A/N: happy March, everyone! I'm taking this opportunity to thank you again, readers, reviewers, lurkers. I'm really glad you keep checking back, and I hope you will continue to do so, because it's just getting good – or at least I hope so! Comments are still lovely =)
Chapter Eleven – Bella
There was certain relief in realizing that my life had slipped into a familiar routine without me noticing. The opening night of Giselle was a little over a week away. There was something frustrating about knowing we'd been working for so long on such a short production. Most of the company's productions were less than a week long. This one was relatively long, about two weeks. Some people started running bets about our next production, which was due at the end of October. That alone was a serious letdown for me, because it suddenly dawned on me I wouldn't be able to be there when Rosalie gave birth. When I told Emmett that in one of our few conversations, he dismissed my concern and told me I was being silly. He'd send me pictures of the baby, and all I had to do was to make sure I'd kick some butt in the production, and find his baby girl (and her daddy) a Chelsea hoodie.
In the end of July I got my picture taken for the company's website and for the programs that were about to be printed. It made everything much more real, much scarier. I was an actual part of this company, the English National Ballet, no less. And I was on the verge of my first real performance ever. I tried not to think about it too much. We had just moved into the theatre until opening night. One dress rehearsal followed another, and days were incredibly busy. With Alice's visit in a few days, there was a lot to look forward to. I hoped I wouldn't be dead on my feet by the time she got here.
I hurried down the busy street on my way to meet Nathan and Emily. Like I thought, I'd seen them a lot after that first time at the House. Since our schedules were so perfectly coordinated, I went out for tea with them for a few Fridays in a row, and a few times on Sunday too. I even worked privately with Emily when Alexandra, her usual instructor at the House, had to cancel a few of their sessions. She was first soloist and had to take part in extra rehearsals before opening night, so I happily stepped in. Our manager seemed pleased. It would be a good practice for me, he'd said. He required each of the company members to have some sort of experience with teaching, no matter how small. We never knew when we were going to need it.
The place they chose was as packed as the rest of the street, mostly with tourists, but also with parents such as Nathan, desperate to entertain their kids in those last days of the summer break. It was difficult to spot them, but eventually I did, in one corner of the restaurant. Nathan, who had just looked up, caught my eye and waved. He said something to Emily, whose eyes followed his. Her face lit up. My heart melted.
"I'm sorry I'm late," I breathed, and dropped my bag on a vacant chair between Nathan and me.
"As long as there is no grand crisis at the English National Ballet," he teased me, and handed me a menu.
I snorted. "Some crisis. The costumes came back pink from the laundry. Don't ask."
He laughed. "Pink. Lovely."
"I heard it happened before. I don't know how they're going to fix it before we open," I said, and reached over to ruffle Emily's hair. She squirmed, giggling. "What have you guys been up to today?"
"Back to school shopping, mostly," Nathan replied. From his expression I gathered it wasn't a pleasant task.
"Are you excited about going back to school, Emily?"
"Not really. Although I did miss my ballet classes," she said thoughtfully.
"Right. I'll go and order if you two are ready," Nathan got up.
"It's my turn to pay," I reminded him as I reached for my purse. He made a face but took the money anyway. We watched him go. Then I looked away and found Emily staring at me inquisitively. I smiled at her. "What?"
"I'll be sad when you'll have to leave," she said. Her normally blissful expression clouded. Her statement caught me off-guard, and I suddenly realized the mistake I'd made. It was wrong to get attached to her so fast, to let her get attached. I didn't think I'd have to handle that kind of conversation so fast.
"You don't have to worry about that for a while, sweetie. I'm still here until next summer. Who knows, you might get tired of me long before that."
"Why can't you stay for longer?"
"Because the company might not want me for longer." It seemed like the simplest explanation.
"What if they do?"
"I don't know… if I want to stay after that," I said slowly, and immediately regretted it. It seemed to hurt her.
"Don't you like us?" she asked in a thin, heartbreaking voice, finally looking like the little girl that she was.
"Of course I do. You know I do."
"Then you could stay with us," she reasoned.
I felt like laughing, but I suspected it would hurt her even further. She was a smart kid. I could be open with her, I thought. "I don't think my boyfriend will like the fact I'm staying here longer than I should," I told her. It felt weird to explain this to a child.
She stared at me wide-eyed. "You never said you had a boyfriend."
"You never asked," I shrugged with feign indifference. The childish astonishment in her expression amused me.
