Chapter 11– All or Nothing

"Tell me again why we have to drive freaking thirty miles to go to a supermarket" I huffed as I sat cramped between Brittany and the window in the back of the green car that Sam had rented. If it hadn't been for Brittany asking me to go and adding that she didn't want to spend an entire day without me – god she was adorable and irresistible– I would've definitely said no. But she didn't. As always when around Brittany my mouth and heart betrayed my brain and I – as always – got caught in odd situations. The rain dancing yesterday had caused a bit of a sniffle with both of us, something that Sugar felt the need to comment every few minutes when one of us sneezed or sniffled.

"We're going because it's supposedly awesome." Brittany said and wiggled closer to me. Why did she have to be so close to me all the time? I was never going to get over her if she was always all over me, funnily enough. Not that I hadn't pretty much just given up on that. I'd never get over her anyway, at least not until I knew for sure that there was zero chance.

"Isn't it just like a Wall Mart?" I asked annoyed. Brittany hummed slightly and then leaned against, causing my breath to hitch.

"Yeah, but it's in Italian" she said and forced my arm around her. My stomach fluttered and I felt myself blush as she wiggled into me, closing her eyes.

"Comfortable?" Mercedes giggled from the front seat. I growled but was silenced by Brittany's nod and approving yawn.

I looked over at Sugar, making sure that she was keeping her mouth shut. Then I turned to Mercedes again pleadingly.

"Do something" I mouthed at her. She chuckled and winked at me, puckering her mouth.

"Oh no, bitch. You did not just do that!" I growled and jerked towards Mercedes, causing Brittany to jolt but tighten her grip around me, mumbling something unintelligible as she was just about to fall asleep.

Mercedes turned on the radio and attached her own iPhone and scrolled through the song.

"Hey Britt," Mercedes said, demanding Brittany's attention. "What do you say, wanna hear a Santcedes duet?" she asked.

Brittany suddenly seemed wide awake, and also slightly disoriented as she nodded eagerly.

"What do you say, Santana?" Mercedes asked.

"Okay then, but I'll need to sit upright, so Britt-Britt, you have to use Sugar as your pillow" I said and shoved Brittany away gently.

"No, I don't want to be a pillow!" Sugar complained, but Britt threw her arms around the girl nonetheless, earning an annoyed groan and a hiss from Sugar who was helplessly stuck under the grip of her best friend.

Merccedes looked round at me with a grin before starting a song. The beat of the guitar was slow and lazy and I quickly realized which song it was, but it was too late to protest.

I nodded at Mercedes who started to sing.

"What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive" she sang and gestured for me to continue.

"I can't keep up, I can't back down, I've been losing so much time"

"'Cause it's you and me, and all of the people, with nothing to do, nothing to lose. 'Cause it's you and me, and all of the people and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you" we sang in unison. Brittany was looking at me, from her position holding Sugar, who also seemed lost in the song.

"All of the things that I wanna say, just aren't coming out right." I sang and I couldn't help glancing over at Brittany. Luckily she had closed her eyes, listening to the music. I caught Mercedes' eyes instead and she smiled sadly at me.

"I'm tripping inwards, you've got my head spinning, I don't know where to go from here" she sang and let her hand rest over Sam's. He smiled at her and let her peck his cheek.

"'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove" we sang. By 'nothing to prove' I noticed that Brittany had joined us, and that Mercedes silenced. I glared but she pursed her lips smiling at me. Brittany's eyes were still closed as we sang the last part.

"'Cause it's you and me, and all of the people, and I don't know why" she opened her eyes and I locked them with mine, blushingly. "I can't keep my eyes off of you" we both silenced.

"Will you stop being so gooey please? It's making me clinically depressed" Sugar said as the middle piece began.

"Shut up" I said, still locking eyes with Brittany.

We missed the first line but I picked up on the second and again Brittany surprised me by joining in.

