A/N: Mature rating for this chapter. =)

ONE WEEK LATER

Journal Entry # 8:

17 days. This is the longest dry spell we have ever had. And this time, it's because of me. It's not that I don't want it, because I do…so much. But I haven't been able to find my closure as easily as Mulder has. Every time Mulder touches me, I see Rex staring at us through the other side of that mirrored room. I never expected it to affect me so profoundly, physically. Emotionally, we have both been able to open up to each other more this past week. Ever since Mulder went to see Rex, he's been a lot better. But that's just not how my mind works. I can't directly sit across from that sonofabitch and speak to him, knowing he almost succeeded. I can't do it. I won't.

Mulder told me that I would find my own closure eventually. But I can't seem to touch Mulder, without thinking about that special private moment being put on display and twisted into an act of perversion. I can tell it hurts him when I flinch at his touch. It's happened twice already. We'd get really close to intimacy, and then my brain wouldn't shut off, and I instantly felt dirty. And I wish I could just move past this now. We're alive…we're okay. So why can't I do it? Why can't I let Mulder love me?

D.K.S.

XxXxX

Panic. That's what Mulder had been feeling the past few days…pure panic. Scully was pushing him away, while he was trying to pull her closer. And Mulder hated the fact that Rex was at least right about one thing. Scully was going to leave him. That's all there was to it. She wasn't in love with him anymore. That's all Mulder could conclude from her behavior the past few days. They had gone from Scully wanting Mulder by her side 24/7, to Scully not even wanting to share a bed with him. In fact, she had slept on the couch the past three nights. And when Mulder tried to camp out in the living room with her that night, she had locked herself up in the bedroom, stating that "at least someone should use the bed" when he found her in there a few hours later.

And Mulder didn't think he could bare it. What went wrong in the past two weeks? They had been able to talk about everything the past week, but every time Mulder tried to kiss Scully or even cuddle her, she would make an excuse.

"If you want to be alone, just say so Scully. I don't mind, and I understand that I don't need to be with you all the time." Mulder softly explained, as he cuddled up next to Scully on the bed.

"That's not it, Mulder." Scully turned to face Mulder.

Mulder tucked a loose strand of hair behind Scully's ear and leaned in for a kiss, cringing when she dodged his lips and he got her cheek instead.

Mulder sighed, visibly hurt. "Scully?" He whispered.

"I feel like I'm coming down with a cold, Mulder. I just don't want you to catch it. I should be feeling better in a few days." Scully mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Bullshit." Mulder huffed.

"Excuse me?" Scully eyed Mulder in shock.

"Scully, since when has a little cold ever stopped you before this? And since when has it ever stopped me?" Mulder spat.

"Mulder, not now." Scully whined, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

"You've been avoiding any type of physical interaction with me all week, Scully. Something's wrong, and I can tell. Just talk to me about it. You know I'd understand…if you would just tell me why you're pushing me away all of a sudden. We can work through this."

"I'm not pushing you away." Scully sighed, turning her back on Mulder.

"Oh?" Mulder sat up in the bed, his patience suddenly dissipating. "17 days, Scully. SE-VEN-TEEN."

"You're a guy, Mulder…I don't expect you to understand." Scully crossed her arms and shook her head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mulder shot up off the bed and hovered over Scully.

"I don't want to fight. That came out wrong. I'm sorry." Scully mumbled, and began to walk out of the room.

Mulder firmly grabbed Scully's arm and whirled her around. "Don't. Don't do this. 'I' was the one that withheld intimacy from 'you' after your rape, if you can remember. I wanted to give you your space, and I very clearly explained that to you. But this-this is different. You are pushing me away, and you won't even explain why. So don't tell me I'm 'just a guy', Scully. I just want to know what's causing you to feel whatever you're feeling."

"Mulder…please let go of me." Scully whispered.

Mulder eyed Scully intensely for a long moment, and then released his grip on her arm.

Scully sighed and hung her head, as a long moment of tense silence passed.

"Are you going to leave me?" Mulder's voice was soft and childlike.

Scully looked up at Mulder, surprised. "No." She shook her head. "We're okay…I promise. I—I just need some space. Just for a little while." Scully softly explained, as Mulder sat back down on the edge of the bed.

Scully eyed Mulder and then turned to leave, but paused for a second. "We're okay." She said over her shoulder, and left the room.

Mulder bent over and placed his face in his hands. They were far from okay. And he knew she knew that.

XxXxX

LATER THAT NIGHT

Scully had tossed and turned that whole night. Mulder had insisted she take the bed and that he would sleep on the couch, but she had insisted that she would be okay with sharing the bed tonight. And as Mulder softly snored next to her, she was struggling to keep her mind from overthinking their conversation earlier that day.

"Are you going to leave me?"