"My friend Tilly had a boyfriend once, at the end of last year. I didn't like him. He always smelt like pickles," she said, wrinkling her nose. Then she tilted her head and gave me this inquiring look. "Does your boyfriend smell like pickles?"
"No," I giggled.
"Is he handsome?"
"I think he is."
"Can I see a picture?"
"I don't have one on me. If you ever come to my place, I'll show you," I promised her.
"What's his name?"
"Edward." I couldn't help the smile that sneaked into my voice as I said his name. I hoped I wasn't blushing. I was sort of relieved Nathan wasn't there to witness my shame.
"My history teacher's name is Edward," she said, and I wasn't sure if that meant it was a good thing or not. "Did he give you this necklace?" Her eyes lingered on my heart-shaped locket.
"Yes, he did." I wrapped my fingers around it. The motion had become instinctive.
"Alright, all set," Nathan reclaimed his seat across from me and handed me the change.
"Daddy, Bella has a boyfriend," Emily informed him, her expression half disgusted, half awed.
His eyes widened for a split second, with clear horror. Pretty soon he composed himself and scowled at her. "Emily, what did we say about respecting people's privacy?"
"She brought it up," she argued. He looked up at me suspiciously, as if he didn't believe her.
"Guilty as charged," I laughed. "She wanted to know why I can't stay."
He shook his head, displeased. "Well, little one, if you keep pestering Bella with questions, she won't even keep up with us until Christmas," he mock-warned her, poking her side. She yelped and squirmed away from his grip. He mouthed an apology over her head. I dismissed it with a shake of my head. I was used to it by now.
Emily clearly wanted to know more, but Nathan was intent on not letting her have her way. I decided to go along with his scheme. I didn't mind answering her questions about Edward, as random as they were, but talking about him made his absence more real, and I didn't want to bear the consequences of it later in the privacy of my apartment.
When our drinks arrived, I sipped my coke and asked, "What are you guys up to this weekend?"
"We're going to spend a few days with my parents," Nathan replied. "We won't be back until next Wednesday," he added, shaking his head. "Unfortunately, it means we'll miss your opening night."
"That's okay. There'll be others."
"Do you have any plans for the weekend?"
"If I could, I'd sleep from Friday to opening night," I joked. "My friend Alice is coming over and she's… exuberant."
"What's exuberant?" asked Emily. Ever the teacher, Nathan plunged into a long explanation until our pizza arrived.
Since I had to go back into another short rehearsal later that afternoon, we wandered around Leicester Square together to kill the time. Emily didn't let go of my hand as she led the way. Nathan kept close by, ready to pounce on her if she brought up the boyfriend issue again. It was rather amusing to watch.
We passed by one of those tourists shops full of London memorabilia. It was no different than any other shop I'd seen for the passed month, but now my eyes settled on something that made me halt. There was a postcard stand by the entrance. I remembered Alice's promise before our final recital. It was true she'd be here soon, but it didn't mean I couldn't send her one to New York.
"Hang on a second, guys, I need to – "
Emily's eyes followed mine. "Are you going to send one to your boyfriend?"
Nathan's brows furrowed in disapproval. "Emily – "
She ignored him. "Can I choose one? Please?"
"I need three, actually, and yes, you can choose them," I smiled at her, and gave her a gentle push forward.
"I'm so sorry about all this," Nathan told me when she was a safe distant away, checking each postcard carefully.
"Really, don't worry about it."
"My mother always said she'd be impossible to restrain without a mother. I'm beginning to see her point now. Sometimes it feels as if I'll never succeed to make a lady out of her," he half-joked. The frustration in his eyes was clear, as well as that profound, unexplained pain.
In those weeks I'd known them, I'd never brewed enough courage to ask what happened to Emily's mother. I could tell quite clearly it was a painful subject, for Nathan at least, and figured that if he wanted to tell me about it, he would have. Emily had hardly mentioned her mom when it was just the two of us, which was also strange. At some point I began to wonder if I even wanted to know what happened to her. From the way they were behaving – as if they had no one in the universe but one another – I sensed it wasn't going to be a pleasant story.
"Well, if you care to hear a stranger's opinion, I think you're doing a great job so far," I assured him, and took his hand without thinking. He gasped at the contact, and his eyes flew to meet mine. The shock I found there made me pull my hand back. "Sorry," I mumbled, my cheeks flaring.
