking up in new sensations. She suddenly tensed, a broken breath catching in her throat as she felt his hand move to grip her thigh, the kiss of his fingers as they wandered up increasingly sensitive skin, slowly easing her legs apart. She moaned his name softly, a tight frown on her face as she struggled to control the painful anticipation that swept through her.
She felt the comfort of his voice more than she heard it, the low murmur echoing through her like the rolling thunder of a summer storm.
"It's just me."
The words were exhaled deeply into the crook of her neck, and they were the most beautiful ones she had ever heard.
"I know," she breathed, almost to herself. She knew it with every fibre of her being – and it was all she would ever want.
He pressed his lips against the pulse in her neck, his warmth surrounding her like a burning sun, protecting her from the icy void of space. "Please…let me…" The strained note in his voice nearly broke her heart; he had her at his mercy and still he asked, still he waited.
When she found that words had deserted her, she gave only a jerky nod in response, letting her body do the speaking for both of them.
Rachel lost her breath, a soft cry on her lips, her back arching against the bed as the sensation of his teasing fingers ripped through her in electric shockwaves, shooting all the way down to the tips of her toes. It was just…so much…more. Her dreams hadn't done him justice. Not even close. She clung tighter to him, as if she could draw him under her very skin and breathe him into her blood. His touch sang through her body, the sweetest melody they'd ever shared, and she gave a shuddering gasp as she felt him deftly push and twist with those musical fingers, exploring her in a reverent caress that set her nerves on fire.
It was almost too much. Her hands gripped at his shoulders, searching for an anchor and desperate to let him know the effect he was wreaking on her. She ran her fingers down his spine and back up, her nails raking against his smooth skin as she staked her own claim upon his body. Her hands stole over his back, savouring the contact, etching secret words into him with her fingertips, a language that could never be spoken. She felt his muscles tighten under her roving touch, fighting an internal battle that he wouldn't give up. Not yet.
She smiled at the thought that she could return the torture, but was soon caught off guard as she felt him move, her eyes fluttering open with a sharp breath as he leaned over her, bringing their hips together. She trembled as his hands covered her skin, tenderly tracing the most sensitive peaks and contours of her body with slow, adept strokes that resonated through her like lingering piano notes.
Rachel knew she would gladly let him study her forever, relishing the simmering intimacy as he memorized every nuance and quirk of her figure like an open book. Yet she found herself confronting a deeper instinct inside herself, one that was blazing through every cell in her body, one that she didn't think she could assuage much longer. A dizzying thrill raced down her spine as his thumbs circled the swell of her breasts, palms and fingers cupping her hot skin as he mapped every inch of her. His touch was like ambrosia, the one taste she could never get enough of, the only thing she longed to rediscover over and over again. The desire burned hotter, threatening to swallow her completely, as his mouth followed the lead of his hands, teasing and fervent, wandering over her as he explored the sweet clefts and gently sloping curves of her form.
Heat pulsed through her and she arched into him unconsciously, lost in the heady temptation of his close proximity. Jesse groaned low in his throat, body tensing, the reflex making him bite down against the soft flesh of her neck. She sucked in a breath at the sharp pain before he quickly turned it into a gentle kiss. Rachel felt a swirl of quiet awe at the effect she had on him. It was an addictive feeling, the sounds she could elicit from him, the reaction of his body to her touch. A coy smile lifted her lips. She wasn't going to let him have all the fun.
Her hands trailed down his stomach, feeling the toned muscles contract at her touch, until they reached the button of his jeans. She kissed his bare shoulder, running her lips along the strong lines of his body, fingers tugging insistently. She wanted him – all of him. The need was almost unbearable and swamped her senses with unforgiving force. He breathed her name, something cracking through his voice that she'd never heard before; a rough surrender that made her want to cry with relief. His hands took over from her fingers, his mouth falling on hers as he quickly pushed her back, leaning down to press them close together. The feeling of skin on skin was intoxicating, and it was her undoing. She tilted her head back against the pillows with a shaky sigh, giving him full access to her throat as he pressed kisses under her jaw line.