"Everything she does is beautiful, everything she does is right. 'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose. 'Cause it's you and me and all of the people and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you" We sang, still locking eyes. It was so nice, but at the same time, it was really awkward because we had all of these people looking at us and really, it felt kind of inappropriate for us to practically sing a love song. That was followed by a deep silence where everybody was just kind of looking at us; mostly at Britt, but still. It seemed like Britt had finally gotten t processing what she had just done. She now had the same nuance in her cheeks as uncooked beef. By the temperature on my cheeks I'd say that mine were reaching boiling point. Great. Okay, so now would kind of be the perfect moment to lean in and just get it over with, just you know kiss the girl. But no; I settle for clearing my throat as the song finished and staring out the window.

"Wasn't this supposed to me Santcedes and not Santittany duet?" Mercedes asked with a snort.

"What's with the merged names, Jones?" I asked, but I couldn't help but notice the clear innuendo in Britt's and mine's merged name. Good one, Jones, I'll give you that much.

"I didn't think you'd mind" Brittany said the hint of a pout in her voice.

"We don't we were just wondering." Mercedes said. "Santana, you up for another? Our song?" she smirked at me.

"Sure" I said, wanting more than anything to get out of the state of utter awkwardness I had landed myself in.

"Your song?" Brittany asked, Her face still pink.

"River Deep" I said.

"Mountain High" Mercedes finished with a sly grin.

We proceeded to sing that and a lot of other songs while Brittany and the others listened intently, joining in once in a while.

I think that eventually we just got tired of singing because we fell into a silence. If the Lifehouse song had done any good it was that Brittany was now sleeping, using Sugar as a pillow. Sugar's frequents groans of protest and discomfort couldn't do anything but make me smirk. Oh sweet revenge.

It was almost eleven a.m. before we reached the large building inside which the supermarket called Carrefour was.

"Britt, girl, come on!" Sugar complained, but Britt wouldn't budge.

"Santana, please?" Sugar pleaded but I just grinned in triumph.

"Santana, don't be mean" Brittany mumbled and blindly sought me. I caught her hand and began pulling her away from Sugar. With some force I managed to get Brittany into a sitting position but then she just slumped again and fell into me. I groaned and attempted to push her off me, which didn't go too well. In the end I was forced to just open the car and pull her into the heat of the midday sun. She seemed to wake up some and actually managed to stand by herself. She still seemed a bit dizzy though, like she was drunk or something. Odd girl being odd. I didn't really mind.

"So this is what we drove an hour for?" I asked unimpressed looking at the giant box-like white building.

"Yup, now let's go!" Brittany said and pulled me with her. Okay, time was definitely coming where I had to have the 'girl either you kiss me or you keep your distance, because this is freaking torture' talk with her. I let her pull me inside, followed by the other three. It seemed like things were starting to work between Sugar and Brittany again, I noticed. She happily chatted with Sam, not as affected by me hogging her spot by Britt as she was a few days ago.

Inside the building was about twenty stores of different sort, most were with clothes though, and a rather large supermarket, though nothing compared to wall-mart. We walked straight into the nearest clothing store, something called Terra Nova. The style was what you could call the top forty of clothes. There were some pretty hot clubbing pieces though. Brittany looked around in one end as I looked around in the other. We were quickly joined by Mercedes who explained that Sam had dragged Sugar to a book store. I did not take little miss tone-deaf elf to be a reader of anything other than tabloids and fashion magazines.

"Hey Santana; what do you think?" Brittany called. She held up a loose semi-sequined black jacket. I bet she'd look smokin' in it.

"Nice" I said. I could've slapped myself. Nice? It was totally überhot! Just… ugh.

"Nice?" Brittany asked, with a smirk in her voice. My cheeks visibly reddened.

"Well what do you want me to say? I swear you don't want to read my mind right now" I said, and just then detected that this was totally shameless flirting. Awkward.

"I thought I was the one who was to stop flirting, but looks like you have the same problem. I don't blame you though, I'm hot!" Indeed you are…

"Okay, enough you two. Santana, just say that the jacket is smokin' because it totally is. And Britt, honey, calm your tits please." Mercedes said. Brittany grinned at me, totally not calming down.