Was she really giving off that impression? Was the situation really that bad? Was she pushing him away for other reasons also?

Scully laid there in the dark for several minutes, desperately trying to shut her overactive brain down.

Do I love Mulder?

Of course.

Do I want to leave him?

Of course NOT.

Scully kept thinking about that tape. Knowing that everything that caused her to feel like this was on that tape. All the proof, all the memories, locked up in a piece of plastic. And for some reason, she was having a hard time remembering how she felt in that moment. She had blocked it all out. And a part of her wondered if she really had lost her sanity for a moment. So, why was she still feeling so bad about everything, when she honestly couldn't even remember it all?

She remembered telling Skinner to burn the tape. But there was also still a copy on file…and that really ate away at her. She hadn't even realized at the time that Skinner had seen everything on that tape. That other people had seen her suffer…seen Mulder suffer. But her most profound memories were of Mulder's suffering, and not her own.

Another thing that bothered Scully was the fact that Mulder had looked so relieved to have had the chance to face Rex one last time. And suddenly…that tape was all she could think about.

And all of a sudden, she needed to see that tape. It would never end if she couldn't even remember her own suffering.

Maybe that was the closure she needed. And maybe she needed to just go with this gut instinct, and do what her heart and mind were telling her to do.

XxXxX

Scully tiptoed out of the bedroom without waking up Mulder and dialed Skinner's number on her cellphone. She knew he wouldn't be particularly thrilled with her calling him at 6 am, but she also knew he would understand.

After four rings, Skinner answered groggily. "H-hello?"

"Sir, it's Dana Scully." Scully spoke up anxiously.

"What's the matter, Agent Scully?" He asked nervously.

"Nothing. Well-I'm sorry to be calling you so early in the morning…but I need a favor." Scully heavily sighed and began to pace back and forth.

Skinner knew that Scully was his best agent, and that she had only ever asked a favor from him once before. It must be important, if she was calling and asking for a favor so early in the morning.

"Of course. Just name it."

"Would it be possible for me to get my hands on that-that tape?"

Skinner sighed and sat up in his bed. "Agent Scully-"

"Please, sir." Scully's voice shook.

"Are you sure?" Skinner asked softly.

"Honestly? No. But I think I need to."

"Alright. Meet me in my office in an hour."

"Thank you, sir."

Scully wasn't sure if this was the worst decision she had ever made…but she needed to remember, everything. She needed to see things from a different perspective.

XxXxX

Scully had arrived at Skinner's office 20 minutes earlier than they had planned. And Skinner knew that the moment he walked into the building, and saw her pacing in front of his assistant's empty desk.

"I'm only going to ask you this one more time…Agent Scully, are you sure about this?" Skinner warned, holding up the tape.

Scully swallowed and nodded nervously, reaching out for the tape.

"I thought I'd let you know that this is the original." Skinner added.

Of course. Scully knew better. She nodded and took the tape.

"Can-can I use your office?"

Skinner nodded and unlocked the door. "Take your time. Well-Kimberly will be here at 8…so you have an hour until this place is filled with people."

"Thank you, sir."

Skinner eyed Scully with sympathy, and shut the door behind her.

Scully slowly sat herself down onto the couch and pushed the tape into the VCR.

"What the fuck am I even doing?" She whispered to herself.

The screen turned blue for a moment, as Scully pushed play and released the breath that she hadn't even realized she had been holding.

And there she was on the screen…walking into the grocery store.

Scully nervously watched the TV screen, as it showed her leaving the grocery store. And then she watched as it showed her and Mulder in the kitchen, making dinner.

Scully watched for several minutes, before fast forwarding through the tape, until something caught her eye.

"Oh my god."

It showed them making love, in their home.

Scully swallowed the bile that had crept up her throat, as she watched and listened.

How the hell had Rex even managed to get that close to them, without anyone even noticing? The very thought made her want to vomit all over Skinner's new leather couch.

Scully continued watching, until the screen cut to black for a moment, and then showed her and Mulder in the warehouse. And she could feel her chest tighten, as the tears threatened to escape.

Scully watched everything…up until the mirror room, and then paused the tape to compose herself. Once she was sure she wouldn't break down in tears, she played the tape again, and watched Mulder begging Rex to leave her alone.

*Oh Mulder*

She cringed when she got to the part that she dreaded the most, as Mulder desperately tried to hover over her naked body, as they were forced to make love to each other.

It wasn't how Scully had remembered it being at all. And as she watched Mulder make love to her, she was surprised to see herself get lost in the moment and surrender herself to the man she loved. She was surprised to see that after a moment, it was like no one else was in the room with them. She hadn't even remembered Mulder being able to finish, and when the vents in the ceiling opened, she watched the fear in her face and in Mulder's face, before the screen cut to black again.