He murmured an apology of his own and looked away. I half waited for him to turn and face me, and utter another apology, like he'd always done. I'd always teased him he was apologizing too much, even when it was unnecessary. Only this time, he said nothing. I kept walking, my thoughts a blur. I couldn't figure out what I'd done wrong. All I wanted was to comfort him, but by what I'd found in his eyes, by that unusual silence that followed, I felt as if I'd just crossed a forbidden line.
But before I got a chance to question it, I heard my name being called. "Bella!"
I looked up. Emily had three postcards in her hands, and she waved them above her head as if to catch my attention. I threw Nathan a look. He still looked somewhat stricken, but he nodded me on wordlessly. I walked over to her. "Thanks, sweetie. Here, you can pay for them," I said, handing her the change from our lunch. I watched her as she headed into the small shop, and as she handed the money to a smiling woman behind the counter. I didn't look at Nathan until Emily was safely back, happily skipping between us. I stole a glance at him while she was chattering. His expression was more reserved now, and I found myself wondering for the meaning of it. I tried not to think about it as they walked me back to the theatre.
I still had about half an hour before the rehearsal, so I took out the postcards Emily bought for me. She chose three different angles of London at dusk. One had the Big Ben and Parliament buildings. Another had a view to the London Bridge. The third one, the prettiest, was a gorgeous cap of the London Eye and a glimpse of the Big Ben and the Parliament buildings at sundown. This one was for Edward, I decided, and put it aside. I found a purple pen in my bag and wrote Anya and Alice's addresses on the first two postcards.
Giselle opens next week, I wrote. TERRIFIED! Hope you're well. Hugs, Bella x
I wrote the same on both postcards before I brought my attention to the last one. Carefully, I wrote down the address of our place in New York. I stared at the blank space thoughtfully for a moment before I even knew how to say everything I needed to tell him in the shortest way I could.
"What are you doing, hon?" Ivan showed up out of nowhere as soon as I signed my name at the bottom of the postcard.
"Just writing home."
"Don't forget to send my love for Prince Charming," he said, batting his lashes.
"Sure, sure," I rolled my eyes. I picked the three postcards and stuck them in a book I had in my bag. Now I just needed to remember to get them sent.
xoxox
The day I met Alice was a proper summer day. I met her in a small café just off Oxford Circus, away from the bustling crowds and a short distance away from their hotel. She looked tanner than I'd ever seen her before, and it stood out even more with the gorgeous white sundress she had on. Her skin had this exotic olive shade now from the time she'd spent in the sun, probably in Greece. I felt paler than normally in comparison. Despite my fears, summertime in London was almost the real thing, unlike Forks. And yet, I spent nearly all day indoors in rehearsals, so I'd hardly seen any sunshine at all.
It was as if we'd never separated at all. After gushing about how properly English I looked, she plunged into an elaborate tale about how their trip had been so far, places she loved, places she'd never go back to, and of course, the time she spent with Jasper in Greece.
"This has been the most amazing summer, but I must admit I can't wait to be home. I miss everyone so much, and aww, Rose must be huge now! She's got, what, about two months left? I got her so many baby things that I'm not sure how it's all going to fit! I'll have to get another suitcase, probably more. Oh my God, I still can't believe they're going to have a baby!" She stopped to squeal. "Will you be able to come and see it?"
"Probably not," I replied, my sadness resurfacing. "I already told Emmett."
"Aww, but that's fine, silly. We'll send you tons of pictures. And you could see her as soon as you're back! I bet she won't be much to look at at first anyway; they're always pink and wrinkled when they're born even though people think they're precious." She made a face and continued. "I bet Esme is ecstatic though. She's going to set a camp in New York until the baby is at least three months old! God, it feels like I haven't spoken to Aunt Esme in ages! And Edward – I think I haven't spoken to him in nearly two weeks. I'm such a bad cousin."
"I just talked to him a few days ago," I said. We spoke less frequently now, because I spent most days rehearsing and he had two jobs to keep. It was tough. I wondered if I could ever get over this devastating need for him. Then again I didn't want to get over it. It was the only reminder that he was still mine, waiting for me at home.
"How is he?"
"Anya got him another job, so it keeps him busy. But other than that… he's not doing so well, I think," I confessed. I'd suspected as much for a while, now more than before in our recent conversations. He was pulling off a good act, but I heard beyond his supposedly cheerful tone. I hadn't shared my suspicions with anyone yet, so it was strange to express my thoughts aloud. "I don't think he's handling it very well."