"Okay, your jacket is hot, and you'll look totally babe-ish in it, happy?"

"Thank you very much" she said and winked at me.

"Brittany, no flirting"

"But my board says to do so" she pouted at me. Wait, flirting… oh, right. But, it had been three days. There was no freaking way. Nobody made that much progress in such short time.

"Flirting with people you like!" I retorted with a snort.

"Who says that ain't you?" she called back before looking on. I snorted. Yeah right. Right… Did she? No way. Calm it, she hasn't made that much progress, it's just her having her shield. I'll talk to her later about that. The talk. God, I hated having to take that talk with her.

I realized that I was just standing there with the shirt I'd found clutched in my hand, staring at where Brittany had been last, quite aware that Mercedes was staring at me.

"Girl, just…" Mercedes said but didn't even bother to finish the sentence.

"What?" I sneered.

"Ask her out already" Mercedes sighed.

"What, no way. She's been single for like, three days. Besides, she's mending."

"Then help her mend, but stop torturing yourself, and her. Besides, it may have been only three days, but it feels like so much longer doesn't it? Did you know that she hasn't really slept since the break up?" Mercedes said quietly.

I shook my head, biting my lip. Had she been crying?

"According to Sugar she's just been sitting in bed writing or pacing her room or staring up at the sky. It's like sleep is the last thing on her mind." I looked at her, surprised, then at Brittany. She didn't really look like someone who hadn't slept for days.

"So…"

"Ask her out" Mercedes said eagerly.

"No way." I protested, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Why not?" she insisted

"She just broke up with her boyfriend. Even if she thinks she likes me, I don't want to be the rebound" I hissed and started to walk away, placing the shirt I'd been holding on a random shelf and exiting the store, looking for the book-store. Mercedes didn't try to answer to that and let me walk.

I found the others pretty fast, but they were on their way out.

"Hey, where's Britt?" Sam asked. I shrugged.

"Somewhere inside that store, I think" I said with as much indifference as I could muster as I pointed back to the store over my shoulder.

"Did you fight?" Sugar asked, peeking past Santana into the store.

"No, why did you assume that?" I asked, totally forgetting that I didn't like her.

"Because you two are practically glued together by the hip" Sam said.

"Or the mouth" Sugar snorted.

"Watch it, Motta" I warned her, scowling.

"So, didn't we come here to go in there?" I asked and tilted my head towards the large supermarket.

"Yeah. Hey hot mommas! How about you hurry up?!" Sugar hollered into the store. I turned my head enough to see Mercedes and Brittany wave and nod. I tracked Brittany with my eyes as she paid for the jacket and walked out with her arm around Mercedes, telling a story involving something about hats and ducks, whatever the hell that meant.

"Can we just get this over with?" I asked when they joined us.

"I don't know why we brought you, you're such a bore" Sugar told me. I growled at her, but then Brittany's arm was around me and I melted. Her touch alone could pretty much get me from bitch town express to just shutting up and breathing in the flowery scent of Brittany.

"She's not a bore, she's just being grumpy" Brittany said and pulled me with her. I smiled sheepishly up at her.

"Sorry if I'm being too cranky. I just have a lot on my mind…" I apologized quietly so that only Brittany could hear me, as we walked with her hugging me from behind. She chuckled.

"What can possibly make you so cranky?" she asked.

"Nothing." not when you're around… That's just the problem, isn't it? I'm so damn dependent on her. Addict; yup I'm a total Brittany addict.

"Oh come on, you can tell me" Brittany pushed as we walked through the entrance to the store. I barely noticed how much it looked like any other supermarket.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not now at least" I retorted and tried to pry her away. She let go and looked at me like I had stung her. "Look, can we talk about it later, when we're like alone or something?" I added in a hushed voice.