She watched curiously as Mulder went through a really bad trip, desperately crying out for the fire to be put out. She knew he was deathly afraid of fire. But what caught her off guard was the fact that Mulder's other greatest fear was losing her, as she watched him cry and beg for her to never leave him.

"Are you going to leave me?"

*Oh Mulder. I could never leave you*

Scully watched in shock, as she went through a bad trip herself, but remained silent for most of the time. That was odd…considering she didn't remember being silent at the time. She remembered crying and passing out. But seeing it from a different perspective, she was eerily quiet.

The tape continued on, showing Mulder and Scully back together in the mirror room. And Scully chewed on her bottom lip, as she watched herself stop breathing. And that's when the tears began to flow, and she couldn't stop them.

What affected Scully the most, was the fact that Mulder more distraught over Scully leaving him, than his own well-being.

And with a heavy heart, Scully watched them being asked questions about each other. Mulder was clearly hurt by the fact that Scully didn't tell him she was unhappy with her job. But he still pushed it aside and forgave her. That was one of the hardest things to watch. Scully hated disappointing Mulder. It bothered her that he was willing to give up his life for her, when she didn't feel like she deserved it. But most of all, she hated that she could now visibly see why people called her the 'ice queen'. Even in that intense moment, she kept most of her emotions hidden. Even when she thought she was going to die, she distanced herself from Mulder.

That was it. That was Scully's greatest fear…giving up and taking the cowards way out. Mulder was afraid of being left…and she was afraid of making the wrong choice.

Scully choked back a sob, as she watched herself losing her sanity. And deep down inside, she knew that the drugs weren't the whole reason she was acting the way she was at the end. For a split second, she had convinced herself that if she gave in, that Mulder would be okay. But now that she was watching her own actions, she knew that she was once again running from the truth.

"What have I done?" Scully whispered to herself, as she wept into her hands.

And as she finished up the tape, and watched the last part of it, she realized that she had remembered everything completely different than how it had happened. She was pushing Mulder away. But the truth of the matter was, they survived. Rex got what he deserved, and Mulder was right there within arm's reach…waiting for her to come back to him.

Scully now knew that deep down she was afraid to be loved by Mulder. She was afraid that he would eventually change his mind, and that he would leave her…that he would resent her. Deep down, she was afraid of being left as well.

"Oh Mulder." Scully whimpered, as the screen turned blue.

All this time she had been looking for closure…when all she really needed was a reality check. All she needed to see was the truth.

Skinner was taken by surprise when Scully bolted out of the office and scurried past him.

"Agent Scully?" Skinner called out.

"Thank you, sir. I've got to get home!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I promise." Scully smiled thinly and waved him off and rushed out of the building, leaving Skinner completely and utterly confused.

XxXxX

Mulder woke that morning to an empty bed next to him. Sighing, he checked his phone for any messages and slowly made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. And as he passed the living room and noticed that Scully was not sleeping on the couch, he felt his stomach sinking even lower. Today was the day that everything was going to change forever. And he wasn't even sure he could bare it.

After he stepped into the shower, he turned the water on as hot as he could stand it, and stood under it for what seemed like hours. If only he could wash away the pain as well.

Scully had managed to get away with driving back home as fast as she could, without getting a ticket. She opened the apartment door and quickly made her way to the bedroom. But when she got there, she noticed Mulder was not in bed.

"Mulder?" Scully called out, with no answer. Her heart was pounding out of her chest.

Scully opened the bathroom door and peeked into the foggy bathroom, instantly relieved to see that Mulder hadn't up and left. "Mul— "No, no words yet. There was something she needed to do first.

Scully silently stripped her clothes and sucked in a sharp breath, pulling back the shower curtain.

Mulder did not notice at first, until he felt the cold air against his back. Turning around, he was caught off guard by the petite and completely nude redhead standing in front of him, breathing heavily.

"Scully-what are you doing?" Mulder's eyes skimmed her from head to toe before resting on her face.

Scully stepped into the shower and vigorously pushed Mulder up against the tiled wall, placing her finger over his lips.

Mulder opened his mouth to speak, but was drawing a blank as Scully rubbed her finger across his bottom lip, while her other hand hooked behind his neck and pulled his face down towards hers.

"No words. Not yet." Scully whispered, as she reached up on her tiptoes and hungrily devoured Mulder's mouth with hers.

Mulder just stood there for a moment, until Scully slipped her tongue inside his mouth. His hands grabbed onto her hips, as she thrust her hips up into his.

"Ahh." Mulder hissed, as Scully sucked on his bottom lip.

"Love me." Scully whimpered into Mulder's mouth. "Just-love me."

Mulder smiled against Scully's mouth. "Always."