Alice shook her head. "He misses you. It's understandable."
"It's more than that. He tries to hide it, but he sounds really depressed. He doesn't admit it, of course, but something in his voice is just… off. I'm pretty sure something is wrong because Emmett apparently had to interfere. He told Edward he needed to go out more."
"Which is true. I would have done the same if I were there."
"I just…" I sighed. "I feel so guilty. I'm having a great time here. I met some amazing friends. And then I talk to him and I know how unhappy he is – "
"Don't be silly," she cut me off. "He's probably just bored. He'll get over it as soon as school starts. I'll have a talk with him when I'm back, okay? Now stop frowning. You'll get wrinkles ahead of your time," she reproached me. I chuckled without humor. "Seriously, honey, don't worry about it. Now," she said, reaching out for a piece of toast from the basket between us. She put some butter and strawberry marmalade on it, and handed it to me. I frowned but took it anyway. She didn't speak until I bit into it. "Tell me more about where those friends of yours took you to make you look so enviously gorgeous."
I laughed and gave in, and told her about Ivan and Jenna and the places they'd taken me so far. Alice decided she wanted to meet them, and she made me text Jenna and set some plans for tonight. But even Alice's diversions weren't enough to wipe away that concern that suddenly shadowed on my bliss.
xoxox
On the day Giselle opened, I was calmer than I expected. I actually slept the entire night before, which was kind of shocking to me to find out, but I guess that between panic and exhaustion, exhaustion ruled. Alice and her parents left two days before we opened. She was upset she couldn't stay for opening night, but her dad had to be back at work in a few days, and he couldn't afford the delay. She made sure to take a bunch of programs with her. I gave them to her with a frown. I didn't want to think whom she was going to distribute them to. I guessed I should be grateful she didn't ask me to personalize them.
It seemed as if the phone hadn't stopped ringing since last night. My parents called the night before to wish me luck – both afraid to miss me in the morning because of the time difference. Nathan and Emily called from his mother's house in Sussex to tell me how sorry they were they wouldn't be able to be there tonight, and that they'd come to one of the matinees the following week. Nathan was back to his normal self now, and I could hear that the few days away from the city had done him good. Carlisle, who was on his way home from a night shift, sent Esme and Sophie's regards as well. Edward set his alarm to four A.M so he could speak to me directly instead of leaving me a message.
And so, as my ego got quite a boost from all my loved ones, my distress sort of dissipated, only to resurface in double force as soon as I went through the stage door a few hours later. My hands were actually shaking when I signed my name on the attendance sheet by the door. I made it to the dressing room in one piece, and everyone there was in such high spirits that I didn't have a choice but take part in the lively conversation as we all got dressed and put our makeup on and fixed each other's hair.
But when Jenna – with Ivan on her heel – came to check on me twenty minutes or so before curtain, my panic was rising again. She rushed forward, knelt by my chair, and gave me a hug. "Don't worry, mate, it's going to be grand!"
"Easy for you to say, two years later," I grumbled.
"I must say, Bella accepts it much more coolly than you did that first time around, love," Ivan told Jenna. He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms across his chest. "She threw up all night before her first opening," he told me, and I felt my stomach lurch.
"Maybe you shouldn't have said it. She looks kind of green," said Jenna, and her eyes darkened with concern as she scrutinized my face.
"I'm fine," I assured her, and tried to focus on breathing through my nose.
Ivan walked into the room and stopped behind my chair. He began to massage my shoulders. "Long, even breaths," he reminded me, his voice soothing. "It's going to be loads of fun. We'll go up there, we'll do our thing, and later when you survive it, we'll take you out for a drink."
"I don't do alcohol very well," I rasped.
"By the time he finishes with you, you will," Jenna laughed. I was too distracted to stop and question if she meant it seriously or not.
Slowly, gradually, Ivan's hands stopped moving on my shoulders. I looked up at him and flashed him a tiny grateful smile. "Okay?" he asked, and I saw the worry beyond his supposedly calm stare.
"Yes. Thank you."
"It's going to be fine, love," he assured me, and leaned over to drop a kiss on the top of my head.
I closed my eyes, then slowly opened them, forcing the nausea away. It would be fine, I told myself fiercely. This was what I'd been working for for nearly sixteen years, literally two thirds of my life. This was why I'd come here and left everything behind – my family, my friends, Edward – this was my dream. It had to be fine.