"Mm… sure" she said, though not as enthusiastically, but I think that was out of respect to my mood, because it was clearly something that bothered me. Well of course it bothered me, but she, the cause of it, never could. Just then I felt a tickle in my nostrils and turned away to sneeze.

"Bless you" Brittany said.

"Thanks" I said and sniffled slightly.

"You know, this is all your fault" I said with raised brows.

"What?" she asked, looking confused.

"You gave me a cold" I said.

"I can't give you a cold, I still have mine" she said and scrunched her nose slightly.

"Dork" I said and nudged her. She lit up and smiled goofily before pulling me with her.

Sam was being a total man and carrying four overloaded bags filled with food and toilet paper and soda and also a small bottle of vodka since Brittany had so elegantly chugged down half of the Bacardi bottle. I was so glad that I had Brittany to provide some comic relief to the shopping by making up stories about the pastas affair with the meat and how jealous the sour patch kid house aka broccoli got. I was grunting with laughter at her stories and the more we laughed the better her comedy became. She was definitely confident, but in another way than when she was just flirty. Her confidence came from knowing that she could affect people by making them laugh their asses off.

"Oh my god, you have to rap Britt!" Sugar exclaimed when Brittany was done arguing with Sam about why the broccoli had to be next to the straws and not next to the meat. I was giggling by her side all the time.

"No way" Brittany said and blushed slightly. "Not up for that yet. I've had no practice in years" she said as I started the car. Sam had requested a nap and I gladly offered to drive if that meant that I wouldn't have to sit so close to Britt. Mercedes helped me this time and took the passenger's seat, to both Britt and Sam's dismay.

"Then can we at least sing our song?" Sam pleaded.

"God no! No country!" Mercedes said and chuckled.

"Your song?" I asked, silently agreeing about the 'no country'.

"Backwards. We used to sing it all the time. River Deep Mountain High is your song, Backwards is ours"

"I don't have that" I said.

"That's okay, we don't need it" Sam said.

"Sugar, Britt, you ready?" Both girls giggled and nodded.

"I was sitting on a bar stool, in a barbeque joint, in Tennessee." He sang, and I had to admit, he had a bit of country behind those guppy lips.

"When this ole boy walked in and sat right down next to me" Sugar sang. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either.

"I could tell he'd been through some hard times, there were tearstains on his old shirt" Brittany sang. I looked at her in the rearview mirror, but she was focused on the three-way stare the three friends in the backseat were doing.

"And he said you wanna know what you get, when you play a country song backwards?" They all sang silently.

"You get your house back! You get your dog back!" Sam sang and Brittany and Sugar continued, pointing at Sam.

"You get your best friend Sam back, you get your truck back, you get your hair back" Brittany ruffled Sam's poufy mane.

"You get your first and second wives back" Sam sang and pointed to Brittany first and then to Sugar. Both gasped theatrically.

"Your front porch swing, your pretty little thing" Sam and Brittany sang to Sugar and both poked her. She continued.

"Your bling, bling, bling and a diamond ring" she sang and pointed to the three rings on her left hand in turn.

"You get tour farm and the barn and the boat and the chain" they old sang.

"First night in jail with Blaine" Sam sang.

"Blaine was in jail?" I gasped, interrupting their song.

"Shh, you're breaking the chain!" Brittany scolded. Sam counted to three and they continued.

"It sounds a little crazy, a little scattered and absurd, but that's what you get when you play a country song backwards!" they sang in unison, doing the crazy move and some odd three-way handshake.

"Well I never heard it said quite like that!" Sam sang impressively.

"It hit me in the face" Brittany sang and Sugar swatted her temple gently. "'cause that's where I'm at" she sang along and flicked Sugar off.

"I almost fell flat out on the floor" Sugar sang and pretended to faint, the back of her hand over her forehead before shooting up with the others.

"He said -wait a minute that's not all there's even more-" they all sang. I couldn't help but laugh at their silliness. Until now I'd had a very hard time imagining them all together as teenagers, but now it was clear as a bell what they'd found in each other.