Scully gasped as Mulder whirled her around and hooked his hands under her butt, lifting her up and pushing her against the wall. Scully wrapped her legs around his waist and wrapped her arms around his neck, as they deepened the searing hot kiss.

Scully pulled her mouth away just enough to catch her breath. "I love you." She whimpered, as tears filled her eyes.

"No words. Not yet." Mulder smirked, and gnawed on Scully's neck.

Scully moaned, as Mulder cupped a breast with one hand, before quickly tucking it down between them.

"Oh!" Scully cried out as she felt Mulder enter her abruptly without warning.

It hurt so good, and Scully was already almost over the edge, as Mulder thrusted up into her. Her back made loud smacking sounds against the shower wall, as the hot water ran down their faces, blurring their vision.

Scully threw her head back as her face crumpled up, and she began to cry and laugh at the same time, as the orgasm ripped through her with unexpected force and velocity.

Mulder almost stopped for a moment when he heard Scully crying, but then chuckled when he noticed that she was also laughing. Damn. He'd never got that reaction from her before. And next thing he knew, he was spilling over the edge as well, as he cried out into her neck.

But they should have both known that this time it was not over just yet. Unexpectedly, Mulder was already getting hard again before he could even pull out, and Scully was already gasping and clutching at him again, as another orgasm began to build.

*Oh shit*

"Don't stop. Please don't stop. I'm gonna-I'm gonna-"Scully gasped, as her face crumpled up again.

"Again? Jesus, Scully." Mulder groaned in satisfaction, as he kept thrusting into her.

But as amazing as that experience was for Mulder, his legs were quickly giving out. So he reached over and clumsily turned off the water and stepped out of the shower with Scully still impressively wrapped around him.

Before Scully could even complain about the brief pause, Mulder was already hauling her onto the bed and entering her again. And after a few more frantic thrusts, they were both shuddering against each other, as their wet bodies soaked the sheets.

But wait…what is this? Mulder was still hard, as if he had taken a bunch of Viagra, and Scully was still crying and laughing and twitching underneath of him. But Mulder wasn't sure that either of them could take another round without being too sensitive…right?

"Scully…what the hell is happening here?" Mulder squeaked in amazement, as Scully kept thrusting her hips up against him.

"We're not done yet!" Scully barked with arousal, as she impressively flipped Mulder over and caught him off guard.

Mulder groaned and chuckled, as he stared up at the beautifully flustered redhead straddling him.

Scully nibbled on Mulder's neck as she rubbed herself against him.

"Scuuuullllyyyy." Mulder gasped, before mouthing 'oh my god'.

If she wants to play rough, he'd give her just that.

Scully giggled as Mulder flipped her back over and began kissing her fervently before she could protest. His lips trailed down her body, as she sighed in approval. And once his mouth found his target, he buried his face in between her legs and let his tongue do all the work.

A few gasps and moans later, Scully wasn't the only one screaming and trembling. Mulder had had his first orgasm just by the woman he loved screaming his name.

And that was the first time Scully stayed in bed all day and all night, willingly.

XxXxX

THE NEXT DAY

Scully woke to an empty bed next to her and frowned, until Mulder instantly came striding through the room with two cups of coffee and a big grin on his face.

"Hey you."

"Mmmm." Scully smiled. "Hey yourself."

Mulder handed Scully a cup of coffee as she sat up in the bed.

"Thank you."

Mulder nodded and sat down next to her on the bed. "So…can I ask you something?"

Scully shrugged and smirked. "Depends."

"I'm kind of having a hard time comprehending what exactly happened yesterday." Mulder chuckled.

Scully giggled and blushed. "Me too."

"Scully-I've never seen you like that before. My god…it was-it was…incredible." Mulder beamed.

"Yes…yes it was." Scully grinned.

"I love you." Mulder whispered, as he leaned in and placed a kiss on Scully's forehead.

Scully flashed Mulder a genuine smile and then her face grew serious. "I watched the tape."

"I know." Mulder sighed. "Skinner told me. That was very brave, Scully."

Scully nodded. "We ARE going to be okay, Mulder." She said sincerely, grabbing his hand.

Mulder lifted Scully's hand up to his lips and nodded. "I know." He smiled.

After a long moment of comfortable silence, Mulder cocked his head to the side and observed Scully intensely.

"What?" Scully asked bashfully.

"Did you find your closure?" He asked softly.

Scully smiled and nodded. "I found my truth."

And this time, she meant it.

THE END

A/N: JK, it's not really the end, yet! Epilogue chapter is in progress. Should be up sometime in the next 48 hours, with a happy ending and the long awaited proposal. Thanks for reading, and your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. =)

"May I write words more naked than flesh,

stronger than bone, more resilient than

sinew, sensitive than nerve."

- Sappho, If Not, Winter