And fortunately, it was. It ended as soon as it had begun, or so it felt. When we finally had to take our places backstage, I suddenly blacked out. I forgot every entrance and exit, and for one dreadful moment I feared I'd lose my way backstage altogether. It wasn't until the second act I felt myself loosening, and by the time I really began to enjoy myself, it was over. When I held hands with fellow members of the company as we all took our final bow, an enormous sense of relief washed over me. I did it. From there on, it could only get better.
"Come on, come on, let's go," Ivan was fidgeting at the doorway of the dressing room. Three of the dancers in various stages of undress with whom I shared the room shrieked when he bellowed from the outside, but he seemed used to it, because when poked his head in, he very dramatically put his hand on his eyes. "I only need Bella!" he clarified, and kept one hand over his eyes as he ordered me out with his other hand. "Your first stage door experience, you wouldn't want to miss it!"
"No one will recognize me," I protested, but followed him out of the room anyway. I said a hasty goodnight to the others from over my shoulder, and let him tow me down the hall.
"They only recognize the principals, silly. They'll know you from your portrait."
The hallways were in their usual post-show chaos, one I'd been used to from our performances in Juilliard. Ivan knew his way well, better than I did, and we were by the door in no time. We said goodnight to Leroy, the doorman, and Ivan held the door open for me.
The crowd at the stage door after my final recital in Juilliard was twice as big and twice as loud, but not as intimidating. When I stepped out into the chilly night, I froze. Most of them were people my parents' age, some older, holding the hands of younger kids, probably their grandchildren. They formed their own queue as if there was a fence separating them from the members of the company. It wasn't the usual mayhem one would find in any West End production around, and I was grateful for that, at least. I didn't think I could handle anything grander than that.
"Come on, Bella, they won't bite! Well, some might, if you ask nicely…"
Like Ivan had said, most people stuck with the principals. Some minor members of the company managed to slip away unnoticed since no one minded them. I wished I could do the same, but Ivan had his arm wrapped tightly around mine. He insisted I'd stay, just to get the flavor of it.
A loud clamor rose when Francois, one of the principal dancers, stepped out. I wondered how long it would take me to act as coolly as he did. He accepted a huge bouquet of roses with a gracious smile, and even posed for pictures. I shook my head. He looked so professional, so into it. I still had so much to learn.
"Excuse me, Miss Swan?"
I looked up, a little startled, at the sound of my name. A dark woman in a gorgeous cream-colored coat was smiling at me. I actually had to do a double take to assure myself her smile was even meant for me.
"Would you mind signing my program?"
I was still too speechless to respond. "She'd love to!" Ivan declared, and shoved a silver sharpie into my hand.
The motion shook me to life. "Of course," I mumbled. The woman held up her program to me.
Ivan squealed. "Eeeeep! Your first autograph! This is so exciting! I have to take a picture," he asserted, and pulled out his cell phone. Luckily, the woman didn't seem to mind him as he fussed around us, snapping more pictures on his phone.
"You're new with the company, aren't you?" she asked me.
"Yes, I am," I replied, replacing the cap on the pen.
"Best of luck." And with a flash of another smile, she was gone. I stared at her for good five minutes before I even realized what had just happened.
When we finally caught up with Jenna, Ivan refused to move anywhere until he told her everything about my first autograph. He even insisted on showing her the pictures he took. She shook her head, laughing. "He did the same thing to me, too, so don't feel bad about it. Be lucky he didn't send it to your parents or something right away."
"I would have sent them to her boyfriend, if she'd so kindly given me his email," said Ivan, pinning me with a significant look.
"Dream on," I giggled. I wouldn't submit Edward to Ivan's lustful fantasies.
Some of our colleagues were still around, so we said goodnight to everyone who was still there. One of the principals was having a small get together at his loft, and we said we might pop in later. I was so tired I was ready to collapse right there and then on the sidewalk, but adrenaline was still buzzing in my veins and I knew I wouldn't be able to close my eyes now even if I tried. I doubted I'd be able to last long enough to attend that party, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to give Ivan a chance to come up with a strategy to get me there.
"So are we going drinking?" Jenna asked as we crossed the street.
"No," I said. "We're going to dinner. I'm starving."
With our arms wrapped around one another's, we headed to Leicester Square to join the bustling crowd. Despite the crisp night air, I felt warm. And with adrenaline still buzzing in my head, I smiled to myself in a rare moment of confidence. Everything would be fine. I could definitely do this.