"You get your mind back and your nerves back" Brittany sang and jerked her head mechanically and jolted.

"your first heart attack back" she sang and clutched her heart. I wondered if by first heart attack, she meant Kiehl.

"You get your pride back" Sugar said and kicked her legs a bit.

"You get your life back" Sam sang. Brittany and Sugar both stopped for a second, as if what he had sung wasn't his. He then nudged Brittany and she flushed wildly, shaking her head. Sam sighed and then leaned over to press his lips against Mercedes' cheek.

"You get your first real love back"

"You get your big screen TV, a DVD and a washing machine" Sugar said with a smug smile.

"You get the pond and the lawn, the bail and the mower" Brittany sang.

"You go back where you don't know her"

"It sounds a little crazy, a little scattered and absurd, but that's what you get when you play a country song backwards!"

They grinned at each other.

"Tired of us?" Brittany asked. Never

"Nah, it's okay. Just hurry up and get done with it" I said and smiled in the rear-view mirror at her. She grinned.

"We sat there and shot the bull about how it would be, if we could turn it all around and change this…" Sam sang.

"C" Brittany said.

"R" Sugar giggled.

"A" Sam said.

"P" they all hollered and did a build up by tapping their knees simultaneously in an increasing beat.

"You get your house back, you get your dog back you get your best friend Sam back" Brittany and sugar sang. "You get your truck back, you get your hair back"

"You get your first and second wives back" Sam interjected.

"Your front porch swing, your pretty little thing, your bling, bling, bling and a diamond ring." Sugar sang with joy.

"You get your farm and the barn and the boat and chain, first night in jail with Blaine"

"Okay, what is it with Blaine?" I asked, not able to hold back any longer. "Has he been to jail or what?"

"We were actually, his dad and he built a car back in freshman year and he took a drive without a license, because he was so pissed at his brother. That's where I met him, I was picked up by the popo for working at a strip club to pay the bills at home" Sam said and chuckled.

"Oh I have a good weapon against him now" I said and smirked.

"You were a stripper?" Mercedes asked, sounding highly disapproving.

"Um yeah… I was a good one though. Forty bucks an hour baby" he said and grinned.

"Ugh…" she said and turned in her seat. Guess that song was over now. I couldn't help but grin at the information on both Sam and Blaine. I wondered shortly if Kurt had any idea of this piece of information. I'd have to talk to Blaine about that. Great, now I had a reason to visit the two pretty ponies.

I drove silently while Brittany and Sugar had what seemed like endless thumb wars, most of which Brittany won, because her fingers were noticeably longer than Sugars. Speaking about fingers. Oh god, I'd really have to get me some soon, this was getting unbearable. But I didn't really feel like any pants parties any time soon. Not unless it was her… Nope, not even then, because if it was her then it wouldn't just be getting off. It would be so much more. Wait, why was I even thinking this? Ugh, so wrong.

Mercedes and Sam tried endlessly to get me to join them for dinner, but I didn't really feel like it. We'd eaten at McDonalds – the only place where any food was served – for lunch, and I'd really gotten the urge to run that off. It wasn't like I was a health or weight freak, I just really hated the heavy full feel of fast food, even if I liked the taste. I was surprised at how Brittany didn't say a word. She just shrugged, letting me make my own decision, while tugging at Sugar as if she was eager to talk to her.

"See you later, Satan!" Mercedes' called after me.

"Yeah right, Diva Jones" I called back and stuck out my tongue at her, walking away. I missed Brittany's goodbye hug, but didn't ask for it. It seemed like she had finally taken the 'distance' thing on my list seriously. It seemed like she'd almost forgotten that one, though.

"What is wrong with you?" I heard Sugar hiss at Brittany who was staring at the ground sheepishly, when I looked back.

"Stop it Sugar" Mercedes said and put her arms around Brittany, walking away with her.