His knee slipped between hers and her legs coiled around his hips, locking them tight against each other. She felt his lips warm on her breast, her neck, brushing under her ear with mute whispers that pounded through her core, the last thing she ever felt before he shifted in one firm move and her world abruptly shattered in blinding, burning sensation. She inhaled sharply, tensing so violently that it physically shook her. His mouth swiftly covered hers in a bruising kiss, absorbing the shuddering sob that wracked her body.
She moaned into his mouth, uttering his name in a cross between a plea and a promise. Coherent thought abandoned her and she was aware of nothing but the feeling of him, so close, surrounding her and filling her senses in every way: his racing heart echoing through his pulse, his burning skin against hers, the soft murmur in his throat, his breath in her lungs as he kissed her – a connection that went so deep it hurt.
And god, it hurt.
Jesse remained still as he held them together with a focused strength, concentrating solely on the taste of her lips and the biting sting of her nails digging into his skin. Holding her securely until the trembling subsided, waiting until he felt her slowly begin to relax her vice grip on his shoulder blades. He could feel every quiver that shook her body inside his arms, shivering under him; he could hear the shared meter of their breathing as it undulated through the air between them: quick and shallow, hard and deep. Her body tight around him, wrapped so close in his embrace.
Pressing his forehead into hers, Jesse felt his restraint waning dangerously fast, the urge to lose himself in her becoming almost overwhelming. Just then her eyes finally opened to meet his, something infinitely tender shining in those liquid depths that pierced straight through his heart. It lasted only a moment, too many emotions filling her gaze to decipher, burning dark with pain yet bright with breathless wonder. She arched her neck and found his lips by instinct, a soft touch against his mouth that almost made him shake as much as her. It was a deceptively simple action that carried everything; an unspoken gesture of trust, of permission and forgiveness.
And it was more than he could stand.
Ducking his head, he caught her mouth again, deepening the kiss roughly. His hand slid along her thigh, fingers gripping her hip with a painful urgency that she savoured even as she surrendered to the blissful darkness they were tumbling into. His touch was hard and insistent against her flesh, easing her leg higher on his back, sliding deeper, and still she craved him closer. Rachel gave a muffled gasp as she felt him move, the action sending a fresh wave of new sensation crashing through her.
Slowly, they built a rhythm together; a consuming, soaring harmony that crushed the breath from their bodies and stole the pain away. Heat coursed through them both like molten metal, binding them together and melting them into one. They found a new synchronicity in each other, natural instinct and guiding touches flowing through their movements, their bodies fitting just as seamlessly as their voices as they travelled the rising and falling notes of their unfolding refrain together. A song as old as music itself.
It felt like coming together and breaking apart all at once: a star bursting into life; a planet collapsing in on itself. For a moment, gravity seemed to abandon them completely and they were set adrift in a weightless current; as if the celestial heavens themselves were breaking over them. Rachel grasped at his shoulders, her hands clenching in his hair, scrambling for purchase amongst the cascading falls that thundered through her. His mouth found hers, sealing in a kiss, his hand running along her arm to clasp her fingers tightly, pinning them back against the pillows over her head.
Rachel had always been a quick learner and Jesse was a very good teacher. He smiled to himself as he felt her settle into the rhythm with him, stifling his own moan against her collarbone as she rocked her hips into his. He was still navigating them through the tides of desire, but she was starting to experiment, growing bold in the fire that connected them, feeling her way. He brushed his lips against her temple in silent encouragement, their fingers tangling against the sheets, holding fast to each other through the storm as their bodies arched and moved together in the darkness.
Outside the fragile boundaries of their private world, the moon rose higher through the smoky clouds, concealing and watching over the secret lovers she protected.
/o/
Rachel's back hunched as she curled up tighter under the sheets, an invisible wince pinching behind her eyes. She pressed her face into the pillows and breathed deeply, lost in the waters of her own mind, fumbling to find a foothold. All was quiet behind her and she didn't know if he was truly asleep or only believed that she was.