I walked on in the other direction, still somewhat down that Brittany hadn't wanted to tell me goodbye. Back at my apartment, I'd meant to change for a run, but I only got to the couch before collapsing, suddenly exhausted. This was going so bad. It had almost seemed like Britt and I were going somewhere with this. She'd seemed so open about herself, but differently than before and now she was trying to get me to get over her? It seemed that way, anyhow. I groaned and buried my head in one of the couch cushion. She was so hard to read, way too hard. Why couldn't she just say it like it was? Why couldn't I? It was like fate had brought together the two biggest cowards when it came to this. At least, I was a freaking coward. I had no idea what this – me and Britt – was. It wasn't a normal friendship, not at all. Normal friends don't suggest dating each other, they aren't that clingy and they definitely don't kiss. Not in our age anyway. Had I been fifteen or sixteen I might've excused it for hazing or experimenting. But I wasn't experimenting, and neither was she. I know that just because two girls are into girls, it doesn't mean they're into each other, but I was into her. I could've sworn that she was into me too.

"I've really wanted to kiss you" Britt's echo sounded in my head as I sat on the cliff, looking at the ocean waves. Flashes of gold seemed find their way onto the surface of the dark waves and then disappear, like the sun hidden by a cloud. I sighed. "I should've stopped" her voice said. I looked around for her, but everywhere I looked there was desert or water. It was like black and white, nothing in between. All or nothing. Water was a nothing, just a big blue nothing where nothing could be built, and the desert was nothing. No life could live and no place to hide from the burning.

My choices seemed so few. I just kept sitting on the tiny spot where the grass grew, knowing that I should either jump or leave. Leap of faith? "Ugh, don't make me say it" her voice pleaded. I looked to the sky, but found none. It was just all white, without any nuances or sighting or sun or stars. Where was she? Her voice must've come from somewhere. I held a hand to my heart and felt it flutter. She was here. She wasn't here in her physical form, but where I was, so was she.

"I just wanted you" where did these words come from? My heart? Had she said them? Wishful thinking, right? "I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend" I felt my breath hitch.

In the waves her reflection appeared above mine. I spun and saw her, clad in her bikini, the straps of the top hanging down her arm. Her face was swollen and red and her eyes were bloodshot as the tears fell from her eyes. I wanted to get up, wanted to hold her, to keep her safe. I felt the gravity force me towards the sea, but I didn't want to. I wanted to stay here on this small green piece of earth where roses circled me and the dew lay as beads on the earth.

"Help me" I said. She smiled through her tears and tried to speak. Not a word came, but instead she leaned down and took my hand in hers, pulling me up. Gravity was no longer a problem. I remembered now, remembered her words, where she'd said them. But why? I let my fingers skate upwards to her cheeks, wiping the tears from her, as she smiled down at me.

"I just wanted you" she whispered gently. I felt a shiver run through my every limb as my heart fluttered. She leaned towards me cupping my cheek, but then she stopped. I felt walls closing in around me, wooden doors forcing Brittany away from me. I was trapped inside a freaking closet. I really did have the most imaginative mind ever. Wow, closeting me in its most literal sense. Are you freaking kidding me? Couldn't I just be with her?

I felt gravity pull me down but I couldn't see anything except the inside of my closet. I felt as the water hit the wood and it streamed through the holes. I was drowning in the big blue nothing. But it wasn't a big blue nothing, I remembered. It was filled with life, with sharks and dolphins and clownfish and stingrays, with penguins and sea lions. It was life. How ironic, life was drowning me.

A buzz woke me up from the otherwise both beautiful and terrifying dream. I looked around, wondering if it had been the door, but from what I could see from the kitchen window there wasn't anyone there. I felt around and got a hold of my phone. The screen was on and told me that I'd received a message from Kurt. I groaned and opened it.

How's the magical girl of yours? You never told me how things went. Did you swoon her? – Kurt

"Ugh, great timing Hummel" I said and didn't answer. He could wait. I guess if Brittany wanted me to get over her, then I'd better find that half heartedly written five-step program of mine. Lifting myself from the couch I dragged my feet into the bedroom, flopping down on the bed unenthusiastically. I could barely remember what the page said. With my body sprawled across the bed I stretched towards the nightstand and opened the top drawer. It was empty with the exception of a pack of gums. I frowned but then opened the bottom drawer. That was completely empty. The other dresser then. With some difficulty I managed to turn around and dig into the other nightstand. Both drawers were empty. I was sure that I had laid it in here. I let my head dangle close to the ground and lifted the sheets to look under the bed. It was empty, except for a single spider. Ew. Groaning, I got into a sitting position, driving my hand through my hair. Where did I put that thing? I remember sitting in bed and writing it and I was sure that I had put it in one of the drawers. I couldn't have had it any other place. Whatever, it was useless anyway. But I had to get over her though, I had to. Hadn't I? God, it was so frustrating. Okay, time to confront I thought decisively. All or nothing. Water or desert. "I just wanted you"… Ugh, she was so confusing. She had said it though. She had! We were sitting right here in this bed when she'd said it. Right here. Why hadn't I noticed it until now? All or nothing.

With firm steps I walked into the living room and grabbed my phone, finding Britt's number and texting her.

Can we meet tonight? I need to talk to you – S

I sighed and flopped onto the couch, reaching to take the book I'd been reading. I tried to focus on the story, but my head was clouded. My phone buzzed and I grabbed it as if my life depended on it

Sure, I have something I want to show you actually, come over at nine? – Britt-Britt

I smiled slightly – I just couldn't help it – and answered.

Will do, have fun at dinner – S

I'd better get some food then, it was already 7 p.m. I figured that I might as well just take some fruit and a bit of yogurt, it being the only thing I could make that didn't involve knives. I avoided that particular instrument feeling my nerves surface suddenly. This was it.

It's really boring actually, I miss you – Britt-Britt

I felt my heart swell at that. Wait… Why did she miss me? She hadn't even bothered to say goodbye to me. This was getting so difficult to figure out.

2 more hours, then you'll see me ;) – S

I knew the text was kind of daring on a non-wanky basis but I had to figure her out somewhere.

Sorry I didn't say goodbye, can I have cuddles tonight? I miss my bunk buddy – Britt-Britt

I grinned, couldn't help it. Not totally shutting me out it seemed. I should be so mad at her for sending me so many mixed signals, but I just couldn't. I couldn't help the flutter in my heart at her asking me to sleep over tonight.

Sure, I need someone to keep away my nightmares – S

That was something I'd noticed recently. The only days down-here where I hadn't had nightmares were when I was with Britt. I slept without nightmares and she was the reason, I was sure of it.

Aw, you're cute. I'll ditch them early; meet me at half past eight instead! – Britt-Britt

What was I supposed to gather from that? Cute? Okay, once and for all I need to freaking know.

Do you wanna go out sometime?

I deleted it before I got a chance to send it and wrote something else instead. I wanted to look her in the eye when I asked her.

Can't wait – S

"Britt" I said breathlessly and smiled at her. She was smiling timidly at me but made no move to hug me. Daringly I stepped forwards and let my arms curl around her. I heard her let out a sigh of relief and she fell into me. I giggled slightly.

"Why are you being so odd, Britt?" I asked with a chuckle, patting her back smilingly.

"I'm not being odd" she said pouting. I released her and gave her a reassuring look. She looked slightly befuddled and out of place, but also happy.

"So, what was it you wanted to show me?" I asked, feeling slightly awkward, just standing in the door like I was.

"This way" she said and dragged me to her bedroom. I watched as she dug into her nightstand and retrieved an A4 size black notebook.

"So you can't read the contents, but I will kind of show you how much I've written" she said and looked at me. I nodded and looked as she opened the first page. It said "Book of Love"

"My mother is a big Peter Gabriel fan…" Britt said to explain the name. I smiled at her. She then grabbed the pages at once and started flipping them so fast that all I noticed was that every page was overwritten and filled with colors, and it seemed like she had used her glitter pens. She hadn't written the entire book, only about half of it, but it was still so much progress

"What do you think?" she asked when she closed it.