She wasn't even sure if she just imagined the graze of his fingers. Deciding that she didn't care, she let her eyes close, a warm shiver passing over her skin as she felt the echo of his hand skim up her arm. The touch was feather light, almost aimless in its wandering, as it slowly traced the smooth slope of her shoulder and whispered through her hair. She felt the brush of his lips, soft against the curve of her neck, so tempting that Rachel wondered if she hadn't already slipped into a dream.
"You're trembling."
The low murmur washed through her like a soothing elixir; rich with emotions she didn't dare name. She pressed her lips together in effort as she struggled to rediscover her own voice, at a loss for how to possibly give words to everything she was feeling.
"I'm cold," she mumbled at last.
He said nothing in response, his hand only stroking through her hair in silent invitation. His brow creased in concern, uncomfortable guilt cutting through him at the thought of having hurt her. He'd tried to be gentle but he knew that his feelings had overtaken at points. And yet he was surprised to find that it was her stoic reaction that cut him deeper; that she still felt unable to admit weakness even after everything she'd just shared with him.
His pained thoughts quickly scattered as he felt her move beside him, turning over in the bed to huddle into him. His arms wrapped easily around her, pulling her close and folding her into his embrace as they settled together once more. Jesse felt a weight lift from his heart that he hadn't known he'd been carrying as he breathed her in, his fingers drifting absently along her back.
Rachel let out a soft sigh as she relaxed into him, seeking out his warmth as her own damp skin caught the night chill. She laid her head down on his chest, close to his heartbeat, drawing comfort from the steady, pounding rhythm that was slowly calming after their exertion.
She basked in the touch of his hand smoothing lightly over her spine, a sleepy smile curving the corners of her lips as she dwelled on the physical memories that stirred through the contact. The burn of his kiss, the taste of his skin and glide of his fingers; the sweet thunder that had broken through her as they moved together just minutes ago – everything lingered, ghosting through her body like early morning mist hangs over a meadow.
It was unlike anything she'd felt before and her mind was still reeling to catch up. A frown tightened her features for a second as she shifted unintentionally, causing her sore limbs to sting in quiet protest. Still it passed quickly enough and Rachel soon found herself trying to suppress a yawn as fatigue pulled at the edge of her consciousness with fresh determination. She was so tired. But she didn't want to sleep just now, and against every natural instinct, she stubbornly fought the encroaching darkness. She had too much to think about, still so much to understand. And yet to her bemused frustration, she came to realise that some things simply defied definition.
It was a strange paradox of existence. Souls and skin laid bare, stripped of secrets and nowhere to hide; childish vulnerability rooted next to unfurling new strength; the sensation of knowing another person so completely. It was like being caught on a plateau between two worlds, and it made her feel older and younger all at once.
The guilt, doubt and troubles would come crashing back soon enough, but right now she felt only his body tangled in hers, gathering her in and holding her tight, and she was purely content.
He was gentle now, worn out and spent; passion sated and calmed to a simmering warmth rather than the explosive heat that had just burned them both so painfully. She could still feel the pressure of his fingers, digging into her hips in a possessive embrace that would inevitably summon fresh bruises upon her skin; yet they were marks she would willingly live with, paling by comparison to the bruise that was slowly healing inside her heart. Rachel closed her eyes, her body humming with the memory: his mouth strong and intent on hers, the magic of his hands and the dull ache they had explored together; a slow throbbing that silently claimed her as his. Her first. What he would always be now.
She inched her fingers thoughtfully along his skin, stretching out against his torso, unable not to admire the ease and confidence with which he carried himself; a bearing that came only from one who had lived their whole life in a spotlight. He was always so sure of himself, always perfectly comfortable within his surroundings. Even now, lying together in her bed, there was something innately relaxed and quietly authoritative in his air, like he somehow belonged there; as if he always had. Rachel felt a sudden bout of inexplicable shyness creep over her. It was just too unreal: lying here so peacefully with the only boy who had broken and stolen her heart in a single breath; her body beside his that he knew every inch of now, had touched and shared so closely.