"That it's amazing, that you're amazing" I said without thinking. She lit up and smiled, her cheeks tinting red. Why was she doing this to me, I was supposed to be mad at her. Wasn't I?

"Look" she said and spun me around and locked her arms around my waist. I noticed three major changes on the board. The first was a great big heart drawn with red magic marker instead of a checkmark in the box for "No flirting" the second the fourth corner which had been decorated with a dolphin and the third was a green checkmark in the box for "No dating guys for a while"

"Britt, you can't check that box, it's not been a while" I protested but she merely giggled.

"Did you forget what I said in the bar? I don't want to date guys right now." She said and smiled.

"Oh really?" I asked. "What happens when you do fall for one?" I dared, forgetting my purpose of meeting up with her. That frequently happened whenever she hugged me. I felt myself lean into her touch.

"I won't fall for a guy" she said but the way she said it made me think that she was about to add something.

"Britt, I need to talk to you about something" I said, prying her arms off me, turning to look her in the eyes.

"Just wait a second" she said and walked to her closet. She opened it and drew out her computer. As she dragged out the black Acer a piece of paper floated out and skidded across the floor, landing front side up halfway under the bed. My heart skipped from my ribcage to my throat. I recognized the page. With almost dreamlike steps and a focused gaze on the page I walked towards it and picked it up.

Five steps to getting over Brittany Susan Pierce

1. Distance (It's her holiday with her friends, not your romantic get-away)

2. Emotional distance (So this is where I'll miserably fail)

3. No cuddles/handholding at all (No can do. Pinky-link is okay, I guess)

4. No nicknames (Britt-Britt and Britt are the only ones allowed!)

5. Love her without falling for her (GIVING UP HERE!)

Five steps to getting Brittany Susan Pierce to fall for you

1. Closeness

2. Open up to her – tell her secrets (not embarrassing ones like the summer surgery and stuff)

3. Get nicknames like 'sweetie' and 'honey' woven into daily conversations

4. Discreet flirting – compliments and jokes and stuff

5. Fall in love with her and confess

I looked at it, my face turning bright red as I bit down on my lips hard. Why did she have it? I felt how my lips trembled in the vice grip my teeth had on it. I didn't dare look her in the eyes. I felt like running. But I didn't know where to run. I had run here to run away and now I was trapped again. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to run; but where? I suppose I could just always move to Tribeca and just live there with 40 cats and a male stripper for a roomie. I looked over at her feet, still planted where I last saw her standing. Careful not to do any motions towards her, I followed the direction of the wall towards the door, feeling tears sting in my eyes as they misted over. Say goodbye to that chance. She knew now. It wasn't like when she knew that I had fallen for her or that I was a lesbian. It was her knowing that I wasn't even wholeheartedly trying to get over her. I had tried to lure her in a trap, get her to fall for me when I had no right. I had no right what so ever to try and win her over. She was still mending, still hurting. I reached the door that led to the living room when her fingers closed around my wrist. It burned. I shook my head, not wanting her to see my embarrassment.

"I liked the 2nd list the best" she said, and the words were the most gentle ones I'd ever heard her utter, and it was as if it was another person talking, another Brittany.

A/N - Sorry for the long wait! I still want a few chapters for ya while I'm in USA, and so I couldn't give you this before I finished chapter 14...! And I had a minor setback called writer's block! Also, I'm back at school which means that I can't really write there and I have a lot of homework. So expect it to take longer between updates!

Songs used in this chapter

Backwards - Rascal Flatts /watch?v=XDyqN16x30A

You and me - Lifehouse /watch?v=rzJikUFVxes

The song for this chapter is also You and Me by Lifehouse.

Also - my first cliffhanger 8D! I promise, I'll update as soon as I can! Love y'all please review :)!