It was nothing like Rachel had imagined her first time. It was painful and deeply consuming, forged in fire and need, demanding force and teasing pleasure. It was sweetly dark and piercingly light, slow and urgent all at the same time. It was something irreversible; a searing brand across her heart that would wound forever. It was something strange and intense: to be lost in yourself and found in another.
A soft smile spread across her lips and she felt her eyes slip closed, lulled by the familiar, warm scent of him that surrounded her like a caressing touch. It was no romantic fantasy or idealised fairytale, but it was real and true, and it meant so much more.
"Jesse…"
It sounded like a question but the sentence was never finished. He felt her breathing slow and deepen against his chest, pulling the words away into the darkness as she reluctantly gave in to the will of her body, sleep finally claiming her inside his arms.
There were a hundred different ways that question could have ended and Jesse couldn't bear to contemplate them, let alone what his responses might have been. He tilted his head away and frowned at the veiled night that stretched beyond her window, his thumb still rubbing lazy circles over her skin.
He'd always suspected that Rachel Berry would be different.
That much had been apparent very early on in their relationship. An ironic smile tightened his mouth for a moment as the memories played through his mind. Everything had been unexpected with them, not least his own feelings. He could never have imagined what he was letting himself in for that fateful day he had so blithely agreed to Shelby's 'request'. Naivety was never something anyone could have accused him of, and yet he had proved himself ultimately unprepared for a world that he had never truly felt a wish to enter before.
Perhaps he'd finally met his match in Rachel Berry. The only person to ever beat him at his own game, without even trying. She'd certainly messed up all his neat plans; forced him to improvise on his feet and adopt new techniques, to raise the stakes and unwillingly drag them both into more risk. She'd surprised him at every corner, broken through his arrogant assumptions and managed to turn the tables, rewriting the rules of the game until it was impossible for either of them to claim a victory. She'd made things…complicated.
A wry humour crossed his gaze. So much for a 'good acting exercise'.
He should have known she would find a way to make him suffer for underestimating her. It was no mean feat to pull off what she had: to leave her song echoing through his mind, haunting his memory with her touch and smile, plaguing his thoughts with doubt and confusion. A fervent longing that crept under his skin and took hold to such a degree that he'd hated and resented the agony of her lingering presence – almost as much as he hopelessly wanted it.
A worthy opponent indeed. Nothing was ever simple with her. She was forever defying expectations; infuriating and unpredictable and utterly relentless. She refused to make things easy, for herself or anyone else, and it was a driving frustration that he recognised well. His flaws were hers in so many ways…perhaps too much. Too similar to be together, yet too alike to belong with anyone else. He knew that her fiery nature was just as uncompromising as his, and that in the end it would always come down to all or nothing with them.
This was nothing new to Jesse. He'd felt that rush, that surge of exquisite heat and pleasure all before; but he'd never felt intimacy – that touch of another person that went beyond the physical. There'd been mutual lust and affection on both sides, but nothing like this. He could feel her sleeping heartbeat echoing his through their wreathed bodies, the soft whisper of her breath upon his skin, and he'd never felt so strongly connected to another human being in his life.
It was powerful and unnerving and it made him feel exposed in a way he'd never experienced before. And he wasn't entirely sure he liked it. More than that, he was afraid it would become too addictive. No-one should ever hold that much sway over him. Jesse wasn't dependent on anyone; he couldn't afford to be. But now she'd given him something she could never take back, something that would be his forever. He knew that this had always been a big deal for her, and it was a responsibility he'd never had before.
He sighed deeply, his own exhaustion setting in, and he was more than ready to welcome the numbing blackness. Subconsciously pulling Rachel tighter to him, he let his eyes fall shut as their bodies and breathing settled together into a timeless harmony.
~o~ Wherever I am…I hear it beating ~o~
AN: Okay, definitely one of my longer updates! I'll only say this. What would life be without spontaneity, those reckless moments of surrender. For better or worse – they make us human. This was a daunting chapter to write. Feedback always welcome and appreciated :) I also just want to say thanks so much to everyone for their support with this story so far. It really makes my day hearing from you guys. Definitely helps the inspiration! So much for being a one-shot, huh?